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How to Deal with a Crush While in a Relationship

I'm in my mid-twenties, have been in a solid relationship for 4 years. I'm very happy with my partner, he's good to me, we laugh a lot together, we bounce off of one another both artistically and intellectually very well.

However, I think I've been developing an unwanted crush on a guy I met in school. He's also been in a committed relationship for around the same amount of time as I have. He's someone I have a lot of respect for and would like to get to know better; I feel like I can learn from him and his creativity and effortless social abilities - These things don't particularly stem beyond wanting friendship with the guy. BUT... on top of that, I find myself fantasizing about him too. I want to spend time with him, I'm awkward around him, sometimes I can't help but think about what it would be like to touch and be touched by him. I've had sex dreams. I feel like he just has this weird intoxicating vibe and there are times I can't stop myself from looking him over. I've actually never had crushes before, so these feelings are really new and strange to me and that's why I'm here.

I always hear people say that crushes mean there's something lacking in the current relationship, but I can't figure out what's lacking in mine. I'm happy with my partner. We're both pretty busy with school-related obligations and sometimes that leaves us both a bit stressed, tired, and mentally preoccupied when together, but we understand that. Like many longer relationships, sometimes I want a little more attention, and perhaps we've been having less sex, but nothing drastic, and even those things are likely the result of school-related stresses.

I feel guilty for feeling how I do and fantasizing about some other guy. At the same time, I don't want to lose this guy from my life - I feel like it's rare for me to make connections with like-minded people, and I want to hang onto the potential friendship. In fact, he's even met my partner and they seem to get along. A part of me even feels like I'm drawn to him BECAUSE we're both in long-term relationships (I find that not many people I meet my age are). There's a safety in the idea that he's not going to mistake our friendship for something more, a problem I've faced in the past.

So I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should continue cultivating our friendship, knowing that I have these feelings (which could perhaps go away as I get to know him - but could perhaps increase), or if I should just avoid him and lose out on a rare connection. There's also always the question: DOES he offer me something my current relationship doesn't? What if we actually are a better match somehow? All signs point to reevaluating my current relationship, but I really can't think of anything horribly lacking.

Reply 1

Cuddlemonster

OP should consider writing porn.

Reply 2

MutantGecko

dont try and ignore the crush, just keep it in your mind and never do anything about it and it will go away on its own :smile:

i speak from experience.

Reply 3

krestaburns

Original post by MutantGecko

dont try and ignore the crush, just keep it in your mind and never do anything about it and it will go away on its own :smile:

i speak from experience.

But what if there's sort of a time-limit for creating a lasting friendship? One that requires action in the form of initiating time spent together?

Reply 4

whitepearlbaby

Just think about it: Is it really him you have a crush on, or is it more likely a hunger for adventure and something "new" and forbidden and he just happens to be someone you spend a lot of time with? It's probably just a phase :h:

Reply 5

DarkSenrine

It's called your right hand?

Reply 6

leahrascal

it seems as though because you're relationship is very settled and comfortable you're missing the excitement from it, and this is exactly what that new guy brings. you're interested by him and you enjoy getting to know him and his attention, try focusing on your relationship instead of your potential feelings for the other guy though, perhaps try to do some irregular things in your relationship that's not part of the routine to keep it fresh and exciting?

Reply 7

jonski

Maybe go for a weekend away with your bf, destress and it might take your mind off him. I would keep him as a friend though and just hope it passes I guess.

Reply 8

..x Orchid x..

Having a crush doesnt mean that something is lacking in your relationship. As long as you live, you will like people. you are human, and you have feelings. It's what you do about those feelings that matter. So dont do anything.

Its called a "crush." Usually they go away. In the meantime, try not to do anything that will ruin your current relationship.

Reply 9

Reflexive

Original post by leahrascal

perhaps try to do some irregular things in your relationship that's not part of the routine to keep it fresh and exciting?

Dry anal?

Reply 10

krestaburns

Original post by Reflexive

Dry anal?

Been there.

Reply 11

Reflexive

Original post by krestaburns

Been there.

To be honest I don't know what to suggest beyond that; I'm completely stumped.

hahaha possibly

i've been having the same problems, and hoping theres nothing wrong with my feelings for my current long term boyfriend, but i've kinda come to the conclusion that its pretty harmless and natural to have crushes on other people to be honest its just the whole exciting start of a relationship thing that you get to miss from being with the same person for so long but i dont think that means there's anything wrong with your relationship. :smile:

as long as you dont cross the line in terms of saying or doing things wrong then theres no problem really.