Competitive/frustrated with female friend

I have a female friend and we were really close while at uni, we had a lot in common and very similar interests, etc. A few months ago I asked her out, but she just wanted to be friends. Since then things are still good between us when we are together, however we don't really see each other that much anymore due to not being at uni now, I want to still be friends with her because things are good when we are together and we are still more or less how we used to be.

The problem is I now seem to be extremely competitive with her, and I always feel like I have to be better than her, or the first to do something. I seem to have a lot of negative feelings aimed at her as welll, but its only when I'm not with her, when we hang out everything is fine.

I don't really know what to do about this or why it's happening. Its starting to really frustrate me, I want to still be friends with her as things are great when we are together, but when she tells me what she's doing I always get really angry/frustrated afterwards. Is there a way to stop this happening, while still being able to stay friends with her?

Reply 1

Motorbiker

21

Original post by Anonymous

I have a female friend and we were really close while at uni, we had a lot in common and very similar interests, etc. A few months ago I asked her out, but she just wanted to be friends. Since then things are still good between us when we are together, however we don't really see each other that much anymore due to not being at uni now, I want to still be friends with her because things are good when we are together and we are still more or less how we used to be.

The problem is I now seem to be extremely competitive with her, and I always feel like I have to be better than her, or the first to do something. I seem to have a lot of negative feelings aimed at her as welll, but its only when I'm not with her, when we hang out everything is fine.

I don't really know what to do about this or why it's happening. Its starting to really frustrate me, I want to still be friends with her as things are great when we are together, but when she tells me what she's doing I always get really angry/frustrated afterwards. Is there a way to stop this happening, while still being able to stay friends with her?

If often gets awkward after one friends says they like another and tries to ask them out.

In future the other friend will constantly be watching everything they say or do to try and not lead them on anymore and it's often just very awkward.

what type of things are you competitive with her about?

Reply 2

Dragonfly07

18

When she tells you how she's doing? You mean in terms of jobs/success? I might be going off assumptions here because you were being vague but do you feel like she's doing better than you in life/career and that that reduces your chances of being with her?

Reply 3

sallyangel

It is likely from what you say that you are not enjoying the relationship that you really want with this female friend and this is where the trouble starts...you actually deep down want something from her. The best relationships..in fact the only really successful ones are based on giving and wanting the best for others....somehow you have made the link between your perceived loss and her success. Know this..her success and happiness doesn't diminish you in any way at all. Look at what is happening in your mind and choose to feel differently. Celebrate the fact that your friend is happy and successful and be a fantastic friend. We cannot control how others feel about us..if you cannot be around her without negative feelings then it is time to move on...but really it is time to control your mind..SA

Reply 4

Zarek

21

I think these negative feeling might be because inside you want to be part of and to share in her success in a way that a relationship would allow - but a friendship doesnt quite get there. I have had 'what might have been' frustrations like this when 'friendzoned'. Although spending time with someone you really like, who has rejected a relationship, can be fun, it also can lead to years of angst.

I honestly think it best to put more energy in to finding a good relationship. This would put things in to perspective and your friendship with her could stabilise in to something consistently good or even become less important to you.

Reply 5

Yawn11

20

You just want to do better than her in every aspect of life, so some part of her could feel like she missed out on something, and didn't see your potential.

Also she rejected you, so part of you takes pleasure in her misfortunes. But when you're together these emotions are forgotten temporarily because you are entranced by her presence.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Dragonfly07

When she tells you how she's doing? You mean in terms of jobs/success? I might be going off assumptions here because you were being vague but do you feel like she's doing better than you in life/career and that that reduces your chances of being with her?

That's part of it. We always had very similar interests, and overall career goals, and were in the same clubs at uni, we also had the same part time job while at uni. she got a full time job before me, with less effort. It just seems like she is effortlessly better at everything.

It's other things as well though, like sports. There are also some sports that I do that I tried to introduce her to a while ago (when we were both still at uni before any of this started), she did it recently with some other people, which really annoyed me, and made me feel like I needed to be even better at it was almost like she was encroaching on my territory, and I felt threatened that she was going to be better than me at my sport, which is completely stupid because she only did it as a one off. It's almost like everything I do has something to do with her, and she doesn't have to work as hard for it.

I think the answer to your last question is probably yes. Also just in terms of being friends, I don't think its going to be possible to maintain it while feeling like shes doing better than me.

Competitive/frustrated with female friend

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