The Student Room Group

On and off crush on friend

I’ve only known this friend for a year, we don’t text much anymore though because I moved. The friend was a flatmate and we became close, anyway before I left where I was living we kept flirting (i didn’t realise until the friend pointed it out) I genuinely just think I’m joking with people and compliment them but don’t think I’m flirting at all, it’s just my way of talking to people I’m friends with…anyway, I get over the crush on this friend then I start thinking about them again it’s really frustrating I want to stop crushing on them. Irl they give me butterflies when I see them sometimes and the last time we got drunk together we joked about having sex but didn’t- I think I missed the friends gesture by saying something flirty back but didn’t act on it then they just went to sleep.

But I don’t think this friend is that bothered about me, they’re a complex person that I find hard to read and understand sometimes so they wouldn’t directly say “I want to sleep with you” they’d tell other friends instead like they told me before we started flirting. I think I realised recently they wanted me to pursue them but I get too anxious. I’m thinking about visiting them and other friends soon but I’m not sure whether I should say I fancy them or not?
Reply 1
You say this person is difficult to read and understand, so when you were close with them, did it have substance? Was it a genuine connection, interesting conversations, shared ambitions, sense of humour? Or was it superficial and flirty back then, in which case there's nothing om which to build a relationship?
Reply 2
Original post by Surnia
You say this person is difficult to read and understand, so when you were close with them, did it have substance? Was it a genuine connection, interesting conversations, shared ambitions, sense of humour? Or was it superficial and flirty back then, in which case there's nothing om which to build a relationship?


We had a shared sense of humour and genuine spark I think but I found their lack of ambition unattractive at times- which led me to hold back I think. I think the friend would damage me emotionally bc they get over people easily and I don’t. Your reply helped me think it through more. It’s just like an urge to be with them? And I worried that they really didn’t feel the same about me? But they asked the last time I saw them why we never dated and I just said bc we lived together it could’ve been awkward if it went wrong…but I moved anyways I thought I would get over thinking them after moving and feel like they don’t really care about me but I’m not sure if it’s because without realising I hurt them by accidentally shooting them down
Reply 3
Try another perspective: are you lonely? Are you only thinking about them because there isn't anyone else in your life and you want to stay with in your comfort zone? Are they really the best you can do or is it worth waiting to see what happens and who you meet in the future?
Reply 4
Original post by Surnia
Try another perspective: are you lonely? Are you only thinking about them because there isn't anyone else in your life and you want to stay with in your comfort zone? Are they really the best you can do or is it worth waiting to see what happens and who you meet in the future?


I think I want to date other people and feel a weird guilt about not trying at dating the friend? That sounds weird ik. But the guilt has to do with their personal issues etc. but yeah I have a habit of shooing off anyone else that shows interest and regretting it later. I know they’re not the best but I guess like you said I know them well and feel some form of comfort. Overall, I know it’s all self inflicted and I hope everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. Thanks again :smile:
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
I think I want to date other people and feel a weird guilt about not trying at dating the friend? That sounds weird ik. But the guilt has to do with their personal issues etc. but yeah I have a habit of shooing off anyone else that shows interest and regretting it later. I know they’re not the best but I guess like you said I know them well and feel some form of comfort. Overall, I know it’s all self inflicted and I hope everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. Thanks again :smile:

Don't date someone because you feel sorry for them, because it will go one of two ways; you'll end up feeling stifled because they become reliant on you, or they'll find their confidence and own voice and move on. I saw the latter happen with a friend; she took on one of the shy nerdy IT crowd from uni, gave him a make-over with clothes and haircut, took him to certain events, restaurants and parties and he dumped her when he started getting more female attention and found he could play the field. Kind of My Fair Lady/Pretty Woman, but with a guy and without the happy ending :frown:

A relationship is a partnership, so if there's not going to be equality, do what's best for you, not them. Take care :console:
Reply 6
Original post by Surnia
Don't date someone because you feel sorry for them, because it will go one of two ways; you'll end up feeling stifled because they become reliant on you, or they'll find their confidence and own voice and move on. I saw the latter happen with a friend; she took on one of the shy nerdy IT crowd from uni, gave him a make-over with clothes and haircut, took him to certain events, restaurants and parties and he dumped her when he started getting more female attention and found he could play the field. Kind of My Fair Lady/Pretty Woman, but with a guy and without the happy ending :frown:

A relationship is a partnership, so if there's not going to be equality, do what's best for you, not them. Take care :console:

Thanks for your advice. I will avoid perusing the friend :smile:

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