Complicated situation with marriage, guy's ex etc. Please help

But like you're so young and have so much time to find the person that's right for you. Why settle for something that has bad foundations? If something has bad foundations it won't work in the long run, relationships are hard enough work as it is without setting out on a wrong foot. To be honest, I don't want to sound harsh but it sounds like you're comparing your life and love stories to theres because you havent been out there and made your own yet.

Don't listen to people who tell you you have to live a certain way. When you say no to them and choose the way you actually want to live, you will feel like you have had a burden lifted off your shoulders. Forget all the cultural stuff and the pressures that are on you, you know deep down this is your life, and you won't be comitting a sin by using all that time still ahead of you to find the right person for you - someone that is in love with you for you, and not pining after somebody else. How can that be a good foundations for anything? Sorry but this really isn't about what your conscience is telling you. Conscience is to do with what you feel is wrong and right, but you only feel that getting into the arranged marriage is right because it's an idea that's been forced onto you and you feel like you will be letting people down if you decline. Guilt will arise when you find the strength to say no but that is only toxic guilt, which means it isn't actually founded guilt, it's guilt that comes because you are not submitting to the way other people want you to live. When a person feels toxic guilt, they haven't actually done anything wrong. If you live your life in accordance with your own truth then you will feel that toxic guilt yes, but you'll also feel an immense liberation and freedom and an intergrity for living in the way that feels right for you, making the decisions for your happiness rather than someone else's. You have to think about your whole life ahead of you, all the things you could do, even you say you are reserved which suggests you haven't seized all the opportunities of meeting people and generally experiencing life... yet. But you still could. Or you could get tied up to someone who's preoccupied with someone he's known for 10 years... I mean really, I feel for you, that's a bad situation to be in, but in all honesty you need to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you, someone where it feels right and not wrng from the outset, and you will find that person. It may take a while, but you will...

Bottom line you are still young and love and life will find you. Hope you do the right thing for you.

Yeah you are right. I think I just need to be selfish in this situation and say no.

Do you think there is any chance he will get over her though? Or are they just meant to be even though they have broken up so many times?

The only shameful people in this story are those imposing their will on others, namely those who arrange marriages, or intimidate to that effect. Inform the police and immigration officers.

But that's the point... you are not being selfish!! I'm so sorry you are thinking like that. But you are bound to feel that way if you have the toxic guilt thing going on. But you know, looking at it from a rational perspective you are not actually being selfish! Honestly, an unbiased onlooker can see that.

To your other question I don't know their relationship, I don't think there is any chance any one could answer that, even the guy himself maybe can't know if he will ever get over her. But what I do know is their relationship does sound slightly unhealthy and difficult. It doesn't sound like young love's dream to be honest. Don't be jealous of them thinking 'they have it all, they are meant to be'... because it sounds like they have both been in some really hard places with eachother. And love can be like that. But it doesn't have to be. I feel like you're a nice person and you should be more confident . Find things you love and don't worry so much about finding the person that's right for you. Literally, life is short, don't waste it being unhappy when you have no real reason to be. Free yourself up from the oppressions that are on you and be strong. Make your own life for yourself, the way you want it. That can involve helping others but a lot of your life has to be about you... Honestly, a lot of people think being completely 'selfless' is the key but you have to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else. Learn to value yourself and not compare yourself to others so much. Just remember this ok - 'be yourself, wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are'. It's so true. If you want you can PM me to let me know how getting out of the arranged marriage goes - I might have to provide some much needed support . But even when people judge you and criticise you, when you know you are doing the right thing for you, that should guide you through and you should be at peace with yourself. Think of the person who you are meant to make happy later on in your life. If you get into this wrong relationship now, you will never be able to make the right person for you happy. And just rememeber, fighting for what's right in life is hard at the time, but it always passes. Keep in mind 'this too will pass'... all the small battles really become water under the bridge after a while. I really respect anyone who has the strength to live in a way that is in line with their truth even when other people are putting them down. It shows character. Anyway all the best and I wish you lots of courage

Thank you so much. I actually did have a chat with my mum just now and she says there is no pressure on me to say yes and that it would be a really bad idea to get married to him right now (or ever lol) I think there was just a lot of misunderstanding especially in the way my grandma proposed this marriage to me. Looks like the situation is getting better. We are not obliged to do anything. I still know that ideally my family would want me to get married to him. But I guess that could only happen if THEY both decide that their relationship isn't going to work and have had a lot of time to get over each other.

But thank you so so much for taking the time to help me Thanks

In a very similar situation only slightly worse

The thing I'll say is. All this says don't marry him

And something I've learnt over the past few weeks
At the end of the day, no matter how many people you ask for advice or help. It has to be you who has to make the decision.
Nobody else does it for you and as I understand it. That is the hardest thing you will ever do.
But nobody else can do it for you no body can tell you anything. It has to come from within you and that is the only way out. Think carefully about what you want and the pros and cons of the situation

Good luck

Its not your typical forced marriage but for reasons best left unsaid I can't really say no (my conscience isn't letting me even though I have the option of saying no).

Getting out of this arranged marriage isn't even a possibility right now. And my jealousy of his gf is eating me up and I just feel like an unwanted extra tbh. I don't have any specific questions as ANY advice would be appreciated right now

aww good luck to you too how is your situation worse if you don't mind me asking?