The Student Room Group

Marriage, Islam

Hi, so I have recently had a marriage proposal the guy is a few years older than me. He comes from a good hard working family, he’s educated, has a good job but I feel like my heart not in it. My whole family has said he’s good, and that I’ll be happy so I said yes to the proposal also had an engagement but I still don’t feel happy or content. I feel like I’m missing out and because f our age gap I’m 22 and he’s 29.
Original post by Akhannn124567
Hi, so I have recently had a marriage proposal the guy is a few years older than me. He comes from a good hard working family, he’s educated, has a good job but I feel like my heart not in it. My whole family has said he’s good, and that I’ll be happy so I said yes to the proposal also had an engagement but I still don’t feel happy or content. I feel like I’m missing out and because f our age gap I’m 22 and he’s 29.

Salaam sister I hope you are well why are you accepting a marriage proposal to a marriage that you don’t necessarily don’t feel content at. Age gap maybe an issue to you, have you considered financial stability between the both of you and how that would work in terms of life after marriage also have you considered maybe doing Istikhara Salah (Prayer) and seeing whether this marriage tie is for you or not? Please don’t feel peer pressured to accepting something unless your heart is at it.
(edited 8 months ago)
Original post by Akhannn124567
Hi, so I have recently had a marriage proposal the guy is a few years older than me. He comes from a good hard working family, he’s educated, has a good job but I feel like my heart not in it. My whole family has said he’s good, and that I’ll be happy so I said yes to the proposal also had an engagement but I still don’t feel happy or content. I feel like I’m missing out and because f our age gap I’m 22 and he’s 29.


Who you marry is the single most important decision of your life. And you're asking for advice on this based on his age, a broad imprecise description of his family, him having a "good" job (whatever that is), a broad imprecise description of your feelings on the matter, your family approving of him - without any details of how well your family knows him and how successful your family have been in picking their marriage partners.

Do you understand the core ingredients that go into creating a long and happy marriage? A lot of it is counter-intuitive to surface logic and social conditioning.
Always trust your gut instinct and put your own health & ambitions first. :smile:

Do not waste your own time or any man's by agreeing to a marriage that you do not want.
Particularly not one solely based on your family members approval of his background or friendship with his relatives.
It is your life, your future and your right to decide whether you are willing to get married & if so when and to whom.

Marriage is a very serious lifelong commitment and making the wrong choice of spouse can have devastating consequences.
If you feel that marriage is a part of your future plans, decide upon your marriage dealbreakers that you need any potential husband to be compatible with and a few dealbreakers of things that you will never tolerate in a spouse.

Then get to know single guys looking to get married and check that they are compatible with all your dealbreakers.
In terms of their: ambitions, body appearance, citizenships, employment & personal backgrounds, health, habits, income, religious beliefs, standard of living, values and work ethic.
Take your time and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Above all- stick to your marriage dealbreakers and do not allow anyone to bully or try to humiliate you for any of your dealbreakers.
Good luck!
Reply 4
Original post by Mohammed_80
Salaam sister I hope you are well why are you accepting a marriage proposal to a marriage that you don’t necessarily don’t feel content at. Age gap maybe an issue to you, have you considered financial stability between the both of you and how that would work in terms of life after marriage also have you considered maybe doing Istikhara Salah (Prayer) and seeing whether this marriage tie is for you or not? Please don’t feel peer pressured to accepting something unless your heart is at it.

Walaykum aslaam, I have prayed Istikhara a couple of time and still feel like unhappy. I accepted the marriage proposal as all my family told he’s a good guy and what not. Now I’m not sure if I’ve made the right choice.
Reply 5
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Who you marry is the single most important decision of your life. And you're asking for advice on this based on his age, a broad imprecise description of his family, him having a "good" job (whatever that is), a broad imprecise description of your feelings on the matter, your family approving of him - without any details of how well your family knows him and how successful your family have been in picking their marriage partners.

Do you understand the core ingredients that go into creating a long and happy marriage? A lot of it is counter-intuitive to surface logic and social conditioning.


I understand thank you, I am going to tell my mum family I would like to meet up with him and have a face to face conversation rather than on messages and over the phone but thank you for your advice.
Original post by londonmyst
Always trust your gut instinct and put your own health & ambitions first. :smile:

Do not waste your own time or any man's by agreeing to a marriage that you do not want.
Particularly not one solely based on your family members approval of his background or friendship with his relatives.
It is your life, your future and your right to decide whether you are willing to get married & if so when and to whom.

Marriage is a very serious lifelong commitment and making the wrong choice of spouse can have devastating consequences.
If you feel that marriage is a part of your future plans, decide upon your marriage dealbreakers that you need any potential husband to be compatible with and a few dealbreakers of things that you will never tolerate in a spouse.

Then get to know single guys looking to get married and check that they are compatible with all your dealbreakers.
In terms of their: ambitions, body appearance, citizenships, employment & personal backgrounds, health, habits, income, religious beliefs, standard of living, values and work ethic.
Take your time and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Above all- stick to your marriage dealbreakers and do not allow anyone to bully or try to humiliate you for any of your dealbreakers.
Good luck!


Thank you for your message, I will meet up with him and ask him questions as we do have a age difference us I would like to ask him questions such as when he would want kids etc and see if we are compatible.
Thank you, I appreciate all of your messages.
Original post by Akhannn124567
Walaykum aslaam, I have prayed Istikhara a couple of time and still feel like unhappy. I accepted the marriage proposal as all my family told he’s a good guy and what not. Now I’m not sure if I’ve made the right choice.


There you go my sister that’s your answer then why go for something if you don’t think is right especially considering it determines your future, the person you’ll spend your life with, when compatibility and mutual understanding isn’t there
Cancel the proposal. Your family will have to cry in their pillow and get over it. It's your life.
Original post by nonchalant-
Cancel the proposal. Your family will have to cry in their pillow and get over it. It's your life.

It’s Islam mate, you should know by know that a lot of them aren’t allowed to make their own choices.
Original post by Anonymous
It’s Islam mate, you should know by know that a lot of them aren’t allowed to make their own choices.

I'm assuming she's in the UK, therefore it's a free country.
Reply 11
Original post by Akhannn124567
I understand thank you, I am going to tell my mum family I would like to meet up with him and have a face to face conversation rather than on messages and over the phone but thank you for your advice.

Why did you miss this very important piece of information out of your opening post? You've accepted marriage to a man you've never net? No wonder you're not happy with the situation...
Original post by Akhannn124567
Hi, so I have recently had a marriage proposal the guy is a few years older than me. He comes from a good hard working family, he’s educated, has a good job but I feel like my heart not in it. My whole family has said he’s good, and that I’ll be happy so I said yes to the proposal also had an engagement but I still don’t feel happy or content. I feel like I’m missing out and because f our age gap I’m 22 and he’s 29.


You are the one getting married to him, not your family. You are the one that would need to spend the rest of your life with him, not your family. It’s fine for your family to introduce you to someone but you need to spend time with him to really get to know him before making such a monumental life determining decision. It is your choice and your life.
Original post by Anonymous
It’s Islam mate, you should know by know that a lot of them aren’t allowed to make their own choices.

I am allowed to cancel the proposal. I spoke to my dad and uncle last night to tell them I’m having second thoughts they told me it’s ok and that they’re happy with whatever I choose.
Accepting a proposal from a dude you’ve never seen face to face wasn’t very smart. By all means agree to meet up and then make the final decision but I think on balance you should cancel it. Because once you’re in it it’s pretty much game over, Islamic marriages are very difficult to get out of without bringing immense shame to the family and wider community, and it also may be a case of you just being expected to be a diligent housewife and baby machine. Maybe that’s what you want but if it isn’t then you still may not have much say in the matter.
(edited 8 months ago)

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