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Having a psychological crisis over my relationship

royal1990

I've posted here extensively over the years about my relationship with my fiancee.

The gist is; I just have this weird gut feeling something is going on. We're long distance as of graduation (post-uni). She moved to a city 150 miles away, I stayed here in our hometown uni location (I live locally).

At start of our relationship she kissed another girl; admitted to it the day after, in a frenzied phone-call, very emotional, teary. I forgave her, though I was destroyed inside. Two years has gone past- I have never ever forgotten.

We're engaged (as crazy as it sounds), we developed a deep connection and I thought we'd moved past it.

Fast forward to current tense: She is living away in a two-be house; I am paying rent on it, even though I don't live there to support her.

Recently long distance fiancee she started a new job, her comms via Facebook have been very sparse, albeit she works 40+ hours a week now, we've gone from speaking numerous times a day to like maybe a message here a message there.
But what I notice more is the amount of times I've messaged her late on an evening, knowing full well she ain't at work, and she's seen my message and been online (on mob/or web) and she doesn't reply, meanwhile, replies in early hours.

I, naturally found this odd, I've addressed my anger at this, her responses are varying. I fell asleep on sofa; I fell asleep in bed (despite telling me she couldnt sleep there whilst i wasnt about).

Upon addressing I told her it was an issue, she was accommodating. Would tell me she'd skype me, and she was messaging more frequently on her breaks. She said to me, I'd skype you tonight, I'd have a quick nap, and skype you...shes been shown to have been online periodically (when I got in from work)...then I check and she isnt even on chat (she'd turned off chat; or so it looked).

I have a horrible gut feeling for the last week nearly two weeks. I am drinking a lot, and I'll be honest, I have a drink problem; I drink alcohol a lot recently. I mean I used to use alcohol a lot to suppress my feelings; but this is just something else.

I have work tomorrow and I dont even want to go in. I see a therapist for my mental health issues; but they were never as bad as this. I must admit, I have a paranoia issue, but I don't think this is the case. Why do I have this constant bad feeling?

Some of you may recognise my story.

Reply 1

username47781

I think you are worrying/reading far too much into this.

Reply 2

username1623349

This is the exact same thread as before. I feel like you're going to keep posting the same thing until you get the answer you want.
I'll say what I said before, you're stressing out about irrelevant things eg you refuse to believe she's sleeping because she said she can't sleep without you there. All couples say that but at the end of the day, she IS still going to be sleeping. You're being paranoid and you don't have any proof. She's trying to accommodate your paranoia when you mentioned it to her and you've responded by getting even worse. TSR can't help you with this, your therapist can.

Basically, talk to your therapist about this and stop posting the same thread multiple times, because TSR clearly hasn't helped to resolve the issue, or you wouldn't still be here

Reply 3

royal1990

For the record, we had a chat shortly after me having posted this. The idea ran through my head constantly. It got to me so much, that upon her finally messaging me (overdue) I told her I needed some time alone and that I was having a bad time.

She rings me like 7/8 times; texting frantically. I eventually answer, she starts frantically asking me if I'm okay, I tell her 'well I've had a ****ty week (various reasons) and me and you constantly arguing and I feel like I have major issues'.

She reassures me again; starts crying her eyes out, telling me she 'loves me so ********* much, and doesn't want to lose me' , that she thought I was gonna split with her. I told her no, but that because I've had a bad week and I dunno what is up with me. She starts telling me she doesn't deserve me, I could have anyone but her, this and that, she doesn't feel worthy of me (for some reason).

I then tell her that I have serious problems- and we start having this massive (almost intellectual) discussion about 'resilience' and overcoming problems and honesty.

She keeps telling me she feels unworthy of me-- I try to dig down deeper as to why. She tells me she 'just' doesnt. But that she didn't want to share why.

Can you understand why I feel like I do?

There is always a possibility. Uncertainty is one of my triggers, and my inability to deal with it in the present time. I cannot deal with the in-betweens, the what ifs, the not knowing. To me its always got to be black or white, because at least I know. Something I am working on with my therapist, but its really hard.

Reply 4

royal1990

Original post by georgiaswift

I appreciate your response and I entirely agree with you. I have lots of emotional problems and ones which only a professional can resolve. Even then, sometimes I want to throw in the towel, because even 'she' my therapist has a hard time with me- having seen pangs of her frustrations with me.

I have had an inability to regulate my emotions for the majority of my teenage years and now in my mid-twenties, and I've frequented this forum (TSR) for the last (at a guess) 7 years. I guess metaphorically searching for an answer. I've had varied results- I've had positives and I've had negatives.

My mental health gets so bad, that even, sometimes I cling onto the hope that random strangers on the net can give me advise, because sometimes it feels i've exhausted every other avenue and I give up. I understand the majority on here are students and young people and couldn't possibly resolve my mental health issues (nor do I expect)-- however, when your this down you turn to any sanctuary you can.

For me, my sanctuary has been TSR- -even though I've had some responses I don't particularly like. I know I have issues, and I'm a difficult guy to deal with in real life.

Thanks for your response.

Reply 5

Emily.97

Although this is evidently taking over you and dominating your thoughts, i don't think every one should be as quick to dismiss your argument. It's very easy for us to say you're over thinking it, but maybe her behaviour has changed because of an underlying reason (as well as work) that we are unaware of. Maybe it is unlike her to be so distant when she is at home and could contact him.

Im not sure what to suggest, because if you do confront her and tell her your fears she may become extremely upset (if she's telling the truth) or just deny it (if something is going on).

Do you talk to her on the phone much? Or is it predominantly instant messaging? Have you noticed anything more concrete in terms of her behaving differently? You're in a better position to judge whether she is behaving unusually because you know her well.

Reply 6

royal1990

This is my thoughts exactly. I have noticed a shift in her behaviour certainly.

My main concern is her change in her online behaviour. This has been happening the last fortnight, since she got her new job. She is oftentimes now active for long periods, and I will message her, she will see the message, but will not respond.

I then receive a message at 'silly'o clock' telling me she 'feel asleep' etc etc.

But this cycle repeats fairly often. The question, and problem I've having is; is she really tired and falls asleep (due to new job), OR because she is talking to somebody else.

Of course, it is perfectly plausible she is chatting to a friend, however, in my experience she never invests so much time in messaging mates, and always had a prompt response time to me.

I get the impression she still knows that I'm suspicious or 'paranoid' because she is so upset. Hence, why she rang me 6/7 times in a frenzy, telling me she thought I wanted to split with her- after telling her, I needed time alone.

Distinguishing between whether this extreme display of emotion is manifestation of guilty or genuine innocence is the problem. Objectively, I will never get an honest answer if she is guilty. Why would any cheater admit to it (logically)? Unless I was to literally spend every ounce drumming it out of her.

We had a discussion today -see post above- and she told me she didn't want to share why she thought she wasn't worthy or good enough for me.

More recently, we talked on the phone, due to our arguing. But my concerns have primarily been about her Instant Messaging activity. As explained above- and reasons she gives for not replying.

I am in a better position, but because I am not confident in my own abilities, and because I'm sat here second guessing myself and her- I no longer know.