To tell her or not?

Scroll to see replies

If she doesn't feel the same, how would it destroy her relationship?

And if she does feel the same, and wants to split up with her boyfriend, then she's an adult and can make her own decisions.. and in this case it would mean she's not happy with him anyway?

Why do you feel the need to interfere? She's with someone just respect it and let her know when she is single. Would you like it if someone was doing the same to you? I see from your earlier post you said you wouldnt mind, bet when you actually experienced it in real life you would.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 21

Anonymous #1

Original post by 999tigger

I think we're on completely different pages. Possibly different books.

Look, I'm not going to tell her, but not for your reasons.

I believe in honesty with how you feel about someone, and not hiding things, I find hiding things a bit creepy. I did that once with someone who had a boyfriend, for two years I hid those feelings, and when I finally told her, she told me she had once liked me that way too, but I'd left it too long, and she asked why didn't I tell her earlier, as things could have been different.

I've known several people who've broken up with their partners to be with someone else, usually when things are not going well in their own relationship, and they see how it could be with someone else they feel a stronger connection with. I see a bad side to this too though, as jumping from one into another is rarely a good thing, which is one of the reasons why I'm hesitant.

I think that adults are experienced enough to decide for themselves who they want to be with. If someone hypothetically wanted to be with me and not someone else, and I wanted to be with them, I see no problem with this, as we are both making our own decisions. I don't "respect a relationship", I respect the people in it, and their own free will.

I have experienced similar things in my life, actually. My best friend got with my ex gf, and kept it a secret, after she broke up with me and they became a couple. He later admitted having feelings for her while we were together. I admit, I was angry, I felt let down and very hurt. I felt like those were the feelings I should be feeling, as everybody would feel that way, right? Logically, I turned it over in my head, and over a period of months, I came to realise that if she wasn't happy with me, and was better suited to be with him, who was I to get in the way, even though I wish he'd have told me his feelings earlier, and not kept it a secret. If you're with someone, but they'd rather be with someone else, then you should "allow"* them to follow their heart, if you love them, as ridiculously hard as that can be. *Allow isn't a good word to use here, as you don't have control over what your partner does, or shouldn't do anyway.

Another related story is when I was with my first gf, she met a guy on a train to work every morning, who told her he liked her. She told me, and I spoke to this guy and told him I'm not pissed off. We all got together a few times and played some video games and became decent friends.

Reply 22

999tigger

You just come across as pretty selfish and dont respect the fact someone else is in a relationship. That is interfering. I wouldnt expect someone else to do it to me and i wouldnt do it to anyone else. There are plenty of other singles you can try and date. Your honesty argument is baloney, its about what you want, dont kid yourself.

Reply 23

Anonymous #1

Original post by 999tigger

How is telling someone that I like her not respecting that she's in a relationship? She can do with that information whatever she pleases.

Reply 24

Anonymous #2

I think it's pretty cool and admirable in and of itself that you have such a solid understanding of emotions--or would it be more accurate to say that you attempt to have a solid understanding of them. Pretty much sounds like you already have an idea of how you're going to deal with the situation, but you're starting to feel uncomfortable because your appraoch to this doesn't really mesh with how society (most people) believe that this situation should be dealt with.

Although completely different both sides arent without merit. Were I to be in the same situation I'd probably hold the emotions in and let them hopefully die out slowly. But then again I'd do this in order to avoid awkwardness with the individual who i held affection towards, and perhaps conflict with the partner of said individual. The social consensus is that if you try to get between two peope in a relationship, then you're a home wrecker--which isn't a completely false consensus depending on how you go about portraying your emotions.

Forceful or manipulative persuits aren't okay, but if you’re just telling the person you like them, while outlining your intentions (that you just want them to be aware of your feelings, but don't intend to force their hand or get between their current relationship), then it should be fine. You respect their current situation and you also respect your own emotions by not forcing yourself to prioritise other's over yours. If the person does leave their current relationship for you, then it's their choice (it probably also means that within that relationship things weren't to their liking).

If a third parties confession is seen as the end-all-be-all of relationship armegedon, then obviously the people with such a mindset don't fully themselves respect or understand the foundation of what a 'true' or 'solid' relationship is.

People are quite stingy with their emotions nowadays anyways, and that does more harm than good. All this stoicism and refrain causes some unnecessary pent up sh-t, and indirectly constructs pessimistic outlooks on the outcome of letting your emotions be known. For a supposedly 'civilised' collection of organisms its pretty primative for someone to get to easily offended by another's simple expression of emotion...mostly because you're not taught exactly how to deal with said expression in a 'civil' manner. -_- no, punching someone or verbally abusing them in an attempt to show dominance or possessiveness over your possession (oh, sorry, your 'partner') isn't civil.

As a human you're entitled to an expression of your emotions. As a human the person you're confessing to also has a right to express their own emotions in response to yours. Be that positive or negative, you won't know until you try. Worrying is a waste of imagination, and listening to society is a watse of your emotional commitment. Just tell them and then they can decide what to do from there; if they want to stay in the relationship your confessions probably gonna do very little to shake it, might actually make their bond stronger.