Girlfriend's insecurities and her mental health.

This is going to be a long one.

My girlfriend and I have been dating long distance for around 2 years now, and early on in the relationship we had talked about our pasts etc. as couples often do. During that conversation, I mentioned an ex of about a month that I dated at least a year before dating her (and there was another girl of 3 months in between the relationships) and apparently spoke too highly of her - I definitely have a tendency of putting my foot in my mouth but I stress I DO NOT think highly of the ex at all.

Fast forward two years and my girlfriend is now letting it get to her to the point where it's ruining everything. We don't get to enjoy our time any more because whenever we do something, she flips out - genuinely can't remember the last time we had a good day. She has had several panic attacks on Skype/during calls, talked of depression, anxiety and even more serious issues than that, demanding answers that I've already given her. She won't even believe me when I explain to her that it simply isn't true that this ex meant anything other than a University fling, nor did I understand why she's letting something that occurred before we had even met affect her in this way. I ask her why she's neglects all of the significant things I say about her every time we speak? She can't even justify why she's with me, and this is beginning to chip away at me severely.

Now it may seem obvious that this is not possible to easily fix, and given the impact it's been having on my University life (late nights arguing in circles), I've thought about leaving. But the issue is that I very much love this girl, and it kills me to see her struggling this badly. Furthermore, she tells me that without me, she's alone (her family and friends are never around, and it really peeves me off) and therefore can't leave out of crippling fear of descending into chaos - she's really stuck and feeling inferior is making her depression worse and worse, which terrifies me. This confuses me massively but increasingly points in the direction of depression. Any advice on how to juggle this? I'm extremely worried about out relationship, but even more worried about her. Sorry it's long, any response would be a huge help.

Reply 1

MrsSheldonCooper

Maybe do a romantic gesture?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by MrsSheldonCooper

Maybe do a romantic gesture?

To her surprise, I bought a ticket to fly over to her next month about 2 months ago just to give her a boost. She isn't even appreciating that, or the fact that I'm trying to help.

Reply 3

mr.cool09

Original post by Anonymous

To her surprise, I bought a ticket to fly over to her next month about 2 months ago just to give her a boost. She isn't even appreciating that, or the fact that I'm trying to help.

Don't waste your time on her. She is likely to be better without you and vice versa.

Sometime, relationships reach their peak. I mean 2 years is pretty long... that honeymoon phase disappears. If she is for you then she would be calm about your ex. Blaming it on her family is not the one.

I have a really good feeling that the holiday is not going to go well, based on her reaction. If she is not happy now then she probably won't be happy then. You don't want to be coming back with that earache, which at this stage can possibly happen.

Be happy, DO NOT WASTE TOO MUCH ENERGY ON OTHERS BECAUSE IT WILL TAKE A TOLL ON YOU. And please don't become trapped in the cycle where you spend a lot of time trying to make her happy and it doesn't really get you anywhere, but where you started from.

I know 2 years relationship is too long and you have many emotions and memories together... but take it for me, been there and done it.

Although all this is my own view, and therefore you do not have to follow it through.

Alternatively you can take TWO months break from the relationship and see how that goes.

Reply 4

yummybee

Just tell her you love her but if she keeps this up, you might have to give up. Give her an ultimatum

Reply 5

doodle_333

You need to set some boundaries. It's simply not helpful for her to be constantly going over and over this obsessive insecurity and while you may feel you're trying to reassure her, you're not, you're enabling her to continue to obsess and everything you say I guarantee she will twist to fit her viewpoint anyway.

The more she thinks/talks about this the harder it will be to let go. What she needs to do is start ignoring the thoughts and not engaging with them whenever they come up. And also possibly talk to a counsellor if this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour/feelings.

You need to insist on not talking about it all the time and set some limits on what you will put up with before you leave her.