Why do some girls stay with guys who beat them?

I was living in a different accommodation before I moved to my new one. There was a couple next door to me and they used to argue a lot. Mostly it was just words.

But a few times when the guy came back from the nightclub drunk, he was violent towards the girl. I remember one time I got woke up at 4.30AM, and heard smashing of pots. She then went home because of her injuries.

I kind of wish I could have done something back then, but the door was locked so I've accepted that I couldn't do anything. I don't even know why it's haunting me now when I've moved to a different accommodation and have cut contact with both of them.

Reply 1

tapir

8

Original post by Anonymous

I was living in a different accommodation before I moved to my new one. There was a couple next door to me and they used to argue a lot. Mostly it was just words.

But a few times when the guy came back from the nightclub drunk, he was violent towards the girl. I remember one time I got woke up at 4.30AM, and heard smashing of pots. She then went home because of her injuries.

I kind of wish I could have done something back then, but the door was locked so I've accepted that I couldn't do anything. I don't even know why it's haunting me now when I've moved to a different accommodation and have cut contact with both of them.

Probably because they threatened to rape and/or kill them if they left. I know one of my roomates was a runaway and her ex husband was a serial rapist/liquor store robber. The scariest stories I've ever heard, came from her.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 2

Yaboi

17

I wonder the same thing about men that stay with abusive women.

Reply 3

Txhmid

13

they might not be able to afford to live on their own or something of that sort

Reply 4

hezzlington

20

Emotional blackmail, it's complicated. The person being abused can sometimes be made to feel like it's their fault and they're guilty of it.

Reply 5

Anonymous #2

cos he probably did the obvious, came back and told her he loved her and that was enough to convince her to go back

Reply 6

Anonymous #3

Manipulation. The abuser will figure out his/her targets vulnerability, may it be an insecurity or financial matter, and will use it to their advantage. My parents manipulated each other. My dad needed my mum for his money and reputation, and she needed him for his passport (UK citizenship) and money. Nasty stuff.

Reply 7

Moonstruck16

5

"I can change them"

Also, for both men and women, they've been made to feel useless alone. And being in this abusive relationship offers more stability than not being in one at all and thay is truly, incredibly sad.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 8

Anonymous #4

It's very hard to walk away from someone abusive, mentally and physically. It is usually as a result of poor self esteem, either because the person being abused had it to begin with or the partner very slowly over time mistreated them more and more, and they get manipulated and scared into believing that they're not deserving of anything more, that they won't find better, or they're scared of the consequences of leaving. I imagine if someone is being physically beaten, and they try to leave, the abused might think that the partner will kill them, or that they'll end up alone for a long time. Just a few suggestions. I haven't been physically abused by anyone but I have suffered emotional abuse.

Reply 9

doodle_333

19

lots of reasons
- financial dependence
- social isolation
- low self esteem
- feel like it's their fault
- scared to leave
etc

abusers generally isolate their partner socially so they have nowhere to go and no one to turn to, they control their finances or stop them working so they are unable to support themselves if they leave, the victim is usually manipulated into feeling it's their fault or if they did things diffferently it may stop... it also usually happens slowly over time, first it's just OTT anger, then words, then threats, then they get hit once but it will 'never happen again', then it does happen again etc but by that point they're in too deep and it's hard to get out

also if you're ever in that situation again - CALL THE POLICE, seriously, you should never intervene yourslef as you have no idea what the guy might do if you try and step between them but you should definitely call the police so that someone can talk to the woman, it may give her the courage to seek help

Reply 10

doodle_333

19

Original post by Yaboi

I wonder the same thing about men that stay with abusive women.

and with men you have the added shame that 'men shouldn't get abused' or 'should be able to defend themselves against a woman' and the feeling that no one will believe them

Reply 11

username155270

15

It's probably the norm for her. Grew up in a household with the same type of behaviour so it doesn't phase her.

Reply 12

Asolare

20

Whole range of reasons, it's a very complicated issue.

But fundamentally what most people cannot grasp is that simply because someone is abusive to you, it does not stop you from loving them. A person could treat you like scum of the Earth, yet on some irrational, emotional level, you still want to be with them and try and justify their behaviour etc.

It's not as simple as people think.

Reply 13

Shaaayxp

12

The bigger question is why are their partners beating them in the first place :redface:

Reply 14

stressedotu

4

A lot of the time people think that eventually their abusive partner will change, or in some cases that they are enough to change them. There's a lot of emotional abuse that comes with physical abuse and it can be incredibly hard to walk away from someone when you're in that situation.

Why do some girls stay with guys who beat them?

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