Terminally ill parent when starting Uni

Hello there my name is Holly and I’m 18 years old. I’m about to start a theoretical physics degree at Queens university next month. Last week my father was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer and was given less than a year to live. I am completely crushed and I now don’t know what to do next year. My dad wants me to go in september but I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope. If there is anyone out there who has had a similar experience with losing a parent young I’d really appreciate some advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Reply 1

claireestelle

22

Original post by Holly Huddleston

Hello there my name is Holly and I’m 18 years old. I’m about to start a theoretical physics degree at Queens university next month. Last week my father was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer and was given less than a year to live. I am completely crushed and I now don’t know what to do next year. My dad wants me to go in september but I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope. If there is anyone out there who has had a similar experience with losing a parent young I’d really appreciate some advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Hello Holly, firstly sorry about your dad. Mine passed when I was 9 and I had a terminally ill grandparent when i started uni. There is no right thing to do, it's what feels right. Defering a year in the grand scheme of things isn't going to make a big difference to your future but spending that time making memories with your dad whilst you can could make a big difference.

Reply 2

User8612

8

Original post by Holly Huddleston

Hello there my name is Holly and I’m 18 years old. I’m about to start a theoretical physics degree at Queens university next month. Last week my father was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer and was given less than a year to live. I am completely crushed and I now don’t know what to do next year. My dad wants me to go in september but I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope. If there is anyone out there who has had a similar experience with losing a parent young I’d really appreciate some advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Hi Holly. First of all, I am so sorry about your father's diagnosis. I have been in a similar situation to you with a terminally ill parent and being away at university, so while everyone's situation is different and don't know exactly how you feel, I have experienced this situation.

My advice, for what it's worth is this: give university a try for one semester. The last thing your dad wants is for you to put your life on hold because of him, and so it may actually help him to know that you will be going. He won't think that you are abandoning him. He won't think that you don't care. And he won't think that you don't love him.

Now, that won't keep away the guilt of not being there, and that's why I say give it a semester. You may find that it is too difficult to be away, and if that turns out to be the case, then you can always take a leave of absence and pause your studies. You can then pick them up again once you feel able to go back (your funding should also pause, by the way). When you arrive at Queen's, go to student services and explain the situation. They will be able to put you in touch with a counsellor who can help you through this. If you feel comfortable doing it, you can also tell your professors, and this will ease the burden a little as they will probbaly be more lenient with deadlines.

The important thing to remember is that there is no 'right' thing to do in this situation. All you can do is figure out what the right thing is for you to do.

If the thought of being away is just too much, then I'm sure your dad will understand. Deferring for a year is also an option.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 3

Nahaha

13

I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't speak from experience, but I think you should go. Your parents would want you to keep learning and make a life for yourself. I'm sure the university would be understanding if you need to take time off. I hope things work out for you.

Reply 4

xoxAngel_Kxox

21

Firstly I am so sorry that you are going through this. I understand why your dad wants you to go to uni, but if I'm being completely honest if I were you I think I would defer a year.

If I had been told that my dad had less than a year to live, there's no way I would want to move away for that year. I would want to spend as much time with him as I could - and he's certain to need more help with things as time goes on, too.

It might be worth contacting your uni and explaining the situation and asking whether you could defer. I think if you moved away for your father's last year, you would come to regret it in the future.

I don't have any experience of losing a parent so I'll let others jump in on that one, but that's just the opinion of an outsider looking in for you.

Lots of love xx

Reply 5

NetworkProblem

10

Original post by Holly Huddleston

Hello there my name is Holly and I’m 18 years old. I’m about to start a theoretical physics degree at Queens university next month. Last week my father was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer and was given less than a year to live. I am completely crushed and I now don’t know what to do next year. My dad wants me to go in september but I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope. If there is anyone out there who has had a similar experience with losing a parent young I’d really appreciate some advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Hi Holly, sorry to hear of this. I hope you are okay as can be expected.

I lost my Dad when I was 15 and my Mum, for as long as I can remember had always been in and out of hospital. I decided to go to University, but during my first year, I was having some difficulties adapting to being away from home and away from my Mum. I was struggling to get into the routine of going to my lectures as I hated my course and in general I didn't even understand why I was there. I wasn't really submitting any of my assignments and I was just going out a lot of the time. In the end I decided it wasn't for me and moved back home and worked for a while.

After talking with my Mum I decided I would give University another try. I thought hard about what I wanted to do and made a commitment that this year would be better than the last. I went back and things were much better, I had friends, I was submitting my assignments but a part of me still didn't feel like I should be there. In the January, my Mum quite unexpectedly passed and so naturally I had to interrupt my studies. I moved back to my home city and worked again.

Honestly, it was difficult for me to begin with. I was feeling incredibly guilty of the time I had wasted when I could have been home spending time with her. I felt frustrated that I had these opportunities at University that I hadn't fully taken advantage of and missed an opportunity to make her proud. I felt that my Mum had passed being disappointed in what I'd achieved. It took a while for me to get back to my normal self and understand that my Mum always encouraged me take my own path and that she fully supported me in that.

That year, I decided I was going to go back to University and I was going to finish! In a strange way, my experience unlocked a drive in me I'd never had before, I think because my motivation to do it was for her! Even after she'd passed University was still hard for me. Grief hits you at the most unexpected times and despite having friends around you, you can still feel really alone. I just kept in my mind why I was there and why I was doing it. The University staff were fantastic, they obviously knew of my recent circumstances and were great at helping me transition back into learning. I got more Firsts over those three years than I ever could have imagined. I worked harder than I ever had before! Now I'm an MSc student, I keep with me the same drive, I want to make my Mum proud! I've just finished my first year of a part-time MSc top of cohort.

There is no right or wrong decision here. You know yourself better than anyone and what your triggers are. Even if you could go in September and 100% apply yourself, or you feel you would constantly wish you were somewhere else, you still have some thinking to do.

Just because my experience was awful, doesn't mean the same for everyone else. We are all different and we all have different coping mechanisms. Just know, there is no timeframe on when you need to get a degree, I didn't graduate until I was 23.

(edited 5 years ago)

Terminally ill parent when starting Uni

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