Parents dont want me moving out for uni, even though i've firmed one
So my parents (sri lankan tamils) were always against the idea of me moving out, so when i applied on ucas, i put 3 unis in london and then two out of london. Due to some circumstances, i would not be able to go to the uni i wanted to in london (as i dont think i'll get the requirements and depression), but i have an unconditional (thank god) to one outside of london which is quite good, and not too far.
They seemed to have gotten along with the idea, until today when my mum says she doesnt want me to move out, because she's scared that men (like professors and male students) could do something to me.. and this came along because her friend was telling her about that as well as the news articles she's been reading. It's only this year she found out that a majority of my friends and other girls drink, so i guess she's worried i'll be influenced (i dont drink). she also said my dad doesnt want me to move, because all of his co-worker's daughter's go to unis in london, and he feels ashamed ?? that i wont be. I guess that means i'm not 'proper'-codeword for a rebel and whore. I told my mum that im not stupid and i'll always be on the lookout for danger (i usually am anyways), plus i have two of my friends coming w me to the same uni. however one of those friends (also tamil) drink, so she really doesnt want me to hang around her. what she doesnt understand is that most girls drink- even the ones she thought would not.
i love my parents and i dont want to upset them.. and i dont know how to convince them that it'll be ok..
man i hate being a daughter of tamil parents- it would be so much easier being a guy cos then none of this cultural stuff affects you. being a girl means you get judged for moving out for uni, get judged for how you dress, get judged for the way you are, get judged for a lot of things. not that this doesnt apply to tamil guys as well, but i feel like it's a thousand times more scrutinised when it comes to tamil girls
They seemed to have gotten along with the idea, until today when my mum says she doesnt want me to move out, because she's scared that men (like professors and male students) could do something to me.. and this came along because her friend was telling her about that as well as the news articles she's been reading. It's only this year she found out that a majority of my friends and other girls drink, so i guess she's worried i'll be influenced (i dont drink). she also said my dad doesnt want me to move, because all of his co-worker's daughter's go to unis in london, and he feels ashamed ?? that i wont be. I guess that means i'm not 'proper'-codeword for a rebel and whore. I told my mum that im not stupid and i'll always be on the lookout for danger (i usually am anyways), plus i have two of my friends coming w me to the same uni. however one of those friends (also tamil) drink, so she really doesnt want me to hang around her. what she doesnt understand is that most girls drink- even the ones she thought would not.
i love my parents and i dont want to upset them.. and i dont know how to convince them that it'll be ok..
man i hate being a daughter of tamil parents- it would be so much easier being a guy cos then none of this cultural stuff affects you. being a girl means you get judged for moving out for uni, get judged for how you dress, get judged for the way you are, get judged for a lot of things. not that this doesnt apply to tamil guys as well, but i feel like it's a thousand times more scrutinised when it comes to tamil girls
Original post by Anonymous
So my parents (sri lankan tamils) were always against the idea of me moving out, so when i applied on ucas, i put 3 unis in london and then two out of london. Due to some circumstances, i would not be able to go to the uni i wanted to in london (as i dont think i'll get the requirements and depression), but i have an unconditional (thank god) to one outside of london which is quite good, and not too far.
They seemed to have gotten along with the idea, until today when my mum says she doesnt want me to move out, because she's scared that men (like professors and male students) could do something to me.. and this came along because her friend was telling her about that as well as the news articles she's been reading. It's only this year she found out that a majority of my friends and other girls drink, so i guess she's worried i'll be influenced (i dont drink). she also said my dad doesnt want me to move, because all of his co-worker's daughter's go to unis in london, and he feels ashamed ?? that i wont be. I guess that means i'm not 'proper'-codeword for a rebel and whore. I told my mum that im not stupid and i'll always be on the lookout for danger (i usually am anyways), plus i have two of my friends coming w me to the same uni. however one of those friends (also tamil) drink, so she really doesnt want me to hang around her. what she doesnt understand is that most girls drink- even the ones she thought would not.
i love my parents and i dont want to upset them.. and i dont know how to convince them that it'll be ok..
man i hate being a daughter of tamil parents- it would be so much easier being a guy cos then none of this cultural stuff affects you. being a girl means you get judged for moving out for uni, get judged for how you dress, get judged for the way you are, get judged for a lot of things. not that this doesnt apply to tamil guys as well, but i feel like it's a thousand times more scrutinised when it comes to tamil girls
They seemed to have gotten along with the idea, until today when my mum says she doesnt want me to move out, because she's scared that men (like professors and male students) could do something to me.. and this came along because her friend was telling her about that as well as the news articles she's been reading. It's only this year she found out that a majority of my friends and other girls drink, so i guess she's worried i'll be influenced (i dont drink). she also said my dad doesnt want me to move, because all of his co-worker's daughter's go to unis in london, and he feels ashamed ?? that i wont be. I guess that means i'm not 'proper'-codeword for a rebel and whore. I told my mum that im not stupid and i'll always be on the lookout for danger (i usually am anyways), plus i have two of my friends coming w me to the same uni. however one of those friends (also tamil) drink, so she really doesnt want me to hang around her. what she doesnt understand is that most girls drink- even the ones she thought would not.
i love my parents and i dont want to upset them.. and i dont know how to convince them that it'll be ok..
man i hate being a daughter of tamil parents- it would be so much easier being a guy cos then none of this cultural stuff affects you. being a girl means you get judged for moving out for uni, get judged for how you dress, get judged for the way you are, get judged for a lot of things. not that this doesnt apply to tamil guys as well, but i feel like it's a thousand times more scrutinised when it comes to tamil girls
Obviously your parents are wrong and ill informed on so many levels.
Culture, misinformed and age.
Weve had these questions before. The only way would be to get someone they might respect or listen to.
Does this uni have any Tamil society and would they listen to them?
Also are your parents religious? Would they listen to one of the unis pastors from whatever religion you are?
Maybe someone from the international department?
Ofc if you do go and live away you will have much more independence and develop that more than you would living at home. Focus on your exams and sort the rest out later.
the uni does indeed have tamil society but judging by the pictures they've posted,, it doesnt exactly seem like one my parents will approve of (drinking etc. my family is religious but they will only trust one that is tamil, and im sure the tamil pastors would be thinking in the same lines as my parents. i'm not sure if there are any tamil pastors at uni, but i dont think there would be (its quite white based).
i just dont want them to worry too much.. my biggest fear is that they'll get ill or hurt and i wouldnt be able to get there on time.
i just dont want them to worry too much.. my biggest fear is that they'll get ill or hurt and i wouldnt be able to get there on time.
Original post by 999tigger
Obviously your parents are wrong and ill informed on so many levels.
Culture, misinformed and age.
Weve had these questions before. The only way would be to get someone they might respect or listen to.
Does this uni have any Tamil society and would they listen to them?
Also are your parents religious? Would they listen to one of the unis pastors from whatever religion you are?
Maybe someone from the international department?
Ofc if you do go and live away you will have much more independence and develop that more than you would living at home. Focus on your exams and sort the rest out later.
Culture, misinformed and age.
Weve had these questions before. The only way would be to get someone they might respect or listen to.
Does this uni have any Tamil society and would they listen to them?
Also are your parents religious? Would they listen to one of the unis pastors from whatever religion you are?
Maybe someone from the international department?
Ofc if you do go and live away you will have much more independence and develop that more than you would living at home. Focus on your exams and sort the rest out later.
Original post by Anonymous
the uni does indeed have tamil society but judging by the pictures they've posted,, it doesnt exactly seem like one my parents will approve of (drinking etc. my family is religious but they will only trust one that is tamil, and im sure the tamil pastors would be thinking in the same lines as my parents. i'm not sure if there are any tamil pastors at uni, but i dont think there would be (its quite white based).
i just dont want them to worry too much.. my biggest fear is that they'll get ill or hurt and i wouldnt be able to get there on time.
i just dont want them to worry too much.. my biggest fear is that they'll get ill or hurt and i wouldnt be able to get there on time.
Its hard to say as I dont know the unis concerned distances etc. TSR gets a lot of these sort of threads but it is normally Muslims or Indians. I get the feeling you would benefit from leaving London and having some independence because you are feeling stifled and less in control.
Even if I spent ages writing a list of reasons why it would be ok, then I dont feel they would pay any attention to anything other than their own views on the way of things and how they work, even though they have very little knowledge or understanding on many aspects. They wont change so leave it till later.
I can imagine you are frustrated, but for now focus on your exams. Your results will decide your options.
If they arent good enough you can consider foundation or retake.
I still think you should make a safe place in your head for what you really want to study and where. When you know your results and options then post back and we can run through them. In most cases you only get uni once, so I would weight that v other options. I am against going to a poor uni you don want.
My only other thought is to take them on an open day, but that has a small chance of backfiring to just confirming their view.
Original post by 999tigger
Its hard to say as I dont know the unis concerned distances etc. TSR gets a lot of these sort of threads but it is normally Muslims or Indians. I get the feeling you would benefit from leaving London and having some independence because you are feeling stifled and less in control.
Even if I spent ages writing a list of reasons why it would be ok, then I dont feel they would pay any attention to anything other than their own views on the way of things and how they work, even though they have very little knowledge or understanding on many aspects. They wont change so leave it till later.
I can imagine you are frustrated, but for now focus on your exams. Your results will decide your options.
If they arent good enough you can consider foundation or retake.
I still think you should make a safe place in your head for what you really want to study and where. When you know your results and options then post back and we can run through them. In most cases you only get uni once, so I would weight that v other options. I am against going to a poor uni you don want.
My only other thought is to take them on an open day, but that has a small chance of backfiring to just confirming their view.
Even if I spent ages writing a list of reasons why it would be ok, then I dont feel they would pay any attention to anything other than their own views on the way of things and how they work, even though they have very little knowledge or understanding on many aspects. They wont change so leave it till later.
I can imagine you are frustrated, but for now focus on your exams. Your results will decide your options.
If they arent good enough you can consider foundation or retake.
I still think you should make a safe place in your head for what you really want to study and where. When you know your results and options then post back and we can run through them. In most cases you only get uni once, so I would weight that v other options. I am against going to a poor uni you don want.
My only other thought is to take them on an open day, but that has a small chance of backfiring to just confirming their view.
sri lankan tamils are similar to indian tamils, so you're not far off.. i really do think leaving london will benefit me so much because i've come to realise i dont know how to do anything by myself because my parents constantly baby me. I didn't notice this until a few months ago. I'm sick and tired of living this way and i really need this change. ofc if i tell that to my parents they will just dismiss me, because as usually, they're the ones that are always 'right' and im wrong. Just this morning my mum asked me how far my uni is from my house (its about an hour in little traffic) and said she's considering dropping me and picking me up every day. it infuriated me to say the least, but i just said yeah i'll consider that. i've been picked up and dropped for my entire school career, until sixth form, and i hated it. I was grateful, but to me their 24/7 presence was just overwhelming. for 7 years, it was just home-school-home, and i wasnt even allowed out until i was 16, meaning i lost a lot of friends from primary as they wouldnt allow me to go to their house etc. i KNOW if i get picked up etc for uni as well, i'll lose it. im already quite shy as it is, and it would just make it more difficult to make friends. i'd just spend my time at home, being depressed as i have been for 5 years.
I dont even have many tamil friends, as my parents babied me so much and always made me sit next to them and not act 'immature' during big family events. i dont know how to communicate with people, although i've been learning for the past year or so. hell, i couldnt even speak to guys since i was so scared until i started year 13.
im so sorry to pile this all up on you but i just need to vent somewhere before i do something i may regret.
Original post by Anonymous
So my parents (sri lankan tamils) were always against the idea of me moving out, so when i applied on ucas, i put 3 unis in london and then two out of london. Due to some circumstances, i would not be able to go to the uni i wanted to in london (as i dont think i'll get the requirements and depression), but i have an unconditional (thank god) to one outside of london which is quite good, and not too far.
They seemed to have gotten along with the idea, until today when my mum says she doesnt want me to move out, because she's scared that men (like professors and male students) could do something to me.. and this came along because her friend was telling her about that as well as the news articles she's been reading. It's only this year she found out that a majority of my friends and other girls drink, so i guess she's worried i'll be influenced (i dont drink). she also said my dad doesnt want me to move, because all of his co-worker's daughter's go to unis in london, and he feels ashamed ?? that i wont be. I guess that means i'm not 'proper'-codeword for a rebel and whore. I told my mum that im not stupid and i'll always be on the lookout for danger (i usually am anyways), plus i have two of my friends coming w me to the same uni. however one of those friends (also tamil) drink, so she really doesnt want me to hang around her. what she doesnt understand is that most girls drink- even the ones she thought would not.
i love my parents and i dont want to upset them.. and i dont know how to convince them that it'll be ok..
man i hate being a daughter of tamil parents- it would be so much easier being a guy cos then none of this cultural stuff affects you. being a girl means you get judged for moving out for uni, get judged for how you dress, get judged for the way you are, get judged for a lot of things. not that this doesnt apply to tamil guys as well, but i feel like it's a thousand times more scrutinised when it comes to tamil girls
They seemed to have gotten along with the idea, until today when my mum says she doesnt want me to move out, because she's scared that men (like professors and male students) could do something to me.. and this came along because her friend was telling her about that as well as the news articles she's been reading. It's only this year she found out that a majority of my friends and other girls drink, so i guess she's worried i'll be influenced (i dont drink). she also said my dad doesnt want me to move, because all of his co-worker's daughter's go to unis in london, and he feels ashamed ?? that i wont be. I guess that means i'm not 'proper'-codeword for a rebel and whore. I told my mum that im not stupid and i'll always be on the lookout for danger (i usually am anyways), plus i have two of my friends coming w me to the same uni. however one of those friends (also tamil) drink, so she really doesnt want me to hang around her. what she doesnt understand is that most girls drink- even the ones she thought would not.
i love my parents and i dont want to upset them.. and i dont know how to convince them that it'll be ok..
man i hate being a daughter of tamil parents- it would be so much easier being a guy cos then none of this cultural stuff affects you. being a girl means you get judged for moving out for uni, get judged for how you dress, get judged for the way you are, get judged for a lot of things. not that this doesnt apply to tamil guys as well, but i feel like it's a thousand times more scrutinised when it comes to tamil girls
what uni is it and plus just prove to them you can be independent for the next couple months.Don't do stupid stuff at uni
(edited 4 years ago)
Hello anonymous#1,
Firstly, I would really like to thank you for writing this. This is just so so well written and you explain your struggles so very eloquently whilst communicating how frustrating this is and how much effort you are putting into this relationship with Amma and appa. I'd really like to congratulate you for how patient you've been so far and how much work you've already put into your relationship with you parents so far.
Your maturity, writing skills and independence shines through your writing. You've mentioned that you don't know how to talk to people, but if you are able to articulate yourself so well through writing, your speaking skills won't lag behind for long - particularly after you move out to uni and immerse yourself fully in English. That is, if they aren't already amazing... By thinking about things so deeply it's clear that you are so very independent and able to deal with situations so well so far on your own. I'm so sorry that you've dealt with these difficulties at such a young age and it's really impressive that you have been dealing with them so maturely. It must be really difficult to imagine how any positivity can be gained from these experiences but please don't feel alone in going through this. This isn't uncommon within the Tamil community... if only there could be a network for tamil kids who need more space from their families. Your situation isn't ideal but is far from a disaster.
The downsides to your childhood is that you will need to take the time (years) and initiative to process what you have been through. You will also need to consider how it has shaped you so far. How it might shape your life in the future (i.e. your autonomy to choose a life that works best for you, instead of choosing one that works well for your parents but not very well for yourself.) Please consider this in many aspects. Perhaps writing about this on your computer might help.
You've not had the closeness and the support that a lot of other kids may have from parents and benefit from. You mention how you aren't able to talk to your parents about drinking and Appa and Amma may consider it 'not right' for their daughters to drink. I personally think it sucks that you are not allowed to drink, without the pros and cons of drinking being analysed logically. I found myself in a similar situation when I was 18, but moving away for a few years gave me some space. My parents also realised that they're unable to tell me what to do, because I'm old enough to move away and still support myself. I have a brave, strong, clever acca (older sister) who's story has many parallels to what you've shared with me... She too feared that they'd push her into decisions that would make her unhappy.
How does it make you feel to not be able to open up to your parents about this?
What do you think they are worried about? Why do they fear their daughter drinking?
Is it relating to fears of alcoholism? Or are they fears about the trajectories it might lead you down..? Perhaps it is to do with fears that they may have about the things that may have happened to young girls who may have drank alcohol in their 'Oor' (part) in Sri Lanka?
You've mentioned the slut shaming tendencies of some parents... There are HUGE differences between Tamil culture and the... lifestyles* in western countries such as Britain (*I'm not sure if I'd say there's such a thing as 'British culture' because it'd be so broad but the argument that "British culture is diversity of people it has/the characteristic awkwardness/the sports & foods that are most common in Britain" etc etc could certainly be made. I'm also not not sure how it would differ from 'English' culture, and I'd also like the raise the point about how Northerners often behave so very differently from Southerners and Londoners, and how people from Norwich are stereotyped to be inbred farmers and those from St Ives in Cornwall surf 24/7, those in Liverpool all do hard drugs and get drunk a lot etc etc. I'm going to stop myself from being carried away with these offensive and often untrue, yet amusing stereotypes... I'll go to these places and see what everyone is like in person!
Some people disagree with having more than a single romantic relationship in a lifetime - but it shouldn't be anyone's decision to make but your own. You also have the freedom to get away from anyone who might not respect your right to your own beliefs.Essentially, you could hint to amma and appa that if they aren't going to be accepting, then their piliyal (children) may choose to not open up to their parents and it will be difficult for amma and appa to have a close relationship with their kids. If the kids can't get more breathing space so they don’t feel slightly strangled, they will take themselves away from their parents (i.e. move away when going to uni and not return, or spend as little time with parents as possible). They may lose their children, which would of course be incredibly embarrassing for them.
This isn't ideal, and ideally you'd work on your relationship with your parents by showing them how much you appreciate them, having conversations with them, and discussing a lot of life's difficulties with them. There is nothing that can win a parent over more than knowing how much their kids love them. Even if it's difficult, tell them how much you love them. Ask them questions about them and find out as much as you can about them, in a non-judgemental manner, whilst you can! Your parents won't always be around and you will have the opportunity to move away from them when you finish school (provided you study or work), so make the most of these precious last few months where you will be living with them. That way, when you do move to uni, they will still realise how much you love them.
A lot of tamil parents have lost a lot (I'll talk about this later on) in leaving Sri Lanka and this is something we couldn't possibly understand fully - although it would help us to at least partially understand how they feel. The more we take the initiative to understand our parents and communicate our understanding to them, the better our relationship with them will be. My parents left for their safety after the July 1983 riots and issues between the LTTE, SL government and the IPKF (indian peace keeping forces, commonly known as India's people killing forces in Sri Lanka at the time (resources and info on this below). Some of my dad’s family were killed and appa might have been killed if he didn’t move abroad quickly on his own. My mother's brothers were accused of being pro-LTTE and drew attention from the Sri Lankan government. Many decades later, settled down with children, the parents are no longer so close with their family back in Sri Lanka. At the same time, they might struggle to fit in outside Sri Lanka, where they have such different pasts to their neighbours, colleagues at work, and parents of your school friends'. The average brit, even as an adult wouldn't understand the struggles of being persecuted ethnically, unless they experienced similar struggles (e.g. the Rwandan Hutu-Tutsi strugglehttps://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-26875506, the persecution of jews in Nazi Germany a year ago etc etc) but even then they would be unlikely to understand the unique facets of the friction between Sri Lankan Tamils and the Sinhalese.
I've tried to find unbiased books that try to link the different sides to the struggle, that can see the best of those involved and why they did the things they did, and stumbled upon 2 books:
1. Tamil Tigress - Niromi de Soyza
The book is very well written and even squeezes comedy into her account of her life as a female tamil tiger.
This details how a middle class 17 year old tamil private school girl willingly joins the LTTE (tamil tigers) but leaves a year later, realising her horrific mistake, to continue with her education abroad. She now lectures at University in Australia, living in an affluent neighbourhood, looking very healthy physically, but carrying the mental health scars of her time with the tigers and how she lost her best friend.
She has youtube videos of her discussing her experiences. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv6qetHPa582.
2. Island of Thousand Mirrors - Nayomi MunaweeraI'm only part way through this but I'll soon upload a description of this book, which has been reviewed many times on the internet. In short, it's a must read.
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/28/books/review/island-of-a-thousand-mirrors-by-nayomi-munaweera.html
Tamil diaspora podcasts I've found include:
3. Dash the Curry - conversations of the Tamil Diaspora
This show has some very well known Tamil guests appearing on it, including artist Yalini Raja, New York based Tamil actress and artist Freida Banks, musicians and artist YanchanMusic, Torronto based Tamil female rapper Navz-47 and many many more....
Podcasts range from topics such as Sexuality and the female orgasm, to When Masculinity harms Men (aka Toxic Masculinity) to the Origins of Bharatanatyam.
4. Banana Boys
This comedy podcast by 3 boys in their late-twenties discusses their tamil dancing, love lives, tamil aunties, and travelling with Tamils. It also guests Mathushaa of 'Dash the Curry fame' is an episode.
The boys really aren't afraid to be honest about their experiences, having already outgrown the wooden spoon beatings f and verbal abuse from their parents.
Going back to the Tamil parents:
What a lot of Tamils value most are their jobs, kids and community that they hang onto - making them nostalgic about their childhoods back in their homeland.
Therefore, a lot of tamil parents find it difficult letting go of their kids as the kids grow up, because they are a large part of what they have in England. For this reason, some parents often struggle not to objectify their family as their possessions, their valuable investments. She took 10 months to give birth to you and then subsequently fed you so therefore, they own you. You should be grateful for them bringing you up and therefore you owe them the rest of your life. Really?
Compare these parents who have lost so much, to your school classmates' parents, who might be better prepared to life abroad, or might come from a less different culture (i.e. French people moving to England).
"If I tell that to my parents they will just dismiss me"
This was similar to the reaction I got from my parents, and I also felt incredibly smothered, so I decided to move out. For me, moving out was a no-brainer because the situation had flared up really badly at home. My parents had previously been shamed for having 'unruly' pilayal and were therefore were very worried that they would be shamed and kicked out of the community if I wasn't 'proper'. My parents therefore disciplined me with the way they themselves were disciplined when they were younger - with violence. I can empathise with how they were struggling with working out how to bring up teenagers - especially in England where they had some people criticise them for being too uptight, and others criticise them for letting their children 'be an embarrassment'.
However, they really shouldn't have resorted to violence. Their actions taught me that they value the opinions of others more than their relationship with me. I therefore decided that I can't trust them enough to do what is best for me in the future.
I feared that they may once again choose to prioritise the opinions of strangers, and their reputation, above my well being. I had them warning me to 'either be proper or get lost' countless times recently. I'd been depressed for several months at this point, largely because of my relationship with my controlling parents, and how it negatively affected my social life, grades at school and both physical and mental health.I feared that they'd push me into decisions that I'd be unhappy with to the extent that I would become suicidal. One of the final straws that convinced me to move out was when the topic of marriage came up. I'd already had so many responsibilities I had been committed to, and I wasn't given a choice in whether I had to do them. I had already been asked to take care of my dad when he becomes older, pay his mortgages off, and take up hobbies that would improve my dad's name within the Tamil community. At this point, it didn't feel like my life belonged to me, but I was hoping that this would change once I turn 16 and more so once I turn 18. I'd spoken to a few friends who'd had their parents afford them more space once they'd turned 16. For me, when the topic of marriage came up, I felt submerged another few metres beneath the water, with me running out of air.
I didn't know how I was going to live without doing something that might permanently damage my relationship with them.
Due to how my parents tried to oppress me and prioritise strangers' opinions over my well being and future, I wasn't safe at home.
I moved out, studied hard, and through getting to uni and working once I got there, I was able to support myself. Meanwhile, I was incredibly patient and diplomatic in showing them that I still loved my parents - but just find living with them claustrophobic because of how they behave around me and treat me. I realise that they love me, but I will need them to understand that they need to change their ways around me in order to give me some breathing space. I've carried this across to them in letters, sent from afar. These letters remind them how I'm aware of how much they've been through and I realise how much it affects them on a daily basis. Letting them know that you appreciate this will build a connection that they will be less likely to break down.
However, it is important, that from this safe, faraway space of uni, where you will have you hobbies, routines and familiarity, you communicate how you feel in a positive, diplomatic, and honest manner, bit by bit. All the while, it's of course incredibly important that you work hard to maintain this safe haven for yourself.It may be incredibly important for the sake of your mental health.
Please do let me know how things progress. I will always be here to support you. There are also other organisations with events you may be able to go to, including:
Tamil Students Initiative (TSI)
Tamil Association of Professionals (TAP)
Tamil Academic Journal (TAJ)
Tamil Information Centre (TIC)
All of these are run by young people and have facebook pages and contacts. Please don't be afraid to reach out.
Alternatively DM me. I had several people get in touch when I left home and I would personally love to help, meet up etc etc if you need me.
This isn't uncommon in our culture, both in Sri Lanka, and abroad. Several of my cousins in Sri Lanka have moved out from home and rarely talk to their parents.
Good luck with things, and please DM me
Firstly, I would really like to thank you for writing this. This is just so so well written and you explain your struggles so very eloquently whilst communicating how frustrating this is and how much effort you are putting into this relationship with Amma and appa. I'd really like to congratulate you for how patient you've been so far and how much work you've already put into your relationship with you parents so far.
Your maturity, writing skills and independence shines through your writing. You've mentioned that you don't know how to talk to people, but if you are able to articulate yourself so well through writing, your speaking skills won't lag behind for long - particularly after you move out to uni and immerse yourself fully in English. That is, if they aren't already amazing... By thinking about things so deeply it's clear that you are so very independent and able to deal with situations so well so far on your own. I'm so sorry that you've dealt with these difficulties at such a young age and it's really impressive that you have been dealing with them so maturely. It must be really difficult to imagine how any positivity can be gained from these experiences but please don't feel alone in going through this. This isn't uncommon within the Tamil community... if only there could be a network for tamil kids who need more space from their families. Your situation isn't ideal but is far from a disaster.
The downsides to your childhood is that you will need to take the time (years) and initiative to process what you have been through. You will also need to consider how it has shaped you so far. How it might shape your life in the future (i.e. your autonomy to choose a life that works best for you, instead of choosing one that works well for your parents but not very well for yourself.) Please consider this in many aspects. Perhaps writing about this on your computer might help.
You've not had the closeness and the support that a lot of other kids may have from parents and benefit from. You mention how you aren't able to talk to your parents about drinking and Appa and Amma may consider it 'not right' for their daughters to drink. I personally think it sucks that you are not allowed to drink, without the pros and cons of drinking being analysed logically. I found myself in a similar situation when I was 18, but moving away for a few years gave me some space. My parents also realised that they're unable to tell me what to do, because I'm old enough to move away and still support myself. I have a brave, strong, clever acca (older sister) who's story has many parallels to what you've shared with me... She too feared that they'd push her into decisions that would make her unhappy.
How does it make you feel to not be able to open up to your parents about this?
What do you think they are worried about? Why do they fear their daughter drinking?
Is it relating to fears of alcoholism? Or are they fears about the trajectories it might lead you down..? Perhaps it is to do with fears that they may have about the things that may have happened to young girls who may have drank alcohol in their 'Oor' (part) in Sri Lanka?
You've mentioned the slut shaming tendencies of some parents... There are HUGE differences between Tamil culture and the... lifestyles* in western countries such as Britain (*I'm not sure if I'd say there's such a thing as 'British culture' because it'd be so broad but the argument that "British culture is diversity of people it has/the characteristic awkwardness/the sports & foods that are most common in Britain" etc etc could certainly be made. I'm also not not sure how it would differ from 'English' culture, and I'd also like the raise the point about how Northerners often behave so very differently from Southerners and Londoners, and how people from Norwich are stereotyped to be inbred farmers and those from St Ives in Cornwall surf 24/7, those in Liverpool all do hard drugs and get drunk a lot etc etc. I'm going to stop myself from being carried away with these offensive and often untrue, yet amusing stereotypes... I'll go to these places and see what everyone is like in person!
Some people disagree with having more than a single romantic relationship in a lifetime - but it shouldn't be anyone's decision to make but your own. You also have the freedom to get away from anyone who might not respect your right to your own beliefs.Essentially, you could hint to amma and appa that if they aren't going to be accepting, then their piliyal (children) may choose to not open up to their parents and it will be difficult for amma and appa to have a close relationship with their kids. If the kids can't get more breathing space so they don’t feel slightly strangled, they will take themselves away from their parents (i.e. move away when going to uni and not return, or spend as little time with parents as possible). They may lose their children, which would of course be incredibly embarrassing for them.
This isn't ideal, and ideally you'd work on your relationship with your parents by showing them how much you appreciate them, having conversations with them, and discussing a lot of life's difficulties with them. There is nothing that can win a parent over more than knowing how much their kids love them. Even if it's difficult, tell them how much you love them. Ask them questions about them and find out as much as you can about them, in a non-judgemental manner, whilst you can! Your parents won't always be around and you will have the opportunity to move away from them when you finish school (provided you study or work), so make the most of these precious last few months where you will be living with them. That way, when you do move to uni, they will still realise how much you love them.
A lot of tamil parents have lost a lot (I'll talk about this later on) in leaving Sri Lanka and this is something we couldn't possibly understand fully - although it would help us to at least partially understand how they feel. The more we take the initiative to understand our parents and communicate our understanding to them, the better our relationship with them will be. My parents left for their safety after the July 1983 riots and issues between the LTTE, SL government and the IPKF (indian peace keeping forces, commonly known as India's people killing forces in Sri Lanka at the time (resources and info on this below). Some of my dad’s family were killed and appa might have been killed if he didn’t move abroad quickly on his own. My mother's brothers were accused of being pro-LTTE and drew attention from the Sri Lankan government. Many decades later, settled down with children, the parents are no longer so close with their family back in Sri Lanka. At the same time, they might struggle to fit in outside Sri Lanka, where they have such different pasts to their neighbours, colleagues at work, and parents of your school friends'. The average brit, even as an adult wouldn't understand the struggles of being persecuted ethnically, unless they experienced similar struggles (e.g. the Rwandan Hutu-Tutsi strugglehttps://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-26875506, the persecution of jews in Nazi Germany a year ago etc etc) but even then they would be unlikely to understand the unique facets of the friction between Sri Lankan Tamils and the Sinhalese.
I've tried to find unbiased books that try to link the different sides to the struggle, that can see the best of those involved and why they did the things they did, and stumbled upon 2 books:
1. Tamil Tigress - Niromi de Soyza
The book is very well written and even squeezes comedy into her account of her life as a female tamil tiger.
This details how a middle class 17 year old tamil private school girl willingly joins the LTTE (tamil tigers) but leaves a year later, realising her horrific mistake, to continue with her education abroad. She now lectures at University in Australia, living in an affluent neighbourhood, looking very healthy physically, but carrying the mental health scars of her time with the tigers and how she lost her best friend.
She has youtube videos of her discussing her experiences. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv6qetHPa582.
2. Island of Thousand Mirrors - Nayomi MunaweeraI'm only part way through this but I'll soon upload a description of this book, which has been reviewed many times on the internet. In short, it's a must read.
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/28/books/review/island-of-a-thousand-mirrors-by-nayomi-munaweera.html
Tamil diaspora podcasts I've found include:
3. Dash the Curry - conversations of the Tamil Diaspora
This show has some very well known Tamil guests appearing on it, including artist Yalini Raja, New York based Tamil actress and artist Freida Banks, musicians and artist YanchanMusic, Torronto based Tamil female rapper Navz-47 and many many more....
Podcasts range from topics such as Sexuality and the female orgasm, to When Masculinity harms Men (aka Toxic Masculinity) to the Origins of Bharatanatyam.
4. Banana Boys
This comedy podcast by 3 boys in their late-twenties discusses their tamil dancing, love lives, tamil aunties, and travelling with Tamils. It also guests Mathushaa of 'Dash the Curry fame' is an episode.
The boys really aren't afraid to be honest about their experiences, having already outgrown the wooden spoon beatings f and verbal abuse from their parents.
Going back to the Tamil parents:
What a lot of Tamils value most are their jobs, kids and community that they hang onto - making them nostalgic about their childhoods back in their homeland.
Therefore, a lot of tamil parents find it difficult letting go of their kids as the kids grow up, because they are a large part of what they have in England. For this reason, some parents often struggle not to objectify their family as their possessions, their valuable investments. She took 10 months to give birth to you and then subsequently fed you so therefore, they own you. You should be grateful for them bringing you up and therefore you owe them the rest of your life. Really?
Compare these parents who have lost so much, to your school classmates' parents, who might be better prepared to life abroad, or might come from a less different culture (i.e. French people moving to England).
"If I tell that to my parents they will just dismiss me"
This was similar to the reaction I got from my parents, and I also felt incredibly smothered, so I decided to move out. For me, moving out was a no-brainer because the situation had flared up really badly at home. My parents had previously been shamed for having 'unruly' pilayal and were therefore were very worried that they would be shamed and kicked out of the community if I wasn't 'proper'. My parents therefore disciplined me with the way they themselves were disciplined when they were younger - with violence. I can empathise with how they were struggling with working out how to bring up teenagers - especially in England where they had some people criticise them for being too uptight, and others criticise them for letting their children 'be an embarrassment'.
However, they really shouldn't have resorted to violence. Their actions taught me that they value the opinions of others more than their relationship with me. I therefore decided that I can't trust them enough to do what is best for me in the future.
I feared that they may once again choose to prioritise the opinions of strangers, and their reputation, above my well being. I had them warning me to 'either be proper or get lost' countless times recently. I'd been depressed for several months at this point, largely because of my relationship with my controlling parents, and how it negatively affected my social life, grades at school and both physical and mental health.I feared that they'd push me into decisions that I'd be unhappy with to the extent that I would become suicidal. One of the final straws that convinced me to move out was when the topic of marriage came up. I'd already had so many responsibilities I had been committed to, and I wasn't given a choice in whether I had to do them. I had already been asked to take care of my dad when he becomes older, pay his mortgages off, and take up hobbies that would improve my dad's name within the Tamil community. At this point, it didn't feel like my life belonged to me, but I was hoping that this would change once I turn 16 and more so once I turn 18. I'd spoken to a few friends who'd had their parents afford them more space once they'd turned 16. For me, when the topic of marriage came up, I felt submerged another few metres beneath the water, with me running out of air.
I didn't know how I was going to live without doing something that might permanently damage my relationship with them.
Due to how my parents tried to oppress me and prioritise strangers' opinions over my well being and future, I wasn't safe at home.
I moved out, studied hard, and through getting to uni and working once I got there, I was able to support myself. Meanwhile, I was incredibly patient and diplomatic in showing them that I still loved my parents - but just find living with them claustrophobic because of how they behave around me and treat me. I realise that they love me, but I will need them to understand that they need to change their ways around me in order to give me some breathing space. I've carried this across to them in letters, sent from afar. These letters remind them how I'm aware of how much they've been through and I realise how much it affects them on a daily basis. Letting them know that you appreciate this will build a connection that they will be less likely to break down.
However, it is important, that from this safe, faraway space of uni, where you will have you hobbies, routines and familiarity, you communicate how you feel in a positive, diplomatic, and honest manner, bit by bit. All the while, it's of course incredibly important that you work hard to maintain this safe haven for yourself.It may be incredibly important for the sake of your mental health.
Please do let me know how things progress. I will always be here to support you. There are also other organisations with events you may be able to go to, including:
Tamil Students Initiative (TSI)
Tamil Association of Professionals (TAP)
Tamil Academic Journal (TAJ)
Tamil Information Centre (TIC)
All of these are run by young people and have facebook pages and contacts. Please don't be afraid to reach out.
Alternatively DM me. I had several people get in touch when I left home and I would personally love to help, meet up etc etc if you need me.
This isn't uncommon in our culture, both in Sri Lanka, and abroad. Several of my cousins in Sri Lanka have moved out from home and rarely talk to their parents.
Good luck with things, and please DM me
(edited 2 years ago)
Can we be friends xx...
I am tamil guy as well. can we be friends...
Original post by Anonymous
sri lankan tamils are similar to indian tamils, so you're not far off.. i really do think leaving london will benefit me so much because i've come to realise i dont know how to do anything by myself because my parents constantly baby me. I didn't notice this until a few months ago. I'm sick and tired of living this way and i really need this change. ofc if i tell that to my parents they will just dismiss me, because as usually, they're the ones that are always 'right' and im wrong. Just this morning my mum asked me how far my uni is from my house (its about an hour in little traffic) and said she's considering dropping me and picking me up every day. it infuriated me to say the least, but i just said yeah i'll consider that. i've been picked up and dropped for my entire school career, until sixth form, and i hated it. I was grateful, but to me their 24/7 presence was just overwhelming. for 7 years, it was just home-school-home, and i wasnt even allowed out until i was 16, meaning i lost a lot of friends from primary as they wouldnt allow me to go to their house etc. i KNOW if i get picked up etc for uni as well, i'll lose it. im already quite shy as it is, and it would just make it more difficult to make friends. i'd just spend my time at home, being depressed as i have been for 5 years.
I dont even have many tamil friends, as my parents babied me so much and always made me sit next to them and not act 'immature' during big family events. i dont know how to communicate with people, although i've been learning for the past year or so. hell, i couldnt even speak to guys since i was so scared until i started year 13.
im so sorry to pile this all up on you but i just need to vent somewhere before i do something i may regret.S
I dont even have many tamil friends, as my parents babied me so much and always made me sit next to them and not act 'immature' during big family events. i dont know how to communicate with people, although i've been learning for the past year or so. hell, i couldnt even speak to guys since i was so scared until i started year 13.
im so sorry to pile this all up on you but i just need to vent somewhere before i do something i may regret.S
Original post by Anonymous
So my parents (sri lankan tamils) were always against the idea of me moving out, so when i applied on ucas, i put 3 unis in london and then two out of london. Due to some circumstances, i would not be able to go to the uni i wanted to in london (as i dont think i'll get the requirements and depression), but i have an unconditional (thank god) to one outside of london which is quite good, and not too far.
They seemed to have gotten along with the idea, until today when my mum says she doesnt want me to move out, because she's scared that men (like professors and male students) could do something to me.. and this came along because her friend was telling her about that as well as the news articles she's been reading. It's only this year she found out that a majority of my friends and other girls drink, so i guess she's worried i'll be influenced (i dont drink). she also said my dad doesnt want me to move, because all of his co-worker's daughter's go to unis in london, and he feels ashamed ?? that i wont be. I guess that means i'm not 'proper'-codeword for a rebel and whore. I told my mum that im not stupid and i'll always be on the lookout for danger (i usually am anyways), plus i have two of my friends coming w me to the same uni. however one of those friends (also tamil) drink, so she really doesnt want me to hang around her. what she doesnt understand is that most girls drink- even the ones she thought would not.
i love my parents and i dont want to upset them.. and i dont know how to convince them that it'll be ok..
man i hate being a daughter of tamil parents- it would be so much easier being a guy cos then none of this cultural stuff affects you. being a girl means you get judged for moving out for uni, get judged for how you dress, get judged for the way you are, get judged for a lot of things. not that this doesnt apply to tamil guys as well, but i feel like it's a thousand times more scrutinised when it comes to tamil girls
They seemed to have gotten along with the idea, until today when my mum says she doesnt want me to move out, because she's scared that men (like professors and male students) could do something to me.. and this came along because her friend was telling her about that as well as the news articles she's been reading. It's only this year she found out that a majority of my friends and other girls drink, so i guess she's worried i'll be influenced (i dont drink). she also said my dad doesnt want me to move, because all of his co-worker's daughter's go to unis in london, and he feels ashamed ?? that i wont be. I guess that means i'm not 'proper'-codeword for a rebel and whore. I told my mum that im not stupid and i'll always be on the lookout for danger (i usually am anyways), plus i have two of my friends coming w me to the same uni. however one of those friends (also tamil) drink, so she really doesnt want me to hang around her. what she doesnt understand is that most girls drink- even the ones she thought would not.
i love my parents and i dont want to upset them.. and i dont know how to convince them that it'll be ok..
man i hate being a daughter of tamil parents- it would be so much easier being a guy cos then none of this cultural stuff affects you. being a girl means you get judged for moving out for uni, get judged for how you dress, get judged for the way you are, get judged for a lot of things. not that this doesnt apply to tamil guys as well, but i feel like it's a thousand times more scrutinised when it comes to tamil girls
Sorry to hear about your story. Though it's a year old, it's still vividly co-relatable to our current Tamil society. Even though I'll be leaving Chennai to do my masters in UK this fall, my relatives have still bared my cousins from taking admissions abroad. One of the worst case was when one of my cousin, a medical aspirant, got into Johns Hopkins, but still her parents didn't accept her to leave. When she was getting ready to beat all odds and fly out, they cut her off financially.
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