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Help with story

https://ibb.co/gJJnJqp : the task is to write a story with a twisted tale... this is where I have got so far I am struggling to not include so much dialogue how do I go about saying their conversations without typing every word out? Also when he gets home drops the bean a vortex will open a d then him and his mum end up in a magical land where they have every rich etc but how can i end it? Or any other suggestions please? I am stuck @help

Reply 1

Squigman

Are any English teachers able to help at all please.?

Reply 2

CelqOne

“Stories are not about facts, they are about feelings!”
I’m not even native in English but as far as I can tell,
You need to write more about the feelings of character perhaps. You touched some here and there, but you can replace dialogues with sentences like “after a few more frustrating exchange with his mother, Andrew stomp the floor across the kitchen and out to the field. He just couldn’t believe it has come to this low point. Just how much worse can this get? He looks at Daisy with stern eyes, knowing that this is the last thing they have. It’s the last thing they have to survive. “something along those lines. You need to describe details that project feelings basically. I’m no writer so if I sound stupid then ignore me lmao

Reply 3

Squigman

No that's very helpful thankyou very much! I need an ending to it though my mind is blank!

Reply 4

Foreverneek

The dialogue is fine as long as it is balanced by detailed description. I don't feel as if there is too much in this narrative. You could, however, remove the 'no, no, no' at the start and simply describe Andrew opening the fridge. Use imagery to bulk out your ideas. I've written a paragraph based on your ideas.

Hyper-aware of his empty, cavernous stomach which moaned in hunger, Andrew walked purposefully toward the refrigerator, his step quickening and his heart pounding with every metre traversed. As hunger rolled and twisted in his stomach, as its grumbles echoed in his veins, as the need for food made his tongue pulse and his eyes water, Andrew felt as if he was on an impossible quest - the refrigerator was so close and yet so far. With a desperate lunge, Andrew grasped the handle of the fridge, yanking it open with such force that the refrigerator door flew back on its hinges. As Andrew rifled through the bowels of the refrigerator, his palms began to sweat as he haphazardly swept festering crumbs on to the floor in a distressed attempt to locate something edible - his dreams of something appetising had long disintegrated. Andrew shut the refrigerator door before opening it again, as if the refrigerator was a magic chest and food would suddenly manifest out of the abyss. Andrew was out of luck. The expenditure of energy in searching for food exacerbated Andrew's fatigue which weighed upon his shoulders like concrete. Tired and hungry, the only thing he could do was hope against all the odds that his mother had some answers. In a low feeble voice, Andrew asked, 'Mum, where's the food? Where's the milk? Where's tea?'

I think there is room to improve on your SPaG - at points, your sentences are too long (e.g. 'as they walked and walked the figure of a man ...') and you often use a comma instead of more appropriate punctuation, like a full stop or a semi-colon (comma splicing).

Reply 5

Squigman

Wow that's amazing vocab! Half of those words I wouldn't even know what they mean! 😂 I am really needing an idea for the ending though, the plot twist is they go through the vortex not a beanstalk but then what?? Also what is wrong with No no no as a start?

Reply 6

Foreverneek

Original post by Strach2k

Nothing is wrong with 'no, no, no' but I thought you wanted to minimise the dialogue and the opening dialogue seemed to be less important to the depiction of the relationship between the narrator and his mother / the man.

For the dialogue with the man, consider gestures - much can be conveyed through actions as opposed to words. Perhaps the man could walk by the cow, ignoring the boy, before backtracking to appraise the cow, his eyes widening with interest at its breed. He could then offer, 'Three beans for the cow? Not just any beans, mind you, magical beans which will solve all of your problems'. Rather than dialogue, Andrew could greedily grab the beans from the man's hands before throwing the rope and running back home to test them out. In this way, there is only one piece of dialogue in this interaction.

For an ending, you could have Andrew plant the beans in the barren garden. Vigilant, he waits for the beans to grow, staring at the ground with hope and desperation. However, his fatigue and hunger are so great that he inevitably falls asleep. When he awakes, the air above the soil is distorted and the night time / early morning fog is swallowed / disappears near the location of the beans. You could end the narrative with Andrew tentatively putting his hand through the portal where he grabs an apple from a fertile orchard. He could be uncertain whether it is real or a hunger-induced hallucination.

Reply 7

Squigman

But what's the moral of the twisted tale.... That's what I'm struggling with

Reply 8

Foreverneek

Original post by Strach2k

But what's the moral of the twisted tale.... That's what I'm struggling with

I was unaware there had to be a moral.

He could put his hand through the portal, only to find nothing? There could then be a moral about making well-informed decisions and not trusting strangers? Or a moral about appreciating what he has (Daisy) rather than what he could, hypothetically have (everything).