My mom has a controlling boyfriend and I hate him
My mom has been dating this man for a year, they have dated before I was born at the age of 16 and I can't stick him, my dad moved out in March 2020 because my mom was constantly going to his and saying to my dad that she was going to a family relatives house. Ever since than he has been round my house everyday even in lockdown, she makes the excuse he supports her with my nan who has cancer. He sits on his ass all day and does nothing for my mom. If she is late to pick him up in the morning as they don't live together, he calls her demanding that she gets to his as soon as possible, he has to go everywhere with her like shopping and trips to the bank.
In the last month or so I have turned 18, I have got my trust fund and decided I would treat myself to a puppy from my neighbours who is a pug breeder, my mom agreed I was a sensible age to get one, when he comes in the room she has to ask his permission if I can have one. He gives me my mom the stare and says no she has to wait to get one cheaper. I shout saying I'm 18, I can do what I want with my trust fund, you are not my dad. He glares at my mom saying are you going to let her treat me like that? She looked down and didn't say a word, today I hand my Deposit to secure the puppy, he has to come with us and says on the walk up there, you have to take her to the vets, I said no let her settle in first and he goes no you are doing what I say if you like it or not.
A couple of months ago, he said to my nan she can't feed the stray cats outside, she has a go saying I pay for the cat food I will do what I want, now he won't speak to her unless she starts a conversation first.
What I'm trying to ask is how do I make my mom see sense? I mean for God sake, he makes her buy his family presents, makes her do his washing at mine even though he has a flat of his own, she is constantly lashing out at my nan and me when he is here and not to mention, he controls her phone and she is constantly making excuses for him saying "he is too poor for a phone and a TV"
In the last month or so I have turned 18, I have got my trust fund and decided I would treat myself to a puppy from my neighbours who is a pug breeder, my mom agreed I was a sensible age to get one, when he comes in the room she has to ask his permission if I can have one. He gives me my mom the stare and says no she has to wait to get one cheaper. I shout saying I'm 18, I can do what I want with my trust fund, you are not my dad. He glares at my mom saying are you going to let her treat me like that? She looked down and didn't say a word, today I hand my Deposit to secure the puppy, he has to come with us and says on the walk up there, you have to take her to the vets, I said no let her settle in first and he goes no you are doing what I say if you like it or not.
A couple of months ago, he said to my nan she can't feed the stray cats outside, she has a go saying I pay for the cat food I will do what I want, now he won't speak to her unless she starts a conversation first.
What I'm trying to ask is how do I make my mom see sense? I mean for God sake, he makes her buy his family presents, makes her do his washing at mine even though he has a flat of his own, she is constantly lashing out at my nan and me when he is here and not to mention, he controls her phone and she is constantly making excuses for him saying "he is too poor for a phone and a TV"
Reading that, I hate him to.
Don't do what he demands of you. Like you say, he has no right to boss you around- you are an adult and he isn't your Dad.
Neither does he have the right to tell your Nan what she may and may not do in her own house.
Is he making your Mum miserable? It sounds like he might be. If that is the case, keep an eye out for signs of abuse. Take a strictly zero tolerance approach.
It may be worth making recordings of his control behaviour.
Don't do what he demands of you. Like you say, he has no right to boss you around- you are an adult and he isn't your Dad.
Neither does he have the right to tell your Nan what she may and may not do in her own house.
Is he making your Mum miserable? It sounds like he might be. If that is the case, keep an eye out for signs of abuse. Take a strictly zero tolerance approach.
It may be worth making recordings of his control behaviour.
(edited 3 years ago)
See instead of shouting at him like a trust fund brat I'd have went right for 'You don't live here and we're not related? You haven't got a say in this or other decisions in this home.'
Original post by ForeverDarkness
My mom has been dating this man for a year, they have dated before I was born at the age of 16 and I can't stick him, my dad moved out in March 2020 because my mom was constantly going to his and saying to my dad that she was going to a family relatives house. Ever since than he has been round my house everyday even in lockdown, she makes the excuse he supports her with my nan who has cancer. He sits on his ass all day and does nothing for my mom. If she is late to pick him up in the morning as they don't live together, he calls her demanding that she gets to his as soon as possible, he has to go everywhere with her like shopping and trips to the bank.
In the last month or so I have turned 18, I have got my trust fund and decided I would treat myself to a puppy from my neighbours who is a pug breeder, my mom agreed I was a sensible age to get one, when he comes in the room she has to ask his permission if I can have one. He gives me my mom the stare and says no she has to wait to get one cheaper. I shout saying I'm 18, I can do what I want with my trust fund, you are not my dad. He glares at my mom saying are you going to let her treat me like that? She looked down and didn't say a word, today I hand my Deposit to secure the puppy, he has to come with us and says on the walk up there, you have to take her to the vets, I said no let her settle in first and he goes no you are doing what I say if you like it or not.
A couple of months ago, he said to my nan she can't feed the stray cats outside, she has a go saying I pay for the cat food I will do what I want, now he won't speak to her unless she starts a conversation first.
What I'm trying to ask is how do I make my mom see sense? I mean for God sake, he makes her buy his family presents, makes her do his washing at mine even though he has a flat of his own, she is constantly lashing out at my nan and me when he is here and not to mention, he controls her phone and she is constantly making excuses for him saying "he is too poor for a phone and a TV"
In the last month or so I have turned 18, I have got my trust fund and decided I would treat myself to a puppy from my neighbours who is a pug breeder, my mom agreed I was a sensible age to get one, when he comes in the room she has to ask his permission if I can have one. He gives me my mom the stare and says no she has to wait to get one cheaper. I shout saying I'm 18, I can do what I want with my trust fund, you are not my dad. He glares at my mom saying are you going to let her treat me like that? She looked down and didn't say a word, today I hand my Deposit to secure the puppy, he has to come with us and says on the walk up there, you have to take her to the vets, I said no let her settle in first and he goes no you are doing what I say if you like it or not.
A couple of months ago, he said to my nan she can't feed the stray cats outside, she has a go saying I pay for the cat food I will do what I want, now he won't speak to her unless she starts a conversation first.
What I'm trying to ask is how do I make my mom see sense? I mean for God sake, he makes her buy his family presents, makes her do his washing at mine even though he has a flat of his own, she is constantly lashing out at my nan and me when he is here and not to mention, he controls her phone and she is constantly making excuses for him saying "he is too poor for a phone and a TV"
ahh i've imagined this situation my whole life and personally I'd say confront him and be strong stand your ground and make him lnow that your in control not him and if you have to try to drive him away force him to leave cuz if your mom cant see it and u cant show her it doesn't leave you an option.
or you could talk to ur dad for help
or your nan technically ur mom is her daughter so if she takes a bit of control over your mom like any moms would do in certain situation she can force her to break up with him
try to split them up just stand up for urself and be rude to him and tell ur mum to dump him
When you say ‘my house’ do you mean that this is your house that you own, or is it your mums house (still your home)? I was just going to say, that if they are like this when round your house then you don’t have to even let them round and put up with this crap. If it’s your mums house and you live there then you don’t have the same level of authority, but it’s still your home and you should not put up with this nonsense and neither should your nan.
This man sounds an awful lot similar to my own father figure when I grew up. He was very confrontational so I started to change my behaviour to get along with him better. Even though I still disapprove of his lazy lifestyle and the disrespectful way he speaks to others, I just kept my mouth shut because he won’t change. But what did change is that our relationship got better as a result of me diffusing his confrontational ways with passiveness and agreeableness.
Anyway, the point I’m making is to take control of the situation by changing the way you act towards him to de-escalate the situation in order to encourage him to change his behaviour toward you. He sounds unreasonable and would most likely be unwilling to change by simply arguing or escalating the situation.
Some of the replies here are a bit concerning. Encouraging your mother to break up and using you Nan to facilitate this might escalate things further and is also very manipulative. Absolutely talk to your mother about how this man makes you feel and the impact this has on your well being, as well as talk to your father about how you feel as well because they are both there to support you.
If things get unbearable, could you ask your dad to let you stay with him? It can sometimes be better to remove yourself from the situation if it doesn’t change. Also, this will mean that you will be in a stronger position to support your mother and your Nan when they might need you for support.
You deserve to be respected as an adult and your mother and Nan also deserve respect from this man. Always remember to stand up for yourself and never tolerate abuse in any way, shape or form.
This man sounds an awful lot similar to my own father figure when I grew up. He was very confrontational so I started to change my behaviour to get along with him better. Even though I still disapprove of his lazy lifestyle and the disrespectful way he speaks to others, I just kept my mouth shut because he won’t change. But what did change is that our relationship got better as a result of me diffusing his confrontational ways with passiveness and agreeableness.
Anyway, the point I’m making is to take control of the situation by changing the way you act towards him to de-escalate the situation in order to encourage him to change his behaviour toward you. He sounds unreasonable and would most likely be unwilling to change by simply arguing or escalating the situation.
Some of the replies here are a bit concerning. Encouraging your mother to break up and using you Nan to facilitate this might escalate things further and is also very manipulative. Absolutely talk to your mother about how this man makes you feel and the impact this has on your well being, as well as talk to your father about how you feel as well because they are both there to support you.
If things get unbearable, could you ask your dad to let you stay with him? It can sometimes be better to remove yourself from the situation if it doesn’t change. Also, this will mean that you will be in a stronger position to support your mother and your Nan when they might need you for support.
You deserve to be respected as an adult and your mother and Nan also deserve respect from this man. Always remember to stand up for yourself and never tolerate abuse in any way, shape or form.
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