Am i being groomed..?

this guy… is my moms ex boyfriend. he is 34 yrs old. i am 17 yrs old. I texted him and i told him how i felt and he told me how he felt. He says he loves me a lot, we say i love you, he wants to have kids with me, he only hugs me until im 18, he knows it’s illegal, and i got out before bc my mom found out and threw me out, but he still cares for me and wants me to move and stay and marry and make a family with him… i need help. -Anonymous

Hi,

I am currently f19. When I was 17 I embarked on a relationship with a guy who was 34, we were together for over a year. It started off as love, talking of having kids of all sorts, I went crazy in love. I am not going to lie I am a bit dululu & don't exactly have the best relationships with my parents & I am sure there are a lot of people, especially females who are in my position, nevertheless, I am incredibly smart & mature. It's sometimes hard to think practically especially when there are emotions involved, now I don't know how self-aware you are of the moral wrong in this potential relation, I knew it was wrong but I self-sabotage, sometimes self-awareness won't save you. He was good, the whole I love you & care about you & am committed and loyal, I was so blinded, words are easy to say. First, let me give you some perspective, on the likelihood of him choosing you for your youth & beauty, I know this was the case for me, at some point, you will age and become your mother's age, and in your mind, you'll be married to him, kids ect ect, when your daughter reaches 17 & he gets too close to her friends & seeks something further, it's not like its not something he's done before right? Secondly, he's got 15 years of life on you, know I don't mind an age gap it just all depends on what the person has been doing in the years. Think of it like this you are wiser than you were a year ago, you grow through experience & time. He's had 15 years, within to find a wife & children with some his own age the question is why didn't it work? & why is he choosing me? what has he been doing in this time? I doubt you've had much experience with serious adult relationships, which makes you a perfect blank canvas, he will teach you & you will submit you don't know any better. Unfortunately given the choices he's made up to date he's likely to manipulate you & perfect you to tolerate his level of abuse. Even better he's aware things are not good with your family, so then no one to say that's not right. You will destroy yourself & it will be extremely hard to leave, btw I couldn't leave my previous partner until we had police intervention & he had bail conditions for controlling behaviour not so much violence.

Now I don't know anything about you or whether you'll find this helpful. But you deserve so much more not just from your love life but from your parents. Your mother should have never kicked you out of the house, men shouldn't come before children, but it happens. Even if you did this behind her back or whatever excuse I know you didn't just wake up & start feeling a certain way, whether it was a traumatic childhood or him breaking boundaries as your mum's boyfriend. Find love for yourself, protect yourself & find peace with whatever demons come your way. Find people who value you for you no strings attached. Find a career prospect & become the unbelievable. I've not figured out all of this myself but it's a journey, sometimes we have to have regrets to learn. You are precious, beautiful, and loved and I believe you have more to offer than being a housewife for some 30+ men at 17 years of age.

I would say move on as there are so many issues here

1 Age gap he is double your age
2 You are only 17 this is young for having kids go out have fun
3 He is your Mum's ex which depending on length of relationship etc could mean he is like a stepfather
4 The whole wanting to have kids thing sounds more like a control thing than a love thing.

More importantly, where are you living and how are you supporting yourself if you're not living at home?

He's your mum's ex for a reason, so why did they break up?

You opened the lines of communication to him; why?

How would you support a partner and family in the future?

Concentrate on living your own life; get some stability back, get an education, get a career.

this guy… is my moms ex boyfriend. he is 34 yrs old. i am 17 yrs old. I texted him and i told him how i felt and he told me how he felt. He says he loves me a lot, we say i love you, he wants to have kids with me, he only hugs me until im 18, he knows it’s illegal, and i got out before bc my mom found out and threw me out, but he still cares for me and wants me to move and stay and marry and make a family with him… i need help. -Anonymous

My mom gave me a house to myself and a car. They broke up bc they argued to much. Bc I felt something towards him. My mom says it’s bc I had no dad growing up. He says he will support it all. I’m in a talking stage w my guy bsf and I love him a lot… but I don’t know how to fix this other situation with the 34 yr old..