Did I make the wrong choice? Should I be feeling this guilty?
Extremely sorry for the long post..
Back in 2018, a new girl joined my workplace and I had a friendly colleague like relation with her. She would often come to me for help with office related stuff as I was experienced. Over time I grew a crush on her but I let it remain as is with no intention of taking it forward as I thought she was bound to be in a relationship already.
At the beginning of 2019, she added me on Facebook and would occasionally send me messages and we would chat about work stuff and current affairs etc. Then around June she got into an accident and required 19 stitches in her arm. I got very upset and agitated over it and started to take daily updates and giving her suggestions. She started responding and contacting on her own. I soon realized that I had fallen in love with her. We started having long and deep conversations (but mostly text) at this point. Two months later, feeling that her responses were positive, I told her that I had feelings for her, but she replied that she didn't think it as such and going down this path would only hurt me, but we could be really good friends. She told me that she was not in a relationship but she had her issues and darkness, therefore I should stray away from this.
I continued maintaining the friendship, but soon we started talking over the phone, and we used to talk for hours, but always she would be the initiator of these conversations. For some reason, after my confession, she became very demanding of my time and attention, and soon I found myself being an emotional support for her, and she became fully dependent on me for this support. She was being secretive about some parts of her life, but I maintained the conversions and egged deeper to figure out what her issues were and why it was not okay to give me a straight yes/no answer.
In the end, she confessed that she had been in relationship with A which broke off badly and before moving on fully went into relationship with B. Relationship with B became strained for some reason and she somehow started going on dates with C for a time. Later she figured out her mistake and moved away from C, but couldn't come clear with B and neither get off the relationship with B.
by December 2019, I figured that she had started developing feelings for me while in a complex relationship with B. I decided to butt out of the situation, andput some distance between me and her. The situation was totally unfair for B. I started putting distance while maintaining the friendship, is was very difficult as she would continuously try to maintain the communication. I also started to move on from her. Moreover, due to my love for her, I just couldn't be cold.
In 2020, office moved online and it aided in creating distance, but not enough. I kept trying to cut off communication, in the end, started ignoring her from around August 2020. She would keep trying to communicate with me and kept asking me for time to sort her mess. I didn't give in, to it. I minimized communication and responded to some texts only occasionally. in December 2020, she informed me that she had broken up with her boyfriend and came clean with him. I didn't give in and continued to ignore her calls and demands for attention. I kept having a hellish, nightmare of a time trying to move on from the love that had developed.
In early 2021, I was successful in moving on from her and was able to consider her just a friend. I could now take interest in other possible dates and maybe something serious. Then around June 2021, I wished her birthday and she texted that its her birthday and requested me to pick her phone. I did, and she started crying over my coldness and distant behavior. She demanded to meet me once outside office. I kept that request, and during that meeting she told me that she had feelings for me and asked me if I wanted to consider. I told her that it was too late and asked her to move on.
She kept on trying to convince me to accept her, but I didn't budge and told her to move on repeatedly. Last night (its 2022 now) she called, and told me directly that for her I was the love of her life, she loves me for all my good qualities and all my flaws. She was ready to go all the way, introduce me to her family and discuss marriage, everything.
I told her that it was too late, I had a hell of a time to move on from her, it was a nightmare to suppress my love while maintaining a friend zoned relationship. I told her that I am honored, and I respect her confession, but I wouldn't be able to reciprocate now. I can't just undo the process of killing the feelings I had. She cried, threw some pretty harsh words at me, at told me that I am not going to find someone who loves me more than her and hung up..
Ever since I turned her down, I am feeling pretty down, and feel absolutely **** and guilty for crushing her feelings.
I just want to know what you guys with the 3rd eye perspective think? Did I make the right call? Should I be feeling this much guilt?
I really appreciate you for taking the time to read this essay and help me out.
Back in 2018, a new girl joined my workplace and I had a friendly colleague like relation with her. She would often come to me for help with office related stuff as I was experienced. Over time I grew a crush on her but I let it remain as is with no intention of taking it forward as I thought she was bound to be in a relationship already.
At the beginning of 2019, she added me on Facebook and would occasionally send me messages and we would chat about work stuff and current affairs etc. Then around June she got into an accident and required 19 stitches in her arm. I got very upset and agitated over it and started to take daily updates and giving her suggestions. She started responding and contacting on her own. I soon realized that I had fallen in love with her. We started having long and deep conversations (but mostly text) at this point. Two months later, feeling that her responses were positive, I told her that I had feelings for her, but she replied that she didn't think it as such and going down this path would only hurt me, but we could be really good friends. She told me that she was not in a relationship but she had her issues and darkness, therefore I should stray away from this.
I continued maintaining the friendship, but soon we started talking over the phone, and we used to talk for hours, but always she would be the initiator of these conversations. For some reason, after my confession, she became very demanding of my time and attention, and soon I found myself being an emotional support for her, and she became fully dependent on me for this support. She was being secretive about some parts of her life, but I maintained the conversions and egged deeper to figure out what her issues were and why it was not okay to give me a straight yes/no answer.
In the end, she confessed that she had been in relationship with A which broke off badly and before moving on fully went into relationship with B. Relationship with B became strained for some reason and she somehow started going on dates with C for a time. Later she figured out her mistake and moved away from C, but couldn't come clear with B and neither get off the relationship with B.
by December 2019, I figured that she had started developing feelings for me while in a complex relationship with B. I decided to butt out of the situation, andput some distance between me and her. The situation was totally unfair for B. I started putting distance while maintaining the friendship, is was very difficult as she would continuously try to maintain the communication. I also started to move on from her. Moreover, due to my love for her, I just couldn't be cold.
In 2020, office moved online and it aided in creating distance, but not enough. I kept trying to cut off communication, in the end, started ignoring her from around August 2020. She would keep trying to communicate with me and kept asking me for time to sort her mess. I didn't give in, to it. I minimized communication and responded to some texts only occasionally. in December 2020, she informed me that she had broken up with her boyfriend and came clean with him. I didn't give in and continued to ignore her calls and demands for attention. I kept having a hellish, nightmare of a time trying to move on from the love that had developed.
In early 2021, I was successful in moving on from her and was able to consider her just a friend. I could now take interest in other possible dates and maybe something serious. Then around June 2021, I wished her birthday and she texted that its her birthday and requested me to pick her phone. I did, and she started crying over my coldness and distant behavior. She demanded to meet me once outside office. I kept that request, and during that meeting she told me that she had feelings for me and asked me if I wanted to consider. I told her that it was too late and asked her to move on.
She kept on trying to convince me to accept her, but I didn't budge and told her to move on repeatedly. Last night (its 2022 now) she called, and told me directly that for her I was the love of her life, she loves me for all my good qualities and all my flaws. She was ready to go all the way, introduce me to her family and discuss marriage, everything.
I told her that it was too late, I had a hell of a time to move on from her, it was a nightmare to suppress my love while maintaining a friend zoned relationship. I told her that I am honored, and I respect her confession, but I wouldn't be able to reciprocate now. I can't just undo the process of killing the feelings I had. She cried, threw some pretty harsh words at me, at told me that I am not going to find someone who loves me more than her and hung up..
Ever since I turned her down, I am feeling pretty down, and feel absolutely **** and guilty for crushing her feelings.
I just want to know what you guys with the 3rd eye perspective think? Did I make the right call? Should I be feeling this much guilt?
I really appreciate you for taking the time to read this essay and help me out.
you entirely made the right call. Someone like her should learn how to respect people in different ways. I understand that she may haVe complications and problems in her life but it all should not revolve around her you are allowed to live and have your own separate life. I think you made the right call and try not to think about it as a negative choice on your part. dont feel bad try and remind yourself that it was for the better.
No.
I think that you made the right decision and shouldn't feel guilty.
This girl seems unable to handle rejection and understand that 'not interested' means just that.
She sounds like a problem dater with a history of dysfunctional relationships.
One who is in the habit of pestering guys, resorting to emotional blackmail, throwing around insults and having temper tantrums when she doesn't get the answer that she wants.
Best to cut all contact with her outside of work and only talk to her during work hours when essential to your working role & when other coworkers are present in the room.
Ensure that you keep copies of all messages of her pestering you for a relationship or to agree to meetings outside of the workplace.
There is a risk that she could try to punish you through malicious gossip or false accusations to harm your employment prospects.
Good luck!
I think that you made the right decision and shouldn't feel guilty.
This girl seems unable to handle rejection and understand that 'not interested' means just that.
She sounds like a problem dater with a history of dysfunctional relationships.
One who is in the habit of pestering guys, resorting to emotional blackmail, throwing around insults and having temper tantrums when she doesn't get the answer that she wants.
Best to cut all contact with her outside of work and only talk to her during work hours when essential to your working role & when other coworkers are present in the room.
Ensure that you keep copies of all messages of her pestering you for a relationship or to agree to meetings outside of the workplace.
There is a risk that she could try to punish you through malicious gossip or false accusations to harm your employment prospects.
Good luck!
Original post by therapyfriend
you entirely made the right call. Someone like her should learn how to respect people in different ways. I understand that she may haVe complications and problems in her life but it all should not revolve around her you are allowed to live and have your own separate life. I think you made the right call and try not to think about it as a negative choice on your part. dont feel bad try and remind yourself that it was for the better.
Thank you so much for your views. Helps me a lot.
Original post by londonmyst
No.
I think that you made the right decision and shouldn't feel guilty.
This girl seems unable to handle rejection and understand that 'not interested' means just that.
She sounds like a problem dater with a history of dysfunctional relationships.
One who is in the habit of pestering guys, resorting to emotional blackmail, throwing around insults and having temper tantrums when she doesn't get the answer that she wants.
Best to cut all contact with her outside of work and only talk to her during work hours when essential to your working role & when other coworkers are present in the room.
Ensure that you keep copies of all messages of her pestering you for a relationship or to agree to meetings outside of the workplace.
There is a risk that she could try to punish you through malicious gossip or false accusations to harm your employment prospects.
Good luck!
I think that you made the right decision and shouldn't feel guilty.
This girl seems unable to handle rejection and understand that 'not interested' means just that.
She sounds like a problem dater with a history of dysfunctional relationships.
One who is in the habit of pestering guys, resorting to emotional blackmail, throwing around insults and having temper tantrums when she doesn't get the answer that she wants.
Best to cut all contact with her outside of work and only talk to her during work hours when essential to your working role & when other coworkers are present in the room.
Ensure that you keep copies of all messages of her pestering you for a relationship or to agree to meetings outside of the workplace.
There is a risk that she could try to punish you through malicious gossip or false accusations to harm your employment prospects.
Good luck!
Thank you so much for your valuable insight.
Now that you mention it, it does seem like a series of dysfunctional relationships.
Thanks for your caution regarding work, I have shifted to a different role where I don't have to work with her and have different supervising managers. I also kept all the messages and the text communications saved.
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