Seeing her with another guy has broken my heart, do I deserve better?

I got out of a toxic relationship around a year and a half ago and have been missing my ex a lot lately, I've also seen her with another guy which hurt for me to see. I see her around as we live close to each other, we first together 5 years ago but I broke it off as I found out she was engaged to someone else.

During that time she got divorced and I stupidly took her back a few years later, she did admit to being in multiple relationships and talking to other guys since then. But I broke it off a year and a half ago We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.

Everytime we'd argue about it, she would always say that it's my fault that things are moving slow and that she doesn't like being with someone who can't commit. She would always say how she wants someone who loves her more than she loves themselves, that's not normal right?? And She always used to say that she wanted me to open up to her and tell her how I feel and that I can talk to her about anything if I'm ever upset.

So I did when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure). I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face!

I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything at the start which I thought was childish.

After we broke up she messaged me on Christmas day saying: 'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x' I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'.

I'm trying to not think about her messaging me, but I feel like I was really getting in to the healing process and was really focused on other aspects of my life such as my career. I know I deserve better but I see her quite often as we live near one another and I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her. We were quite sexually active together and i think thats whats making me miss her more. I do feel like I have enough anger for the way she treated me to be able to ignore her.

I do still feel angry over the situation, not sure if that's normal or not. I have my own auto detailing business which I run on the side of my career and on the weekend, I have a social media page for it and I have set it as a public profile because it is only for business content and I never put anything personal on it.

In the past when we'd argue, she'd always say that if we broke up it would be my loss. I sometimes feel sad as I'm alone and haven't dated anyone since her, I often see her around and feel as though I miss her but I know those feelings are only from loneliness so I have every intention of staying away from her.

I've tried keeping myself distracted by focusing on my career and business, she has tried messaging me a couple months back by sending some charity chain messages although they could be her way of breadcrumbing?

I always see her around as we live near one another, there were times where I used to try and get her attention because I missed her but now I just feel angry because I feel like I let her get away with a lot.

I saw her a few months ago and she saw me too and she messaged straight after saying 'hope your good', i don't understand why would she do that I keep seeing her around and I know deep down I know I shouldn't let her get away with treating me do badly, I miss her and sometimes feel stuck.

A couple of days ago I seen someone that looks like her with another guy but couldn't tell if it was actually her as it was from a distance, I don't know why I'm overthinking it but I think thats whats making me miss her more.

I miss her but I know she's not good for me, what do i do to actually realise that I deserve better and break the trauma bond?

Reply 1

Muttly

Just read your post out loud to yourself and realise you are being played. Played by someone who is cold, calculating and very manipulative. Someone who really doesn't care for you, only your money, your comfort when it is needed and whatever else she can scam off you.

Your words - "Deep down you know you 'should' let her go" You don't own her. Why are you being a 'hanger on?'
Your lack of resolve and determination to shut the door and bolt it is causing all the problems here. Ignore absolutely every communication from her and make yourself a life minus that input. You had someone who showed you a small amount of attention and you now feel that your whole life has to revolve around and stay with that person? How does that work?

You won't change her personality, so queue up and take your turn with the vast quantity of other people she is sharing and scamming? Is this really what you want in life, to share a life with no trust, continual second guessing. Look at all the people she is hurting right now. Which doormat do you want to be? If you choose to be a doormat you will still be a doormat in 10 or 20 years time, and still wasting your life.

The choices you make now will determine whether you have a happy life going forward or one full of misery, pain and regret.

Get out in the world. Explore and find out what you know about yourself, put yourself out there. It may take a while, but do not revisit old ground. You are being used at every level here and not in a good way. Try and set the bar for your sights with a girlfriend higher, and know that you can and will find that certain someone who is so right for you. Someone with whom you can have love, laughter and above all trust.

You have a choice to invest your time, and invest it wisely. Never go for second best or get involved with anyone who 'messes' you around. You are worth far more than that on every level.