Confession: I&#x27;m a serial cheater

OP

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Original post by Anonymous

In some weird way, I kind of understand you, but not to your degree... I think it has something to do with my upbringing, my parents did the same, I was so locked up and restricted as a teenager that my urge to rebel against someone displaced itself into a relationship, this isn't an excuse- it's a theory for why I do that.

I've left getting into relationships entirely, for now at least, for my own sake and the others persons sake. I don't get satisfaction from cheating, if I do then it's very short lived, and then it's a long period of hating myself. So for my own mental sanity I'm staying away from them. It can also be caused by the attachment type insecure-avoidant/anxious, which I'm told I have.

That's the strange thing. I was never restricted or "locked up" in that same sense. Some part of me finds some sick enjoyment out of starting drama, fights and generally being a prick. it's an odd feeling, one part of me hates it and wishes more than anything I could stop doing this but another part loves it. I don't really feel a sense of regret or anything, just a feeling akin to something like boredom. Again, I know it's wrong, I'm self-aware enough to recognise that but it's hard to let go of that feeling.

Reply 3

username5955039

0

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Once a cheat always a cheat

Reply 4

1582

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Original post by throwawayacc3741

I don't wanna be like this for my whole life. What can I do?

Stop dating. You're not in a place in your life where you are ready for an exclusive relationship, so don't offer it.

Reply 5

OP

Original post by Mohammed_80

Once a cheat always a cheat

Right, because a response like that is absolutely helpful and definitely does alleviate this issue I have.

What even was the point lad?

Reply 6

SagaciousSag

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Original post by 1582

Stop dating. You're not in a place in your life where you are ready for an exclusive relationship, so don't offer it.

Exactly this. Unless you want one of your exes to send out a PSA each time you enter a new relationship about the multiple times you've cheated in the past, I suggest you take a break from relationships now and do some inner work.

What exactly do you find appealing about cheating, drama and other people's pain? Have you had any adverse childhood experiences that may have caused this? Are there any other concerning behaviours that you have? Why didn't therapy and counselling help you stop?

Reply 7

EVRoosevelt

You say, "there's a part of me that finds some grim satisfaction of ruining someone that feels so strongly about me." That to me suggests (though I don't mean to speak rudely, or out of turn!) that it might be a control thing. Not in a bad way, but, did you lack control in your youth? Were your parents rather domineering? It could be the case that if you've become used to being controlled by others, and you're lashing out against that, and taking the opportunity to exercise some control when it comes to your relationships - in this case, by ruining them.

Reply 8

xox416

Original post by throwawayacc3741

That's the strange thing. I was never restricted or "locked up" in that same sense. Some part of me finds some sick enjoyment out of starting drama, fights and generally being a prick. it's an odd feeling, one part of me hates it and wishes more than anything I could stop doing this but another part loves it. I don't really feel a sense of regret or anything, just a feeling akin to something like boredom. Again, I know it's wrong, I'm self-aware enough to recognise that but it's

What's the longest period of time you been single?

Reply 9

OP

Original post by 1582

Stop dating. You're not in a place in your life where you are ready for an exclusive relationship, so don't offer it.

You're right but that's also part of the problem. I can't seem to stop myself and It's ******* me over. I get drunk and inevitably end up doing the same **** to some poor *******. Not that drunkenness is the cause, I was like this before I started drinking. I could shut myself off completely, as I feel that would be one surefire way to prevent it but then I'm just gonna be continuously miserable. It's a lose-lose situation.

Reply 10

username5955039

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21

Original post by throwawayacc3741

Right, because a response like that is absolutely helpful and definitely does alleviate this issue I have.

What even was the point lad?

The only way for you to avoid this is actually stop being in a relationship or dating.

(edited 1 year ago)

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Original post by throwawayacc3741

Right, because a response like that is absolutely helpful and definitely does alleviate this issue I have.

What even was the point lad?

I'm sorry to tell you, but they are right... once I stopped dating did those sickening feelings of what I had done left. Strange how you say you don't feel remorse though... not even a little bit? Maybe even a long time after you cheated? If this is your source of dopamine then it really shouldn't be, because you're hurting another party involved- I would suggest seeking therapy. For me, I think I turned out this way due to childhood trauma. I'm okay with not dating for now, it's been over a year at this point, and only recently have I been in a place of comfort. It also comforts me to know I'm not hurting anyone in the process.

Reply 12

xox416

Original post by Mohammed_80

Once a cheat always a cheat

You don't believe humans can grow and change?

Reply 13

OP

Original post by EVRoosevelt

You say, "there's a part of me that finds some grim satisfaction of ruining someone that feels so strongly about me." That to me suggests (though I don't mean to speak rudely, or out of turn!) that it might be a control thing. Not in a bad way, but, did you lack control in your youth? Were your parents rather domineering? It could be the case that if you've become used to being controlled by others, and you're lashing out against that, and taking the opportunity to exercise some control when it comes to your relationships - in this case, by ruining them.

I think the closest I can relate to any of that is that whenever I was younger, some of my friend groups used to pick on me. Not that I minded of course, I was just happy to have friends. But I hated not being in control of the situation. There would be times when I would go home in tears thinking of ways I could hurt them to get back at it. I realise that probably doesn't give a great impression but if an honest is what you want, then you have it.

Reply 14

ana_biomedical

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Original post by throwawayacc3741

Right, because a response like that is absolutely helpful and definitely does alleviate this issue I have.

What even was the point lad?

they're right to be honest. I personally haven't been in a relationship, only had "situationships" but they always overlap- I never find myself wanting truly one person when I'm with them so theres always someone else yknow. I took this same advice- I'm just not going to even try at committed relationships because obviously I won't be able to maintain them. You can have equal as much fun if you find people that are ok with having an open relationship or polyamory. In that way you don't hurt other people anymore.

Reply 15

SagaciousSag

20

Original post by throwawayacc3741

You're right but that's also part of the problem. I can't seem to stop myself and It's ******* me over. I get drunk and inevitably end up doing the same **** to some poor *******. Not that drunkenness is the cause, I was like this before I started drinking. I could shut myself off completely, as I feel that would be one surefire way to prevent it but then I'm just gonna be continuously miserable. It's a lose-lose situation.

Which one is it going to be? Being temporarily 'miserable' or stringing multiple partners along only to make them miserable while you relish in it? Sometimes, you have to be selfless for the sake of yourself and others in the future.

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

Original post by SagaciousSag

Which one is it going to be? Being temporarily 'miserable' or stringing multiple partners along only to make them miserable while you relish in it? Sometimes, you have to be selfless for the sake of yourself and others in the future.

Exactly, it may hurt OP right now knowing that completely avoiding getting in a relationship is their best cause of action at the moment, but they'll understand in the long run.

Reply 17

EVRoosevelt

Original post by throwawayacc3741

I think the closest I can relate to any of that is that whenever I was younger, some of my friend groups used to pick on me. Not that I minded of course, I was just happy to have friends. But I hated not being in control of the situation. There would be times when I would go home in tears thinking of ways I could hurt them to get back at it. I realise that probably doesn't give a great impression but if an honest is what you want, then you have it.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, that must have been horrid :frown:

Perhaps that it is to-do with this, as if you haven't been used to a caring friendship, either, you might not feel comfortable around a loving (or potentially loving in the future) partner; it might feel so unfamiliar to you, as you've only ever been used to people who would treat you nastily - and even then you've felt as though you ought to be grateful for those unpleasant people.
I don't mean to armchair-psychologist you (I have no knowledge in those areas!!), but it might be the case that those feelings of a lack of control, and your not being used to kindness, might have altered the way you view relationships. I know you say you've tried therapy, but it might be worth giving it another go, with a different therapist, and trying to work through your childhood worries and unpleasantnesses - if you can move away from those, you might find your mindset when it comes to relationships changes a bit :h:

I wish you good luck, whatever you decide!! :smile:

Reply 18

OP