Why do I still love him, though we haven’t spoken in a year

This guy and I were such close friends for a few years. He was always there for me when I needed him, and I was always there for him. He’d always tell me his problems and I’d help him vice versa. At the time, I genuinely loved him as a friend, and he loved me. He even said it to me a few times.
It was a pretty known thing that both of us secretly liked each other. Apparently everyone in the room could see it but us.
Anyway, when I was in yr11, we both developed intense feelings for each other. I have had crushes on celebrities and boys in my year before, but I had never felt the way I did about that boy. I would always get nervous in my stomach and I hated it so much it made me feel so emotionally sick. Idk if it’s because my parents don’t like the idea of dating and they’re strict with boys, but my excuse to him was that I wanted to focus on my GCSEs. Saying that didn’t mean anything though, because it just made my feelings for him grow even more.
He asked me out on dates to my favourite places and I rejected him. What’s worse, is that I started being horrible to him and I would make him insecure solely because I wanted this anxious and nauseous feeling to go away. It was painful for me, but I had to because I couldn’t stand the feeling.

So, now we haven’t spoken since a year ago. He has a girlfriend who he has been dating for a whole year.
I am still drawn to him for some unknown reason, and it’s driving me mad. Compared to celebrities out there and other guys, there are so many who are more attractive than him, taller than him and more intelligent than him. But he’s still stuck in my head. He looks at me on almost a daily basis, but I try to avoid him because the worst thing that I could possibly do is screw up his relationship with his girlfriend, and have another distraction as I’m currently in yr13 and I take my ALEVELS so seriously. For some reason, i feel like a little bit of his heart still has feelings for me, as does mine. I physically cant bring myself to talk to him or text him.
I cant wait until university as I’ll never have to see him again and I hope that he’ll be off my mind permanently.

Reply 1

LunateCrescent

Original post by Anonymous

I think you're infatuated with the person he used to be and the idea of what you could've been.
People can change in a year and it could be a case of right person wrong time but you can only tell that with time and distance. It could just be because you're both in close quarters with eachother during school and you might find when you leave you'll stop thinking about him so much because he won't be there to remind you of him.

Maybe instead of being in love with the idea of what you could've been, think about all the ways things could've gone wrong if you were together. What good things would you not have today because you would've been with him?

This is probably harsh but given how you were horrible to him and made him insecure- along with the fact he has a girlfriend now; he's most definitely moved on and it's not good for you to linger on the past especially if it's painful for you- it'll be even more painful to him given you were nasty to him.

On a side note, I don't know if you've watched The Holiday (2006) but with Iris and Jasper there is one-sided unrequited love and it might be a good watch (or rewatch) to put your situation into an outside perspective.

Best of luck