So
Context: there’s this boy - let’s call him X - who I sat next to in maths for 3 years. He and I became really close. He began to care for me, look after me, made sure I was always okay and happy. He even said to me ‘I love you’ a few times. We would text every day for 3 years and our conversations never felt dry or boring. He’s had 2 or 3 girlfriend in the past but they all broke up with him because he was still friends with me at that point and they all got jealous of me because I was his friend at that point. At the end of year 11, i think his feelings towards me because obvious to me - he held my hand, he had hugged me so tightly at prom (people were actually taking pictures of us hugging) and he asked me out on a date to my favourite restaurant. and I had just never liked someone like this before. But the reason why I couldn’t commit to him is because my mother is so strict, she’d crucify me if I dated him. He knew my mom was really strict and i had told him ages ago that I can only date in university.
I knew my mom wouldn’t let me go out with him and my feelings were getting stronger for him so I started to push him away a bit so that we’d hopefully stop liking each other and we were on and off talking. It didn’t work. It made me like him more. In year 12, he said he had a girlfriend. Obviously I wanted to act happy for him so I did. Even though he had a gf, at the start of year 12 he’d still with with me in my frees but I still pushed him away. I thought I couldn’t date anyway, so I might aswell focus on my alevels rather than mess around with some guy. We hadn’t spoken for months. So I texted him on his birthday saying happy birthday and he replied 3 days later. I was so upset. I was hoping for a text on my Birthday because he promised me that he’d never forget my Birthday and he didn’t text me.
I’m in year 13 now and I haven’t spoken to X in a whole year. Though I try to avoid it, I make the odd eye contact with him sometimes and it really hurts me. I know there’s something there I really can feel it. I’m talking to a different guy who I sit next to in biology, and he’s so sweet and so clever and we both want to do the same degree at university. I feel like we get along well. And I feel so so bad for him because even though it’s almost been 2 years since I talked to X, I think about him more often than I should. And X is appearing in my dreams on a daily basis I don’t like the feeling. I’ve tried so so hard to occupy myself from thinking about him. He still likes all my posts on social media.
I don’t get why I’m so drawn to X when the guy I’m talking to is even better than him. X was shorter than me and he wasn’t as clever as the guy I’m talking to. But honestly every day I think about X more, and it’s killing me. I can’t text him after 2 years I just can’t bring myself to do that. If I have the confidence, I might on the last day of year 13 as I’ll never have to see him again. But knowing me, I probably won’t do that either. I just feel something deep down inside of me. I really want to talk to him again, even as a friend for the comfort, but i know I can’t.