my mum

i feel like ive failed at everything. for context im currently in year 13 and have just dropped down to 3 a levels. My mum has said that i've ruined everything and i can't go through life quitting everything. I dropped down to 3 as im applying for medicine and top grades are rly important and in my year 12 end of years i didnt get what i wanted as i was stretched too thin. my mum always prided herself on being an overacheiver and that got passed on to me too, i want to do well but i know i couldnt have doing 4. now my mum has decided that im a quitter and shes so disappointed in me and i feel like shes never going to respect me again. we've been arguing so much recently and all i want to do is make her happy but this just makes her more annoyed. its just me and her which means the dynamic is different to a lot of families, when she gets annoyed she doesnt let me out the house to c people and starts screaming at me for the smallest things. im writing all this because its got to the point where im afraid to go home, not because she's abusive but as a chronic people pleaser knowing when i get home im gonna get picked apart on evrything ive done wrong and shouted at all night i cant cope anymore. i feel sick. my self worth is non existent and i feel like im never going to be happy at home, i want to escape to uni but medicine is so hit or miss im terrified i wont get an offer and have to spend a year at home. i dont really know what im hoping from this i just want to feel better i hate my relationship with my mum being this awful and i just want to fix it. she shouts so much all the time and gets annoyed every time i speak i just want to fix everthing. i rly hope someone can help because i cant do this anymore

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

update literllay 2 minutes after i posted that she started screaming at me again for not acting my age and needing to grow up, is she right am i just being dramatic?

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

you’re being a bit dramatic

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

But if it does get physically abusive, call Childline

Reply 4

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

you’re being a bit dramatic

Shush

Reply 5

.Vvoid.

11

Seems like it. I would say that if you think that dropping an A level and instead doing 3 will help you to get better grades on the ones that you are still doing, then it is the right choice because it is better getting 3 good a levels than getting 4 potentially worse ones!

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Just sit down with her like an adult and be the bigger person and explain that taking 4 doesn’t advantage you. And don’t forget that since she’s a single parent she likely struggles (probably more than you) and so be considerate of that. So just try to ignore her when she’s being superficial and try to be the adult when she isn’t. Also, having formal conversations with her would be useful for both you and your mum about issues like grades. And if that doesn’t work maybe suggest therapy for both of you (obviously ask her in the right manner if she thinks you should).

Don’t forget being empathetic is key for being a doctor.

Reply 7

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

Shush

If you read my most recent post on this, you would understand. Don’t forget I said ‘bit’.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

OP

yeah thanks guys, i know she just cares about me and i appreciate it

Reply 9

flâneuse

12

please do not let you mum define your own self worth based on her own successes. you are your own person and just because you are her child and the only other person in the household does not mean that your value to other people is the same stretched out expectations that your mother has. ignore the person saying that you're being too dramatic - that's not true and frankly speaking a little rude. I understand that it is hard when you have a parent who is putting you down when it comes to academics, but I would try to turn this into motivation to get yourself out of that situation: try to do the best you can in your three A levels - doing four does necessarily not make you more 'special', or 'smart' or 'study-oriented' or 'motivated' by most means - and if you want to apply for a lower entry uni as your last choice in case you really feel like it's not going to go well (and then you may have a much better feeling that you'll be out of this situation), then that is fine too. At the end of the day, once you're at uni you can control however much contact you have with her - and perhaps she may change her attitude once you're away and realise (one can hope). You are not a quitter because you're still doing your A levels - you just happen to be doing one less than you were before, and you're still taking the amount required for a standard uni offer. Quitting something normally means that you're now able to do something else - and in your case I'm hoping this means more breathing room and a lot less stress.

On a slightly lighter note, studying while wearing a face mask or sheet mask (and using the time it takes before you have to take it off to get one of your revision tasks done) is a fun way to study and also practice self worth and self care at the same time :,) Don't let your mum's words - however much she cares about you - diminish your own self worth.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by flâneuse

please do not let you mum define your own self worth based on her own successes. you are your own person and just because you are her child and the only other person in the household does not mean that your value to other people is the same stretched out expectations that your mother has. ignore the person saying that you're being too dramatic - that's not true and frankly speaking a little rude. I understand that it is hard when you have a parent who is putting you down when it comes to academics, but I would try to turn this into motivation to get yourself out of that situation: try to do the best you can in your three A levels - doing four does necessarily not make you more 'special', or 'smart' or 'study-oriented' or 'motivated' by most means - and if you want to apply for a lower entry uni as your last choice in case you really feel like it's not going to go well (and then you may have a much better feeling that you'll be out of this situation), then that is fine too. At the end of the day, once you're at uni you can control however much contact you have with her - and perhaps she may change her attitude once you're away and realise (one can hope). You are not a quitter because you're still doing your A levels - you just happen to be doing one less than you were before, and you're still taking the amount required for a standard uni offer. Quitting something normally means that you're now able to do something else - and in your case I'm hoping this means more breathing room and a lot less stress.

On a slightly lighter note, studying while wearing a face mask or sheet mask (and using the time it takes before you have to take it off to get one of your revision tasks done) is a fun way to study and also practice self worth and self care at the same time :,) Don't let your mum's words - however much she cares about you - diminish your own self worth.

Thank you so much, i cant tell you how much that has helped me. You are right its just motivation to get out and im going to prove to her im making the right decision. I wont let her words get to me, or ill try not to. Thank you.

Reply 11

flâneuse

12

Original post by Anonymous

Thank you so much, i cant tell you how much that has helped me. You are right its just motivation to get out and im going to prove to her im making the right decision. I wont let her words get to me, or ill try not to. Thank you.