The Student Room Group

is my relationship toxic or am i self-sabotaging?

i’ve been in a rs with this guy nearly a month (been seeing him for 3 months) and i really like him. but i get really moody and angry at him sometimes, a lot of the times for no apparent reason. i think it’s cuz i’m miserable at uni and take it out on him (id also snap at him before eg after arguing w my parents). i don’t want to stir things for no reason and i think i’m too clingy cuz i wanna see him all the time.

however, there are a few things i’ve noticed:
- he hasn’t called me babe in over 2 weeks (just bro)
- doesn’t want me to meet his friends
- doesn’t send me insta reels anymore
- said we were gonna go out to celebrate my results but we never did
- i basically forced him to be my bf (kept saying he doesn’t wanna rush etc. but doesn’t wanna lose me then i tried to end it on text, he drove to me and i cried in his car so he technically asked me out, ig just to shut me up)
- that time he said he was gonna wait a few more days and ask me out at uni with flowers (then said flowers would be cringe which i disagreed with, and never got me flowers for that after we got together)
- he kinda dismisses me when i’m insecure (when i questioned if we’re acc together now otp he said “that’s not good yday was an important day and u don’t care… did i not ask u out yday… i was asking u out again now”
- doesn’t want to watch a diff show/movie than what he picked until we finish it (70 more episodes)
- i was planning a trip to italy but he didn’t really seem into it, he said he wanted to but when i didn’t mention it he didn’t either
- i told him to find us matching tracksuits online and he said he’ll lmk but didn’t

last time i got moody i aired him and he didn’t text me for over 25hrs until i texted and he replied “i’m not a d***head” (as in he won’t keep texting me when i’m mad/ignore him) “you always get ur mood swings and think it’s ok, you asked me to **** off and i did” i tried to communicate this time saying i don’t think u feel the same way as i do and i don’t wanna get hurt” which he replied “we’ve had this chat so many times, idk what to tell u anymore” is he dismissing me or is he really tired of me being needy and insecure (we probs did have this convo before). then i said goodnight and he hasn’t texted today. he clearly doesn’t care to text me, or is he sick of me being moody and passive aggressive?

i don’t want to break up with him cuz i love spending time w him, cuddling, he always buys us food, he drives me back to my hometown (over 2hr drive for him), we went out on 2 dates in the last few weeks and he’s just my person but should i??

i’m also so miserable and lonely at uni, i think that’s why i take things out on him and want to end this so that i’m completely alone and nothing can hurt/ disappoint me anymore. but also i can’t imagine not having him here with me. but i also don’t just want to keep him cuz i’m lonely. 95% of the time it’s great, just that little bit that i overthink if he really likes me and get p****d off at him and the world. i don’t wanna lose him cuz i’ve never had someone like this in my life and he makes me really happy when we’re together, text and call. i also only snap at him over text after when i feel sad or angry for whatever reason (dunno if that changes things).

should i wait until i’m out of my depression phase and keep track of everything then make a more rational decision. maybe wait and see if he texts me?

sorry if that sounds over dramatic/cringe but i need to know if my mental health is making me wanna ruin something good for myself or if it isn’t all great at all and i should really let it go?
Reply 1
Honestly, i think you need your own support. You sound quite insightful, empathic but also scared and insecure in yourself. Partners, particularly those you have only just met, are not supposed to be your therapist. This relationship does not appear to have the space either of you want at the moment. It appears very push and pull, a battle of wits to get your own needs met. You know it is not healthy, but that doesnt mean it cant be in the future.

We all make excuses for our behaviour all the time, justifying why we did this or that, always moving the responsibility outside of ourselves. I get a sense of this from what you have written. Its okay, we all do it sometime but at the end of the day there is no real excuse for taking it out on others. Your partner cant or shouldnt be the punch bag, and it hurts them and then you, as you seem to feel guilt and shame and then want to either push them away or keep them really, really close. Neither will help you in the longrun, you know that already.

My biggest advice is to work on yourself outside of relationships with others. Being in love and happy with someone starts within you first, dont go chasing what you feel you need through others. Focus on what you need now, own it and make changes. Lastly be good to yourself.

Take care,

Greg

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