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Confused about my gender identity

I'm 17 years of age currently (18 in January 2024) and have been identifying as a transgender male since age 11. I would describe the gender dysphoria as rather intense, and I would get very offended whenever someone misgendered me. I am also a feminist.
Before puberty, I was very very very like VERY feminine and I didn't have a second thought about who I was. Throughout my adolescence, I've had severe identity problems (may be due to my autism and CPTSD). I relate to the Marina and the Diamonds lyric, "I've lived a lot of different lives, been many people different times" as I have experimented with a wide variety of different identities and personas. When I was 11 I had an emo phase. When I was 12 I had a sweaboo phase. When I was 13 I had a goth/dark academia phase. When I was 14 I had a kawaii Hello Kitty phase. When I was 15 I had an edgy camouflage phase and at ages 16 and 17 I had this vague plant aesthetic. Throughout 2022 I aspired to look like and be like 2013 XKCDhatguy and I wanted hair exactly like his, but failed and I had really ugly hair. By 2023, when I matured a lot and became more intelligent and less emotional, I finally managed to get the hair I wanted, but by September 2023 (when I started doing a mechanics course at college) I was bored of having wavy semi-long dark hair and dyed it strawberry blonde because I want to be some vague cigarette-smoking 1980s mechanic who wears a military cap. I no longer want to be the Robitussin-chugging pharmacologist my 2022 self wanted to be like. I also cut my hair somewhat shorter as it was getting to my shoulders and was starting to look ugly, but I don't want to cut it too short because as a pre-testosterone individual I will probably look like a 10-year-old boy with short hair. I currently have a wavy aesthetically appealing strawberry blonde bob however it looks feminine, and I feel conflicted (because I would look weird if I cut it any shorter). Having hair like this makes me feel more feminine (but in a nice way) and now I really feel like fully detransitioning and wearing more feminine attire (I'm particularly fond of white T-shirts and pastel colored tracksuits), but I'm so accustomed to people calling me by a male name (Fredrik) and using male pronouns.
I don't know what to do. I can't imagine myself being non-binary because the thought of doing that sounds so ******* weird and I would feel ashamed to be non-binary. I have a feeling this feminine thing is just a phase, just like all my other previous feminine phases, e.g. how in early 2022 I identified as male but I was the kind of person who would learn Russian on Duolingo, drink Monster Energy and listen to Mother Mother, or how in late 2020 I would randomly wear a revealing Urban Outfitters floral dress, use Tumblr and obsess over Hello Kitty. What do I do? How do I resolve an identity crisis?

Reply 1

da_nolo

22

Wow. That is a lot. Im sorry you feel confused and lost.

I wish to ask a few questions.
Are you male or female at birth?

I dont know what many of these styles are. So I dont know if one is masculine or fiminine. Ive seen boys and girls get into hello kitty or many of your examples but distinuish as boy or girl. May you give example?

Reply 2

kijeta

13

Original post by da_nolo

Wow. That is a lot. Im sorry you feel confused and lost.

I wish to ask a few questions.
Are you male or female at birth?

I dont know what many of these styles are. So I dont know if one is masculine or fiminine. Ive seen boys and girls get into hello kitty or many of your examples but distinuish as boy or girl. May you give example?

OP mentioned "but I'm so accustomed to people calling me by a male name (Fredrik) and using male pronouns." and "transgender male" and "testosterone" , so more likely than not, they're AFAB (as AMABs rarely need to transition to transmasc)

Reply 3

da_nolo

22

Original post by kijeta

OP mentioned "but I'm so accustomed to people calling me by a male name (Fredrik) and using male pronouns." and "transgender male" and "testosterone" , so more likely than not, they're AFAB (as AMABs rarely need to transition to transmasc)

i dont know what any of that is.

Reply 4

ThatOldGuy

19

Look - We live in confusing times: Gender definitions change every three minutes. You can be a woman who likes weight-training(Or working with cars), or a man who likes candles and/or crocheting. Your likes and dislikes don't define whether you're a man or a woman. Your fashion sense doesn't define if you're a man or a woman.

During puberty, almost everyone feels awkward in their skin. Almost everyone feels like their body is weird and alien, given the number of changes in it.

Don't worry about labels. Don't worry about what other people think. Dress in floral dresses or mechanics overalls. Dye your hair or don't. Keep it long or short.

You are not defined by what other people call you, nor are you defined by whether someone else thinks you're one thing or another. People will struggle to label you. Don't label yourself.

Reply 5

Jakson123

14

It sounds like you've been desperately trying to find where you fit in in the world, that's hard enough when you're NT and going through puberty but when you're ND it's even harder. I know, I'm autistic too.

How about if you just stop worrying about your gender? It always seems to me that gender is all based on regressive stereotypes anyway. Your sex is female so why not be what ever sort of female you want, you can be butch or lesbian or emo or masculine or feminine - or floaty and girly one day and hard and edgy and masculine the next. You don't have to label it non binary or have different pronouns on different days.

Definitely don't worry about what other people think, these years are for working out who you are and what you want. But don't feel you have to keep on the path you're on just because you've gone so far down it. Do what's right for you, lots of people experiment through their teenage years to work out who they are.

Reply 6

foreshockes

4

who do you see yourself as in the future? if you see a man then you are a man. im trans too and ive always seen myself as a guy and nothing different. femininity does not necessarily make you a 'woman', boys can be feminine, girls can be masculine. if you want to dress feminine then so be it, it doesn't change anything, its simply a form of expression.

Reply 7

Orange Blossom

22

Original post by ThatOldGuy

Look - We live in confusing times: Gender definitions change every three minutes. You can be a woman who likes weight-training(Or working with cars), or a man who likes candles and/or crocheting. Your likes and dislikes don't define whether you're a man or a woman. Your fashion sense doesn't define if you're a man or a woman.
During puberty, almost everyone feels awkward in their skin. Almost everyone feels like their body is weird and alien, given the number of changes in it.
Don't worry about labels. Don't worry about what other people think. Dress in floral dresses or mechanics overalls. Dye your hair or don't. Keep it long or short.
You are not defined by what other people call you, nor are you defined by whether someone else thinks you're one thing or another. People will struggle to label you. Don't label yourself.

Completely agree with this

Reply 8

Eien

16

I know how you feel, and I’ve been where you are now. In my case, I physically transitioned from male to female around the time you were born, and it was absolutely right for me, but only after working out that any other option (gender non confirming, transitioning without surgery or hormones etc) was not sustainable.

It can be tempting to think your way out of this situation, reaching for different personas so that you can finally assure yourself that you have a label or identity, but it will only serve to perpetuate the angst that you have right now. In any case the self is dynamic and changes in context. As hard as it might be, don’t search for labels right now - try to let go and focus on things that help you focus on being in the moment.

While I mentioned that trying to seek one label to immediately assure yourself of “this is me” may perpetuate the confusion, it may help to try and explore different identities, maybe presenting in a different gender and meeting strangers, then seeing how comfortable you feel. As an example, I second guessed my own transition and went back to presenting as male for a day. It was such an awful experience that it cemented the fact that transition was right for me.

A therapist once said to me “if you can live without transitioning physically, do that”, and I would certainly recommend exploring that first, with continuing hormones or surgery as a last resort.

I may have projected a bit too much of my own experience and misinterpreted your feelings right now, but I hope this resonates at least somewhat!

Confused about my gender identity

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