I'm 17 years of age currently (18 in January 2024) and have been identifying as a transgender male since age 11. I would describe the gender dysphoria as rather intense, and I would get very offended whenever someone misgendered me. I am also a feminist.
Before puberty, I was very very very like VERY feminine and I didn't have a second thought about who I was. Throughout my adolescence, I've had severe identity problems (may be due to my autism and CPTSD). I relate to the Marina and the Diamonds lyric, "I've lived a lot of different lives, been many people different times" as I have experimented with a wide variety of different identities and personas. When I was 11 I had an emo phase. When I was 12 I had a sweaboo phase. When I was 13 I had a goth/dark academia phase. When I was 14 I had a kawaii Hello Kitty phase. When I was 15 I had an edgy camouflage phase and at ages 16 and 17 I had this vague plant aesthetic. Throughout 2022 I aspired to look like and be like 2013 XKCDhatguy and I wanted hair exactly like his, but failed and I had really ugly hair. By 2023, when I matured a lot and became more intelligent and less emotional, I finally managed to get the hair I wanted, but by September 2023 (when I started doing a mechanics course at college) I was bored of having wavy semi-long dark hair and dyed it strawberry blonde because I want to be some vague cigarette-smoking 1980s mechanic who wears a military cap. I no longer want to be the Robitussin-chugging pharmacologist my 2022 self wanted to be like. I also cut my hair somewhat shorter as it was getting to my shoulders and was starting to look ugly, but I don't want to cut it too short because as a pre-testosterone individual I will probably look like a 10-year-old boy with short hair. I currently have a wavy aesthetically appealing strawberry blonde bob however it looks feminine, and I feel conflicted (because I would look weird if I cut it any shorter). Having hair like this makes me feel more feminine (but in a nice way) and now I really feel like fully detransitioning and wearing more feminine attire (I'm particularly fond of white T-shirts and pastel colored tracksuits), but I'm so accustomed to people calling me by a male name (Fredrik) and using male pronouns.
I don't know what to do. I can't imagine myself being non-binary because the thought of doing that sounds so ******* weird and I would feel ashamed to be non-binary. I have a feeling this feminine thing is just a phase, just like all my other previous feminine phases, e.g. how in early 2022 I identified as male but I was the kind of person who would learn Russian on Duolingo, drink Monster Energy and listen to Mother Mother, or how in late 2020 I would randomly wear a revealing Urban Outfitters floral dress, use Tumblr and obsess over Hello Kitty. What do I do? How do I resolve an identity crisis?