I don’t want to leave him but it hurts

My boyfriend and I got together not long after he broke up with his ex. They had a serious relationship and we do not, but we’re both loyal and really like each other etc. I mean the only thing is we don’t plan on any future together. In the beginning he told me he wasn’t over his ex and I could leave if I wanted but I didn’t mind too much as we were kind of casual, and he later lost feelings for her anyway. We’ve been together over a year now. It may sound like I’m a rebound but there’s so much he does for me all the time and he cares for me so much, there’s truly no one like him. I was failing at uni and he taught me every module, he knows I can’t cook so he does everything, he’s very loyal and he’s always there for me. A long time ago, a couple of months after we’d decided to be together, I had gone home and he was alone. He told me he called his ex which was just a normal conversation and that’s fine I trust him, but I told him we couldn’t be together if he talked to her again because I wasn’t comfortable with that. He agreed. A few months later I went home again, and when I got back he told me he had met up with her. She came to meet him and they hung out as a group for a few days. She lives far, another city so it was a one time thing. He said he told me only just then because messaging me was a bad idea and it was better face to face so he waited for me to come back, which he is right about. I missed him so much when I had gone home that I didn’t have the heart to be annoyed that he hadn’t respected my boundaries. And just like that I agreed he could stay friends with her. He knows I’m not comfortable so they call only when I’m not there. He later told me he doesn’t have feelings for her and has deleted all their pics etc. though they still talk as friends. It has been nine months since then and I just tried not to think about it, and I know for a fact he doesn’t have feelings for her. But just yesterday my friend told me about her friend, a guy with a girlfriend, who won’t talk to her anymore because his gf isn’t comfortable with it. And it just made me think, am I really asking for so much? Is it really that hard? It just hurts me so much because we have been so good together, I can’t put it into words. I always felt like I couldn’t do anything because he’s so unbelievably caring towards me. I realise ive been stupid; I was fine, there was no reason for me to be with a guy not over his past, but I liked him so much and we both wanted to be together. I can’t blame him as it was my decision. I don’t want to dig up the past now and ruin everything but it is hurting me so much.

Reply 1

Surnia

You 'really like' a guy and hang out with him, but you don't want to stay together in the future; that's hardly being in a position to complain about him being friends with his ex. What makes you think you can say with whom he can be friends when you're not much more than that? It's casual, so either keep it that way or move on.

The ex will probably be around long after you're out of the picture.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

No we are just casual as in we won’t have a future together and we don’t love each other but he’s my boyfriend. We live together, sleep together, wake up together, go everywhere together. We tell everyone we are together because we are dating. It’s not just a guy I like and hang out with. It’s hard to explain but it’s not like your typical casual relationship.

Reply 3

Surnia

Original post by Anonymous #1

Comment still stands. It's a bit more than FWB, but there isn't the commitment from either side that you can go deciding who he is friends with and he has to abide by that.

Reply 4

Crazy Jamie

Careers Forum Helper

What, exactly, is hurting you in this situation? He is friends with an ex. That's not unusual. It's actually fairly common for people to decide to break off a romantic relationship and stay friends, particularly when they have been together for a while. But in the absence of any evidence at all that he's cheating on you or has not been faithful to you (and you haven't highlighted any), there's no reason to be bothered by this. In fact, quite the opposite, because he's actually been entirely open with you about his contact with her and has communicated that to you in a way that he knows you'd be most receptive to it. That's a really good sign. Ultimately, he's actively decided to be with you. Not her. You. And has given you no reason to doubt that choice.

To me the whole 'casual' label is largely irrelevant. This is not a casual relationship, as much as you may want to label it as one. If it was, then you certainly have no right to tell him who he should be friends with. But even if I'm right and it's not, you still don't really have that right here. In any relationship you cannot be with your other half the whole time. They are always going to spend a good amount of time without you, and will, frankly, have plenty of opportunity to cheat on you if they want to. You cannot stop that. So you have to trust them. There are obviously things they can do to help with that, and there are times when you might reasonably not want them to put themselves in a particular situation, and indeed there are times when they should choose not to put themselves in a particular situation. But generally you have to trust that they will remain faithful to you. If you cannot do that and feel like you have to dictate who they spend time with, that isn't a great sign for the relationship. And I say that even when he's friends with someone that he has previously been in a relationship with, because it's common for people to still have contact with exes. Again, it comes to trust. For this to be sustainable long term, you have to trust him, and as I say, in this situation he's actually positively given you every reason to trust him as far as I can see.