The Student Room Group

Need a second opinion, On how I should move on

Hi, So me and my bf were together for just under 3 years, For 2 years we loved and cared about each other and it was great for a while,

It was up until about summer time 2023 that’s when things went downhill, When we first got together in feb 2021, He had a lot of baggage and problems in his life that I was aware of when I met him, Because he told me about his life and what’s going on at the time, I tried my very best to help him, Until he accused me of cheating at the start of the relationship, Because I had a past with other men, It was nothing serious it was a fwb thing about 3 weeks before I met my bf,

I was honest about it and said I’m sorry that makes you feel insecure and I reassured him that I was all for him at the time, Which is true I was loyal for a long time to him,

His family threatened to brick my windows if I ever cheated on him, And said things like I’ll snap him in half if he does that, I mean fair enough but at that point I was innocent and done nothing wrong, I live with my grandma so that scared me so I went a bit distant with him, we sorted it and I let it go and forgot about it and moved on, until I was noticing his controlling behaviours, I wasn’t allowed to take the dog for a walk on my own, And I would always invite him to come with, and he’d say nah I’m too tired or it’s too dark, Or some other excuse, So I’d go anyways, The minute I use to step out that door, I’d get spammed messages, Obviously he wanted to make sure I’m okay walking alone at night which is fine, But there were so many times I would get overwhelmed for the sheer amount of texts and calls I’d get, I wasn’t allowed to go out with my friends, he had to be there, I never had an issue with it, Until people noticed I was always quiet and not myself when I was around him, In the end I lost all my friends a part from one friend who I’m still close with, I just made friends with his mates instead because at the time I thought I only needed my bf no one else,

When he moved in with me, His behaviour got worse, He use to force his way in the bathroom or stand outside when I was on the toilet, And in my music room there is a lock on the door, The broke the lock by forcing his way into the room, I’d always say just knock, I lock it so people don’t barge in whilst I’m making music or having alone time, For about a year I distanced myself when I noticed he was going cold on me, We started to lose interest so we ended up being so numb and cold, We were just co-existing together, More like room mates it felt like, Of course I still loved him and wanted him, But he became this massive wall that you couldn’t talk to, He would only talk about his feelings or his day, And never ask about mine, So when I use to come home from work I would come upstairs to see him, Give him kisses ask about his day, Cuddle him, Asking what he wants for tea or if he was cooking, I always got such blunt answers, Whilst he was glued to the tv screen playing Xbox, This was every night nearly, I would feel so alone after work, So I would go and play piano or make tea, Go for a walk, Do something with myself until he came off his Xbox, It got to the point where I couldn’t stand it anymore, So I stayed at work and did overtime, Just so I didn’t have to go back and watch him play games for 5 hours every night, So I use to shut myself away in my own family home and avoid everyone, I wasn’t allowed to be myself, I felt alone, So there’s been about 4 occasions where I packed his things and told him to leave, He would then say we can work it out and I’d always feel really bad, Until one time I’d had enough, Of his behaviour, My mum had to ring the police because he was riling me up when I got home, So I got mad and then went to my family to apologise and calm down, He then made it worse by cornering my mum and getting in her face, saying “Who calls the police on their own son” Little did he know he was the reason my mum called, Because he intimidated her,
He never paid rent
And if he did he would always ask where the moneys going, Simple answer it was going on bills, £100 a month isn’t unreasonable for a 5 bed house with all the utilities you need, So I ended up paying his rent, Paying off debts that he got us into with universal credit, I was unemployed for 2 months, Found another job after and still at this job now, He would spend 6 months living on benefits not paying rent, And getting us in debt, So I gave up, He told me a few months ago, I’ve fallen out of love with you, But I’m slowly getting it back, At this point I was like wow that hurt, Whats the point. So I packed his things again, Told him to leave for good, His mum came over and idk what was said, But he unpacked his things and stayed, I was intimidated by his mum, Because cause of her threatening behaviour beforehand,
I tried and tried to leave him so many times and he knew I was unhappy,

Unfortunately I did the worst thing, And I really regret it, I sexted another guy for about 2 hours one night, I then stopped the convo and told my bf the next morning, He wasn’t mad, But left very quickly and said goodbye to me on text, I feel so much remorse and I don’t want to excuse or justify my actions, I am taking accountability and learning from the bad choice I made, It would’ve been so much easier if we just broke up before, I tried to leave him but it seemed impossible, Every time I did I was made to feel like the villain,

There was a time when he asked me to pull my trousers down so he could check if I had masturbated, Without him, I told my sister and she went mental at him that night,

So he hurt me for years, And I use to get so upset and I lost myself, I felt like a robot, I always felt like an accessory to him, Never felt like a priority or felt like he actually loved me,

So in the end I couldn’t leave, No matter how many times i said we’re not happy, He’d always come back, So I sabotaged it, But I had no intentions of hurting him, I just wanted to feel something, He deserves better, I could no longer love or be loyal to him anymore, I’ve been honest about what I did, And I’ll never do it again, This month has been hell, Absolute heartbreaking torture, And I can imagine how hurt he is too, We’re not together anymore and we’re moving on, I just don’t recognise myself anymore , I’m not the victim, He is, But I know he hurt me so much too,

If you tell me you’ve lost love for me and neglect your partner, They’re going to try and leave,

He said he was unhappy too, So why did he stay, I feel so bad for what I’ve done, And I know I’ve hurt him too, I just wish he would let me go when I warned him it wasn’t working anymore,

And my family never got on with him, Because he wouldn’t do things with us, I have met a lot of his family, And put effort in with his family, He didn’t , My baby cousin was born and he didn’t even want to meet my auntie or my dad or my cousin, But I was there for them all when his nephew was born,

I wanted to be free and it was the only way I could get out, But I also know there was another way to split up with him, I’m really trying not excuse my behaviour, It doesn’t make cheating okay, I just want advice or another perspective, I want to be better person,

If you’ve read this far thank you so much for taking the time to do so!!
Your bf was controlling and toxic
That isn't normal behaviour
If he loved you he would have respected you
There is no love if you don't feel safe
I'm sorry this happened to you
Things will get easier but you must cut him off completely

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