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Am I settling or is it relationship anxiety on my part?

I am dating this guy since 7 months (officially for 5). In general he is a very good guy, that i noticed since the beginning. He impressed me with his effort of planning dates, being conisistent and reasssuring with texting in between dates. He was also very open about his feelings towards me and expressing them. He had been like that for our talking stage and approx. 1-2 months into dating officially.

After a hard discussion and him having exam season the dates droppped down to once a week and also his texting shut off. Sometimes him only reaching out every 2-3 days. Besides that his texts were cute and reassuring and i thought i was overreacting and it was just my trauma from my ex- situationship (extremely inconsistence, lower than bare minimum). I felt very anxious and i know it has to do mostly with my anxious attachment style. I know i have a good intuition and i can’t think but worry i want more than him in this relationship.

Since a few weeks his mesages got colder, in person he is less communicative about his feelings towards me. But i have to mention he is struggling with his health at the moment thus also more distant. I actually communicated to him that i need more texting, more than seeing each other only once a week and more effort from him seeing me. He changed his behaviour for a few days but now it’s again back to before the talk. Also because of studying he said seeing us more than once a week won’t be possible. I have to say we are studying at the same university. Now he’s only texting every 2 days and has very cold answers. Also planning dates got difficult because he doesn’t try to find another appointment after us finding out one day doesn’t work out. That just makes me feel unwanted and unloved.

On the other hand he asks me if i am happier and more content in the relationship as he feels he does more effort. He also said that he has to be able not to text me for 1 day without him seeing distant. I understand that of course and i know and got used to the texting getting less. But i feel like i am settling.

With it being christmas season i love going to see markets and the lights. he stated he doesn’t like those things and probably won’t accompany me to do those things. As well as he doesn’t like winter and said he won’t come skiing with me (I love skiing). Also in those 7 months he never got me a little something while i gave him 5 small presents. Regardless we have great chemistry, talks and laughs.

I think i put him on a pedastal in the beginning and now can’t look past those small red flags. Do you think i am settling or is it my anxiety and i am asking for too much?
Even given your ages you're really still in what should be the honeymoon phase of this relationship. The settling elements that you're referring to shouldn't be happening until you're about two years in or so. It's a matter for your own judgement, and you say yourself that you have good instincts. There are also mitigating circumstances to some degree, with his studying and so on. But personally it sounds to me like this relationship isn't giving you want you need.
It sounds like a clear break up situation, how you narrate it sounds like you are not made for each other. Anyway, its kinda funny how you mention all the things he did in the beginning as something amazing when actually thats the bare minimum. I guess that situationship was your only "relationship" experience and you had nothing else to compare to, so it makes sense you dont know how a healthy relationship feels like.
PS: Ive had exes with much better excuses than "studying", theres always time for whats REALLY important xD
Original post by Anonymous #1
I am dating this guy since 7 months (officially for 5). In general he is a very good guy, that i noticed since the beginning. He impressed me with his effort of planning dates, being conisistent and reasssuring with texting in between dates. He was also very open about his feelings towards me and expressing them. He had been like that for our talking stage and approx. 1-2 months into dating officially.

After a hard discussion and him having exam season the dates droppped down to once a week and also his texting shut off. Sometimes him only reaching out every 2-3 days. Besides that his texts were cute and reassuring and i thought i was overreacting and it was just my trauma from my ex- situationship (extremely inconsistence, lower than bare minimum). I felt very anxious and i know it has to do mostly with my anxious attachment style. I know i have a good intuition and i can’t think but worry i want more than him in this relationship.

Since a few weeks his mesages got colder, in person he is less communicative about his feelings towards me. But i have to mention he is struggling with his health at the moment thus also more distant. I actually communicated to him that i need more texting, more than seeing each other only once a week and more effort from him seeing me. He changed his behaviour for a few days but now it’s again back to before the talk. Also because of studying he said seeing us more than once a week won’t be possible. I have to say we are studying at the same university. Now he’s only texting every 2 days and has very cold answers. Also planning dates got difficult because he doesn’t try to find another appointment after us finding out one day doesn’t work out. That just makes me feel unwanted and unloved.

On the other hand he asks me if i am happier and more content in the relationship as he feels he does more effort. He also said that he has to be able not to text me for 1 day without him seeing distant. I understand that of course and i know and got used to the texting getting less. But i feel like i am settling.

With it being christmas season i love going to see markets and the lights. he stated he doesn’t like those things and probably won’t accompany me to do those things. As well as he doesn’t like winter and said he won’t come skiing with me (I love skiing). Also in those 7 months he never got me a little something while i gave him 5 small presents. Regardless we have great chemistry, talks and laughs.

I think i put him on a pedastal in the beginning and now can’t look past those small red flags. Do you think i am settling or is it my anxiety and i am asking for too much?

You should leave. Somethings definitely up and it’ll probably only get worse.
The not texting for days is crazy and not something you should just accept.

You are young and there are PLENTY of people who would give you a hell of a lot more. You shouldn’t waste any more time with someone you’re not getting anything from. Find someone who will take you to the markets to see the lights and will make sacrifices for you. From experience as someone who spent too many years with a man who made no effort, there are hundreds who will. Dont waste your months away.

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