This will probably be a long opening post, so sorry in advance. If you do want to read through the whole thing, thank you.
I struggle with a lack of motivation which I believe is caused by my depression, which I have had for the past few years, but I believe I have had it for most of my life for a variety of reasons. I go to college and get along well with the other people there, but I don't get along with them well enough to really be friends with them. I guess it's a case of 'friends with everyone, friends with nobody.' When I'm not at college I spend most of my time at home on my computer, sometimes talking to my friends on Discord and sometimes playing video games or doing work, but often I just do nothing because there's nothing to do.
I'm a bit fat and a bit ugly, even though almost nobody tells me that to my face. When I look in the mirror I automatically think 'you are so ugly, nobody will ever love you' and since I've never had a meaningful relationship with a girl in my life, I guess I'm right. I did have a girlfriend though, in late 2020, but we didn't get along very well and she said outright that I was ugly (she was right but it still hurt), then after we split up lied about me to her friends saying that I had used her for sex, even though I am still a virgin. Since then I think I've managed to look slightly better, but still not good enough.
Other than her, nothing. I want a relationship - I want to be loved - but I've never had any success. Other than the girl I talked about above, and one girl who asked me out in Year 6 which doesn't really count, I have never had any success asking people out. I tried Tinder for a while (not a great idea I know) and managed to get just four likes and no matches. I considered joining Bumble a little while ago but didn't in the end for obvious reasons.
In truth I want to improve myself. I want to be thinner so I might actually be somewhat attractive, and I want to be able to do my work properly, but I just can't make myself exercise or commit to working. I don't know why. I want to do it, but when it comes to pulling myself into it I just can't and it breaks my heart. There are other things about me I wish I could talk about but the forum rules mean I can't do it. I have a counsellor, but I also can't talk about it with her because she'd have to tell people and that would make the issue worse.
My whole life I've regretted the way I am, and I've always wished I was someone else. Somebody more sociable, someone better looking, someone more talented, someone capable of success, but I am not that person.