uni student pregnancy

hi i am in my first year of university, i’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 months or so and i’ve just found out that i’m pregnant. i can’t go through with the pregnancy due to my circumstances atm and i am insistent on an abortion. however my boyfriend told me not long ago that if i got pregnant he would “go distant with me until i got rid of it” (his exact words). that really isn’t what i need right now, i need support as i’m about to go through something traumatic.
my main question here is am i a bad person if i don’t tell him i’m pregnant and i get an abortion behind his back?
my main reason for doing this is that i don’t want him to go distant with me, him just being him with me will be enough support to get through it.
i have many friends at uni who are willing to support me and will come to appointments with me.
i also told him that it’s my friend who is pregnant, as i didn’t call him last night because i had done the test and needed support from my friends, so i told him my friend had just found out she’s pregnant and she was the one who needed support.
i’m just so scared of him finding out, and mainly finding out that i’ve kept something so big from him and that i’ve lied about my friend being pregnant instead of me.

Reply 1

ageshallnot

21

Original post by Anonymous #1

hi i am in my first year of university, i’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 months or so and i’ve just found out that i’m pregnant. i can’t go through with the pregnancy due to my circumstances atm and i am insistent on an abortion. however my boyfriend told me not long ago that if i got pregnant he would “go distant with me until i got rid of it” (his exact words). that really isn’t what i need right now, i need support as i’m about to go through something traumatic.
my main question here is am i a bad person if i don’t tell him i’m pregnant and i get an abortion behind his back?
my main reason for doing this is that i don’t want him to go distant with me, him just being him with me will be enough support to get through it.
i have many friends at uni who are willing to support me and will come to appointments with me.
i also told him that it’s my friend who is pregnant, as i didn’t call him last night because i had done the test and needed support from my friends, so i told him my friend had just found out she’s pregnant and she was the one who needed support.
i’m just so scared of him finding out, and mainly finding out that i’ve kept something so big from him and that i’ve lied about my friend being pregnant instead of me.

Is it realistic for him NOT to find out about an abortion given that some of your friends already know about the pregnancy?

Original post by Anonymous

my main question here is am i a bad person if i don’t tell him i’m pregnant and i get an abortion behind his back?

Given his previous comments, no, I don't think you're a bad person for not telling him. As you say, you are about to through something traumatic and you need people around you who will support you. I'm very much of the view that you do what you need to do here. I don't think he can have many complaints of you not telling him given he has literally told you previously that in the same situation he won't support you.
However, as much as this isn't an issue for right now, once you're through this and things have (relatively speaking) settled down, I would very much be asking yourself the question whether you want to be with someone who openly states that he will run away as soon as a situation occurs where you actually need support. As much as the burden of pregnancy, abortion, labour and birth falls on the woman, he is very much responsible for getting you pregnant, and for me his willingness to abdicate all of that responsibility at the drop of a hat is a massive red flag. Surely you want to be with someone who will not only accept responsibility for their own actions, but you will also provide you with the emotional and practical support you need when these situations arise, whether pregnancy or anything else? Maybe I'm missing something, but I think comment from him is absolutely awful and I'd be getting well shot of him in your situation.

Reply 3

Bean_cat

15

Original post by Anonymous #1

hi i am in my first year of university, i’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 months or so and i’ve just found out that i’m pregnant. i can’t go through with the pregnancy due to my circumstances atm and i am insistent on an abortion. however my boyfriend told me not long ago that if i got pregnant he would “go distant with me until i got rid of it” (his exact words). that really isn’t what i need right now, i need support as i’m about to go through something traumatic.
my main question here is am i a bad person if i don’t tell him i’m pregnant and i get an abortion behind his back?
my main reason for doing this is that i don’t want him to go distant with me, him just being him with me will be enough support to get through it.
i have many friends at uni who are willing to support me and will come to appointments with me.
i also told him that it’s my friend who is pregnant, as i didn’t call him last night because i had done the test and needed support from my friends, so i told him my friend had just found out she’s pregnant and she was the one who needed support.
i’m just so scared of him finding out, and mainly finding out that i’ve kept something so big from him and that i’ve lied about my friend being pregnant instead of me.

Hi I hope things work out for you regardless of the circumstances and I truly wish you the best. In this situation what's really bothering me the most is the attitude of this boyfriend, it doesn't matter what option you choose to go with this pregnancy, but he should be beside you and supporting you, because this isn't a casual little thing. It takes 2 for a pregnancy to happen and he shouldn't be making comments like that because it's on both of you, not just you for getting pregnant. In the long run it's not looking good at all; he's irresponsible, rude and unsupportive - he didn't have to say that at all and the fact that you're scared of him finding out about this pregnancy is alarming to me and speaks volumes about your relationship.

Your friends are offering way more support than he is and are actually putting in the effort to make sure you're okay, when in reality it should be your boyfriend giving you all this support also, it's the fact that he's going to be distant even during the abortion process which makes this all the more worse. As others have mentioned, what is he going to do when you really need him, go 'distant' again? Better off getting rid of the boyfriend first, you deserve better than this and I don't blame you for not telling him. I hope things work out for you ❤️