The Student Room Group

Advice please Muslim brothers and sisters

Salaam Brothers and Sisters,

I’m 23 years old with an educational background in Information and Communication Technology. I’ve known a girl for two years with the intention of marrying her we both want to marry each other both my mother and father are aware of the girl and that I want to marry her which is why I have my parents consent although it’s her end that’s the issue every time the girl raises the topic on marriage especially to her mum her mum doesn’t want to hear about it sarcastically shrugging it off or giving a smirk or grin. I’ve awaited patiently for nearly 2 and a half years and when I first came across the girl, started to speak in a rough idea of how long a wait would be she told me it would be 2 or 3 years before getting married what would you advise me to do…have I waited long enough and gave her enough time to tell her parent's and what would you do if I said to her “I’ll give you till the end of the year for an answer” and there’s still no answer to it then.

Jazakallah I hope Ramadan is going well for you all

Thank you

:smile:
Reply 1
Didn't the girl want to finish her degree and learn to drive first? Why aren't you waiting for that?
Reply 2
Original post by Surnia
Didn't the girl want to finish her degree and learn to drive first? Why aren't you waiting for that?

Surnia I turn 24 in December. I’ve put my career plans on hold to base a future around me and her, I’ve supported her in finding the work experience on top of her degree to even get a graduate job now and I am motivating her alongside myself I just need to redo my theory I haven’t forgotten anything practical to get my driving license and certificate but she’s not pushing herself towards that despite saying she will. In September she’s in her 3rd and final year, It’s unfair to say I’ll give reassurances whilst I have no reassurances of my own, nor an idea of when we can marry each other especially when she’s happy and is desperate to get married herself to me.
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous #1
Surnia I turn 24 in December. I’ve put my career plans on hold to base a future around me and her, I’ve supported her in finding the work experience on top of her degree to even get a graduate job now and I am motivating her alongside myself I just need to redo my theory I haven’t forgotten anything practical to get my driving license and certificate but she’s not pushing herself towards that despite saying she will. In September she’s in her 3rd and final year, It’s unfair to say I’ll give reassurances whilst I have no reassurances of my own, nor an idea of when we can marry each other especially when she’s happy and is desperate to get married herself to me.
You are 24, so what?
Reply 4
Original post by black tea
You are 24, so what?

So what… I want to settle down I have plans for the future. There’s people around me in their early 20s getting married a year after I’ll be 25.
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous #1
So what… I want to settle down I have plans for the future. There’s people around me in their early 20s getting married a year after I’ll be 25.
You are not old. You have your life ahead of you. Getting married a year or two later than you planned is really not an issue at your age.
Reply 6
Original post by Anonymous #1
Surnia I turn 24 in December. I’ve put my career plans on hold to base a future around me and her, I’ve supported her in finding the work experience on top of her degree to even get a graduate job now and I am motivating her alongside myself I just need to redo my theory I haven’t forgotten anything practical to get my driving license and certificate but she’s not pushing herself towards that despite saying she will. In September she’s in her 3rd and final year, It’s unfair to say I’ll give reassurances whilst I have no reassurances of my own, nor an idea of when we can marry each other especially when she’s happy and is desperate to get married herself to me.
Have you or your parents spoken with her mother, as has been suggested many times before?

You've known the timescale all along. How is not advancing your own career helping? Don't you want to be earning to live somewhere, buy the essentials etc?
Reply 7
Original post by black tea
You are not old. You have your life ahead of you. Getting married a year or two later than you planned is really not an issue at your age.

Sorry but I want a family of my own, explore the world with a family of my own. Gain an independent life by moving away from my parents. I can’t see myself at 26 or 27 not being married by then. It just doesn’t make sense how people in their early 20s get married otherwise.
Reply 8
Original post by Surnia
Have you or your parents spoken with her mother, as has been suggested many times before?
You've known the timescale all along. How is not advancing your own career helping? Don't you want to be earning to live somewhere, buy the essentials etc?

Her mother snickers, and sarcastically shrugs and grins of the idea when she speaks about it to her…? I told her my mother wants to meet you this coming Spring and if it’s okay with you to talk to your mother she was like she just wouldn’t know how it would plan out…I’ve finished my education, got my degree in computing struggling to find a graduate job in ICT hence why I’m considering a career change into a sector where I’m able to gain a job quickly without vast qualifications, I’ve agreed an initial plan of wanting to live in our local town and maybe in a accommodation like a flat for a couple of years which gives the time to move to another place in another town.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Salaam Brothers and Sisters,
I’m 23 years old with an educational background in Information and Communication Technology. I’ve known a girl for two years with the intention of marrying her we both want to marry each other both my mother and father are aware of the girl and that I want to marry her which is why I have my parents consent although it’s her end that’s the issue every time the girl raises the topic on marriage especially to her mum her mum doesn’t want to hear about it sarcastically shrugging it off or giving a smirk or grin. I’ve awaited patiently for nearly 2 and a half years and when I first came across the girl, started to speak in a rough idea of how long a wait would be she told me it would be 2 or 3 years before getting married what would you advise me to do…have I waited long enough and gave her enough time to tell her parent's and what would you do if I said to her “I’ll give you till the end of the year for an answer” and there’s still no answer to it then.
Jazakallah I hope Ramadan is going well for you all
Thank you
:smile:

Walaykumassalam,

Have you done Istikhara yet?
Istikhara is basically a way to ask for Allahs guidance on a choice, it is most commonly used for marriage. there are 3 mainsteps.
1) Research (basically doing research on the potential spouse) - I'm assuming you have done this step and have gotten to know more about the sister and her characteristics and background etc.
2) Consultation (Asking for advise of someone you trust and is experienced in the area) - which i belive you have already done by talking to your parents. You could try talking to another person if you like, but this step seemed to be completed
3) Istikhara prayer - Actually performing the prayer and making the dua of istikhara
Before i expand on the istikhara bit, if you haven't done it already... you should know that there has to be pre-requisits.
So one key thing is that you should be 100% set on wanting to marry her when doing this, as then you will take action based of your own desires and you don't truly want Allahs guidance on the matter as your mind is set. So i suggest you try and reduce it down to like 70% by poking some holes in the idea - Question if this is whats best for you... THEN pray istikhara.

HOW TO PRAY ISTIKHARA:
You offer 2 rakats (that are not sunnah or fardh) you could do this after any prayer time eg after praying Asr etc. Once completing the 2 rakat (normal 2 rakat nothing special is needed during the salah)
You read the istikhara dua:
Istikhara Du’a

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ وَاسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أُقْدِرُ وَتَعْلَمُ وَلا أَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتَ عَلامُ الْغُيُوبِ اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ
هَذَا الْأَمْرَ

This is where you mention your need

خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاقْدُرْهُ لِي وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ وَإِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ

This is where you mention your need

شر لي في ديني ومعاشي وعاقبة أمري فاصرفه عني وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ وَاقْدُرْ لِي الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ ثُمَّ ارْضِنِي بِهِ

O Allah I seek your guidance for what is good for me because of your infinite knowledge

I seek the ability to do what I need to do (& make my decision) because of your power & l ask you to grant me from your favour.

Most definitely you are fully capable & I am completely incapable. You know everything & I don't know anything & you (alone) are the complete knower of all those things that are hidden.

O Allah, based on your all-encompassing knowledge, if this matter (you mention the matter here) is good for me in my religious affairs, my worldly affairs & in my hereafter, in my short-term & my long-term, make it possible for me; accessible for me & (after I have achieved it) place your grace in it for me.

Oh Allah, based on your all-encompassing knowledge, if this matter (you mention the matter here) is bad for me in my religious affairs, my worldy affairs & in my hereafter, in my short-term & my long-term then turn it away from me & turn me away from it & enable that which is possible for me wherever/ however it maybe & then make me pleased with it


AFTER ISTIKHARA:
You will get one of 2 signs:
GOOD SIGN:

Your affair has been made easy ( this is the MAIN sign )

You may get a dream - but not always - the main thing to look at is if th eaffair has been made easy - so if your problem has resolved in your case

BAD SIGN:

Your affair has been made difficult

You might not have an inclination towards marrying her any more

Something else is made easy for you (eg another marriage proposal)


REMEMBER:
Doing Istikhara doesn't always mean you will have a good marriage - it can be the case where that marriage may be difficult but may lead to something greater in the future - it might mean that this difficult marriage is a way for you to grow etc.
(however this is unlikely to happen if you do istikhara properly)

So ik this was really long, but hopely it helps with your situation brother, just put your trust in Allah and it should all work out Insha Allah.
Reply 10
Original post by Anonymous #2
Walaykumassalam,
Have you done Istikhara yet?
Istikhara is basically a way to ask for Allahs guidance on a choice, it is most commonly used for marriage. there are 3 mainsteps.
1) Research (basically doing research on the potential spouse) - I'm assuming you have done this step and have gotten to know more about the sister and her characteristics and background etc.
2) Consultation (Asking for advise of someone you trust and is experienced in the area) - which i belive you have already done by talking to your parents. You could try talking to another person if you like, but this step seemed to be completed
3) Istikhara prayer - Actually performing the prayer and making the dua of istikhara
Before i expand on the istikhara bit, if you haven't done it already... you should know that there has to be pre-requisits.
So one key thing is that you should be 100% set on wanting to marry her when doing this, as then you will take action based of your own desires and you don't truly want Allahs guidance on the matter as your mind is set. So i suggest you try and reduce it down to like 70% by poking some holes in the idea - Question if this is whats best for you... THEN pray istikhara.
HOW TO PRAY ISTIKHARA:
You offer 2 rakats (that are not sunnah or fardh) you could do this after any prayer time eg after praying Asr etc. Once completing the 2 rakat (normal 2 rakat nothing special is needed during the salah)
You read the istikhara dua:
Istikhara Du’a
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ وَاسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أُقْدِرُ وَتَعْلَمُ وَلا أَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتَ عَلامُ الْغُيُوبِ اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ
هَذَا الْأَمْرَ
This is where you mention your need
خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاقْدُرْهُ لِي وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ وَإِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ
This is where you mention your need
شر لي في ديني ومعاشي وعاقبة أمري فاصرفه عني وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ وَاقْدُرْ لِي الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ ثُمَّ ارْضِنِي بِهِ
O Allah I seek your guidance for what is good for me because of your infinite knowledge
I seek the ability to do what I need to do (& make my decision) because of your power & l ask you to grant me from your favour.
Most definitely you are fully capable & I am completely incapable. You know everything & I don't know anything & you (alone) are the complete knower of all those things that are hidden.
O Allah, based on your all-encompassing knowledge, if this matter (you mention the matter here) is good for me in my religious affairs, my worldly affairs & in my hereafter, in my short-term & my long-term, make it possible for me; accessible for me & (after I have achieved it) place your grace in it for me.
Oh Allah, based on your all-encompassing knowledge, if this matter (you mention the matter here) is bad for me in my religious affairs, my worldy affairs & in my hereafter, in my short-term & my long-term then turn it away from me & turn me away from it & enable that which is possible for me wherever/ however it maybe & then make me pleased with it
AFTER ISTIKHARA:
You will get one of 2 signs:
GOOD SIGN:

Your affair has been made easy ( this is the MAIN sign )

You may get a dream - but not always - the main thing to look at is if th eaffair has been made easy - so if your problem has resolved in your case

BAD SIGN:

Your affair has been made difficult

You might not have an inclination towards marrying her any more

Something else is made easy for you (eg another marriage proposal)


REMEMBER:
Doing Istikhara doesn't always mean you will have a good marriage - it can be the case where that marriage may be difficult but may lead to something greater in the future - it might mean that this difficult marriage is a way for you to grow etc.
(however this is unlikely to happen if you do istikhara properly)
So ik this was really long, but hopely it helps with your situation brother, just put your trust in Allah and it should all work out Insha Allah.

Thank you :smile:
SORRY! Made a mistake on that first section: "You SHOULDN'T be 100% set on marrying her"
Original post by Anonymous #1
Thank you :smile:

No problem, if you have any questions let me know :smile:

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