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I'd love some advice!

Ok so this is a wee bit of a long story but I'll try and make it as concise as I can!

Came out of a long term relationship about 2 1/2 months ago and I wasn't looking for anything. Ended up kissing the guy who lives upstairs a few times on nights out within a very short space of time! Very quickly we were acting quite 'coupley' and strangely I was ok with it! I really enjoy his company, he makes me laugh and we have good banter between us :smile:

Things continued for about a month and it got to the point where we had to talk about whether we were going to officially get together or not...
Because of his religion and his family, he can't have a girlfriend. He said he's done it in the past but it's been really stressful trying to keep it a secret from his family etc. We had a really intense, emotionally charged conversation about it which lasted about 4 1/2 hours! He cried, I cried... It was awful! Ha.
Ever since then though, things have crept back up to kissing on the cheek and I really don't know where I stand. He's saying one thing but acting in another way...

From the outset, I was warned against him because he was described as a 'player' but everyone said how different he was with me and they've never seen him like that with a girl before... I don't know whether I've just been played or whether he's being genuine...

I've been at home for a couple of days but I'm going back to uni tomorrow and will see him then and I just don't know what to expect... I know he's at another girl's house right now but don't know if there's anything going on there or not... (his best friend said he didn't know anything about another girl and I'd like to think he wouldn't lie to me but bros come first..)

I don't really know what I'm saying or asking here! Ahaha... Just a bit of advice/ insight really I suppose... I'd be so grateful!

Reply 1

Alpharius

Well, the only thing I can say is that you have been warned he's a player. Cheetahs don't change their spots.

I don't know the guy though. But I'd still advise to be cautions if you don't want to be played.

Posted from TSR Mobile

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 2

palashnick

if there is a difference between his actions and his words then imo you should just let it pan out. Be cautious and don't worry. Just go with the flow. Well it seems to me as if he's avoiding a commitment and making excuses. I know it may sound harsh but reality is always so. It seems to me as if he is making excuses cuz if he has done it before and he does want you by his side, no religion would be enough to stop him. Anyways my advice would just to go with the flow and don't worry.

Reply 3

Mockery

If he lets his parents negatively effect his relationships then it makes me wonder if you're a little bisexual for being attracted to him to begin with.

It's either an excuse or simply not worth getting involved in, neither make for a good situation.

Reply 4

Trigger

"Bro's come first" :lolwut:

Anyway, he's made it clear how he feels, it's up to you whether you pursue him with this knowledge but if you get hurt you only have yourself to blame. Bit odd he says no GF's because of his religion and homelife but has a rep for being a "player"

Reply 5

Studentus-anonymous

Original post by Anonymous

Just a bit of advice/ insight really I suppose... I'd be so grateful!

You've been given fair warning, and you have information suggesting he is less than reliable as a partner and he has even specifically told you he is unable to provide what you are seeking but hey you're a big girl, your life.

I have a friend somewhat in your position, she is enamoured with a guy who has outright told her he won't go out with her but he still makes all these little gestures and noises which keeps her on the hook, so he gets to do with her as he wishes, play around with other women and keeps her frustrated and emotionally unavailable to other better men who might actually give her what she wants (she wants a relationship).

I am very much the sort of let-friends-make-their-own-mistakes and to-each-his/her-own type of guy but when a situation like this goes on for so long it gets frustrating for her friends as much as it does for her, especially when she starts talking about him often just as a coping mechanism because she can't assimilate the fact he is if not a douche just not available for what she wants and moving on like most normal people would.

I'm not sure you're in so deep but you've been given your answer, I suggest just absorbing that basic fact and moving on to other opportunities, of which their are plenty.

(It's an interesting technique of the modern player BTW, probably worth anthropological study. The 'player' tells women the truth that he is not interested in a relationship, commitment, or anything beyond a fling, but doesn't have the balls to risk of a women walking away--maybe he isn't such a player after all--by sticking by his decision in behaviour and other language.
So he whispers sweet nothings and acts like he really wants to be with you but he told you there is to be no relationship for whatever reason so you can't call him up on his leading you on apparently, or you convince yourself he wants you but he can't because of some noble obstacle like religion or 'his life isn't in the right place right now'.
Girls, stop falling for this, if you're after a relationship find a guy who is looking for one to.
Not only will it frustrate you less it will stop frustrating your friends to! :] )

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by Mockery

If he lets his parents negatively effect his relationships then it makes me wonder if you're a little bisexual for being attracted to him to begin with.

I don't understand what you mean by this..?

Original post by Studentus-anonymous

I'm not sure you're in so deep but you've been given your answer, I suggest just absorbing that basic fact and moving on to other opportunities, of which their are plenty.

(It's an interesting technique of the modern player BTW, probably worth anthropological study. The 'player' tells women the truth that he is not interested in a relationship, commitment, or anything beyond a fling, but doesn't have the balls to risk of a women walking away--maybe he isn't such a player after all--by sticking by his decision in behaviour and other language.
So he whispers sweet nothings and acts like he really wants to be with you but he told you there is to be no relationship for whatever reason so you can't call him up on his leading you on apparently, or you convince yourself he wants you but he can't because of some noble obstacle like religion or 'his life isn't in the right place right now'.
Girls, stop falling for this, if you're after a relationship find a guy who is looking for one to.
Not only will it frustrate you less it will stop frustrating your friends to! :] )

Yeah, I know you're right I suppose but I foolishly let myself fall for it and can't seem to work my way out of it. He really doesn't seem the 'player' type which is why I struggled to see it in the first place... and don't really see it now...

Your last paragraph seems totally it though. I feel so pathetic and I never thought I'd find myself in a situation like this but here I am!

I don't really know what to do about it; a large part of me just wants to let it play out and see what happens but I don't know if that'll just make things worse. I want to believe he's not that sort of guy.

Reply 7

canadamoose

Even if you did get into a relationship with him, how would you feel about keeping it a secret? For years. I'm not talking about a secret for a month or two so that there's that extra passion, I'm talking YEARS.

He's warned you. Friends have warned you.

Find somebody willing to give you what you deserve.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by canadamoose

My last relationship lasted a year and a half and it was a secret, my parents would not have been happy that I was dating a girl! Ha.. So I'm no stranger to that...

Had a lot of time to think today though and as it stands right now, if he's not willing to commit then I'm not willing to wait around for him... Haven't seen him yet though so it might all change when I see him! Ahaha