Scared boyfriend will never feel the same for me as he did for his friend
I've been with him for a couple of years, but he had feelings for a long-term friend for years, roughly 3 years.
I've had crushes before that have lasted a few months, but to like someone for 3 years seems out of this world to me.
They continued their friendship during the first few months of our relationship. After that they lost contact, he claimed she wasn't interesting anymore, they had nothing in common, stuff like that. They haven't spoken for almost 1 year to my knowledge, and haven't seen each other for nearly 2.
He asked her out (a while before me) and she said she 'would consider it' but then later said no. She never confirmed whether she liked him or not.
He had several female friends as well before her and at the time we met, but he never made any effort with them. They eventually all lost contact and to be honest he doesn't seem to give a toss. He certainly didn't seem anywhere near as bothered as he did about this girl (let's call her Sarah)
During his friendship with Sarah he made so much effort (even when with me) it was him texting her, and he doesn't really seem like that with other girls. He never actively texts other girls to try and arrange stuff, he only did that with her.
She apparently always acted weird with him, his friends thought she liked him, and even though she has a boyfriend now, sometimes I feel sick.
She was the only girl friend he liked photos on facebook of ( I mean actual close-up face pictures) and while he's with me, he never truly knew how she felt.
Should I talk to him about this? I have been insecure about it in the past, and he's tried to reassure me, but sometimes he got annoyed about it I think. I have never met her either.
I don't know what I could achieve from it, but sometimes I get scared that she was his true love and he misses her, and he's a bit depressed these days too. However, I am probably just being stupid, but I really wanted to talk to someone about this.
Does anyone have a similar story? Thanks a lot.
I've had crushes before that have lasted a few months, but to like someone for 3 years seems out of this world to me.
They continued their friendship during the first few months of our relationship. After that they lost contact, he claimed she wasn't interesting anymore, they had nothing in common, stuff like that. They haven't spoken for almost 1 year to my knowledge, and haven't seen each other for nearly 2.
He asked her out (a while before me) and she said she 'would consider it' but then later said no. She never confirmed whether she liked him or not.
He had several female friends as well before her and at the time we met, but he never made any effort with them. They eventually all lost contact and to be honest he doesn't seem to give a toss. He certainly didn't seem anywhere near as bothered as he did about this girl (let's call her Sarah)
During his friendship with Sarah he made so much effort (even when with me) it was him texting her, and he doesn't really seem like that with other girls. He never actively texts other girls to try and arrange stuff, he only did that with her.
She apparently always acted weird with him, his friends thought she liked him, and even though she has a boyfriend now, sometimes I feel sick.
She was the only girl friend he liked photos on facebook of ( I mean actual close-up face pictures) and while he's with me, he never truly knew how she felt.
Should I talk to him about this? I have been insecure about it in the past, and he's tried to reassure me, but sometimes he got annoyed about it I think. I have never met her either.
I don't know what I could achieve from it, but sometimes I get scared that she was his true love and he misses her, and he's a bit depressed these days too. However, I am probably just being stupid, but I really wanted to talk to someone about this.
Does anyone have a similar story? Thanks a lot.
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You can't always be afraid of whether or not he loves you as much as he loved her. Everyone has a past when they start a relationship with someone, pretty much, and they would have loved before. You have every right to feel insecure, but don't let it dominate your day-to-day life. I feel insecure often about not being as pretty as my boyfriend's exes or him not liking me as much as he liked them etc, but I remind myself that I too have ex boyfriends, and I don't, in the slightest, compare my current boyfriend to them. He is on a whole different level, and so why should I be fearful that he'd be missing his exes? If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be with you.
Original post by Anonymous
X
Hi OP,
I'm in a similar situation; my partner is quite a few years older than me, and we've been together for just over a year. I've been in his only partner, but he was always very honest and open about a girl he knew from school, with whom he was never in love, but nevertheless greatly admired and appreciated for her kindness and encouragement. Being 2 years older than he, she left school and led a sad life in the years after, during which he regained contact, and seeing her unhappiness caused him to ask her if she wanted help from him (he said he never intended to offer marriage, but perhaps to find her a place to live with him, in a completely platonic but convenient situation). Naturally she refused, but he has remained in contact with her ever since, and visits her once a year.
In my own anxiety, like you, I occasionally worry that he subconsciously loved her without ever admitting it to himself, and has loved her to this day. He assures me of course that he never felt love for her in any other way as an 'impressed schoolboy', which for all I'm saying is probably true, therefore meaning I am causing my own worry. In this situation, perhaps you could speak to your boyfriend about your feelings, and discuss them. I think, more often than not, that I am causing my own insecurity, and that my partner is completely honest and truthful in describing his platonic appreciation for this girl, which as he says, never developed into love. Nevertheless, we speak about it regularly as a means to channel and analyse our feelings with each other. Communication is vitally important, so perhaps build on the communication you have already, to increase your understanding and self confidence. Hope this helps!
I'm in a similar situation; my partner is quite a few years older than me, and we've been together for just over a year. I've been in his only partner, but he was always very honest and open about a girl he knew from school, with whom he was never in love, but nevertheless greatly admired and appreciated for her kindness and encouragement. Being 2 years older than he, she left school and led a sad life in the years after, during which he regained contact, and seeing her unhappiness caused him to ask her if she wanted help from him (he said he never intended to offer marriage, but perhaps to find her a place to live with him, in a completely platonic but convenient situation). Naturally she refused, but he has remained in contact with her ever since, and visits her once a year.
In my own anxiety, like you, I occasionally worry that he subconsciously loved her without ever admitting it to himself, and has loved her to this day. He assures me of course that he never felt love for her in any other way as an 'impressed schoolboy', which for all I'm saying is probably true, therefore meaning I am causing my own worry. In this situation, perhaps you could speak to your boyfriend about your feelings, and discuss them. I think, more often than not, that I am causing my own insecurity, and that my partner is completely honest and truthful in describing his platonic appreciation for this girl, which as he says, never developed into love. Nevertheless, we speak about it regularly as a means to channel and analyse our feelings with each other. Communication is vitally important, so perhaps build on the communication you have already, to increase your understanding and self confidence. Hope this helps!
Thanks for the reply. Sometimes I just think of the thought of her telling him she liked him, and him going for her and us never happening. He's genuinely not happy atm, and while he's with me, I never feel like he is fully happy. He has no appetite, he smokes far too much weed, and he's always snappy. I feel like I don't make him happy. He's even admitted he's never been happy. As I mentioned, she has a boyfriend, and they haven't spoken at all. Maybe I should just try and forget it, or I'll only cause more problems.... thanks x
It's also the fact that this was continuing into our relationship, it was only her he was making effort with, as I mentioned he had other female friends, but it was usually always them who spoke to him, and eventually they just stopped bothering. He was clearly upset about 'Sarah' but tried his best to act like he didn't give a damn. I tried to reassure him and stuff but now it just feels kind of weird :s
Tell him you're concerned that he's not happy. There could be several reasons why he's depressed and not just because of that girl.
Thanks, I've tried to help him, I've tried to make him feel better, told him to see a doctor, talk to his family, stop smoking weed, anything, but he won't listen :s
Contd: One thing is for sure, you'll never be happy and secure in this relationship if you're jealous of his relationship with 'Sarah'.
Hm, difficult...
I think I was that other girl with one friend of mine. He believed he was in love with me for something like 4 or 5 years before he started seeing his girlfriend, I was always only his friend and didn't return the feelings but we got on extremely well. We stayed friends during his relationship (slightly easier for her since we don't actually live in the same country) but weren't in contact that much because I knew it must have been tearing her up to know about me. She was very insecure and it was her first relationship, she believed she was undatable before him. They fell apart after a year or so although he adored her and desperately wanted her back because they weren't well suited to each other. She started cheating on him (suddenly found she was datable after all and could 'do better'). But that's besides the point, I still did feel for her since it's quite a heavy thing to have another girl who was clearly very important to your boyfriend in the background.
It was lame and insensitive of him to be liking pictures of her on Facebook while he was with you - but remember it was also only the very beginning of your relationship. When you first start seeing someone, you still basically have separate lives and aren't close enough yet to be aware of many things. When I first started seeing my current fiance it was during a time I had started talking to my close friend again (the one who was in love with me) and while my boyfriend was at my place he saw me sign off a message to him with something like 'stay well! love you'. I didn't think anything of it, he was going through a tough time and our friendship had just developed over the years to the point where we were like siblings who might not talk all the time but didn't need to. It was only once I'd been with my boyfriend a bit longer that I realised how uncomfortable that must have been for him, and although I'm still friends with infrequent catch-up contact I definitely never even think of say anything close to 'I love you' anymore. That's reserved solely for my fiance.
I don't know how much insight your boyfriend has, because if nothing ever happened between them - it's simply because they weren't right for each other and never would be, no matter how much he felt they were. This is what my friend came to understand, and since your boyfriend is with you I imagine he does too. Once you realise this, all the feelings really do dissolve. He's been with you for a couple of years now, this isn't just a 'trying to forget about the person I actually want' thing, you are his true partner that he suits, works well with and adores everything about. I seriously doubt he thinks of that girl in that way anymore.
You could try talking to him about it again, just to make him aware that you're feeling worried and insecure but be careful not to let it dominate your thinking and cause unnecessary arguments. Let him reassure you once more, explain that you understand it's probably irrational and there isn't much he can do about it since he's not even really friends with her anymore, but you thought it best you let it out rather than have it eat away at you. Maybe also suggest doing something special together, like bake a cake and watch a movie, go on a day trip etc. Maybe do something romantic and sweet for him, like arrange a surprise/make him a sentimental gift - I find that if I'm feeling insecure, making more effort in the relationship myself rather than just wanting him to eases away all my worries.
He's your boyfriend, and he seems a bit down right now for whatever reason, air your concerns so they don't eat you but then concentrate on being happy and having fun together! Celebrate what you have, because you are together. Don't let your time slip away worrying.
I think I was that other girl with one friend of mine. He believed he was in love with me for something like 4 or 5 years before he started seeing his girlfriend, I was always only his friend and didn't return the feelings but we got on extremely well. We stayed friends during his relationship (slightly easier for her since we don't actually live in the same country) but weren't in contact that much because I knew it must have been tearing her up to know about me. She was very insecure and it was her first relationship, she believed she was undatable before him. They fell apart after a year or so although he adored her and desperately wanted her back because they weren't well suited to each other. She started cheating on him (suddenly found she was datable after all and could 'do better'). But that's besides the point, I still did feel for her since it's quite a heavy thing to have another girl who was clearly very important to your boyfriend in the background.
It was lame and insensitive of him to be liking pictures of her on Facebook while he was with you - but remember it was also only the very beginning of your relationship. When you first start seeing someone, you still basically have separate lives and aren't close enough yet to be aware of many things. When I first started seeing my current fiance it was during a time I had started talking to my close friend again (the one who was in love with me) and while my boyfriend was at my place he saw me sign off a message to him with something like 'stay well! love you'. I didn't think anything of it, he was going through a tough time and our friendship had just developed over the years to the point where we were like siblings who might not talk all the time but didn't need to. It was only once I'd been with my boyfriend a bit longer that I realised how uncomfortable that must have been for him, and although I'm still friends with infrequent catch-up contact I definitely never even think of say anything close to 'I love you' anymore. That's reserved solely for my fiance.
I don't know how much insight your boyfriend has, because if nothing ever happened between them - it's simply because they weren't right for each other and never would be, no matter how much he felt they were. This is what my friend came to understand, and since your boyfriend is with you I imagine he does too. Once you realise this, all the feelings really do dissolve. He's been with you for a couple of years now, this isn't just a 'trying to forget about the person I actually want' thing, you are his true partner that he suits, works well with and adores everything about. I seriously doubt he thinks of that girl in that way anymore.
You could try talking to him about it again, just to make him aware that you're feeling worried and insecure but be careful not to let it dominate your thinking and cause unnecessary arguments. Let him reassure you once more, explain that you understand it's probably irrational and there isn't much he can do about it since he's not even really friends with her anymore, but you thought it best you let it out rather than have it eat away at you. Maybe also suggest doing something special together, like bake a cake and watch a movie, go on a day trip etc. Maybe do something romantic and sweet for him, like arrange a surprise/make him a sentimental gift - I find that if I'm feeling insecure, making more effort in the relationship myself rather than just wanting him to eases away all my worries.
He's your boyfriend, and he seems a bit down right now for whatever reason, air your concerns so they don't eat you but then concentrate on being happy and having fun together! Celebrate what you have, because you are together. Don't let your time slip away worrying.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks, I've tried to help him, I've tried to make him feel better, told him to see a doctor, talk to his family, stop smoking weed, anything, but he won't listen :s
That's a tough one. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. The best thing to do is not to enable this behaviour e.g. don't give him money as he can spend it to buy more weed.
Remember that this isn't your fault.
thanks for the replies. I often voice my concern about his mental state but he just tells me not to worry. I just keep feeling like he still liked her when he was dating me, (even if he would not have cheated, and she never confirmed her feelings to him) he tells me that they had nothing in common or that she's boring, yet he knew this for 3 years and it didn't stop him then. Last night I saw him looking at something on her facebook page too. I haven't yet mentioned this, but after they had stopped talking for a while, she went on holiday with a guy he didn't know, and I saw that he had been looking though this guy's pictures on facebook. Why would he care :s
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