He calls me fat, withholds sex and affection...
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Original post by TolerantBeing
You guys need to try and better understand the psychology behind this. I suggest you educate yourselves an read up on emotionally abusive relationships.
The OP knows that her relationship isn't right. That is why she made this thread. She also stopped going to see him for that reason. She went back. She hasn't said that her partner physically abuses her or mentally forces her to stay with him. She mentioned that he shouts, but not that she was frightened of him. She didn't mention having any ties with him; kids, house, etc.
She blames her poor decision making on being lonely and wanting intimacy. This can be achieved by finding another man. Plenty out there would treat her well. This guy is a dick for acting the way he is, but she is putting herself in this situation. She can easily take herself out of it.
I understand why some that have ties to men stay with them, but based on what she has written, she has none.
Original post by TolerantBeing
This is completely wrong.
Victims stay in abusive relationships not because they find being abused attractive but because it screws you up psychologically. You've honestly no idea.
Victims stay in abusive relationships not because they find being abused attractive but because it screws you up psychologically. You've honestly no idea.
I'm not saying she's staying in the relationship because she finds him attractive, I'm talking about before she had a dependency on him and how it got to the point where she did. After the dependency exists, then yeah obviously you have a dependency issue, but the question of how she got into that position is where the issue is. You don't want to be vulnerable to that happening and the way you do that is by having clear boundaries so you know when someone crosses the line.
Original post by TolerantBeing
Telling her to grow some self-respect will only make her feel worse about herself.
Do you think you are honestly helping her by telling her what she already knows without addressing the real issues? Even if she does break up with him, if she doesn't get a handle on this then some other guy could well come along and it could happen all over again. If you know about this subject as well as you imply that you do, you know there are reasons why women have perpetual abusive relationships - just telling her what she wants to hear is not the kind of advice that will help in the long-term.
Original post by Anonymous
I have been in an on/off tempestuous relationship for 4 years. The reason it is a rocky relationship is due to his anger, although he blames me for making him angry, and I have to admit sometimes I do think its my fault. He has a tendency to shout, although he says he is simply 'raising his voice', and he does this to his parents and me.
It is things like, if I get a crumb on the floor, don't wear the clothes he likes, don't put something in the bin or drawer the minute I'm finished with it...he goes crazy and starts shouting at me, telling me that 'he shouldn't have to tell me twice' he will regularly swear at me in public, and tell me off if I do something 'wrong'. I have never had real relationship except him and I honestly believe that I am irritating and would get on anyones nerve. But then it changed, and he started to call me fat and make comments about my body, giving me looks like I am something truly repulsive. I am a small size 10, but he would say that my legs were huge like a ham and that my love handles were horrible.
When I was doing my third year dissertation this year, I distanced myself from him and didn't go visit him (he lives 2.5 hours away and doesn't visit me). During this time he would keep messaging me asking me to go over. He said things like 'no girl is worth what you are' and 'I don't care what you have done. I want you to come see me'. I ignored it until lonliness got the better of me. I don't have many friends and now uni is over I have just been stuck in my house with a suffocating family.
I went back to see , and I'm ashamed to say that I was needy for intimacy and I thought he could give it to me, but he is worse than he ever was. Although he appears nice to me when his friends are there, in private its a different story. He never hugs me, holds my hand, kisses me, or says that he loves me. I feel something I have never felt before, which is neglect in affection. He withholds sex, but would gleefully tell me about his masturbatory sessions. When we did once have sex, he would not kiss me or even acknowledge me, and when I said 'I love you' in the heat of the moment, he made me feel terrible and embarrassed about it the next morning, I have never felt so ashamed. We would watch tv and he would say 'why don't you look like her?' I feel like if I became thin and hot, I would have a boyfriend who gave me affection and wanted to be with me. Even though my brain tells me that average looking girls can get love just as much as pretty ones, there is something inside me that tells me that maybe I am just not deserving of a mans love, like I am nothing.
If I left again, I know he would message me and I would end up going back. Or I would become so lonely and go back anyway, as being virtually friendless has caused me to think its better to be in an unhappy relationship that just be alone. Does anyone have any advice, or is there anyone I can talk to who has experienced something similar
It is things like, if I get a crumb on the floor, don't wear the clothes he likes, don't put something in the bin or drawer the minute I'm finished with it...he goes crazy and starts shouting at me, telling me that 'he shouldn't have to tell me twice' he will regularly swear at me in public, and tell me off if I do something 'wrong'. I have never had real relationship except him and I honestly believe that I am irritating and would get on anyones nerve. But then it changed, and he started to call me fat and make comments about my body, giving me looks like I am something truly repulsive. I am a small size 10, but he would say that my legs were huge like a ham and that my love handles were horrible.
When I was doing my third year dissertation this year, I distanced myself from him and didn't go visit him (he lives 2.5 hours away and doesn't visit me). During this time he would keep messaging me asking me to go over. He said things like 'no girl is worth what you are' and 'I don't care what you have done. I want you to come see me'. I ignored it until lonliness got the better of me. I don't have many friends and now uni is over I have just been stuck in my house with a suffocating family.
I went back to see , and I'm ashamed to say that I was needy for intimacy and I thought he could give it to me, but he is worse than he ever was. Although he appears nice to me when his friends are there, in private its a different story. He never hugs me, holds my hand, kisses me, or says that he loves me. I feel something I have never felt before, which is neglect in affection. He withholds sex, but would gleefully tell me about his masturbatory sessions. When we did once have sex, he would not kiss me or even acknowledge me, and when I said 'I love you' in the heat of the moment, he made me feel terrible and embarrassed about it the next morning, I have never felt so ashamed. We would watch tv and he would say 'why don't you look like her?' I feel like if I became thin and hot, I would have a boyfriend who gave me affection and wanted to be with me. Even though my brain tells me that average looking girls can get love just as much as pretty ones, there is something inside me that tells me that maybe I am just not deserving of a mans love, like I am nothing.
If I left again, I know he would message me and I would end up going back. Or I would become so lonely and go back anyway, as being virtually friendless has caused me to think its better to be in an unhappy relationship that just be alone. Does anyone have any advice, or is there anyone I can talk to who has experienced something similar
Right this is difficult, because you are obviously getting something you need from this relationship hence the fact you keep allowing him back into your life.
It's clear that you have self esteem issues for whatever reason that you need to work on, and whilst you are in this cycle of destruction that will not give you any breathing space to work on yourself, and most importantly taking care of yourself. I suspect that you also have some depression. You might not wish to admit that, but I would suggest that you make an appointment with a doctor or nurse practitioner.
You can't carry on this way, well you can but I ask you to look at what you think your future is with this person? Realistically. If he hasn't changed in the time you have known him, then he won't, he certainly has no motivation to change, because he has you on tap and you my dear are worth considerably more than that.
You need to be selfish. This is about you. I have been in this situation, I've waited evenings, will he turn up, won't he, will the next car be his. Every action and gift (and they were truly crap gifts were for show to his friends to show how "the big I am" he was). He wanted it all back, and I gladly gave it back, it was cheap anyway.
DO NOT RESPOND TO HIS TEXTS, BLOCK HIM! Unless you have a child with him; a joint back account; or incriminating photographs (and that can be dealt with), YOU CAN WALK AWAY!
Re the sex... have you never been to Ann Summers? My dear, you don't need to have a drought in that direction, plus they come in all colours (pun intended!)
You aren't really lonely, you never are, you have yourself. It doesn't matter if you don't have millions of FB friends you've never met and never will; popularity is way overrated, it makes you late for meetings!
Anyway, I want you to seriously think about yourself and what YOU want. You were born for a reason and that reason was not to be his doormat, you're still very young, it may seem like this is the only person who will ever love you. I have to tell you, you are wrong.
There are decent men who know how treat a woman with respect out there and there is one waiting for you. Your mission, should you wish to accept this is to make yourself ready for that person, not become cynical and hard and a man-hater because of idiotboy (that is his loss), but to work on yourself feel wonderful about you. That might mean going to doctor as I've said, getting a part time job, moving away, doing some volunteering, starting a mad hobby, starting a business, change hair style (and by that something YOU want).
The final rule to this is that you listen to YOU, and ONLY YOU. Don't process any negatives such as "I'm too this or not this", if you want it and can afford to do it, then do it.
I would say exactly the same thing to a guy if his girlfriend was treating him this way, you have a choice.
Good luck.
You're seeking to find something or replace something that is missing in your life, with this loser of a guy.
You come across as being insecure and lonely, and craving affection.
Until you address these issues, you may very well keep repeating the same mistakes of allowing someone to manipulate you and abuse you, all in this quest of seeking affection. But you know deep down this guy isn't going to make you happy, or give you the type of affection you crave.
Everyone here, including yourself, knows that you deserve a hell of a lot more than what you're currently putting yourself through.
But most importantly, you need to view yourself as a strong, independent woman. You need to find ways to appreciate your self-worth and self-respect, and that is a long process.
Please get out of this relationship - it will be hard, but it will NOT be the end of the world.
If you need a friend, PM me.
You come across as being insecure and lonely, and craving affection.
Until you address these issues, you may very well keep repeating the same mistakes of allowing someone to manipulate you and abuse you, all in this quest of seeking affection. But you know deep down this guy isn't going to make you happy, or give you the type of affection you crave.
Everyone here, including yourself, knows that you deserve a hell of a lot more than what you're currently putting yourself through.
But most importantly, you need to view yourself as a strong, independent woman. You need to find ways to appreciate your self-worth and self-respect, and that is a long process.
Please get out of this relationship - it will be hard, but it will NOT be the end of the world.
If you need a friend, PM me.
You are in an abusive relationship and need to leave him as soon as you can, abusive doesn't have to be physical
http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/faq/view/7/am-i-abusive
You are perfect the way you are and someone will come along and put this guy to shame.
Good luck love x
http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/faq/view/7/am-i-abusive
Abusive behaviour can be:
• violent (hitting, kicking, slapping)
• emotional (humiliating and putting you down)
• sexual (forcing you to do sexual acts you don’t want to)
Abusive relationships can start with verbal or emotional abuse and could happen to anyone (including those in same-sex relationships). It can often escalate into physical abuse, by which time your self-esteem is likely to be damaged.
Some warning signs of potential violence and abusive behaviour are:
• extreme jealousy
• anger when you want to spend time with your friends
• isolating you from friends and family
• trying to control your life (how you dress, who you hang out with and what you say)
• humiliating you, putting you down
• threatening to harm you or to self–harm if you leave them
• demanding to know where you are all the time
• monitoring your calls and emails, threatening you if you don’t respond instantly
• excessive alcohol drinking and drug use
• explosive anger
• using force during an argument
• blaming others for his/her problems or feelings
• being verbally abusive
• threatening behaviour towards others
• pressuring you to send sexual texts and images of yourself
• someone sharing any sexual text and images of you with their mates
• violent (hitting, kicking, slapping)
• emotional (humiliating and putting you down)
• sexual (forcing you to do sexual acts you don’t want to)
Abusive relationships can start with verbal or emotional abuse and could happen to anyone (including those in same-sex relationships). It can often escalate into physical abuse, by which time your self-esteem is likely to be damaged.
Some warning signs of potential violence and abusive behaviour are:
• extreme jealousy
• anger when you want to spend time with your friends
• isolating you from friends and family
• trying to control your life (how you dress, who you hang out with and what you say)
• humiliating you, putting you down
• threatening to harm you or to self–harm if you leave them
• demanding to know where you are all the time
• monitoring your calls and emails, threatening you if you don’t respond instantly
• excessive alcohol drinking and drug use
• explosive anger
• using force during an argument
• blaming others for his/her problems or feelings
• being verbally abusive
• threatening behaviour towards others
• pressuring you to send sexual texts and images of yourself
• someone sharing any sexual text and images of you with their mates
You are perfect the way you are and someone will come along and put this guy to shame.
Good luck love x
Original post by TolerantBeing
You guys need to try and better understand the psychology behind this. I suggest you educate yourselves an read up on emotionally abusive relationships.
I am sure the psychology behind it is complicated, but the solution remains simple. Or do you not think leaving him is her best option?
Original post by lucaf
I am sure the psychology behind it is complicated, but the solution remains simple. Or do you not think leaving him is her best option?
Of course it's the best option. Whilst the solution remains simple to you, do you think it's actually that simple for her?
First off dont think its your fault, and dont think you're "fat" or anything ok! My advice would be call a helpline that deals with things like this, just simply call a number and you dont even need to say your name or anything just tell them your situation and get the advice needed. No guy should treat a women like that full stop. If you need someone to talk to who you dont really know message me 
Original post by TolerantBeing
Of course it's the best option. Whilst the solution remains simple to you, do you think it's actually that simple for her?
Simple, yes. Easy, no. Would be quite difficult to do, but it isn't exactly complicated.
FFS, there are so many nice guys out there who don't pressure women and are single because of it. Get out now, talk to guys who are nice to you, don't be with someone who takes you for granted or treats you poorly...
Original post by MatthewJoeCarr
FFS, there are so many nice guys out there who don't pressure women and are single because of it. Get out now, talk to guys who are nice to you, don't be with someone who takes you for granted or treats you poorly...
To be fair many abusive people can come across as nice as anyone at first...
Original post by TolerantBeing
To be fair many abusive people can come across as nice as anyone at first...
Then when they turn, leave...
Original post by TolerantBeing
It's a lot more complicated than that I'm afraid. In abusive relationships the abuser degrades you continuously until you feel like you are completely unworthy, you deserve to be treated as such (because it's your fault) and so you'll never find someone else. Because who would want you? They make you feel completely dependent on the abusive partner.
Emotional abuse can really **** you up psychologically. And she really doesn't need people like you to judge her.
Emotional abuse can really **** you up psychologically. And she really doesn't need people like you to judge her.
Okay. What do you want me to say then. Oh just get over it, he'll get better, just stay in the relationship and deal with it? I didn't know telling someone to get out of a relationship was considered "judging". Quit judging yourself and understand that this is serious and she needs to be strong enough to leave him, regardless of how much he's messed up her up psychologically. There are bad people out there, yes, but what she needs to do is stand up against them, not make up excuses as to why she should stay.
I never said it was easy. I understand it's hard. But we're adults, we need to pick ourselves up and walk away from the people who bring us down, otherwise we'll get nowhere in life. Unfortunately this happens all over the world, seen it with my own eyes, and the abused need to start standing up against their abusers, that's all there is to it.
Original post by iEatMuFFiNS
I was approaching from a health perspective rather than a placate boyfriend perspective..
In that case you shouldn't be posting in this thread, because this is about her relationship not her health.
Next time don't give advice you're not sure of. Telling someone in an abusive relationship they need to lose weight to solve it is the worst possible thing you could advise her to do, next to staying in the relationship and waiting till he changes.
Original post by Anonymous
If I left again, I know he would message me and I would end up going back. Or I would become so lonely and go back anyway, as being virtually friendless has caused me to think its better to be in an unhappy relationship that just be alone.
Yeah that sounds logical.
My advice: move abroad. It will make it physically difficult for you to go back to him.
Original post by BarBaBaBaBarBaBaBa
In that case you shouldn't be posting in this thread, because this is about her relationship not her health.
Next time don't give advice you're not sure of. Telling someone in an abusive relationship they need to lose weight to solve it is the worst possible thing you could advise her to do, next to staying in the relationship and waiting till he changes.
Next time don't give advice you're not sure of. Telling someone in an abusive relationship they need to lose weight to solve it is the worst possible thing you could advise her to do, next to staying in the relationship and waiting till he changes.
Apparently weight has been made part of the relationship by one or both of them, and mentioned here by the OP therefore it can be discussed.
I was sure of my advice: in fact it was sound advice. I never said losing weight would solve the problem at all (don't know where you got that idea from, or the notion that any one person here could solve it)
Original post by iEatMuFFiNS
Apparently weight has been made part of the relationship by one or both of them, and mentioned here by the OP therefore it can be discussed.
I was sure of my advice: in fact it was sound advice. I never said losing weight would solve the problem at all (don't know where you got that idea from, or the notion that any one person here could solve it)
I was sure of my advice: in fact it was sound advice. I never said losing weight would solve the problem at all (don't know where you got that idea from, or the notion that any one person here could solve it)
Yup, it's been made part of the relationship by the abuser, who probably is just using it as an excuse to make her feel like dirt. I say again, I've seen this with my own eyes and I can pretty much guarantee this is the case. He is NOT treating her like this because of her weight.
Okay, but by mentioning it, you did make the assumption that it could solve the problem, because the OP is after all looking for a solution for her problem. So if you're not here to provide a solution, then I suggest I take your useless advice elsewhere.
Original post by BarBaBaBaBarBaBaBa
Yup, it's been made part of the relationship by the abuser, who probably is just using it as an excuse to make her feel like dirt. I say again, I've seen this with my own eyes and I can pretty much guarantee this is the case. He is NOT treating her like this because of her weight.
Okay, but by mentioning it, you did make the assumption that it could solve the problem, because the OP is after all looking for a solution for her problem. So if you're not here to provide a solution, then I suggest I take your useless advice elsewhere.
Okay, but by mentioning it, you did make the assumption that it could solve the problem, because the OP is after all looking for a solution for her problem. So if you're not here to provide a solution, then I suggest I take your useless advice elsewhere.
Oh my god why do you keep labouring the same points over and over, just move on. I get it you think my advice is useless you've said it enough times.. Now you can stop. Your advice and constant whining just makes me want to BarBaBaBaBarBaBaBarf!
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