Can you be just friends with a girl you have feelings for?
About 1 year ago confessed to a close female friend of mine that I had feelings for her. She said you know I have a boyfriend, I love him very much. I’m sorry.
I said I'm sorry.
I didn't want to lose her as a friend because I really liked her as a friend as well so I tried to be optimistic and thought ‘well I'm not going to let this stop us from being good friends!’
A week later things went back to normal and we talked as if nothing happened that day.
I tried to move on and keep myself busy with other things. I won't lie that I've moved on from her; deep down I still love her.
Just a little bit of background info about her boyfriend. He lives in another country. They have been talking for 4 years. It's a long distance relationship. Her mum doesn’t know of the boyfriend.
Her plan is to tell her family about him in 2 years (when she finishes university). She wants to marry him.
She has met the guy only once, which was in September (2013). The first time she met him, she was in her country, at a concert, and he came over and gave her his number. And last year, she went to Turkey and met her bf once, they talked and she said that they kissed too (nothing more). They talk via skype mostly.
So, now that you have the background story, should I even be open to the idea we would ever be with her? It sounds selfish, I know, to still think about that even when she has a boyfriend, but I can't stop. I really don't want to ignore her because, like I said, I really enjoy her company as a friend too. I find it somewhat wrong just to talk to a girl just to date, and then throw away her friendship she offers after you confess to her. I try to accept the fact she rejected me and really doesn't like me that way, but sometimes I feel like maybe things might change.
I pretty much see her every day as we share the same classes. We mostly hang out together at uni. We have a great connection and it feels great to talk to her.
Lately, I’ve been feeling rather sad about the whole thing because my feelings for her have become stronger and I don’t know how to handle it. I really don’t want to stop being friends with her. It will be too awkward and I know she really likes me as a friend. That being said, I feel a bit overwhelmed by this whole unrequited love situation and it’s really making me feel terrible.
Also a couple of other points:
1. I sometimes get jealous when I see her talking to her other guy friends. How do I stop feeling like this?
2. Lately, all I can think about is her.
3. I get upset easily when it comes to her. I hate when we have any arguments, I don't handle it well.
4. I think I am clingy and maybe too attached to her.
Any advice?
I am really upset right now
I said I'm sorry.
I didn't want to lose her as a friend because I really liked her as a friend as well so I tried to be optimistic and thought ‘well I'm not going to let this stop us from being good friends!’
A week later things went back to normal and we talked as if nothing happened that day.
I tried to move on and keep myself busy with other things. I won't lie that I've moved on from her; deep down I still love her.
Just a little bit of background info about her boyfriend. He lives in another country. They have been talking for 4 years. It's a long distance relationship. Her mum doesn’t know of the boyfriend.
Her plan is to tell her family about him in 2 years (when she finishes university). She wants to marry him.
She has met the guy only once, which was in September (2013). The first time she met him, she was in her country, at a concert, and he came over and gave her his number. And last year, she went to Turkey and met her bf once, they talked and she said that they kissed too (nothing more). They talk via skype mostly.
So, now that you have the background story, should I even be open to the idea we would ever be with her? It sounds selfish, I know, to still think about that even when she has a boyfriend, but I can't stop. I really don't want to ignore her because, like I said, I really enjoy her company as a friend too. I find it somewhat wrong just to talk to a girl just to date, and then throw away her friendship she offers after you confess to her. I try to accept the fact she rejected me and really doesn't like me that way, but sometimes I feel like maybe things might change.
I pretty much see her every day as we share the same classes. We mostly hang out together at uni. We have a great connection and it feels great to talk to her.
Lately, I’ve been feeling rather sad about the whole thing because my feelings for her have become stronger and I don’t know how to handle it. I really don’t want to stop being friends with her. It will be too awkward and I know she really likes me as a friend. That being said, I feel a bit overwhelmed by this whole unrequited love situation and it’s really making me feel terrible.
Also a couple of other points:
1. I sometimes get jealous when I see her talking to her other guy friends. How do I stop feeling like this?
2. Lately, all I can think about is her.
3. I get upset easily when it comes to her. I hate when we have any arguments, I don't handle it well.
4. I think I am clingy and maybe too attached to her.
Any advice?
I am really upset right now
Short answer: no. As you can see, things can become awkward pretty quickly.
Of course there's a possibility that you and her might enter into a relationship one day. But her relationship with this other man sounds quite serious, so there is a strong possibility that she and him won't break up and you and her won't be together.
Maybe if you focus on your work and your relationships with other friends (and make some new friends too), it will take your mind off of her a wee bit? And try telling yourself that she's happy with this other guy. I know it's hard, but you can do it. I'm sorry I can't help you anymore, but I hope you cheer up soon. You deserve to move on.
Maybe if you focus on your work and your relationships with other friends (and make some new friends too), it will take your mind off of her a wee bit? And try telling yourself that she's happy with this other guy. I know it's hard, but you can do it. I'm sorry I can't help you anymore, but I hope you cheer up soon. You deserve to move on.
No I don't think so. Generally I prefer to have unattractive female friends or friends that I don't feel anything for. If I end up wanting more I end the friendship. Works well for me as I have enough friends. You've got to be ruthless. Cut your losses, the thought of being mates with a girl I wanted as my gf would be soul destroying.
The biggest issue here is that she's in a relationship and you're hung up on the idea that one day that relationship might end and you'll have a shot at her. It's understandable because of the seeming fragile nature of it, but that sort of thinking leads to clinginess, uncertainty and stress, all of which feed each other.
From my own experience, this is something you really don't want any part of. You should think of this relationship as being permanent, and that she's off limits in that regard - it might change in the future, but that's something to consider if and when it happens, and not now. The uncertainty that comes from pining for a close friend that's already taken, will actually make you seem to "need" her more so than if you were actually together with her, and in the meantime you're closing yourself off to other opportunities in life (and not just other relationship possibilities) because you can't see anything other than her. What's worse is you could actually end up unintentionally messing with their relationship, and that can have all sorts of rubbish consequences.
Personally I wouldn't recommend the "cut her out of your life" approach, though it is a valid strategy and others would. I'd suggest that you make a concerted effort to reduce how much you cling to her. Give her space more often when you're in the same place, and do your own thing if in a group. When apart, try not to think of her all the time and don't hang on every text she sends (or whatever method you use!). Also, try not to make her schedule your schedule - the more recreational stuff that you do off your own back, the less you rely on her. IMO, downing the clinginess goes a long way towards your own stability, making the whole situation less of a problem, and ultimately getting over someone.
From my own experience, this is something you really don't want any part of. You should think of this relationship as being permanent, and that she's off limits in that regard - it might change in the future, but that's something to consider if and when it happens, and not now. The uncertainty that comes from pining for a close friend that's already taken, will actually make you seem to "need" her more so than if you were actually together with her, and in the meantime you're closing yourself off to other opportunities in life (and not just other relationship possibilities) because you can't see anything other than her. What's worse is you could actually end up unintentionally messing with their relationship, and that can have all sorts of rubbish consequences.
Personally I wouldn't recommend the "cut her out of your life" approach, though it is a valid strategy and others would. I'd suggest that you make a concerted effort to reduce how much you cling to her. Give her space more often when you're in the same place, and do your own thing if in a group. When apart, try not to think of her all the time and don't hang on every text she sends (or whatever method you use!). Also, try not to make her schedule your schedule - the more recreational stuff that you do off your own back, the less you rely on her. IMO, downing the clinginess goes a long way towards your own stability, making the whole situation less of a problem, and ultimately getting over someone.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by believeteam22
long ting
long ting
My take is that if you find someone that is perfect for you, and I mean absolutely perfect for you, long-term, don't worry about the friendship aspect of it - just try your best to be with her.
Basically, you'll either succeed or you'll fail and in failing you may even ruin the friendship but what kind of friendship is that? You see her everyday making someone else happy and making you sad...that is not a friendship, that is torture to me.
She sounds insane. Run like the wind.
Original post by believeteam22
About 1 year ago confessed to a close female friend of mine that I had feelings for her. She said you know I have a boyfriend, I love him very much. I’m sorry.
I said I'm sorry.
I didn't want to lose her as a friend because I really liked her as a friend as well so I tried to be optimistic and thought ‘well I'm not going to let this stop us from being good friends!’
A week later things went back to normal and we talked as if nothing happened that day.
I tried to move on and keep myself busy with other things. I won't lie that I've moved on from her; deep down I still love her.
Just a little bit of background info about her boyfriend. He lives in another country. They have been talking for 4 years. It's a long distance relationship. Her mum doesn’t know of the boyfriend.
Her plan is to tell her family about him in 2 years (when she finishes university). She wants to marry him.
She has met the guy only once, which was in September (2013). The first time she met him, she was in her country, at a concert, and he came over and gave her his number. And last year, she went to Turkey and met her bf once, they talked and she said that they kissed too (nothing more). They talk via skype mostly.
So, now that you have the background story, should I even be open to the idea we would ever be with her? It sounds selfish, I know, to still think about that even when she has a boyfriend, but I can't stop. I really don't want to ignore her because, like I said, I really enjoy her company as a friend too. I find it somewhat wrong just to talk to a girl just to date, and then throw away her friendship she offers after you confess to her. I try to accept the fact she rejected me and really doesn't like me that way, but sometimes I feel like maybe things might change.
I pretty much see her every day as we share the same classes. We mostly hang out together at uni. We have a great connection and it feels great to talk to her.
Lately, I’ve been feeling rather sad about the whole thing because my feelings for her have become stronger and I don’t know how to handle it. I really don’t want to stop being friends with her. It will be too awkward and I know she really likes me as a friend. That being said, I feel a bit overwhelmed by this whole unrequited love situation and it’s really making me feel terrible.
Also a couple of other points:
1. I sometimes get jealous when I see her talking to her other guy friends. How do I stop feeling like this?
2. Lately, all I can think about is her.
3. I get upset easily when it comes to her. I hate when we have any arguments, I don't handle it well.
4. I think I am clingy and maybe too attached to her.
Any advice?
I am really upset right now
I said I'm sorry.
I didn't want to lose her as a friend because I really liked her as a friend as well so I tried to be optimistic and thought ‘well I'm not going to let this stop us from being good friends!’
A week later things went back to normal and we talked as if nothing happened that day.
I tried to move on and keep myself busy with other things. I won't lie that I've moved on from her; deep down I still love her.
Just a little bit of background info about her boyfriend. He lives in another country. They have been talking for 4 years. It's a long distance relationship. Her mum doesn’t know of the boyfriend.
Her plan is to tell her family about him in 2 years (when she finishes university). She wants to marry him.
She has met the guy only once, which was in September (2013). The first time she met him, she was in her country, at a concert, and he came over and gave her his number. And last year, she went to Turkey and met her bf once, they talked and she said that they kissed too (nothing more). They talk via skype mostly.
So, now that you have the background story, should I even be open to the idea we would ever be with her? It sounds selfish, I know, to still think about that even when she has a boyfriend, but I can't stop. I really don't want to ignore her because, like I said, I really enjoy her company as a friend too. I find it somewhat wrong just to talk to a girl just to date, and then throw away her friendship she offers after you confess to her. I try to accept the fact she rejected me and really doesn't like me that way, but sometimes I feel like maybe things might change.
I pretty much see her every day as we share the same classes. We mostly hang out together at uni. We have a great connection and it feels great to talk to her.
Lately, I’ve been feeling rather sad about the whole thing because my feelings for her have become stronger and I don’t know how to handle it. I really don’t want to stop being friends with her. It will be too awkward and I know she really likes me as a friend. That being said, I feel a bit overwhelmed by this whole unrequited love situation and it’s really making me feel terrible.
Also a couple of other points:
1. I sometimes get jealous when I see her talking to her other guy friends. How do I stop feeling like this?
2. Lately, all I can think about is her.
3. I get upset easily when it comes to her. I hate when we have any arguments, I don't handle it well.
4. I think I am clingy and maybe too attached to her.
Any advice?
I am really upset right now
It is possible to just be friends with someone you have feelings for, but it takes immense self-control and is very very hard work, at times.
Yes I'm friends with one atm even though I know nothing will happen as she wants kids/still has feelings for an ex/doesn't find me physically attractive.
Done this before for a year. Nothing came of it. You can, but you have to accept that she might stay with him forever. You're obviously not happy just being a friend, so I suggest that you end the relationship.
Friends? Yes. Best friends? No.
Too much time and self investment goes with best friends and that wouldn't be a good thing for you.
Too much time and self investment goes with best friends and that wouldn't be a good thing for you.
Original post by steadmusic
Friends? Yes. Best friends? No.
Too much time and self investment goes with best friends and that wouldn't be a good thing for you.
Too much time and self investment goes with best friends and that wouldn't be a good thing for you.
This. I would distance myself from her if I were you.
how come you were like a girl? guy, be strong, we don't beg for love or anything else from a girl who does not have feelings for us. Stay awake, keep cool. There should be lots of girls out there that suit you more (even like a friend)
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