Breaking up with someone you care for deeply
I feel like my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend has ran its course. On my end, at least.
On the surface, there's nothing obviously wrong with us -- we still get along really well, and the sex is amazing.
Despite all of that, now I'm at University (he is too, but at a different one) I'm starting to occasionally look at other guys, and to be honest at this stage of my life -- despite everything above -- I really don't want any commitments. That doesn't mean I'm itching to go sleeping around, however. Far from it.
So I've decided that now's the time to end our relationship.
Even though I know it needs to be done, I can't actually bring myself to do it. I still love him, and it'll kill him -- and as a consequence, me -- when I tell him we're over. A few weeks ago, I mentioned the fact that we don't really seem as compatible as we used to -- not intending to dump him, just trying to be open -- and he took it as a sign that I was dumping him, and almost completely broke down. I can't bear to see him like that but even worse.
I'm in a mess. I really do love him, and I'm terrified of hurting him. How can I let him down in the gentlest possible way? Also, because his University is ~150 miles away, I'll have to get the train down to go and see him. What's the best way of letting him know I'm coming for a "surprise visit" without completely giving it away?
On the surface, there's nothing obviously wrong with us -- we still get along really well, and the sex is amazing.
Despite all of that, now I'm at University (he is too, but at a different one) I'm starting to occasionally look at other guys, and to be honest at this stage of my life -- despite everything above -- I really don't want any commitments. That doesn't mean I'm itching to go sleeping around, however. Far from it.
So I've decided that now's the time to end our relationship.
Even though I know it needs to be done, I can't actually bring myself to do it. I still love him, and it'll kill him -- and as a consequence, me -- when I tell him we're over. A few weeks ago, I mentioned the fact that we don't really seem as compatible as we used to -- not intending to dump him, just trying to be open -- and he took it as a sign that I was dumping him, and almost completely broke down. I can't bear to see him like that but even worse.
I'm in a mess. I really do love him, and I'm terrified of hurting him. How can I let him down in the gentlest possible way? Also, because his University is ~150 miles away, I'll have to get the train down to go and see him. What's the best way of letting him know I'm coming for a "surprise visit" without completely giving it away?
Bump
Original post by Anonymous
I feel like my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend has ran its course. On my end, at least.
On the surface, there's nothing obviously wrong with us -- we still get along really well, and the sex is amazing.
Despite all of that, now I'm at University (he is too, but at a different one) I'm starting to occasionally look at other guys, and to be honest at this stage of my life -- despite everything above -- I really don't want any commitments. That doesn't mean I'm itching to go sleeping around, however. Far from it.
So I've decided that now's the time to end our relationship.
Even though I know it needs to be done, I can't actually bring myself to do it. I still love him, and it'll kill him -- and as a consequence, me -- when I tell him we're over. A few weeks ago, I mentioned the fact that we don't really seem as compatible as we used to -- not intending to dump him, just trying to be open -- and he took it as a sign that I was dumping him, and almost completely broke down. I can't bear to see him like that but even worse.
I'm in a mess. I really do love him, and I'm terrified of hurting him. How can I let him down in the gentlest possible way? Also, because his University is ~150 miles away, I'll have to get the train down to go and see him. What's the best way of letting him know I'm coming for a "surprise visit" without completely giving it away?
On the surface, there's nothing obviously wrong with us -- we still get along really well, and the sex is amazing.
Despite all of that, now I'm at University (he is too, but at a different one) I'm starting to occasionally look at other guys, and to be honest at this stage of my life -- despite everything above -- I really don't want any commitments. That doesn't mean I'm itching to go sleeping around, however. Far from it.
So I've decided that now's the time to end our relationship.
Even though I know it needs to be done, I can't actually bring myself to do it. I still love him, and it'll kill him -- and as a consequence, me -- when I tell him we're over. A few weeks ago, I mentioned the fact that we don't really seem as compatible as we used to -- not intending to dump him, just trying to be open -- and he took it as a sign that I was dumping him, and almost completely broke down. I can't bear to see him like that but even worse.
I'm in a mess. I really do love him, and I'm terrified of hurting him. How can I let him down in the gentlest possible way? Also, because his University is ~150 miles away, I'll have to get the train down to go and see him. What's the best way of letting him know I'm coming for a "surprise visit" without completely giving it away?
Sounds like emotional blackmail by boyfriend.
Otoh .... sometimes when you are apart and start experiencing new things separately you may think or feel you are growing apart but that is not necessarily so.
You'd rather end it with him if you feel that way, as opposed to leading him onto think everything is roses.
I'm sure he'll respect you for letting him know because ending it with him takes loads of courage. Also, I'm sure he's respect the fact that you didn't continue to mislead him.
It's the best thing to do. Do you think he would appreciate and be happy that you're still with him, or would you rather make him aware that you no longer want to be with him and give him a decent sense of closure?
The choice is yours, but the advice is there for you.
Best of luck!
Posted from TSR Mobile
I'm sure he'll respect you for letting him know because ending it with him takes loads of courage. Also, I'm sure he's respect the fact that you didn't continue to mislead him.
It's the best thing to do. Do you think he would appreciate and be happy that you're still with him, or would you rather make him aware that you no longer want to be with him and give him a decent sense of closure?
The choice is yours, but the advice is there for you.
Best of luck!
Posted from TSR Mobile
Why don't you just let things end gradually? You've already got the excuse of the distance. Just start seeing him less and less, don't return his calls as often etc. Hopefully he will get the message. If you don't want the relationship to continue, that's your prerogative. Don't let emotional blackmail stop you. He'll survive.
I came to uni with a boyfriend who I loved dearly, and to be fair I never felt any of this, but when we broke up last February due to him ending things ive found it hard to have a boyfriend at uni myself now, I get what you mean about the no attachment bit right now also. it's a huge change going to uni meeting new people, and to be honest you do not at all prepare yourself for what you do get.
as much as it may hurt him, you need to finish things. yes you've been together 3 years, but you're incredibly far apart being in two different uni's because every uni makes you feel differently. maybe you just need time to yourself? don't feel bad for that, time to yourself is awesome! embrace it
. just don't feel bad for going with how you feel about something, you shouldn't stay in something your not happy with, this applies to relationships and anything else. go with your gut. for you.
Posted from TSR Mobile
as much as it may hurt him, you need to finish things. yes you've been together 3 years, but you're incredibly far apart being in two different uni's because every uni makes you feel differently. maybe you just need time to yourself? don't feel bad for that, time to yourself is awesome! embrace it
. just don't feel bad for going with how you feel about something, you shouldn't stay in something your not happy with, this applies to relationships and anything else. go with your gut. for you. Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by charlottedonny
I came to uni with a boyfriend who I loved dearly, and to be fair I never felt any of this, but when we broke up last February due to him ending things ive found it hard to have a boyfriend at uni myself now, I get what you mean about the no attachment bit right now also. it's a huge change going to uni meeting new people, and to be honest you do not at all prepare yourself for what you do get.
as much as it may hurt him, you need to finish things. yes you've been together 3 years, but you're incredibly far apart being in two different uni's because every uni makes you feel differently. maybe you just need time to yourself? don't feel bad for that, time to yourself is awesome! embrace it. just don't feel bad for going with how you feel about something, you shouldn't stay in something your not happy with, this applies to relationships and anything else. go with your gut. for you.
Posted from TSR Mobile
as much as it may hurt him, you need to finish things. yes you've been together 3 years, but you're incredibly far apart being in two different uni's because every uni makes you feel differently. maybe you just need time to yourself? don't feel bad for that, time to yourself is awesome! embrace it
. just don't feel bad for going with how you feel about something, you shouldn't stay in something your not happy with, this applies to relationships and anything else. go with your gut. for you. Posted from TSR Mobile
Thanks for the reply! Yeah I totally get you about the being single at uni thing.
Does anyone have any advice for getting him to meet me near his uni? Because it isn't close by, I'll have to let him know I'm coming in advance so he's actually there when I get there.
When I send the text, I don't want to come across too distant -- thereby pretty much giving the game away -- but on the other hand I'll feel horrible getting him excited for a surprise visit only to ruin his day when I get there.
God, I feel horrible.
When I send the text, I don't want to come across too distant -- thereby pretty much giving the game away -- but on the other hand I'll feel horrible getting him excited for a surprise visit only to ruin his day when I get there.
God, I feel horrible.
I understand completely. I was in a similar situation recently.
These things are tricky, to the other party the reasons are just never good enough. Make like Nike and just do it.
Tell him the truth. Hurt feelings are inevitable, but you never know, he might totally be on board with what you're saying
You have to also understand that he might get feelings of hate and insecurity. Put yourself in his shoes though, he might get doubts in other long term relationships as there's nothing obvious he can tell he's doing wrong.
I'd say try highlight the fact that you get along well with him and you still want him in your life - I assuming, correct me if I'm wrong.
good luck
These things are tricky, to the other party the reasons are just never good enough. Make like Nike and just do it.
Tell him the truth. Hurt feelings are inevitable, but you never know, he might totally be on board with what you're saying
You have to also understand that he might get feelings of hate and insecurity. Put yourself in his shoes though, he might get doubts in other long term relationships as there's nothing obvious he can tell he's doing wrong.
I'd say try highlight the fact that you get along well with him and you still want him in your life - I assuming, correct me if I'm wrong.
good luck
Original post by Veggiechic6
Why don't you just let things end gradually? You've already got the excuse of the distance. Just start seeing him less and less, don't return his calls as often etc. Hopefully he will get the message. If you don't want the relationship to continue, that's your prerogative. Don't let emotional blackmail stop you. He'll survive.
I think this is a good idea. By the time you need to do the deed it would have almost reached a natural ending so it will be both easy and amicable.
Original post by Anonymous
Does anyone have any advice for getting him to meet me near his uni? Because it isn't close by, I'll have to let him know I'm coming in advance so he's actually there when I get there.
When I send the text, I don't want to come across too distant -- thereby pretty much giving the game away -- but on the other hand I'll feel horrible getting him excited for a surprise visit only to ruin his day when I get there.
God, I feel horrible.
When I send the text, I don't want to come across too distant -- thereby pretty much giving the game away -- but on the other hand I'll feel horrible getting him excited for a surprise visit only to ruin his day when I get there.
God, I feel horrible.
I'd say tell him that you need to talk to him about what you said a few weeks earlier. Might hurt his feelings less if he has an idea and can steel himself up.
Sounds like a heart wrenching situation. I think seeing him in person is the honourable thing to do. There is no way to make it easy, you just have to be truthful and compassionate, avoiding platitudes. The distance you live apart will help afterwards. I think an extended period of the relationship going off the boil is more hurtful and damaging than the split. See if you can savage a friendship once the dust has settled. Good luck.
Same situation.
Original post by Anonymous
I feel like my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend has ran its course. On my end, at least.
On the surface, there's nothing obviously wrong with us -- we still get along really well, and the sex is amazing.
Despite all of that, now I'm at University (he is too, but at a different one) I'm starting to occasionally look at other guys, and to be honest at this stage of my life -- despite everything above -- I really don't want any commitments. That doesn't mean I'm itching to go sleeping around, however. Far from it.
So I've decided that now's the time to end our relationship.
Even though I know it needs to be done, I can't actually bring myself to do it. I still love him, and it'll kill him -- and as a consequence, me -- when I tell him we're over. A few weeks ago, I mentioned the fact that we don't really seem as compatible as we used to -- not intending to dump him, just trying to be open -- and he took it as a sign that I was dumping him, and almost completely broke down. I can't bear to see him like that but even worse.
I'm in a mess. I really do love him, and I'm terrified of hurting him. How can I let him down in the gentlest possible way? Also, because his University is ~150 miles away, I'll have to get the train down to go and see him. What's the best way of letting him know I'm coming for a "surprise visit" without completely giving it away?
On the surface, there's nothing obviously wrong with us -- we still get along really well, and the sex is amazing.
Despite all of that, now I'm at University (he is too, but at a different one) I'm starting to occasionally look at other guys, and to be honest at this stage of my life -- despite everything above -- I really don't want any commitments. That doesn't mean I'm itching to go sleeping around, however. Far from it.
So I've decided that now's the time to end our relationship.
Even though I know it needs to be done, I can't actually bring myself to do it. I still love him, and it'll kill him -- and as a consequence, me -- when I tell him we're over. A few weeks ago, I mentioned the fact that we don't really seem as compatible as we used to -- not intending to dump him, just trying to be open -- and he took it as a sign that I was dumping him, and almost completely broke down. I can't bear to see him like that but even worse.
I'm in a mess. I really do love him, and I'm terrified of hurting him. How can I let him down in the gentlest possible way? Also, because his University is ~150 miles away, I'll have to get the train down to go and see him. What's the best way of letting him know I'm coming for a "surprise visit" without completely giving it away?
Helen?? o_O
I wouldn't tell him face to face if I were you. I know it's a respectable thing to do, but here are some reasons why it wouldn't be wise:
1. In person he make make you change your mind.
2. You can't escape if he breaks down and begs for you to stay with him. The more you're around him, the worse it'll be for him.
3. A waste of money (as harsh as it is), travel can be costly, and I'm guessing you'll be coming back on the same day, so not only costly but time consuming.
4. It's awkward, and I'm not talking about the actual dumping part (although that is awkward too), but the aftermath, it's not like you're going to go and have a cup of tea and watch a movie together afterwards. (I doubt it anyway)
Why don't you do it over Skype or FaceTime? Arguably that way it's still face to face. It also means you're not getting his hopes up over a 'surprise visit', you can talk to him for as long as you need to, it won't be as hard for you, and it might not be as hard for him.
I know you've been together for three years and I'm sure you want to respect your relationship and your boyfriend. But, you've also got to be practical.
Posted from TSR Mobile
1. In person he make make you change your mind.
2. You can't escape if he breaks down and begs for you to stay with him. The more you're around him, the worse it'll be for him.
3. A waste of money (as harsh as it is), travel can be costly, and I'm guessing you'll be coming back on the same day, so not only costly but time consuming.
4. It's awkward, and I'm not talking about the actual dumping part (although that is awkward too), but the aftermath, it's not like you're going to go and have a cup of tea and watch a movie together afterwards. (I doubt it anyway)
Why don't you do it over Skype or FaceTime? Arguably that way it's still face to face. It also means you're not getting his hopes up over a 'surprise visit', you can talk to him for as long as you need to, it won't be as hard for you, and it might not be as hard for him.
I know you've been together for three years and I'm sure you want to respect your relationship and your boyfriend. But, you've also got to be practical.
Posted from TSR Mobile
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