Boyfriend wants me to come out and make our relationship public. But I'm not gay.
Scroll to see replies
Original post by Anonymous
I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 19. He's been openly gay since he was 14. We have been together two years now.
I have struggled so hard with my sexuality. I have never fancied woman. I've tried to date them but never managed to kiss one unless I was drunk and I am repulsed at the thought of sleeping with a woman.
At the same time the only person I've been sexually attracted to is my boyfriend. He's very good looking and charming with a lot of people fancying him. I don't know what it was about him but I just fell in love.
I hate the idea of being gay, everything about it. I really, really don't want to be gay. I'm sure I'm not anyway.
If I go public with my relationship everyone will think I'm gay. I can't imagine living without my boyfriend. But living with being gay is worse.
Should I just leave him and try and make it work with women/ maybe stay single forever?
I have struggled so hard with my sexuality. I have never fancied woman. I've tried to date them but never managed to kiss one unless I was drunk and I am repulsed at the thought of sleeping with a woman.
At the same time the only person I've been sexually attracted to is my boyfriend. He's very good looking and charming with a lot of people fancying him. I don't know what it was about him but I just fell in love.
I hate the idea of being gay, everything about it. I really, really don't want to be gay. I'm sure I'm not anyway.
If I go public with my relationship everyone will think I'm gay. I can't imagine living without my boyfriend. But living with being gay is worse.
Should I just leave him and try and make it work with women/ maybe stay single forever?
you're 100% gay! you're just not ready to jump out of the closet yet!
I definetly love my boyfriend. I never doubt that. I would literally die for him. Of that I am certain.
But I don't want to come out as I would feel that wasn't really me either.
In reality I could probably never have a relationship with a woman. I am not attracted to them at all and can't even kiss a woman.
I don't think I'm gay. I don't find men attractive. Just my boyfriend and a very small number of men.
Being heterosexual would be so much easier and I don't know if it's possible to get those feelings for a woman. That would be better I know.
At the same time I think I would go into a deep depression if I ended my current Relationship. I would be heartbroken. I've been given an ultimatum that I don't feel is a necessary one.
My boyfriend has said accept you are gay, come out about it and me or I'm off. I'm so scared he will go. I just don't want to come out. I can't.
But I don't want to come out as I would feel that wasn't really me either.
In reality I could probably never have a relationship with a woman. I am not attracted to them at all and can't even kiss a woman.
I don't think I'm gay. I don't find men attractive. Just my boyfriend and a very small number of men.
Being heterosexual would be so much easier and I don't know if it's possible to get those feelings for a woman. That would be better I know.
At the same time I think I would go into a deep depression if I ended my current Relationship. I would be heartbroken. I've been given an ultimatum that I don't feel is a necessary one.
My boyfriend has said accept you are gay, come out about it and me or I'm off. I'm so scared he will go. I just don't want to come out. I can't.
Just to be clear on the facts: you don't fancy women
you don't fancy men
you do like some men, in particular your boyfriend
you don't think your parents will understand
your boyfriend wants you to come out
Well... that's a hard one and I'm probably not the best person to give advice. But leaving your boyfriend and living miserably is clearly NOT a good idea. I have no idea what is a good idea though... could you not talk to your boyfriend/close friends who know you better that strangers on the internet?
you don't fancy men
you do like some men, in particular your boyfriend
you don't think your parents will understand
your boyfriend wants you to come out
Well... that's a hard one and I'm probably not the best person to give advice. But leaving your boyfriend and living miserably is clearly NOT a good idea. I have no idea what is a good idea though... could you not talk to your boyfriend/close friends who know you better that strangers on the internet?
Original post by lerjj
Just to be clear on the facts: you don't fancy women
you don't fancy men
you do like some men, in particular your boyfriend
you don't think your parents will understand
your boyfriend wants you to come out
Well... that's a hard one and I'm probably not the best person to give advice. But leaving your boyfriend and living miserably is clearly NOT a good idea. I have no idea what is a good idea though... could you not talk to your boyfriend/close friends who know you better that strangers on the internet?
you don't fancy men
you do like some men, in particular your boyfriend
you don't think your parents will understand
your boyfriend wants you to come out
Well... that's a hard one and I'm probably not the best person to give advice. But leaving your boyfriend and living miserably is clearly NOT a good idea. I have no idea what is a good idea though... could you not talk to your boyfriend/close friends who know you better that strangers on the internet?
It's true TSR isn't the best place to ask for advice. But even my closest friends don't know I'm gay. I'm quite masculine, you would never know by looking at me. Although obviously ive never had a girlfriend which must seem suspicious as I have girls flirting with me.
I've never told anyone im gay.
I haven't as I don't think I am. So I have no one to speak to about it.also, I quite like having the opinions of people who dont know me.
I'm thinking of telling my best friend later tonight. Absolutely terrified. I won't say I'm gay as im not I will just say I'm in an relationship with a man.
Original post by Anonymous
I definetly love my boyfriend. I never doubt that. I would literally die for him. Of that I am certain.
But I don't want to come out as I would feel that wasn't really me either.
In reality I could probably never have a relationship with a woman. I am not attracted to them at all and can't even kiss a woman.
I don't think I'm gay. I don't find men attractive. Just my boyfriend and a very small number of men.
Being heterosexual would be so much easier and I don't know if it's possible to get those feelings for a woman. That would be better I know.
At the same time I think I would go into a deep depression if I ended my current Relationship. I would be heartbroken. I've been given an ultimatum that I don't feel is a necessary one.
My boyfriend has said accept you are gay, come out about it and me or I'm off. I'm so scared he will go. I just don't want to come out. I can't.
But I don't want to come out as I would feel that wasn't really me either.
In reality I could probably never have a relationship with a woman. I am not attracted to them at all and can't even kiss a woman.
I don't think I'm gay. I don't find men attractive. Just my boyfriend and a very small number of men.
Being heterosexual would be so much easier and I don't know if it's possible to get those feelings for a woman. That would be better I know.
At the same time I think I would go into a deep depression if I ended my current Relationship. I would be heartbroken. I've been given an ultimatum that I don't feel is a necessary one.
My boyfriend has said accept you are gay, come out about it and me or I'm off. I'm so scared he will go. I just don't want to come out. I can't.
You may be demisexual or grey asexual. This means you only feel attraction to people with whom you share a close emotional bond or only in specific circumstances. This is on the asexuality spectrum. It is an additional label to being gay, straight, or something in between. Although some people use this as their primary label, others use straight, bi, gay etc.
You don't choose to be gay or demisexual and it is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Explain your feelings to your boyfriend and put across the strength of love you obviously have towards him. I think he feels that you are ashamed of him. You don't need to feel ashamed of being who you are and loving who you do.
Love isn't a choice. There is nothing wrong with you. You aren't broken. You are just you. Your sexuality is just as valid as anyone else's. It is a part of you. You can't change it. It is no better being straight vs being gay. Or being sexual vs asexual. It is just different. Differences are what make life worth living.
Anyone who refuses to accept your sexuality isn't worth the effort of knowing. If you feel your family will reject you, they aren't much of a family. If they do IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You have done nothingto deserve being rejected. It is their problem for being small minded bigots.
Posted from TSR Mobile
You're gay mate, you have to be honest with yourself and accept that you are gay before thinking of coming out publically, you also need to speak with your boyfriend about what really worries you about coming out. Other than your denial, I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do with your boyfriend and sexuality. Do what makes you happy and I don't think at all that breaking up or trying to make yourself believe your are actually straight will make you happy.
Well, it's possible that you're Demisexual and not technically a gay man, if you're only attracted to your current partner.
Still, if your parents are devout Catholics and you don't want to disappoint them, you're probably either going to have to marry a woman or remain celibate.
You'll probably have to choose between your parents and your faith, or else being with your partner in a relationship that may be seen as gay even if it's technically more of a demisexual thing.
In the end, it depends on what you value more.
Still, if your parents are devout Catholics and you don't want to disappoint them, you're probably either going to have to marry a woman or remain celibate.
You'll probably have to choose between your parents and your faith, or else being with your partner in a relationship that may be seen as gay even if it's technically more of a demisexual thing.
In the end, it depends on what you value more.
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by HzlC
You're possibly demisexual homoromantic.
Original post by Bupdeeboowah
Wut.
Demisexual means that you only feel sexual attraction to people with whomyou have a strong emotional bond. This is not the same as just "having standards". It is on the asexuality spectrum.
This means that you feel no attraction at all based on appearance or shallow characteristics, only on the soul of a person.
Homoromantic means that you only feel romantic attraction to people of the same gender.
Posted from TSR Mobile
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by Katty3
Demisexual means that you only feel sexual attraction to people with whomyou have a strong emotional bond. This is not the same as just "having standards"
This means that
Posted from TSR Mobile
This means that
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Bupdeeboowah
How is that different from pansexual
Pansexuals feel attraction regardless of gender. They feel primary sexual attraction as well as secondary attraction.
Demisexuals only feel secondary attraction. Demisexuals may also feel attraction towards only one gender, whereas Pansexuals feel attraction towards all genders.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Katty3
Pansexuals feel attraction regardless of gender. They feel primary sexual attraction as well as secondary attraction.
Demisexuals only feel secondary attraction. Demisexuals may also feel attraction towards only one gender, whereas Pansexuals feel attraction towards all genders.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Demisexuals only feel secondary attraction. Demisexuals may also feel attraction towards only one gender, whereas Pansexuals feel attraction towards all genders.
Posted from TSR Mobile
And what is primary and secondary sexual attraction?
Original post by Bupdeeboowah
The how is bisexual different from your definition of pansexual?
And what is primary and secondary sexual attraction?
And what is primary and secondary sexual attraction?
Bisexuality is attraction to both males and females. Pansexuality is attraction to those who are agender, or identity as a third gender, common among intersex people. The two are very similar. I identify as neither so I am not best placed to comment.
Primary attraction is based on appearance or shallow aspects of personality. Thinking someone is fit or hot for example.
Secondary attraction is based on the deeper aspects of personality and having a bond with them. Being in love with someone and feeling attracted to them because of that love. It is deeper and stronger than the primary attraction.
Most people feel both. Demisexuals feel only the latter. We can see how a person is beautiful from an objective point of view, but it is like looking at a landscape. You see the beauty but you don't feel any attraction.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Katty3
Bisexuality is attraction to both males and females. Pansexuality is attraction to those who are agender, or identity as a third gender, common among intersex people. The two are very similar. I identify as neither so I am not best placed to comment.
Primary attraction is based on appearance or shallow aspects of personality. Thinking someone is fit or hot for example.
Secondary attraction is based on the deeper aspects of personality and having a bond with them. Being in love with someone and feeling attracted to them because of that love. It is deeper and stronger than the primary attraction.
Most people feel both. Demisexuals feel only the latter. We can see how a person is beautiful from an objective point of view, but it is like looking at a landscape. You see the beauty but you don't feel any attraction.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Primary attraction is based on appearance or shallow aspects of personality. Thinking someone is fit or hot for example.
Secondary attraction is based on the deeper aspects of personality and having a bond with them. Being in love with someone and feeling attracted to them because of that love. It is deeper and stronger than the primary attraction.
Most people feel both. Demisexuals feel only the latter. We can see how a person is beautiful from an objective point of view, but it is like looking at a landscape. You see the beauty but you don't feel any attraction.
Posted from TSR Mobile
You need to learn to accept yourself but you also need to come out in your own time.
If you are pansexual or demisexual and you come out as that many people may still just label you as gay since you have a boyfriend. That's just today's society, ignorance is everywhere. You need to explain to your boyfriend everything, about being only attracted to him and not others explain clearly so there are no misunderstandings. Let him tell you how he feels, maybe he feels like you're ashamed of him.
About your parents, well, you and your boyfriend will have to talk about it to see what's your course of action. If he really wants them to know you need to try. Their reaction can either be of acceptance or rejection.... hard yes... your boyfriend might even start slowly drawing himself away cuz of that.... i don't want to be negative but it's a big thing and you may need to make decisions. But at the end of the day please just talk it out with your boyfriend i think that's important.
About your parents, well, you and your boyfriend will have to talk about it to see what's your course of action. If he really wants them to know you need to try. Their reaction can either be of acceptance or rejection.... hard yes... your boyfriend might even start slowly drawing himself away cuz of that.... i don't want to be negative but it's a big thing and you may need to make decisions. But at the end of the day please just talk it out with your boyfriend i think that's important.
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- I'm gay and I really want a partner, but I don't know how to start something.
- Should I try to make this relationship work, or should I move on?
- Am I a lesbian or just traumatised?
- boyfriend doesn’t want to move away
- Is this a good apology message?
- My boyfriend told me he’s bisexual
- Best Frapes :)
- The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre Mark II
- My friend is telling me to break up with my boyfriend, it's messing with my head
- Does anyone actually get into a relationship easily?
- Feel like the family let down
- Diving into relationships for first time
- He removed his personal information
- Why do I not feel attracted to men that I met in RL but still wanting a boyfriend?
- LGBTQ+ Q and A Thread
- The first rough patch.
- Should I go on Hinge? I've never had a boyfriend before
- Aussie police uninvited from Mardi Gras after double homicide
- Accepting Bisexuality
- Gender equality struggles? misogyny? something like that
Latest
Trending
Last reply 5 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 5 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 5 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 5 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
