My friend is telling me to break up with my boyfriend, it's messing with my head
So me and my best friend are both off to uni, we both move into halls this weekend, she's just broken up with her boyfriend and is telling me to do the same and we both go to uni single. I'm not sure, he is my first and he's a nice guy but I'm torn, i hadn't thought about it before but now it's really playing on my mind, any advice?
Oh my love that sounds really tough!! I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I can only speak from my experience having gone to university with a boyfriend (we moved 5 hours away from each other for uni) and we did break up halfway through the year. If I could go back I probably would have broken up with him before I left because the subconscious need to be 'faithful' to him made me feel nervous about speaking to boys even in social settings where any communication wouldn't have been cheating at all, and also when we broke up he cited that being long-distance was too much for him and he 'needed a girlfriend who was actually there', which, granted, wasn't my favourite thing to hear but I can understand where he was coming from. There was also a lot of concern on my end when he would go days without speaking to me (he was a very heavy drinker) and the amount of stress I felt not knowing what was happening to him (as I wasn't there) made some of my time in first year very challenging, but that was my own personal situation and is very unlikely to become yours. I did, however, feel a responsibility as his girlfriend to take care of him from so far away, which was an impossible battle - as much as I wanted to be there with him when he was ill, I just had to love him from a distance through the phone, and it made me feel like half a girlfriend.
On the other hand, simply because your friend is choosing to go to university single, and my personal experience leans that way and towards a fresh start, I don't know either of you or what your boyfriend is like! There is always the option to go long-distance, and if it works that's great and if not then perhaps it wasn't meant to be. I am by no means a relationship expert, as my ex-boyfriend was my first, and I sympathise with you especially as it's playing on your mind so much. I would lean towards if it's a constant thought of should I/shouldn't I then the doubts are there and not so easy to overcome - that perhaps part of you is considering the 'fresh start' kind of avenue. I can assure you that you will meet all kinds of people at university, but I also understand that he feels safe and reassuring - he's a reminder of home and the life you two have together, rather than being completely untethered in a new place with so many new people. I think it more comes down to whether you want to start university single or if you're willing to put in a considerable amount of effort to make long-distance work while juggling some major new aspects of life (new friends, living away from home, etc) - it is ABSOLUTELY possible, it is just a lot of work that both of you need to put in. And it can absolutely be worth it! There's nothing better than a late-night debrief with someone you love and talking about all the new experiences you're having, and it may well strengthen your bond with new things to talk about!
Take care of yourself my dear, and grab an emergency bar of chocolate <3
I can only speak from my experience having gone to university with a boyfriend (we moved 5 hours away from each other for uni) and we did break up halfway through the year. If I could go back I probably would have broken up with him before I left because the subconscious need to be 'faithful' to him made me feel nervous about speaking to boys even in social settings where any communication wouldn't have been cheating at all, and also when we broke up he cited that being long-distance was too much for him and he 'needed a girlfriend who was actually there', which, granted, wasn't my favourite thing to hear but I can understand where he was coming from. There was also a lot of concern on my end when he would go days without speaking to me (he was a very heavy drinker) and the amount of stress I felt not knowing what was happening to him (as I wasn't there) made some of my time in first year very challenging, but that was my own personal situation and is very unlikely to become yours. I did, however, feel a responsibility as his girlfriend to take care of him from so far away, which was an impossible battle - as much as I wanted to be there with him when he was ill, I just had to love him from a distance through the phone, and it made me feel like half a girlfriend.
On the other hand, simply because your friend is choosing to go to university single, and my personal experience leans that way and towards a fresh start, I don't know either of you or what your boyfriend is like! There is always the option to go long-distance, and if it works that's great and if not then perhaps it wasn't meant to be. I am by no means a relationship expert, as my ex-boyfriend was my first, and I sympathise with you especially as it's playing on your mind so much. I would lean towards if it's a constant thought of should I/shouldn't I then the doubts are there and not so easy to overcome - that perhaps part of you is considering the 'fresh start' kind of avenue. I can assure you that you will meet all kinds of people at university, but I also understand that he feels safe and reassuring - he's a reminder of home and the life you two have together, rather than being completely untethered in a new place with so many new people. I think it more comes down to whether you want to start university single or if you're willing to put in a considerable amount of effort to make long-distance work while juggling some major new aspects of life (new friends, living away from home, etc) - it is ABSOLUTELY possible, it is just a lot of work that both of you need to put in. And it can absolutely be worth it! There's nothing better than a late-night debrief with someone you love and talking about all the new experiences you're having, and it may well strengthen your bond with new things to talk about!
Take care of yourself my dear, and grab an emergency bar of chocolate <3
Original post by Anonymous
Oh my love that sounds really tough!! I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I can only speak from my experience having gone to university with a boyfriend (we moved 5 hours away from each other for uni) and we did break up halfway through the year. If I could go back I probably would have broken up with him before I left because the subconscious need to be 'faithful' to him made me feel nervous about speaking to boys even in social settings where any communication wouldn't have been cheating at all, and also when we broke up he cited that being long-distance was too much for him and he 'needed a girlfriend who was actually there', which, granted, wasn't my favourite thing to hear but I can understand where he was coming from. There was also a lot of concern on my end when he would go days without speaking to me (he was a very heavy drinker) and the amount of stress I felt not knowing what was happening to him (as I wasn't there) made some of my time in first year very challenging, but that was my own personal situation and is very unlikely to become yours. I did, however, feel a responsibility as his girlfriend to take care of him from so far away, which was an impossible battle - as much as I wanted to be there with him when he was ill, I just had to love him from a distance through the phone, and it made me feel like half a girlfriend.
On the other hand, simply because your friend is choosing to go to university single, and my personal experience leans that way and towards a fresh start, I don't know either of you or what your boyfriend is like! There is always the option to go long-distance, and if it works that's great and if not then perhaps it wasn't meant to be. I am by no means a relationship expert, as my ex-boyfriend was my first, and I sympathise with you especially as it's playing on your mind so much. I would lean towards if it's a constant thought of should I/shouldn't I then the doubts are there and not so easy to overcome - that perhaps part of you is considering the 'fresh start' kind of avenue. I can assure you that you will meet all kinds of people at university, but I also understand that he feels safe and reassuring - he's a reminder of home and the life you two have together, rather than being completely untethered in a new place with so many new people. I think it more comes down to whether you want to start university single or if you're willing to put in a considerable amount of effort to make long-distance work while juggling some major new aspects of life (new friends, living away from home, etc) - it is ABSOLUTELY possible, it is just a lot of work that both of you need to put in. And it can absolutely be worth it! There's nothing better than a late-night debrief with someone you love and talking about all the new experiences you're having, and it may well strengthen your bond with new things to talk about!
Take care of yourself my dear, and grab an emergency bar of chocolate <3
I can only speak from my experience having gone to university with a boyfriend (we moved 5 hours away from each other for uni) and we did break up halfway through the year. If I could go back I probably would have broken up with him before I left because the subconscious need to be 'faithful' to him made me feel nervous about speaking to boys even in social settings where any communication wouldn't have been cheating at all, and also when we broke up he cited that being long-distance was too much for him and he 'needed a girlfriend who was actually there', which, granted, wasn't my favourite thing to hear but I can understand where he was coming from. There was also a lot of concern on my end when he would go days without speaking to me (he was a very heavy drinker) and the amount of stress I felt not knowing what was happening to him (as I wasn't there) made some of my time in first year very challenging, but that was my own personal situation and is very unlikely to become yours. I did, however, feel a responsibility as his girlfriend to take care of him from so far away, which was an impossible battle - as much as I wanted to be there with him when he was ill, I just had to love him from a distance through the phone, and it made me feel like half a girlfriend.
On the other hand, simply because your friend is choosing to go to university single, and my personal experience leans that way and towards a fresh start, I don't know either of you or what your boyfriend is like! There is always the option to go long-distance, and if it works that's great and if not then perhaps it wasn't meant to be. I am by no means a relationship expert, as my ex-boyfriend was my first, and I sympathise with you especially as it's playing on your mind so much. I would lean towards if it's a constant thought of should I/shouldn't I then the doubts are there and not so easy to overcome - that perhaps part of you is considering the 'fresh start' kind of avenue. I can assure you that you will meet all kinds of people at university, but I also understand that he feels safe and reassuring - he's a reminder of home and the life you two have together, rather than being completely untethered in a new place with so many new people. I think it more comes down to whether you want to start university single or if you're willing to put in a considerable amount of effort to make long-distance work while juggling some major new aspects of life (new friends, living away from home, etc) - it is ABSOLUTELY possible, it is just a lot of work that both of you need to put in. And it can absolutely be worth it! There's nothing better than a late-night debrief with someone you love and talking about all the new experiences you're having, and it may well strengthen your bond with new things to talk about!
Take care of yourself my dear, and grab an emergency bar of chocolate <3
She has definitely put doubts into my head and we are going to be a long way apart plus my friend is encouraging me to get drunk with her and go clubbing, my boyfriend isn't excited at the idea of me going far away to uni and said if I really loved him I would have gone to one closer
Original post by Anonymous
She has definitely put doubts into my head and we are going to be a long way apart plus my friend is encouraging me to get drunk with her and go clubbing, my boyfriend isn't excited at the idea of me going far away to uni and said if I really loved him I would have gone to one closer
Ah. When it comes to clubbing, please make sure it's what you want to do!! If you want to get drunk, go for it, take care and stay safe - it's not essential for a good Freshers: nightclubs are open all year round! Make sure you're ready to go, not just when everyone else wants to for fear of being left out. Also clubbing does not equal cheating or unfaithfulness! It means you're having a good time for yourself, not performing some creepy men out in the club.
My concern is the highlighted bit. At no point should a boyfriend (or anyone) make you feel as if moving away for university = not loving them. This is a major red flag, and while I understand the concern of being far apart, love should not be conditional on distance. Would you expect your family/loved ones to love you less because you don't live at home? I hope not! You've picked your university because you want to go there! He should have no say in it or cast any doubt on you doing what's right for yourself. It's your degree and it's your life, and he must go and get his degree and live his life. If he can't support you while feeling fulfilled himself, I'm worried that he may cast doubt on your future decisions.
Original post by Anonymous
Oh my love that sounds really tough!! I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I can only speak from my experience having gone to university with a boyfriend (we moved 5 hours away from each other for uni) and we did break up halfway through the year. If I could go back I probably would have broken up with him before I left because the subconscious need to be 'faithful' to him made me feel nervous about speaking to boys even in social settings where any communication wouldn't have been cheating at all, and also when we broke up he cited that being long-distance was too much for him and he 'needed a girlfriend who was actually there', which, granted, wasn't my favourite thing to hear but I can understand where he was coming from. There was also a lot of concern on my end when he would go days without speaking to me (he was a very heavy drinker) and the amount of stress I felt not knowing what was happening to him (as I wasn't there) made some of my time in first year very challenging, but that was my own personal situation and is very unlikely to become yours. I did, however, feel a responsibility as his girlfriend to take care of him from so far away, which was an impossible battle - as much as I wanted to be there with him when he was ill, I just had to love him from a distance through the phone, and it made me feel like half a girlfriend.
On the other hand, simply because your friend is choosing to go to university single, and my personal experience leans that way and towards a fresh start, I don't know either of you or what your boyfriend is like! There is always the option to go long-distance, and if it works that's great and if not then perhaps it wasn't meant to be. I am by no means a relationship expert, as my ex-boyfriend was my first, and I sympathise with you especially as it's playing on your mind so much. I would lean towards if it's a constant thought of should I/shouldn't I then the doubts are there and not so easy to overcome - that perhaps part of you is considering the 'fresh start' kind of avenue. I can assure you that you will meet all kinds of people at university, but I also understand that he feels safe and reassuring - he's a reminder of home and the life you two have together, rather than being completely untethered in a new place with so many new people. I think it more comes down to whether you want to start university single or if you're willing to put in a considerable amount of effort to make long-distance work while juggling some major new aspects of life (new friends, living away from home, etc) - it is ABSOLUTELY possible, it is just a lot of work that both of you need to put in. And it can absolutely be worth it! There's nothing better than a late-night debrief with someone you love and talking about all the new experiences you're having, and it may well strengthen your bond with new things to talk about!
Take care of yourself my dear, and grab an emergency bar of chocolate <3
I can only speak from my experience having gone to university with a boyfriend (we moved 5 hours away from each other for uni) and we did break up halfway through the year. If I could go back I probably would have broken up with him before I left because the subconscious need to be 'faithful' to him made me feel nervous about speaking to boys even in social settings where any communication wouldn't have been cheating at all, and also when we broke up he cited that being long-distance was too much for him and he 'needed a girlfriend who was actually there', which, granted, wasn't my favourite thing to hear but I can understand where he was coming from. There was also a lot of concern on my end when he would go days without speaking to me (he was a very heavy drinker) and the amount of stress I felt not knowing what was happening to him (as I wasn't there) made some of my time in first year very challenging, but that was my own personal situation and is very unlikely to become yours. I did, however, feel a responsibility as his girlfriend to take care of him from so far away, which was an impossible battle - as much as I wanted to be there with him when he was ill, I just had to love him from a distance through the phone, and it made me feel like half a girlfriend.
On the other hand, simply because your friend is choosing to go to university single, and my personal experience leans that way and towards a fresh start, I don't know either of you or what your boyfriend is like! There is always the option to go long-distance, and if it works that's great and if not then perhaps it wasn't meant to be. I am by no means a relationship expert, as my ex-boyfriend was my first, and I sympathise with you especially as it's playing on your mind so much. I would lean towards if it's a constant thought of should I/shouldn't I then the doubts are there and not so easy to overcome - that perhaps part of you is considering the 'fresh start' kind of avenue. I can assure you that you will meet all kinds of people at university, but I also understand that he feels safe and reassuring - he's a reminder of home and the life you two have together, rather than being completely untethered in a new place with so many new people. I think it more comes down to whether you want to start university single or if you're willing to put in a considerable amount of effort to make long-distance work while juggling some major new aspects of life (new friends, living away from home, etc) - it is ABSOLUTELY possible, it is just a lot of work that both of you need to put in. And it can absolutely be worth it! There's nothing better than a late-night debrief with someone you love and talking about all the new experiences you're having, and it may well strengthen your bond with new things to talk about!
Take care of yourself my dear, and grab an emergency bar of chocolate <3
This is probably extremely unproductive to this thread because I have nothing to add - completely agree w you!! But I couldn't help but tell you this is one of the most heartfelt replies I've ever read on here lol, feels like a text from your best friend of a decade into a 3 hour long conversation. Anyways that's it haha <3
Original post by Anonymous
This is probably extremely unproductive to this thread because I have nothing to add - completely agree w you!! But I couldn't help but tell you this is one of the most heartfelt replies I've ever read on here lol, feels like a text from your best friend of a decade into a 3 hour long conversation. Anyways that's it haha <3
Aww that's so sweet!! I was surprised to see so much hate in some of the relationship posts under 'related discussions', we're all just trying our best to do the right thing! Your reply really made smile, sending hugs!
Original post by Anonymous
So me and my best friend are both off to uni, we both move into halls this weekend, she's just broken up with her boyfriend and is telling me to do the same and we both go to uni single. I'm not sure, he is my first and he's a nice guy but I'm torn, i hadn't thought about it before but now it's really playing on my mind, any advice?
She doesn't sound much of a friend. Several people I know married the person they were going out with at 18 and went to different unis ...
Original post by Anonymous
Ah. When it comes to clubbing, please make sure it's what you want to do!! If you want to get drunk, go for it, take care and stay safe - it's not essential for a good Freshers: nightclubs are open all year round! Make sure you're ready to go, not just when everyone else wants to for fear of being left out. Also clubbing does not equal cheating or unfaithfulness! It means you're having a good time for yourself, not performing some creepy men out in the club.
My concern is the highlighted bit. At no point should a boyfriend (or anyone) make you feel as if moving away for university = not loving them. This is a major red flag, and while I understand the concern of being far apart, love should not be conditional on distance. Would you expect your family/loved ones to love you less because you don't live at home? I hope not! You've picked your university because you want to go there! He should have no say in it or cast any doubt on you doing what's right for yourself. It's your degree and it's your life, and he must go and get his degree and live his life. If he can't support you while feeling fulfilled himself, I'm worried that he may cast doubt on your future decisions.
My concern is the highlighted bit. At no point should a boyfriend (or anyone) make you feel as if moving away for university = not loving them. This is a major red flag, and while I understand the concern of being far apart, love should not be conditional on distance. Would you expect your family/loved ones to love you less because you don't live at home? I hope not! You've picked your university because you want to go there! He should have no say in it or cast any doubt on you doing what's right for yourself. It's your degree and it's your life, and he must go and get his degree and live his life. If he can't support you while feeling fulfilled himself, I'm worried that he may cast doubt on your future decisions.
We just want to make the most of freshers obviously we will both be careful
Original post by Muttley79
She doesn't sound much of a friend. Several people I know married the person they were going out with at 18 and went to different unis ...
We've been best friends since we were in nursery
Original post by Anonymous
We just want to make the most of freshers obviously we will both be careful
We've been best friends since we were in nursery
We've been best friends since we were in nursery
She's encouraging you to be irresponsible - not a friend in my book
Issues all round.
1. Is your friend going to be a limpet all year and drag you around with her? Just because you are friends doesn't mean you have to do what she wants. Fresher's is more than drinking; it's an opportunity to see what goes on at uni and meet new people.
2. Your boyfriend shouldn't be using emotional blackmail. If the distance concerns him, ask him to move closer to your uni and watch his reaction!
3. Aside from 2 above, your friend breaking up with her boyfriend shouldn't be giving you doubts. How invested are you in your relationship that you are questioning it and not telling your friend to shut up?
1. Is your friend going to be a limpet all year and drag you around with her? Just because you are friends doesn't mean you have to do what she wants. Fresher's is more than drinking; it's an opportunity to see what goes on at uni and meet new people.
2. Your boyfriend shouldn't be using emotional blackmail. If the distance concerns him, ask him to move closer to your uni and watch his reaction!
3. Aside from 2 above, your friend breaking up with her boyfriend shouldn't be giving you doubts. How invested are you in your relationship that you are questioning it and not telling your friend to shut up?
Original post by Surnia
Issues all round.
1. Is your friend going to be a limpet all year and drag you around with her? Just because you are friends doesn't mean you have to do what she wants. Fresher's is more than drinking; it's an opportunity to see what goes on at uni and meet new people.
2. Your boyfriend shouldn't be using emotional blackmail. If the distance concerns him, ask him to move closer to your uni and watch his reaction!
3. Aside from 2 above, your friend breaking up with her boyfriend shouldn't be giving you doubts. How invested are you in your relationship that you are questioning it and not telling your friend to shut up?
1. Is your friend going to be a limpet all year and drag you around with her? Just because you are friends doesn't mean you have to do what she wants. Fresher's is more than drinking; it's an opportunity to see what goes on at uni and meet new people.
2. Your boyfriend shouldn't be using emotional blackmail. If the distance concerns him, ask him to move closer to your uni and watch his reaction!
3. Aside from 2 above, your friend breaking up with her boyfriend shouldn't be giving you doubts. How invested are you in your relationship that you are questioning it and not telling your friend to shut up?
Its both our first times away from home properly so I think she's right that we have a lot of living to do. The more I think about it, the more I feel trapped in this relationship.
Original post by Anonymous
Its both our first times away from home properly so I think she's right that we have a lot of living to do. The more I think about it, the more I feel trapped in this relationship.
If your friend was still in a relationship, would you be thinking like this?
Original post by Anonymous
So me and my best friend are both off to uni, we both move into halls this weekend, she's just broken up with her boyfriend and is telling me to do the same and we both go to uni single. I'm not sure, he is my first and he's a nice guy but I'm torn, i hadn't thought about it before but now it's really playing on my mind, any advice?
There is a big difference between men and women in this regard.
When men behave shamefully, they tend to isolate themselves. Depression, rage, hurt ego. Men will withdraw, when they are in pain, and this results in them feeling isolated. It's one of the reasons men commit suicide at a higher rate than women.
When women behave shamefully, they tend to recruit others in to it. It's why when you have a bunch of divorcees around a person who is happily married, they tend to give advice like 'Your man does x? He doesn't appreciate you. You should divorce him and find someone who treats you right.'
They tend not to point out that they themselves are alone. They tend to want to recruit in to their misery.
What your friend is really saying is, "I know you're relatively happy in your relationship, but hear me out... Let's abandon the people who love and trust us, go sleep around. Statistically, it's likely we'll spend the next 8 years in and out of sad relationships before we end up alone or on the verge of divorce with a guy we took because we started getting desperate, but wouldn't it be nice to sleep around a bit? Eh? Eeeeeh?"
I'd dump her as a friend because she won't stop trying to recruit you, and I guarantee you that in 10 years time, you will wonder what you saw in her at all.
Original post by Surnia
If your friend was still in a relationship, would you be thinking like this?
I'm not sure but she has opened my eyes
Honestly the idea of this seems so strange to me, like if it's the person that really matters to you why just let them go. But its on you to decide for sure which matters more for you.
You shouldn't break up with your boyfriend just because your ''friend'' is telling you to but it must also be said that the overwhelming majority of relationships pre-uni do end up crumbling during the uni experience...so even if your friend had said nothing it's likely you and your boyfriend wouldn't have lasted anyway....and you're now posting you feel trapped in the relationship so you may as well just end it now tbh.
(edited 7 months ago)
Update I have broken up with him, thanks for all your advice
Don't judge her. A lot of women marry because their social group is marrying and divorce because their social group is divorcing. It's actually very common. Just group dynamics.
Sounds self serving on her part to me. Why should you break up just cos she has? She is jealous most probably.
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