Is my boyfriend doing more harm than good
Soo we’ve been together a while we’ve been seeing each other about 5 months and been together about 7 so almost a year and we’re still not on each other’s social media’s he literally won’t change his Facebook profile picture or relationship status to me or anything and I just wonder why?He also only changed his picture to me in his ig because I asked ...
Like his Instagram picture is of us but like without that you wouldn’t even realise he has a girlfriend..
2 the next thing is he is so nasty sometimes he says he finds it unattractive that I do nothin for 3 days a week and thinks I’m lazy
3 he only stopped liking and following girls on ig because I asked him too but still does sometimes
4 picks his friends over me and he usuals leaves me at 9 on week days because he has work but leaves his friends at like 11 but that’s somehow ok? Also he has somehow made it only 2 set days he sees me and we leave at the exact same time every time god forbid he takes me home late on a Saturday he cannot he late for seeing his friends😡
Another thing that happened the other day was he said to me he’s going to a music festival and I associate them with drugs and sex and I said to him it’s either you go to that and lose me or don’t go and still have a girlfriend his reply was looks like I’m going to break up with you over this lol I was shocked
I just am at a standstill like I know I can do better but I really am in love with him I’m 17 he’s 20 but can’t he just grow up!! I’ve told him all this but it’s not getting any better he can’t see his own wrong doings ever
Like his Instagram picture is of us but like without that you wouldn’t even realise he has a girlfriend..
2 the next thing is he is so nasty sometimes he says he finds it unattractive that I do nothin for 3 days a week and thinks I’m lazy
3 he only stopped liking and following girls on ig because I asked him too but still does sometimes
4 picks his friends over me and he usuals leaves me at 9 on week days because he has work but leaves his friends at like 11 but that’s somehow ok? Also he has somehow made it only 2 set days he sees me and we leave at the exact same time every time god forbid he takes me home late on a Saturday he cannot he late for seeing his friends😡
Another thing that happened the other day was he said to me he’s going to a music festival and I associate them with drugs and sex and I said to him it’s either you go to that and lose me or don’t go and still have a girlfriend his reply was looks like I’m going to break up with you over this lol I was shocked
I just am at a standstill like I know I can do better but I really am in love with him I’m 17 he’s 20 but can’t he just grow up!! I’ve told him all this but it’s not getting any better he can’t see his own wrong doings ever
Split up. You’re both wasting time.
Original post by orderofthelotus
Split up. You’re both wasting time.
Yah but I feel like I won’t be happy again or for a while and I don’t know how I’ll coupe with being single and alone
At age 17 you are in no position to form a long term relationship.
If he does not go to places with you. LEAVE.
If he does not go to places with you. LEAVE.
His behaviour surrounding social media is weird, yes. However, you sound super controlling, overwhelmingly so - to the point of sheer ridiculousness. Why shouldn't he be allowed autonomy? You will realise eventually that relationships have to be about compromise, you are not his entire life and he shouldn't be yours - allow time for your own interests and hobbies, make sure you have a life outside of your relationships too.
Re: Liking and following girls on Instagram... what? I have many friends that are girls. In fact, at my university (a very small British institute in Paris) the majority of people on my course are girls, I follow them on Instagram, am friends with them on social media etc., and I support them by liking their stuff. It doesn't mean I don't love my girlfriend or that I find the girls on my course attractive, it just means I want to be friendly towards people I am friends with. Controlling who he does and doesn't speak with is ridiculous and frankly you should be ashamed. It's immature, petty and shows that you do not have any real understanding of how to create a healthy relationship in which he feels he has freedom and the security of your support. You are creating an environment of toxicity.
He's absolutely allowed to have friends and see his friends. He should make more time for you sometimes, sure. But it isn't his fault he has commitments at work AND wants to see his friends too. That's life, sometimes life sucks and sometimes people get busy. It's how it is.
Lastly, your "if you go to a music festival we will split up" ultimatum thing is the most ridiculous and childish thing I have ever read. Of course he should go if he wants to go, it's his life and HIS decision, not yours. You associate them with drugs and sex, but do you believe your boyfriend will take part in either? If you do, then you clearly don't trust him and need to seriously re-evaluate why you're with him in the first place if you don't trust him OR face up to the reality that you're incredibly jealous and controlling. It's really not healthy, OP. You sound to me as if you're completely suffocating him and his right to be an autonomous person.
Do you know what? Yes, some of his behaviour is strange and I make no allowances for that because I don't know the guy and I don't know you. I can only go off of what you have said, which isn't much. But it's enough to tell me that you really need to change your attitude or reconsider if you're ready for a relationship. You end your post stating he should grow up and that he cannot see his wrongdoings... well, OP... so do you and neither can you. It's a two-way street, the first steps to making things better for you is to truly take a step back and just think about what you're saying. Adjust your attitude and then see what changes, if he is behaving inappropriately then speak to him about it like the adult you want to claim you are.
Instead of threatening him with breaking up (something that shouldn't ever be threatened in a 'stable' relationship because it's just low and manipulative), have a conversation - tell him how he makes you feel and then expect him to tell you how you make him feel. Work on it from there. If it doesn't work out, follow this advice:
Good luck.
Re: Liking and following girls on Instagram... what? I have many friends that are girls. In fact, at my university (a very small British institute in Paris) the majority of people on my course are girls, I follow them on Instagram, am friends with them on social media etc., and I support them by liking their stuff. It doesn't mean I don't love my girlfriend or that I find the girls on my course attractive, it just means I want to be friendly towards people I am friends with. Controlling who he does and doesn't speak with is ridiculous and frankly you should be ashamed. It's immature, petty and shows that you do not have any real understanding of how to create a healthy relationship in which he feels he has freedom and the security of your support. You are creating an environment of toxicity.
He's absolutely allowed to have friends and see his friends. He should make more time for you sometimes, sure. But it isn't his fault he has commitments at work AND wants to see his friends too. That's life, sometimes life sucks and sometimes people get busy. It's how it is.
Lastly, your "if you go to a music festival we will split up" ultimatum thing is the most ridiculous and childish thing I have ever read. Of course he should go if he wants to go, it's his life and HIS decision, not yours. You associate them with drugs and sex, but do you believe your boyfriend will take part in either? If you do, then you clearly don't trust him and need to seriously re-evaluate why you're with him in the first place if you don't trust him OR face up to the reality that you're incredibly jealous and controlling. It's really not healthy, OP. You sound to me as if you're completely suffocating him and his right to be an autonomous person.
Do you know what? Yes, some of his behaviour is strange and I make no allowances for that because I don't know the guy and I don't know you. I can only go off of what you have said, which isn't much. But it's enough to tell me that you really need to change your attitude or reconsider if you're ready for a relationship. You end your post stating he should grow up and that he cannot see his wrongdoings... well, OP... so do you and neither can you. It's a two-way street, the first steps to making things better for you is to truly take a step back and just think about what you're saying. Adjust your attitude and then see what changes, if he is behaving inappropriately then speak to him about it like the adult you want to claim you are.
Instead of threatening him with breaking up (something that shouldn't ever be threatened in a 'stable' relationship because it's just low and manipulative), have a conversation - tell him how he makes you feel and then expect him to tell you how you make him feel. Work on it from there. If it doesn't work out, follow this advice:
Original post by orderofthelotus
Split up. You’re both wasting time.
Good luck.
(edited 6 years ago)
You sound very childish
Just because he doesn't have his Facebook status as relationship you start to lose your ****? da fook
Just because he doesn't have his Facebook status as relationship you start to lose your ****? da fook
Original post by Foreverconfu
Yah but I feel like I won’t be happy again or for a while and I don’t know how I’ll coupe with being single and alone
better to be very unhappy short term with a break up than pretty unhappy for the long term while staying with him
The social media thing is weird. I don't think it's a big deal to not change a status/have a picture but it's strange he's making a huge issue of it. I'd been with my boyfriend a year before we bothered to change anything but had he asked I'd have done it with no issues as it's a pretty normal thing nowadays.
Liking insta pics - you're not clear - if they're like bikini pics/underwear/boobs etc then he shouldn't be liking them and the fact he keeps doing it is pretty disrespectful. If it's normal everyday life pics then it's OK and you should chill.
You can't control him going to a concert or out with friends. That's not healthy. If you feel he isn't spending enough time with you then talk to him about that and if you're not happy with the answer then you have to decide whether you feel he's invested in you or not. But you can't stop him going to a festival with threats, that's very unhealthy behaviour. Just a question - but do you have sex every time he sees you? If so it's possible that's why he wants you gone asap because he basically just wants to get laid.
This doesn't sound like a good relationship tbh and at 17 you will find someone way better.
"Just a question - but do you have sex every time he sees you? If so it's possible that's why he wants you gone asap because he basically just wants to get laid."
That is a very valid question. I don't know many guys who are a rigid with the amount of time they 'allow' themself to see their girlfriends. Most guys just sorta go with the flow when their w/ their girlfriend. Seeing his friends once a week isn't a big deal but it would be nice if he traded off so that you'd have a late night on occasion as well.
He doesn't sound like someone who respects you very much. You may love him as you say but I"m not sure it is reciprocal. I honestly what you're describing is that you've become an unwitting "friend with benefit" - if you are having sex with him. If a guys likes a girl he just wants to be with - hang out with her.
I don't think you sound controlling, btw, but probably should issue ultimatums. It never ends well.
That is a very valid question. I don't know many guys who are a rigid with the amount of time they 'allow' themself to see their girlfriends. Most guys just sorta go with the flow when their w/ their girlfriend. Seeing his friends once a week isn't a big deal but it would be nice if he traded off so that you'd have a late night on occasion as well.
He doesn't sound like someone who respects you very much. You may love him as you say but I"m not sure it is reciprocal. I honestly what you're describing is that you've become an unwitting "friend with benefit" - if you are having sex with him. If a guys likes a girl he just wants to be with - hang out with her.
I don't think you sound controlling, btw, but probably should issue ultimatums. It never ends well.
Original post by Hopefully1
"Just a question - but do you have sex every time he sees you? If so it's possible that's why he wants you gone asap because he basically just wants to get laid."
That is a very valid question. I don't know many guys who are a rigid with the amount of time they 'allow' themself to see their girlfriends. Most guys just sorta go with the flow when their w/ their girlfriend. Seeing his friends once a week isn't a big deal but it would be nice if he traded off so that you'd have a late night on occasion as well.
He doesn't sound like someone who respects you very much. You may love him as you say but I"m not sure it is reciprocal. I honestly what you're describing is that you've become an unwitting "friend with benefit" - if you are having sex with him. If a guys likes a girl he just wants to be with - hang out with her.
I don't think you sound controlling, btw, but probably should issue ultimatums. It never ends well.
That is a very valid question. I don't know many guys who are a rigid with the amount of time they 'allow' themself to see their girlfriends. Most guys just sorta go with the flow when their w/ their girlfriend. Seeing his friends once a week isn't a big deal but it would be nice if he traded off so that you'd have a late night on occasion as well.
He doesn't sound like someone who respects you very much. You may love him as you say but I"m not sure it is reciprocal. I honestly what you're describing is that you've become an unwitting "friend with benefit" - if you are having sex with him. If a guys likes a girl he just wants to be with - hang out with her.
I don't think you sound controlling, btw, but probably should issue ultimatums. It never ends well.
I’m not controlling like I only posted the small thingw that have bothered me there’s much more to the story but most times we do have sex but it’s becoming less of a thing and he seems super off with me all his friends are bad influences too on him like they do bad things and I just worry
Original post by Foreverconfu
I’m not controlling like I only posted the small thingw that have bothered me there’s much more to the story but most times we do have sex but it’s becoming less of a thing and he seems super off with me all his friends are bad influences too on him like they do bad things and I just worry
I know it's not what you want to hear but I think in the long run you'll be happier finding another guy. The guy you are currently with seems to only be thinking about his own interests and any healthy relationship doesn't work that way. I know it feels as if you give this up you'll be single forever (you won't be). Trust and like yourself a lot more than to put up with a guy who doesn't place you as a priority. Yes, a guy can and should have outside friends - that's healthy - but, again, it doesn't work if those guys are just bad influences. Remember though your bf is making up his own mind on how to treat you - his friends are forcing him to treat you poorly - he's doing that of his own volition.
I promise you there are guys out there who do want a relationship where there is mutual respect - you're guy just isn't there.
Think about what you have dealt with in the past from him. If this was happening to your best friend what would you advise her to do? Be your own best friend. Only you know if he is rude, distant, absent more than he is thoughtful, kind and available as your bf. Advocate for your own needs. You don't want to be with someone who brings you down and makes you not feel like you are actually an important part of his life.
It sounds like you're not compatible. He wants to go to a festival, whereas you don't like them. He wants to spend more time with his mates, you want to spend more time together. He doesn't seem bothered with letting everyone on social media know he's in a relationship, you think it's important that everyone knows you're official. From your post it looks like you're fairly controlling and he's just an average 20 year old guy trying to live his life. You're not going to find a mature male around your age for a while.
(edited 6 years ago)
Original post by Foreverconfu
he literally won’t change his Facebook profile picture or relationship status to me
Some people are private. I've been in a relationship since July and only a few weeks ago did I change my profile picture to include my boyfriend. And we haven't put anything for our relationships statuses because we are private people. That's okay.
Original post by Foreverconfu
he is so nasty sometimes he says he finds it unattractive that I do nothin for 3 days a week and thinks I’m lazy
Is there a reason you "do nothing" for 3 days?
Original post by Foreverconfu
picks his friends over me
It's okay to choose to spend time with friends, however if it's constant then it's bad. You can't expect him to be with you all of the time.
Original post by Foreverconfu
he said to me he’s going to a music festival and I associate them with drugs and sex and I said to him it’s either you go to that and lose me or don’t go and still have a girlfriend
You can't control what he does. Yeah, tell him you don't like it but don't threaten to end it over that. Music festivals aren't just drugs and sex, and you sound like you have trust issues seeing as you think he will cheat on you.
I feel you already know the answer to this question. What are you 'in love' with? The way he treats you? The way he disregards your feelings?It's clear (to me) that he only sees you as a 'for now' girlfriend. Don't be that girl.Instead of watching what he does or doesn't do, why don't you focus on building yourself up? I'm not trying to be horrible but you sound needy. That is NOT ATTRACTIVE!You can and will do better than this guy but YOU must know your worth. Don't wait around to be validated by some dude that doesn't give two sh**s about you.
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