Boyfriend has depression and wants to break up...

Just having a bit of a rubbish time at the moment and could really use some advice.

I've been great friends with a guy for a while and we've been going out for over a month now. He's lovely, sweet and makes me extremely happy. We have lots in common and love spending time together, so I was really shocked when he said he didn't want to be with me anymore. The only problem is that we live over an hour apart, so we only see each other once or twice a week (plus staying the night as much as possible), but that hadn't been too much of a problem for me because if I felt down or missed him, it was only a few more days before getting to see him again.

Lately he's going through a period of depression which have been occurring every so often for several years now - his episodes tend to last a few weeks in which he isolates himself and hardly communicates with people. I've seen him for half-hour periods twice this week because that's all he's felt up to, and it's heartbreaking the difference in behaviour that depression can cause (as I've previously had to experience with a close friend a few years ago), but I'm still 100% willing to be with him despite this because I care about him so much and know that his illness isn't his fault and that episodes eventually pass.

Today he told me, completely unexpectedly, that he doesn't think we should go out anymore because of the distance. I was completely shocked and upset - it was an event which just topped off my terrible last few weeks and left me in floods of tears on the floor of the bathroom and not knowing what to do with myself.

I was rather confused by this - if distance is such a problem, why hadn't he told me before? Surely twice a week is enough to see your boyfriend/girlfriend without wanting to break up over it, as people living much closer together don't see each other nearly as often? Is it possible that it's just the depression talking, or could this be the way he really feels? Does anyone else have a partner with depression or a similar illness, and if so, how do you deal with it?

Thanks so much for any help :smile:

Reply 1

Xenomorph v2.1

14

I've been in your shoes before, EXACT same scenario and the very same circumstances.

My girlfriend was just depressed and disappointed with the way her life's turning out and she said she doesn't want to be with me anymore (also using distance as a reason!). I knew what the true reason was though, and instead of creating drama out of it (which would only affect her more) I told her I respect her decision and would still like to be in her life and be there for her if she ever needed anything.

I think you should do this, respect his decision and let him know you understand he's going through a very tough time. Be there for him, support him, let him vent his frustrations out on you when he's feeling low...show him that you genuinely care about him regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not.

Eventually when things get better for him, he'll think the world of you and really appreciate you being there for him :smile:

good luck!

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Thank you so much for the great advice it's good to know I'm not the only person going through a similar experience.

I really dislike the use of distance as an excuse in relationships, especially the distance of a couple hours or less, because if you genuinely care about the other person then the travel time is nothing when compared to the joy of getting to see them again and spending a couple of days together - another reason I hope he doesn't really mean what he's saying. He says that he adores me and thinks I'm wonderful and that he'd never want to hurt me, but that the distance gets to him - he told me "you're not here when I need you" which really hurts to hear.

We've agreed to meet up after next weekend has passed and go do something together as 'friends', something which seems a bit heartbreaking to me right now but should give us an opportunity to talk about how he feels and what he wants to do. Hoping it'll help him realise his irrational behavior resulting from depression and change his mind about it..I really hope so.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

Anonymous

Today he told me, completely unexpectedly, that he doesn't think we should go out anymore because of the distance. I was completely shocked and upset - it was an event which just topped off my terrible last few weeks and left me in floods of tears on the floor of the bathroom and not knowing what to do with myself.

I was rather confused by this - if distance is such a problem, why hadn't he told me before? Surely twice a week is enough to see your boyfriend/girlfriend without wanting to break up over it, as people living much closer together don't see each other nearly as often? Is it possible that it's just the depression talking, or could this be the way he really feels? Does anyone else have a partner with depression or a similar illness, and if so, how do you deal with it?

Thanks so much for any help :smile:

Posting anon purely because of personal issues,

Ok, from the top, I live 5 hours away from my boyfriend, I see him for a day, every 2 or 3 weeks, he has had depression, self-harmed, nearly committed suicide (before we were together) and still has episodes of depression now. We've been together nearly 2 years now, I love him though and sometimes it tears me up but we have never thought of splitting up despite the fact I struggled with bulimia a while ago, we got through it, distance can be tough, there are times I've cried and cried, scared that I'll lose him, but we got through.

For you, do you trust him completely? Are you willing to feel like your being torn apart? Are you willing to support him and listen to him?
For now, wait, things can get irrational in times of depression, ask him if he'll meet you in the next few days, somewhere you can talk and if you can bear it, ask him to try and talk to you seriously about things,
does he have support of any kind? It can be very helpful, try and give him the space he needs but you need to understand if the need to see you is what he can't cope with, try and be positive about the distance, talk to him as much as you can and don't give up on him yet, sometimes in depression, you can feel like testing relationships to see if people actually care or not, don't let him think you don't and seriously just let him know it can be ok, be honest with him and not hysterical.

Make sure you've got friends you can talk to at the moment to get you through, you need the support too.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Anonymous

Posting anon purely because of personal issues,

Ok, from the top, I live 5 hours away from my boyfriend, I see him for a day, every 2 or 3 weeks, he has had depression, self-harmed, nearly committed suicide (before we were together) and still has episodes of depression now. We've been together nearly 2 years now, I love him though and sometimes it tears me up but we have never thought of splitting up despite the fact I struggled with bulimia a while ago, we got through it, distance can be tough, there are times I've cried and cried, scared that I'll lose him, but we got through.

For you, do you trust him completely? Are you willing to feel like your being torn apart? Are you willing to support him and listen to him?
For now, wait, things can get irrational in times of depression, ask him if he'll meet you in the next few days, somewhere you can talk and if you can bear it, ask him to try and talk to you seriously about things,
does he have support of any kind? It can be very helpful, try and give him the space he needs but you need to understand if the need to see you is what he can't cope with, try and be positive about the distance, talk to him as much as you can and don't give up on him yet, sometimes in depression, you can feel like testing relationships to see if people actually care or not, don't let him think you don't and seriously just let him know it can be ok, be honest with him and not hysterical.

Make sure you've got friends you can talk to at the moment to get you through, you need the support too.

Thank you so much :smile:

He's busy with family stuff before going away later next week, though we've agreed to go out somewhere the week after as 'just friends' which will be a little difficult, but if it gives me a chance to have a proper talk with him then I'm all for it. It can be really frustrating having the depressed person distance themselves from you when all you want to do is reach out and help, but although patience is vital it can be a bit frustrating. I'm really hoping he'll be feeling more like himself by the time we meet up so he can make a proper judgement about our relationship..until then I won't give up and will attempt to give him as much encouragement and support as he needs.

Boyfriend has depression and wants to break up...

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