Are You In an Abusive Relationship?
The demographic here is young so I doubt many of you will be, but if you are, read this
I have no sympathy for those who saw the signs and ignored it, but I (like every other normal person) always like to persuade people in these situations to get themselves out of it before its too late.
Are you in one still? Is so, why?
Have you been in one? Give us your tales of inspiration if you've escaped and never looked back. Cheers.
I have no sympathy for those who saw the signs and ignored it, but I (like every other normal person) always like to persuade people in these situations to get themselves out of it before its too late.
Are you in one still? Is so, why?
Have you been in one? Give us your tales of inspiration if you've escaped and never looked back. Cheers.
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I also fail to understand how people my age get themselves into abusive relationships. They generally don't LIVE with the guy, or have any commitments such as children that they have to stay with them for. I have a friend who's ex used to bite her and rip her hair out (in a non-sexual way might I add!) but she stayed with him cos she 'loved him'...yet she basked in all the sympathy and attention she would get when he had hurt her...almost like she was addicted to it. Very strange behaviour.
sometimes its harder to leave an abusive relationship because thats when your most likely to get hurt.
When me and my ex were together i tried to leave on several occasions- once he held me in his room with a knife laughing at me crying. I asked him about it after he said 'it was funny'.
He would also grab me and push me up walls, follow me around in his car and on one occassion even camped outside my house in torrential downpour. He wouldnt ALLOW me to leave peacefully.
When me and my ex were together i tried to leave on several occasions- once he held me in his room with a knife laughing at me crying. I asked him about it after he said 'it was funny'.
He would also grab me and push me up walls, follow me around in his car and on one occassion even camped outside my house in torrential downpour. He wouldnt ALLOW me to leave peacefully.
I'm not now, but I was for nearly 6 years. Saying that you think people in that situation should just "get themselves out of it" really demonstrates a complete non-understanding of what it is like to be in an abusive relationship.
It takes a particular type of person to abuse their partner. They are sneaky, they are extremely controlling, they play with their partner's emotions and can be very persuasive. One of the most common things an abused partner will say is "its my own fault". They are persuaded that the abusive partner was never like this before they met, that they 'wind them up', that they are a horrible person and that they deserve everything that is happening to them. I am an educated, smart, professional, independant woman. And yet this time 2 years ago I firmly believed I was an evil, manipulative life-ruiner, who had to be kept in check. When I think back it seems utterly crazy, but that is just what an abusive partner wants you to feel. They want to feel needed and be in control.
My ex-partner controlled everything. He would tell me what time to get up in the morning, what clothes to wear, what to eat, what to watch on TV. He controlled absolutely everything about my day, just as though I was a toddler. Now, that seems obscene, but when I was actually in the situation he had me believing completely that I couldn't do these things for myself, that I couldn't be trusted to do so. He made me so completely dependant on him that when I left him I was lost. I just didn't know how to survive on my own, and I had to learn to be independant again. Now I have my own flat, a good job, good bunch of friends, I pay the bills, I budget my own money (He wouldn't let me use my own bank account) and generally look after myself.
But leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done. I walked out in the clothes I was wearing, didn't have time to take even one thing with me, no money, no debit card, no phone, no house keys. I turned up on a friend's doorstep, soaking wet and sobbing. He (who had followed me) was in the road screaming obscenities at me. Fortunately, she let me in, made me comfortable and really helped me out. I ended up living with her for 6 months before I got my own place. I went the following day to a women's aid centre and they assigned me an emergency case worker, and with a police escort we went back to the flat we shared, where I had 30 minutes to grab what I could. Fortunately for me, by the time I left I totally hated him, so there was one less emotional barrier to get over.
If only it were as simple as just leaving the situation. My ex-partner used to lock the door and put the keys in his pocket when he was abusing me, so aside from being a huge emotional barrier he physically prevented me from leaving. The couple of times I managed to get out of the house he would stalk my every step, scream at me, hit me, threatened to kill my cat if I didn't go home etc.
It took me 6 years to finally build up the courage to leave him. I even accepted at one point that he was going to kill me. I just thought that that was the way it had to be, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had completely given up on life. So it is defintely not as easy as "just leave", and for an abused partner that makes it even harder to leave, the fear that you will be judged by other people and society in general for what you allowed to happen.
It takes a particular type of person to abuse their partner. They are sneaky, they are extremely controlling, they play with their partner's emotions and can be very persuasive. One of the most common things an abused partner will say is "its my own fault". They are persuaded that the abusive partner was never like this before they met, that they 'wind them up', that they are a horrible person and that they deserve everything that is happening to them. I am an educated, smart, professional, independant woman. And yet this time 2 years ago I firmly believed I was an evil, manipulative life-ruiner, who had to be kept in check. When I think back it seems utterly crazy, but that is just what an abusive partner wants you to feel. They want to feel needed and be in control.
My ex-partner controlled everything. He would tell me what time to get up in the morning, what clothes to wear, what to eat, what to watch on TV. He controlled absolutely everything about my day, just as though I was a toddler. Now, that seems obscene, but when I was actually in the situation he had me believing completely that I couldn't do these things for myself, that I couldn't be trusted to do so. He made me so completely dependant on him that when I left him I was lost. I just didn't know how to survive on my own, and I had to learn to be independant again. Now I have my own flat, a good job, good bunch of friends, I pay the bills, I budget my own money (He wouldn't let me use my own bank account) and generally look after myself.
But leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done. I walked out in the clothes I was wearing, didn't have time to take even one thing with me, no money, no debit card, no phone, no house keys. I turned up on a friend's doorstep, soaking wet and sobbing. He (who had followed me) was in the road screaming obscenities at me. Fortunately, she let me in, made me comfortable and really helped me out. I ended up living with her for 6 months before I got my own place. I went the following day to a women's aid centre and they assigned me an emergency case worker, and with a police escort we went back to the flat we shared, where I had 30 minutes to grab what I could. Fortunately for me, by the time I left I totally hated him, so there was one less emotional barrier to get over.
If only it were as simple as just leaving the situation. My ex-partner used to lock the door and put the keys in his pocket when he was abusing me, so aside from being a huge emotional barrier he physically prevented me from leaving. The couple of times I managed to get out of the house he would stalk my every step, scream at me, hit me, threatened to kill my cat if I didn't go home etc.
It took me 6 years to finally build up the courage to leave him. I even accepted at one point that he was going to kill me. I just thought that that was the way it had to be, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had completely given up on life. So it is defintely not as easy as "just leave", and for an abused partner that makes it even harder to leave, the fear that you will be judged by other people and society in general for what you allowed to happen.
Original post by Dr Good Manners
The demographic here is young so I doubt many of you will be, but if you are, read this
Holy **** that is near where I use to live
I have been and it lasted nearly a year!! I wasnt getting off with the attention from other people because I only told 1 person what was going on and I trusted him not to tell anyone else which he didn't..
I did try to leave but them type of guys do know how to play with your emotions! Its not just as easy as "oh he hit me, ill leave and not look back now" I did really like him and after forgiving it once and hoping that it was a mistake and that he'll change makes it turn into a horrible cycle when he then knows he can get away with it..
I also met him because I moved into a flat with strangers and I was stuck living with him all year..It only ended when I went home for the summer and he wasnt there and I realised how great it was to be free.. sometimes you just don't see it until it happens! We had still booked a holiday though with my parents and I told him he could still go as my friend because I kept talking to him but he beat me up in the hotel room on the 1st night and I went to my parents to show them the damage and finally opened up to everyone about it! It did make me realise that I have the best friends and family in the world!
It has really effected me though, I can't stand anyone raising their voice with me and also with my current boyfriend if he moves to quickly I feel like flinching.. He's very understanding though! I'm glad I'm finally in a better relationship!
I did try to leave but them type of guys do know how to play with your emotions! Its not just as easy as "oh he hit me, ill leave and not look back now" I did really like him and after forgiving it once and hoping that it was a mistake and that he'll change makes it turn into a horrible cycle when he then knows he can get away with it..
I also met him because I moved into a flat with strangers and I was stuck living with him all year..It only ended when I went home for the summer and he wasnt there and I realised how great it was to be free.. sometimes you just don't see it until it happens! We had still booked a holiday though with my parents and I told him he could still go as my friend because I kept talking to him but he beat me up in the hotel room on the 1st night and I went to my parents to show them the damage and finally opened up to everyone about it! It did make me realise that I have the best friends and family in the world!
It has really effected me though, I can't stand anyone raising their voice with me and also with my current boyfriend if he moves to quickly I feel like flinching.. He's very understanding though! I'm glad I'm finally in a better relationship!
Original post by Dr Good Manners
The demographic here is young so I doubt many of you will be, but if you are, read this
I have no sympathy for those who saw the signs and ignored it, but I (like every other normal person) always like to persuade people in these situations to get themselves out of it before its too late.
Are you in one still? Is so, why?
Have you been in one? Give us your tales of inspiration if you've escaped and never looked back. Cheers.
I have no sympathy for those who saw the signs and ignored it, but I (like every other normal person) always like to persuade people in these situations to get themselves out of it before its too late.
Are you in one still? Is so, why?
Have you been in one? Give us your tales of inspiration if you've escaped and never looked back. Cheers.
Oh that's nice
Thank you for your responses everybody 
Not gonna lie, I am a much less empathetic human being now than I was as a child. What ever rock bottom position I found myself in growing up, I got myself out, I've never had people hold my hand, support me or look out for me in anyway (I still don't) and its made me the strongest and most resilient person I know. So thats why I encourage those to help themselves rather than sympathise with people in these situations.
I don't want to see people in these kind of relationships, but the only people that can put an end to them are the people themselves getting abused. You can think I'm an ignorant simpleton for believing this, but I'd rather tell the truth than what people want to hear. More often than not, the correct path is the most difficult to take.
I'm really pleased to see you got out your toxic relationship and found happiness with someone decent, I truely am. But reading the above made me feel sick. A true friend would not stand by and watch their friend get battered in secret. Hes a yes man and that to me is the worst type of "friend". I hope you binned him.
But as I said, I'm pleased you found happiness with a good guy and I hope you never go though what have been ever again.
Did you pre-warn him on the occations you planned to leave? You dont have to give anymore details if you'd rather not. And again I'm truely happy for you that you did leave and inspire others in similar situations to do the same, no matter how difficult.
I would also add injuctions exist to protect people from animals like this. I urge anyone in this position to use them.
Firstly, as I've said to the other ladies, I admire your strength in not only leaving in the first place but to be able to talk about it openly here. Thank you for that.
With regards to the comment above, I don't agree with it. Why? Well, in my whole life, the amount of positive to negative treatment and opinions I get about me both from strangers and people who know of me (rather than friend) are hugely negative. And not regards to my personality either.
So with this feedback, technically, I should be suicidal or a recluse that never leaves the house or holds down a job. But I am the opposite of these things because I drive myself. I don't let negativity rule my life. If I can create my own self confidence and respect myself, I believe others can too.
Anyway, I hope people read how you over came your situation and follow in your footsteps. Despite what you said about fear of being "judged", you are an inspiration.
Not gonna lie, I am a much less empathetic human being now than I was as a child. What ever rock bottom position I found myself in growing up, I got myself out, I've never had people hold my hand, support me or look out for me in anyway (I still don't) and its made me the strongest and most resilient person I know. So thats why I encourage those to help themselves rather than sympathise with people in these situations.
I don't want to see people in these kind of relationships, but the only people that can put an end to them are the people themselves getting abused. You can think I'm an ignorant simpleton for believing this, but I'd rather tell the truth than what people want to hear. More often than not, the correct path is the most difficult to take.
Original post by xXHolly_90Xx
.....because I only told 1 person what was going on and I trusted him not to tell anyone else which he didn't
I'm really pleased to see you got out your toxic relationship and found happiness with someone decent, I truely am. But reading the above made me feel sick. A true friend would not stand by and watch their friend get battered in secret. Hes a yes man and that to me is the worst type of "friend". I hope you binned him.
But as I said, I'm pleased you found happiness with a good guy and I hope you never go though what have been ever again.
Original post by pinkangelgirl
sometimes its harder to leave an abusive relationship because thats when your most likely to get hurt.
When me and my ex were together i tried to leave on several occasions- once he held me in his room with a knife laughing at me crying. I asked him about it after he said 'it was funny'.
He would also grab me and push me up walls, follow me around in his car and on one occassion even camped outside my house in torrential downpour. He wouldnt ALLOW me to leave peacefully.
When me and my ex were together i tried to leave on several occasions- once he held me in his room with a knife laughing at me crying. I asked him about it after he said 'it was funny'.
He would also grab me and push me up walls, follow me around in his car and on one occassion even camped outside my house in torrential downpour. He wouldnt ALLOW me to leave peacefully.
Did you pre-warn him on the occations you planned to leave? You dont have to give anymore details if you'd rather not. And again I'm truely happy for you that you did leave and inspire others in similar situations to do the same, no matter how difficult.
I would also add injuctions exist to protect people from animals like this. I urge anyone in this position to use them.
Original post by Vohamanah
I'm not now, but I was for nearly 6 years. Saying that you think people in that situation should just "get themselves out of it" really demonstrates a complete non-understanding of what it is like to be in an abusive relationship....
Firstly, as I've said to the other ladies, I admire your strength in not only leaving in the first place but to be able to talk about it openly here. Thank you for that.
With regards to the comment above, I don't agree with it. Why? Well, in my whole life, the amount of positive to negative treatment and opinions I get about me both from strangers and people who know of me (rather than friend) are hugely negative. And not regards to my personality either.
So with this feedback, technically, I should be suicidal or a recluse that never leaves the house or holds down a job. But I am the opposite of these things because I drive myself. I don't let negativity rule my life. If I can create my own self confidence and respect myself, I believe others can too.
Anyway, I hope people read how you over came your situation and follow in your footsteps. Despite what you said about fear of being "judged", you are an inspiration.
Original post by Dr Good Manners
Firstly, as I've said to the other ladies, I admire your strength in not only leaving in the first place but to be able to talk about it openly here. Thank you for that.
With regards to the comment above, I don't agree with it. Why? Well, in my whole life, the amount of positive to negative treatment and opinions I get about me both from strangers and people who know of me (rather than friend) are hugely negative. And not regards to my personality either.
So with this feedback, technically, I should be suicidal or a recluse that never leaves the house or holds down a job. But I am the opposite of these things because I drive myself. I don't let negativity rule my life. If I can create my own self confidence and respect myself, I believe others can too.
Anyway, I hope people read how you over came your situation and follow in your footsteps. Despite what you said about fear of being "judged", you are an inspiration.
With regards to the comment above, I don't agree with it. Why? Well, in my whole life, the amount of positive to negative treatment and opinions I get about me both from strangers and people who know of me (rather than friend) are hugely negative. And not regards to my personality either.
So with this feedback, technically, I should be suicidal or a recluse that never leaves the house or holds down a job. But I am the opposite of these things because I drive myself. I don't let negativity rule my life. If I can create my own self confidence and respect myself, I believe others can too.
Anyway, I hope people read how you over came your situation and follow in your footsteps. Despite what you said about fear of being "judged", you are an inspiration.
Thanks so much fr your kind comments
I will admit I put off reading this after it popped up in my "Who Quoted Me" box, because even though I'm out of the situation now, some people can be incredibly rude and judgmental about people who are or have been in abusive relationships. Initially I turned to forums for advice and people to talk to, but after some of the bile-fueled replies I received I ended up trying to avoid the subject. I've been called a troll because "nobody's really stupid enough to put up with that" and derided as an attention seeker for calling the police after he beat me black and blue (that was on a thread on TSR). I've had what I thought were private PMs about my situation and how I was planning to escape it published on a public thread, with the other person calling me manipulative and a liar, after simply confiding in someone my situation (that was Moneysavingexpert forums). Apparently I "didn't care enough" about my situation and I needed a kick up the backside, so they thought they'd publish all my private PMs to give me that. The latter was particularly worrying because it was published along with my real name which could have been very dangerous for me had my then-partner looked me up on the Internet. Fortunately the moderators removed it quite quickly after I and the vast majority of people who read it reported it.
With regards to the quote, I really admire people whon have managed to triumph through their own adversity and come out stronger. Now, I am far stronger than I was before the relationship. But at the time, and this is what I was trying to convey in my post, I was so controlled and brow-beaten, I was told I was useless and evil and greedy and a horrible person who would never achieve anything, all day, every day. Eventually after that kind of treatment you start to believe it, and think that you are the one at fault. I'm still kind of getting around to the idea that I'm not a horrible evil, scheming person, in actual fact, two years later.
Really you're in an entirely different state of mind, and the only way I can explain it is its like being a young child. "Getting yourself out of it" is about as dauting as a young child running away from home. Its not an equal partnership whereby I could listen to his opinion and disregard it and leave. I was completely infantilised(?) and almost brainwashed by everything he said about me. I can see that now, but at the time I was like a child, and it was definitely not as easy as just pulling myself together and leaving.
At the end of it, it took great strength of character to leave, and I am lucky that deep down I am so strong that I not only survived relatively unscathed for 6 years, but that I got myself out of it and am now independant and supporting myself. But I fully understand why people who are still in that situation find it so gut-wrenchingly difficult to even think about leaving.
i didnt leave because of that. He dumped me. But yes i wish i had left and countless times i wish id had the courage to leave such a monster.
I was, for over a year, when I was 18/19. It was a hard time in my life anyway, and the boy in question took advantage of this. I'd never had a boyfriend before, let alone any male attention, so I suppose you could say I was quite naive about it all. Don't get me wrong, a part of me always knew I was being treated badly but I was, like many others, too scared to leave.
I like to share my story as I'm proud of what I did and I'm not ashamed of myself back then - the relationship isn't something I can now change and at least I know I'll never let anyone treat me like that again. The boy in question was mentally abusive, which was part of the reason the relationship lasted so long. I used to tell myself 'well, if he ever hits me properly OF COURSE I'll leave...' but when someone is telling you daily you're boring, stupid, ugly, incapable of functioning in normal society, a ******* ****, psycho bitch and a whore eventually, no matter how strong and confident and intelligent and happy you are, it has an effect. I spent time most days curled up on my bed in the foetal position, sobbing, but I genuinely had been reduced to a point where I didn't think I could cope without him, let alone find anyone else who would love the horrible person he made me believe I was. I hid the worst things from my parents (kicking me out of his uni accommodation the first time I visited, in a strange city, without any of my belongings, so I had to grovel to be let back in; actively putting his finger to his lips and going 'shhh' to me in front of all his friends) which now rings alarm bells, but I thought I loved him and I was pathetically grateful for the fact he loved me.
Even the stuff I did tell my mum was enough for her to despatch me round to his house, pathetically clutching my piece of paper listing 'how to tell if you're in an abusive relationship' which I found online (I could tick every box), genuinely thinking he might realise his wrongs and beg for forgiveness. He laughed at me and said he couldn't believe I had the audacity to even THINK I was the victim of abuse when clearly (!) it was ME who was the abusive one.
My friends kept telling me to leave, and I later found out there was agroup of HIS friends campaigning MY friends to do anything to get me to break up with him, but there's no telling 18 year olds what to do! Eventually he broke up with me (which is what I'd been desperately hoping for, I'd heard the vicious stories he'd spread about his ex when they broke up, and I was so insecure I couldn't bear to put myself through that) and though part of me was heartbroken, I quite literally felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. His own mother followed me out of the house and begged me not to let him hurt me again. I think that says something!!
That really isn't the half of it, but I just want anyone to know that you're better than anyone who thinks they can reduce you to a pathetic shell of your former self to make themselves feel better. Even if you can't leave at the moment, eventually you'll be free of whoever makes you feel like that. It took me a while to recover (my next boyfriend's mantra for a while was 'you do realise you don't have to say sorry for everything you ever do, right?' I cried to my mum the first time he got on the bus and came to my house, bringing ice-cream and a film, because I couldn't believe anyone would actually be that NICE to me) but now it's like he never existed.
Seriously, if something is ringing warning bells about someone, then trust YOU, not THEM. You're not a bitch or a whore nor anything else he or she may care to call you, and you're not ugly or boring and you're certainly not stupid. You don't have to believe what ANYONE says about you, and certainly not someone who's supposed to love and care for you. I'm at a great uni, I have the best friends and family in the world, and a boyfriend of two and a half years who makes me happy every. single. day. That's how it should be and no-one deserves to think they don't have a chance at all that!
I like to share my story as I'm proud of what I did and I'm not ashamed of myself back then - the relationship isn't something I can now change and at least I know I'll never let anyone treat me like that again. The boy in question was mentally abusive, which was part of the reason the relationship lasted so long. I used to tell myself 'well, if he ever hits me properly OF COURSE I'll leave...' but when someone is telling you daily you're boring, stupid, ugly, incapable of functioning in normal society, a ******* ****, psycho bitch and a whore eventually, no matter how strong and confident and intelligent and happy you are, it has an effect. I spent time most days curled up on my bed in the foetal position, sobbing, but I genuinely had been reduced to a point where I didn't think I could cope without him, let alone find anyone else who would love the horrible person he made me believe I was. I hid the worst things from my parents (kicking me out of his uni accommodation the first time I visited, in a strange city, without any of my belongings, so I had to grovel to be let back in; actively putting his finger to his lips and going 'shhh' to me in front of all his friends) which now rings alarm bells, but I thought I loved him and I was pathetically grateful for the fact he loved me.
Even the stuff I did tell my mum was enough for her to despatch me round to his house, pathetically clutching my piece of paper listing 'how to tell if you're in an abusive relationship' which I found online (I could tick every box), genuinely thinking he might realise his wrongs and beg for forgiveness. He laughed at me and said he couldn't believe I had the audacity to even THINK I was the victim of abuse when clearly (!) it was ME who was the abusive one.
My friends kept telling me to leave, and I later found out there was agroup of HIS friends campaigning MY friends to do anything to get me to break up with him, but there's no telling 18 year olds what to do! Eventually he broke up with me (which is what I'd been desperately hoping for, I'd heard the vicious stories he'd spread about his ex when they broke up, and I was so insecure I couldn't bear to put myself through that) and though part of me was heartbroken, I quite literally felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. His own mother followed me out of the house and begged me not to let him hurt me again. I think that says something!!
That really isn't the half of it, but I just want anyone to know that you're better than anyone who thinks they can reduce you to a pathetic shell of your former self to make themselves feel better. Even if you can't leave at the moment, eventually you'll be free of whoever makes you feel like that. It took me a while to recover (my next boyfriend's mantra for a while was 'you do realise you don't have to say sorry for everything you ever do, right?' I cried to my mum the first time he got on the bus and came to my house, bringing ice-cream and a film, because I couldn't believe anyone would actually be that NICE to me) but now it's like he never existed.
Seriously, if something is ringing warning bells about someone, then trust YOU, not THEM. You're not a bitch or a whore nor anything else he or she may care to call you, and you're not ugly or boring and you're certainly not stupid. You don't have to believe what ANYONE says about you, and certainly not someone who's supposed to love and care for you. I'm at a great uni, I have the best friends and family in the world, and a boyfriend of two and a half years who makes me happy every. single. day. That's how it should be and no-one deserves to think they don't have a chance at all that!
Yes I was, and from my perspective, I only realized after it ended. You manage to rationalize everything, and find excuses for why you deserve to be treated that way.
And I'll be honest, although I have mostly gotten over it, there are parts of me that probably never will, seeing as it was my firs relationship. Hasn't set me up too well for the future!
All of that having been said, more than willing to talk to others and give advice about it, if needed!
And I'll be honest, although I have mostly gotten over it, there are parts of me that probably never will, seeing as it was my firs relationship. Hasn't set me up too well for the future!
All of that having been said, more than willing to talk to others and give advice about it, if needed!
Original post by Vohamanah
I'm not now, but I was for nearly 6 years. Saying that you think people in that situation should just "get themselves out of it" really demonstrates a complete non-understanding of what it is like to be in an abusive relationship.
I completely agree with everything you say. But mostly this part.
I'm so sorry to hear that you endured 6 years of abuse
I was in, what I would consider now, an abusive relationship. It has taken me a few months to actually allow myself to express it as such. I have tried for so long to disguise it as something else- incompatibility I suppose.
I still find it really difficult to talk about. People know me on here, but I have only told one person (in person) the whole truth. I haven't even told my parents and I doubt I ever will.
I was in a relationship for about a year and a half. At first everything seemed fine but within the first two months there were the little 'warning signs'. He would get angry, hit things. When I told him he was scaring me he broke down and apologised. I felt bad for him. I thought it was my fault and I was the one who had caused it and made him angry- this was my weakness.
I don't remember the first time I had a bruise. He would probably say it wasnt an abusive relationship because he didn't hit me, or at least not often. He hit me once or twice, I dont know if it was a complete accident but I stand by the fact that he should not have been sat on me, pinning me down and shouting in my face...
He punched a hole in my bedroom wall. He used to kick me, grab me, throw me, push me against things and throw objects at me. We used to argue nearly every single day, but he used to tell me that if I left him I would have no-one, that no-one else loved me or cared about me. This used to be repeated so much that I actually started to believe it was true
He was insecure and would get angry at me for having pictures with male friends. He made me cry when I was thousands of miles away on holiday.
I finally got out of that relationship. I was so unhapy. I can honestly, hand on heart say it was the best decision of my life to leave. Mine wasn't as horrifc as some people experience but I would not wish domestic violence on my worst enemy.
Original post by Dr Good Manners
Thank you for your responses everybody
Not gonna lie, I am a much less empathetic human being now than I was as a child. What ever rock bottom position I found myself in growing up, I got myself out, I've never had people hold my hand, support me or look out for me in anyway (I still don't) and its made me the strongest and most resilient person I know. So thats why I encourage those to help themselves rather than sympathise with people in these situations.
I don't want to see people in these kind of relationships, but the only people that can put an end to them are the people themselves getting abused. You can think I'm an ignorant simpleton for believing this, but I'd rather tell the truth than what people want to hear. More often than not, the correct path is the most difficult to take.
Not gonna lie, I am a much less empathetic human being now than I was as a child. What ever rock bottom position I found myself in growing up, I got myself out, I've never had people hold my hand, support me or look out for me in anyway (I still don't) and its made me the strongest and most resilient person I know. So thats why I encourage those to help themselves rather than sympathise with people in these situations.
I don't want to see people in these kind of relationships, but the only people that can put an end to them are the people themselves getting abused. You can think I'm an ignorant simpleton for believing this, but I'd rather tell the truth than what people want to hear. More often than not, the correct path is the most difficult to take.
It's true. I agree completely, I've been in some ****ty positions when I was younger. I haven't let it affect me though and it makes you a stronger person.
The problem is that especially for women, the mans mentality and physical presence can scare her alone, then her fear causes her to love the guy irrationally.
Yep, and it was pretty much textbook abuse and simular to the other stories.
He was sweet, charming and caring in the begining, he told me he loved me after only a few weeks and put me on a pedestal bascially. But be careful of men who put you on a pedestal, becuase when you eventually fall (and you will), it's a long way down. You're suddenly a slut, stupid, you have no brain etc etc.
The abuse started early, first he isolated me from everyone, he was so manipulative and told me it was becuase i couldn't be trusted.
After a number of years, he was hitting me, choking me, locking me in the house, i wasn't allowed to have friends, or see my family, or if i did, he would call me and text me constantly.
I wasn't allowed to get a job where he didn't approve, i had to walk with my head looking at the ground becuase he screamed that i was looking at other men. He told me it was my own fault he hit me, and that i needed to change. He would look at other women and tell me how much hotter they were than me.
I wasn't allowed to the shops alot of the time, i wasn't even allowed out without him. He's stalk me, check through my phone/email/facebook everyday. If a man looked at me, he'd scream at me.
He told me i looked like a whore when i was wearing a teeshirt and jeans, he embarrassed me and talked to me like a dog in front of his friends, and if i answered back he'd humliate me further.
If i was late anywhere, he told me i was cheating on him. When i lived with friends, he sometimes wouldn't even let me in the living room of my own house if they were there, i had to stay by myself in my room so he could be on the phone.
If i was with friends, family or even by myself, and he was at work, he'd tell me to put the phone in my pocket, with him on the line, so he could hear who i was with/if i was talking to any man.
I wasn't allowed to order food from takeaways when i was at home.
If i saw a friend, or even my mum in town i wasn't allowed to talk to them if they were with a man.
When he hit me, he made sure it was on my body, never my face were others would see.
He'd sometimes scream and get in my face if i talked wrong, walked too fast or if i woke him up in the morning 'in a nasty way'.
Bascially, it was hell on earth. I felt psychically ill somedays wondering what he'd do. I was scared to go to my family's house in case they had people over. I had a panic attack, becuase i was just so sick of being screamed at. Everyday i'd do something wrong, and he'd have to 'correct me'
I am SO gald i'm away from him now, the thing with abuse is that it wears you down, so your too tired to leave. I was also scared, he told me how he'd kill me and never leave me alone if i left. If that didn't work, he beg and cry and make me feel guilty until i gave in.
I had to go to therapy after it ended, i did try to get him arrested but there wasn't enough evidence. And even though my friends have been supportive, when i told his friends, they still told me to go back to him and i'd never find anyone who loved me like he did.
This should be a warning to anyone in a relationship which has warning signs, don't ignore them, it'll only get worse people!
He was sweet, charming and caring in the begining, he told me he loved me after only a few weeks and put me on a pedestal bascially. But be careful of men who put you on a pedestal, becuase when you eventually fall (and you will), it's a long way down. You're suddenly a slut, stupid, you have no brain etc etc.
The abuse started early, first he isolated me from everyone, he was so manipulative and told me it was becuase i couldn't be trusted.
After a number of years, he was hitting me, choking me, locking me in the house, i wasn't allowed to have friends, or see my family, or if i did, he would call me and text me constantly.
I wasn't allowed to get a job where he didn't approve, i had to walk with my head looking at the ground becuase he screamed that i was looking at other men. He told me it was my own fault he hit me, and that i needed to change. He would look at other women and tell me how much hotter they were than me.
I wasn't allowed to the shops alot of the time, i wasn't even allowed out without him. He's stalk me, check through my phone/email/facebook everyday. If a man looked at me, he'd scream at me.
He told me i looked like a whore when i was wearing a teeshirt and jeans, he embarrassed me and talked to me like a dog in front of his friends, and if i answered back he'd humliate me further.
If i was late anywhere, he told me i was cheating on him. When i lived with friends, he sometimes wouldn't even let me in the living room of my own house if they were there, i had to stay by myself in my room so he could be on the phone.
If i was with friends, family or even by myself, and he was at work, he'd tell me to put the phone in my pocket, with him on the line, so he could hear who i was with/if i was talking to any man.
I wasn't allowed to order food from takeaways when i was at home.
If i saw a friend, or even my mum in town i wasn't allowed to talk to them if they were with a man.
When he hit me, he made sure it was on my body, never my face were others would see.
He'd sometimes scream and get in my face if i talked wrong, walked too fast or if i woke him up in the morning 'in a nasty way'.
Bascially, it was hell on earth. I felt psychically ill somedays wondering what he'd do. I was scared to go to my family's house in case they had people over. I had a panic attack, becuase i was just so sick of being screamed at. Everyday i'd do something wrong, and he'd have to 'correct me'
I am SO gald i'm away from him now, the thing with abuse is that it wears you down, so your too tired to leave. I was also scared, he told me how he'd kill me and never leave me alone if i left. If that didn't work, he beg and cry and make me feel guilty until i gave in.
I had to go to therapy after it ended, i did try to get him arrested but there wasn't enough evidence. And even though my friends have been supportive, when i told his friends, they still told me to go back to him and i'd never find anyone who loved me like he did.
This should be a warning to anyone in a relationship which has warning signs, don't ignore them, it'll only get worse people!
Original post by Sugar.And.Spice
Bascially, it was hell on earth. I felt psychically ill somedays wondering what he'd do. I was scared to go to my family's house in case they had people over. I had a panic attack, becuase i was just so sick of being screamed at. Everyday i'd do something wrong, and he'd have to 'correct me'
Bascially, it was hell on earth. I felt psychically ill somedays wondering what he'd do. I was scared to go to my family's house in case they had people over. I had a panic attack, becuase i was just so sick of being screamed at. Everyday i'd do something wrong, and he'd have to 'correct me'
How long were you in that situation for? (sorry if I've missed it in you original post but I couldnt see it)
Glad you got out of there! I can't believe his friends told you to go back to him as if they condone his behaviour. That's disgusting.
I used to get panic attacks and hyperventilate as well. Usually it was because I was crying so much where he was shouting at me/pushing me against the wall, but sometimes it was because I actually worried about what was going to happen next.
Original post by Jaydiee
How long were you in that situation for? (sorry if I've missed it in you original post but I couldnt see it)
Glad you got out of there! I can't believe his friends told you to go back to him as if they condone his behaviour. That's disgusting.
I used to get panic attacks and hyperventilate as well. Usually it was because I was crying so much where he was shouting at me/pushing me against the wall, but sometimes it was because I actually worried about what was going to happen next.
Glad you got out of there! I can't believe his friends told you to go back to him as if they condone his behaviour. That's disgusting.
I used to get panic attacks and hyperventilate as well. Usually it was because I was crying so much where he was shouting at me/pushing me against the wall, but sometimes it was because I actually worried about what was going to happen next.
Three long years
Thanks, I know i couldn't believe it either, i considered some of them my friends too, yet they kinda blamed me because i didn't 'make him trust me enough'
Yeah, same really i never knew how far he'd take it, once he put his hand over my mouth to stop me screaming, and i couldn't breathe and thought i might die from it. Was bad.
I told a few friends, but i didn't tell my parent's either, i don't know why, i guess i was ashamed really =/
I find it interesting how every abusive man is EXCATLY the same, reading your story, it's like we went out with the same man, they all seem to think and act in the same ways...
Original post by Sugar.And.Spice
Three long years
Thanks, I know i couldn't believe it either, i considered some of them my friends too, yet they kinda blamed me because i didn't 'make him trust me enough'
Yeah, same really i never knew how far he'd take it, once he put his hand over my mouth to stop me screaming, and i couldn't breathe and thought i might die from it. Was bad.
I told a few friends, but i didn't tell my parent's either, i don't know why, i guess i was ashamed really =/
I find it interesting how every abusive man is EXCATLY the same, reading your story, it's like we went out with the same man, they all seem to think and act in the same ways...
Thanks, I know i couldn't believe it either, i considered some of them my friends too, yet they kinda blamed me because i didn't 'make him trust me enough'
Yeah, same really i never knew how far he'd take it, once he put his hand over my mouth to stop me screaming, and i couldn't breathe and thought i might die from it. Was bad.
I told a few friends, but i didn't tell my parent's either, i don't know why, i guess i was ashamed really =/
I find it interesting how every abusive man is EXCATLY the same, reading your story, it's like we went out with the same man, they all seem to think and act in the same ways...
But they knew that he was treating you like that?! I'm sorry but even if you are the most untrustworthy person in the world that doesnt give any man the right to hit you or treat you the way he did ever!
Yeah I have only told 1 person. Its a bit late to tell everyone now I suppose and I still dont want to, I'm ashamed that I was too weak to leave him sooner
I think your ordeal was worse unfortunately. I was never stopped from talking to males he just used to get very jealous and angry whenever there were pictures of me and male friends together. He used to get angry/annoyed if I ever mentioned a celebrity being attractive. He did used to look through my phone and fb, he never actually said he was checking to see who I was talking to but could have been in hindsight.
Original post by pinkangelgirl
sometimes its harder to leave an abusive relationship because thats when your most likely to get hurt.
When me and my ex were together i tried to leave on several occasions- once he held me in his room with a knife laughing at me crying. I asked him about it after he said 'it was funny'.
He would also grab me and push me up walls, follow me around in his car and on one occassion even camped outside my house in torrential downpour. He wouldnt ALLOW me to leave peacefully.
When me and my ex were together i tried to leave on several occasions- once he held me in his room with a knife laughing at me crying. I asked him about it after he said 'it was funny'.
He would also grab me and push me up walls, follow me around in his car and on one occassion even camped outside my house in torrential downpour. He wouldnt ALLOW me to leave peacefully.
How did you manage to get out in the end?
It is hard, but one suggestion to all who stuggle when they get out is to get a restraining order.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by Vohamanah
I'm not now, but I was for nearly 6 years. Saying that you think people in that situation should just "get themselves out of it" really demonstrates a complete non-understanding of what it is like to be in an abusive relationship.
It takes a particular type of person to abuse their partner. They are sneaky, they are extremely controlling, they play with their partner's emotions and can be very persuasive. One of the most common things an abused partner will say is "its my own fault". They are persuaded that the abusive partner was never like this before they met, that they 'wind them up', that they are a horrible person and that they deserve everything that is happening to them. I am an educated, smart, professional, independant woman. And yet this time 2 years ago I firmly believed I was an evil, manipulative life-ruiner, who had to be kept in check. When I think back it seems utterly crazy, but that is just what an abusive partner wants you to feel. They want to feel needed and be in control.
My ex-partner controlled everything. He would tell me what time to get up in the morning, what clothes to wear, what to eat, what to watch on TV. He controlled absolutely everything about my day, just as though I was a toddler. Now, that seems obscene, but when I was actually in the situation he had me believing completely that I couldn't do these things for myself, that I couldn't be trusted to do so. He made me so completely dependant on him that when I left him I was lost. I just didn't know how to survive on my own, and I had to learn to be independant again. Now I have my own flat, a good job, good bunch of friends, I pay the bills, I budget my own money (He wouldn't let me use my own bank account) and generally look after myself.
But leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done. I walked out in the clothes I was wearing, didn't have time to take even one thing with me, no money, no debit card, no phone, no house keys. I turned up on a friend's doorstep, soaking wet and sobbing. He (who had followed me) was in the road screaming obscenities at me. Fortunately, she let me in, made me comfortable and really helped me out. I ended up living with her for 6 months before I got my own place. I went the following day to a women's aid centre and they assigned me an emergency case worker, and with a police escort we went back to the flat we shared, where I had 30 minutes to grab what I could. Fortunately for me, by the time I left I totally hated him, so there was one less emotional barrier to get over.
If only it were as simple as just leaving the situation. My ex-partner used to lock the door and put the keys in his pocket when he was abusing me, so aside from being a huge emotional barrier he physically prevented me from leaving. The couple of times I managed to get out of the house he would stalk my every step, scream at me, hit me, threatened to kill my cat if I didn't go home etc.
It took me 6 years to finally build up the courage to leave him. I even accepted at one point that he was going to kill me. I just thought that that was the way it had to be, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had completely given up on life. So it is defintely not as easy as "just leave", and for an abused partner that makes it even harder to leave, the fear that you will be judged by other people and society in general for what you allowed to happen.
It takes a particular type of person to abuse their partner. They are sneaky, they are extremely controlling, they play with their partner's emotions and can be very persuasive. One of the most common things an abused partner will say is "its my own fault". They are persuaded that the abusive partner was never like this before they met, that they 'wind them up', that they are a horrible person and that they deserve everything that is happening to them. I am an educated, smart, professional, independant woman. And yet this time 2 years ago I firmly believed I was an evil, manipulative life-ruiner, who had to be kept in check. When I think back it seems utterly crazy, but that is just what an abusive partner wants you to feel. They want to feel needed and be in control.
My ex-partner controlled everything. He would tell me what time to get up in the morning, what clothes to wear, what to eat, what to watch on TV. He controlled absolutely everything about my day, just as though I was a toddler. Now, that seems obscene, but when I was actually in the situation he had me believing completely that I couldn't do these things for myself, that I couldn't be trusted to do so. He made me so completely dependant on him that when I left him I was lost. I just didn't know how to survive on my own, and I had to learn to be independant again. Now I have my own flat, a good job, good bunch of friends, I pay the bills, I budget my own money (He wouldn't let me use my own bank account) and generally look after myself.
But leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done. I walked out in the clothes I was wearing, didn't have time to take even one thing with me, no money, no debit card, no phone, no house keys. I turned up on a friend's doorstep, soaking wet and sobbing. He (who had followed me) was in the road screaming obscenities at me. Fortunately, she let me in, made me comfortable and really helped me out. I ended up living with her for 6 months before I got my own place. I went the following day to a women's aid centre and they assigned me an emergency case worker, and with a police escort we went back to the flat we shared, where I had 30 minutes to grab what I could. Fortunately for me, by the time I left I totally hated him, so there was one less emotional barrier to get over.
If only it were as simple as just leaving the situation. My ex-partner used to lock the door and put the keys in his pocket when he was abusing me, so aside from being a huge emotional barrier he physically prevented me from leaving. The couple of times I managed to get out of the house he would stalk my every step, scream at me, hit me, threatened to kill my cat if I didn't go home etc.
It took me 6 years to finally build up the courage to leave him. I even accepted at one point that he was going to kill me. I just thought that that was the way it had to be, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had completely given up on life. So it is defintely not as easy as "just leave", and for an abused partner that makes it even harder to leave, the fear that you will be judged by other people and society in general for what you allowed to happen.
Well done for getting out.
What you said was spot on. In any abusive situation, it is not simple to "just leave" even when there are support networks out there, for many reasons.
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