The Student Room Group

How to deal with a abusive father?

So, this has been going on for basically since i hit puberty (around 12) up until now (almost 17). It’s gotten unbearable, and i’ve grown to reallllyyy dislike my father at times. It’s been bad, like, physically abusive bad, and that left me obviously with some major trauma, but lately his actions and just the way he functions in our house has really terribly and obviously affected every member of my family. I mean, to start, his personality is extremely narcissistic, he approaches almost every conversation with a hugely stand-offish tone that almost always ends in a fight, then screams at us when no one therefore wants to have a conversation with him, he genuinely acts like he hates my brother and i, which obviously hurts a lot, i’ve never heard him apologise for anything, it seems he genuinely can’t talk to anyone without saying at least, like, 5 passively aggressive things for absolutely no reason, and the list goes on. it gets so tiring being in the same house as him. i can’t be in the same room as him, i think because of the trauma from the physical abuse, and i seriously don’t think he’s ever had a real conversation with me. the most we’ve made is small talk my entire life, and even then he makes it obvious that it’s a chore for him, and we’ve never gone deeper than that. and i’ve tried, i really have, but he makes it impossible, he’s rude and insulting, and for that reason i’ve obviously grown pretty close to my mum instead. of course, he uses our strong relationship against us and constantly accuses everyone in the house of hating him, which always comes off as very guilt-trippy. also, he demands respect, (which i completely understand by the way and try my hardest to give it) but seriously does not respect a single member of this household, especially me. he wants this kind of victorian father-daughter power dynamic that i just can’t get behind, like i will completely respect you but it’s so hard when you treat me like i’m genuinely an inferior species. there’s a lot more, but basically for around 4 years it’s been like, if dad doesn’t pick a fight when he talks to you, you’re lucky.
my mum has recognised this behaviour as abusive for a couple of years now i think, it’s even harder for her and i feel terrible. no one should have to live like that and see constant conflict every day. i hate it too. my mum and i have agreed for ages that my dad needs some sort of anger management therapy but he refuses to go to therapy because, in his culture, he says it’s a sign of weakness. it’s so selfish. everyone in the house is so drained from his abuse and he refuses to change because its ‘his house’. i mean, he’s expressed multiple times that he wouldn’t mind if i was kicked out to live alone in the streets, and that i’m a disrespectful little *****. but yes, i just really want to know what i can do to stop him making me dread
home every day.
Reply 1
call social services or mbye police
the guy needs to get sorted
if u can get job money and bank account and try to leave with ur mom and bro
ASAP (love this phrase- srry of topic)
anyways srry life sucks eventhough i havent had it this bad in yrs
im 14 i still remeber when things like this used to happen but now it never there but its cause
mental issues now i suffer from inattentive adhd, bipolar, insomia, list goes on but i guess its life
my motto tht keeps me going is
'living die, dying live'
for me it mkes sense cauze i made it up obviosly but cause i am a muslim so when i think life is tuff i try to think about heaven and life being better in the afterlife.
this might not obviously apply to if u aint muslim but hope u get what i mean.
JF ZAK
🥹😜😜😜👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏾
(edited 11 months ago)
Reply 2
Original post by jlee22
So, this has been going on for basically since i hit puberty (around 12) up until now (almost 17). It’s gotten unbearable, and i’ve grown to reallllyyy dislike my father at times. It’s been bad, like, physically abusive bad, and that left me obviously with some major trauma, but lately his actions and just the way he functions in our house has really terribly and obviously affected every member of my family. I mean, to start, his personality is extremely narcissistic, he approaches almost every conversation with a hugely stand-offish tone that almost always ends in a fight, then screams at us when no one therefore wants to have a conversation with him, he genuinely acts like he hates my brother and i, which obviously hurts a lot, i’ve never heard him apologise for anything, it seems he genuinely can’t talk to anyone without saying at least, like, 5 passively aggressive things for absolutely no reason, and the list goes on. it gets so tiring being in the same house as him. i can’t be in the same room as him, i think because of the trauma from the physical abuse, and i seriously don’t think he’s ever had a real conversation with me. the most we’ve made is small talk my entire life, and even then he makes it obvious that it’s a chore for him, and we’ve never gone deeper than that. and i’ve tried, i really have, but he makes it impossible, he’s rude and insulting, and for that reason i’ve obviously grown pretty close to my mum instead. of course, he uses our strong relationship against us and constantly accuses everyone in the house of hating him, which always comes off as very guilt-trippy. also, he demands respect, (which i completely understand by the way and try my hardest to give it) but seriously does not respect a single member of this household, especially me. he wants this kind of victorian father-daughter power dynamic that i just can’t get behind, like i will completely respect you but it’s so hard when you treat me like i’m genuinely an inferior species. there’s a lot more, but basically for around 4 years it’s been like, if dad doesn’t pick a fight when he talks to you, you’re lucky.
my mum has recognised this behaviour as abusive for a couple of years now i think, it’s even harder for her and i feel terrible. no one should have to live like that and see constant conflict every day. i hate it too. my mum and i have agreed for ages that my dad needs some sort of anger management therapy but he refuses to go to therapy because, in his culture, he says it’s a sign of weakness. it’s so selfish. everyone in the house is so drained from his abuse and he refuses to change because its ‘his house’. i mean, he’s expressed multiple times that he wouldn’t mind if i was kicked out to live alone in the streets, and that i’m a disrespectful little *****. but yes, i just really want to know what i can do to stop him making me dread
home every day.


Hi there,

Sorry you are going through this.

Just reaching out to you as I wanted to let you know there is support available out there that may be of use:

- Victim Support
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/
Get in touch anytime for independent, free, and confidential advice:
Call Supportline on 08 08 16 89 111

- NSPCC
Please call the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 or email [email protected]. Please note that you still have the option to request anonymity via call or emails.

- Childline
Childline is free to contact on 0800 1111. Childline counsellors are here to take calls 24 hours a day, 7 days a week from children and young people under 19. Childline counsellors are also available to speak to online through 1-2-1 chat and via email.

- Refuge - Anyone, domestic violence
Website: https://www.refuge.org.uk

- Relate - Anyone, relationship support. Tel: 0300 0030 396 (need to book appointment for counselling)
Live chat: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationsh...hat-counsellor
Website: https://www.relate.org.uk

Hope you find this useful and please come into ATCS if you have any further questions.

Look after yourself.

Best wishes,
TSR Support
Original post by jlee22
So, this has been going on for basically since i hit puberty (around 12) up until now (almost 17). It’s gotten unbearable, and i’ve grown to reallllyyy dislike my father at times. It’s been bad, like, physically abusive bad, and that left me obviously with some major trauma, but lately his actions and just the way he functions in our house has really terribly and obviously affected every member of my family. I mean, to start, his personality is extremely narcissistic, he approaches almost every conversation with a hugely stand-offish tone that almost always ends in a fight, then screams at us when no one therefore wants to have a conversation with him, he genuinely acts like he hates my brother and i, which obviously hurts a lot, i’ve never heard him apologise for anything, it seems he genuinely can’t talk to anyone without saying at least, like, 5 passively aggressive things for absolutely no reason, and the list goes on. it gets so tiring being in the same house as him. i can’t be in the same room as him, i think because of the trauma from the physical abuse, and i seriously don’t think he’s ever had a real conversation with me. the most we’ve made is small talk my entire life, and even then he makes it obvious that it’s a chore for him, and we’ve never gone deeper than that. and i’ve tried, i really have, but he makes it impossible, he’s rude and insulting, and for that reason i’ve obviously grown pretty close to my mum instead. of course, he uses our strong relationship against us and constantly accuses everyone in the house of hating him, which always comes off as very guilt-trippy. also, he demands respect, (which i completely understand by the way and try my hardest to give it) but seriously does not respect a single member of this household, especially me. he wants this kind of victorian father-daughter power dynamic that i just can’t get behind, like i will completely respect you but it’s so hard when you treat me like i’m genuinely an inferior species. there’s a lot more, but basically for around 4 years it’s been like, if dad doesn’t pick a fight when he talks to you, you’re lucky.
my mum has recognised this behaviour as abusive for a couple of years now i think, it’s even harder for her and i feel terrible. no one should have to live like that and see constant conflict every day. i hate it too. my mum and i have agreed for ages that my dad needs some sort of anger management therapy but he refuses to go to therapy because, in his culture, he says it’s a sign of weakness. it’s so selfish. everyone in the house is so drained from his abuse and he refuses to change because its ‘his house’. i mean, he’s expressed multiple times that he wouldn’t mind if i was kicked out to live alone in the streets, and that i’m a disrespectful little *****. but yes, i just really want to know what i can do to stop him making me dread
home every day.

if it was my dad i knock him out and wait in tell he wake's up sometimes you have to teach them some respect
Reply 4
Original post by jlee22
So, this has been going on for basically since i hit puberty (around 12) up until now (almost 17). It’s gotten unbearable, and i’ve grown to reallllyyy dislike my father at times. It’s been bad, like, physically abusive bad, and that left me obviously with some major trauma, but lately his actions and just the way he functions in our house has really terribly and obviously affected every member of my family. I mean, to start, his personality is extremely narcissistic, he approaches almost every conversation with a hugely stand-offish tone that almost always ends in a fight, then screams at us when no one therefore wants to have a conversation with him, he genuinely acts like he hates my brother and i, which obviously hurts a lot, i’ve never heard him apologise for anything, it seems he genuinely can’t talk to anyone without saying at least, like, 5 passively aggressive things for absolutely no reason, and the list goes on. it gets so tiring being in the same house as him. i can’t be in the same room as him, i think because of the trauma from the physical abuse, and i seriously don’t think he’s ever had a real conversation with me. the most we’ve made is small talk my entire life, and even then he makes it obvious that it’s a chore for him, and we’ve never gone deeper than that. and i’ve tried, i really have, but he makes it impossible, he’s rude and insulting, and for that reason i’ve obviously grown pretty close to my mum instead. of course, he uses our strong relationship against us and constantly accuses everyone in the house of hating him, which always comes off as very guilt-trippy. also, he demands respect, (which i completely understand by the way and try my hardest to give it) but seriously does not respect a single member of this household, especially me. he wants this kind of victorian father-daughter power dynamic that i just can’t get behind, like i will completely respect you but it’s so hard when you treat me like i’m genuinely an inferior species. there’s a lot more, but basically for around 4 years it’s been like, if dad doesn’t pick a fight when he talks to you, you’re lucky.
my mum has recognised this behaviour as abusive for a couple of years now i think, it’s even harder for her and i feel terrible. no one should have to live like that and see constant conflict every day. i hate it too. my mum and i have agreed for ages that my dad needs some sort of anger management therapy but he refuses to go to therapy because, in his culture, he says it’s a sign of weakness. it’s so selfish. everyone in the house is so drained from his abuse and he refuses to change because its ‘his house’. i mean, he’s expressed multiple times that he wouldn’t mind if i was kicked out to live alone in the streets, and that i’m a disrespectful little *****. but yes, i just really want to know what i can do to stop him making me dread
home every day.

babe if u wanna talk privately im here cuz this just resonates so much with me💕
im nearly 17 too and well my dad walked out and left me with hella trauma (i still go therapy now) but i also had an abusive stepdad (until last week my mum booted him out) but yh its too much for me to write evrything hes done, but it hurts and i get it, and i try telling ppl but they just cant understand it like i told my friend today that my dad showed up last week to my house and she knows all the s*** he's put me thru, and she said to me oh is that a good thing he came or a bad thing cuz he's still your dad and i was so hurt cuz he nearly flippin killed me for crying out loud but yh if u wanna talk i'm here xx😘
just think ur gonna be 18 next year u can get out
if ur mum's the type u can talk to try and talk to her
take care of yourself babe🥰🥰🥰

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