How do I overcome regrets about my past?

OP

Original post by advent2

How have you missed the train? you can lose your virginity at any time you choose. Whose everyone else? you are making assumptions based on what you probably see in the movies or what you deem society accepts. Who are you trying to catch up to?

If you choose to accept that you are forever inferior, that's your choice. Remember, you always have a choice.

My peers have way more experience with me. I can't lose it "at any time I choose" because I'm not always surrounded with people I'm interested in. Extremely rarely, in fact. I live in the middle of nowhere and meeting ANYONE is tough, nevermind people I share interests and such with.

I go to uni in September which may help this, but again, I still feel behind. Yes it's societys fault and blah blah they should accept me. Well...yes. It SHOULD work like that. I SHOULDN'T be judged based on my past. But it doesn't really work like that. I will be judged regardless. The only way I can escape that is to fit those missed years into a shorter space of time in the future. Then I can be level with others.

But that in itself is an unattractive trait. Who wants to date someone who is in an experimental stage of their life and wants lots of new sexual experiences? Very few. Yes, I can choose to regain those years. But I have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to do that.

Like I said, I've ****ed my life up badly, and I can't see a good way out.

Reply 6

MattyKins

Look forward to what the future will bring. :smile:

Reply 7

advent2

8

Original post by OnceAgain

My peers have way more experience with me. I can't lose it "at any time I choose" because I'm not always surrounded with people I'm interested in. Extremely rarely, in fact. I live in the middle of nowhere and meeting ANYONE is tough, nevermind people I share interests and such with.

I go to uni in September which may help this, but again, I still feel behind. Yes it's societys fault and blah blah they should accept me. Well...yes. It SHOULD work like that. I SHOULDN'T be judged based on my past. But it doesn't really work like that. I will be judged regardless. The only way I can escape that is to fit those missed years into a shorter space of time in the future. Then I can be level with others.

But that in itself is an unattractive trait. Who wants to date someone who is in an experimental stage of their life and wants lots of new sexual experiences? Very few. Yes, I can choose to regain those years. But I have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to do that.

Like I said, I've ****ed my life up badly, and I can't see a good way out.

So what?

I attended a self-defence seminar recently. I was the only one there with no prior experience. Everyone else on the course were instructors in Karate, Boxing and god knows what else.

At the end of the first night, the instructor asked the class who had trained with me that day and when they put their hands up, he asked them did they know I had no prior training. Most of them didn't.

The experience is an issue for you, it probably won't be an issue for anyone else. They probably won't even know unless you tell them. And if you need experience, then go out and get it. It's as simple as that. You can either man up and try your best or get as much experience as possible. Moaning about it and making yourself feel bad isn't going to change anything.

Sir Issac Newton died a virgin, I wouldn't say he ***** up his life. You need to get a grip, having experience with women isn't the be all and end all in life. I'm sorry if I've insulted you but sometimes people need to be told straight. Like my 70+ year old grandmother used to say when I was being a pussy, 'be a man'. You're not going to attract any women whinging the way you are. They will probably see your virginity as a plus point because no other woman has had you and that will make them feel special.

Reply 8

OP

Original post by advent2

So what?

I attended a self-defence seminar recently. I was the only one there with no prior experience. Everyone else on the course were instructors in Karate, Boxing and god knows what else.

At the end of the first night, the instructor asked the class who had trained with me that day and when they put their hands up, he asked them did they know I had no prior training. Most of them didn't.

The experience is an issue for you, it probably won't be an issue for anyone else. They probably won't even know unless you tell them. And if you need experience, then go out and get it. It's as simple as that. You can either man up and try your best or get as much experience as possible. Moaning about it and making yourself feel bad isn't going to change anything.

Sir Issac Newton died a virgin, I wouldn't say he ***** up his life. You need to get a grip, having experience with women isn't the be all and end all in life. I'm sorry if I've insulted you but sometimes people need to be told straight. Like my 70+ year old grandmother used to say when I was being a pussy, 'be a man'. You're not going to attract any women whinging the way you are. They will probably see your virginity as a plus point because no other woman has had you and that will make them feel special.

Nah I appreciate that sentiment a lot. I don't get insulted easily.

I wouldn't have taken the measures I have otherwise. In fact the quitting smoking thing blew my mind. I just decided one morning to go cold turkey from 20 a day. And it stuck. I never knew I was capable of THAT kind of mental strength.

But the problem is it constantly feels like an uphill battle. Like a dog chasing those fake rabbits on a racetrack. Whenever you're an inch closer to your target, things speed up and you're back to square one. Frustrating as hell and I have so little guidance to go by. This is the first time I've moaned about this issue, so it's not indicative of my personality really.

Reply 9

advent2

8

Original post by OnceAgain

Nah I appreciate that sentiment a lot. I don't get insulted easily.

I wouldn't have taken the measures I have otherwise. In fact the quitting smoking thing blew my mind. I just decided one morning to go cold turkey from 20 a day. And it stuck. I never knew I was capable of THAT kind of mental strength.

But the problem is it constantly feels like an uphill battle. Like a dog chasing those fake rabbits on a racetrack. Whenever you're an inch closer to your target, things speed up and you're back to square one. Frustrating as hell and I have so little guidance to go by. This is the first time I've moaned about this issue, so it's not indicative of my personality really.

You can't change the past so it's pointless dwelling on it, the best you can hope to achieve is to learn from the mistakes of the past.

The only time we have available to achieve anything is in the present, the future doesn't exist yet.

What guidance are you looking for? What would turn the uphill battle in to a downhill one? What do you need to hit the target?

Reply 10

OP

Original post by advent2

You can't change the past so it's pointless dwelling on it, the best you can hope to achieve is to learn from the mistakes of the past.

The only time we have available to achieve anything is in the present, the future doesn't exist yet.

What guidance are you looking for? What would turn the uphill battle in to a downhill one? What do you need to hit the target?

What would turn it downhill?

Flawless self-confidence
The ability to meet new, attractive people regularly
Maintain an attractive appearance
Develop an outstanding sense of humour

If you can show me how to acquire these in a short amount of time I'd be insanely grateful.

Reply 11

Original post by OnceAgain

Backstory: I'm a 20 year old guy. Never kissed a girl. Virgin. etc. I didn't give a **** about my appearance during my teens. I didn't really care about women either. I just did whatever I enjoyed at the time and never really gave anything a second thought.

That's a good thing because it shows that you didn't need a relationship as a crux. I sometimes think it would have been easier for me as a teenager, if I wasn't so desperate for a relationship. But I lived and learned, like you have.

Original post by OnceAgain

I 'dated' one chick for a week or something at 15. Didn't really like her but felt obliged to ask her out since she was into me. Joke of a relationship.

We've all been there....peer pressure etc

Original post by OnceAgain

Fast forward 4 years and I start to realize what I've been missing out on. I fix up my appearance. This took A LOT of work. Quit smoking after 5 years of moderate use. Hardest **** I've done in my life. Packed on 20kg of muscle. Cleared most acne. Acquired dress sense. etc. All in the space of a year. I develop my personality as best as I possibly can in a ****ty situation. Without being arrogant I'm generally a pretty attractive person now.

That's great. You should be feeling confident after you've focussed so much attention on that. There's nothing wrong with making the best of yourself.

Original post by OnceAgain

But it's in vain in my view.

I don't think so. There's nothing wrong with feeling reasonably confident in your appearance. It's sexy. There's a difference between that and someone being really vain. When you're vain, your appearance becomes way more important than it should be. If you're not, then you feel good about yourself overall rather than specifically because of your appearance, even though that is a contributing factor.

Original post by OnceAgain

I can't help but feel how royally I've ****ed my life up already. I've missed the train on the virginity thing (still have v-card, but not for lack of opportunity recently).

Whoa, slow down. You're getting too worked up. It's not a catastrophe that you haven't lost your virginity yet. 20 isn't that old to be a virgin. Some will disagree with what I say next: there's nothing wrong with being picky but don't build it up to much. Your imagination won't match up with reality.

Original post by OnceAgain

I'm forever behind everyone else in experience.

But it's not that important. If you date someone with similar levels of experience to you, then you'll be evenly matched. Furthermore, experience IS important but even people with experience find relationships a challenge. There's no way you can know everything about this stuff. You take it as it comes.

As for sexual experience, it's really the same. Date someone with a similar amount of experience to you, and you'll be more evenly matched. You don't have to have slept with a gazillion women to be great in bed. At least from my experience, having had long term relationships is enough for a man to be skilled. They don't have to be a man-whore.

With that in mind, once you're in a relationship, take sex as it comes and always make an effort to do what gets your partner off. That's how any guy becomes good at sex. It's not about numbers. Don't worry about how much experience you're getting. Just enjoy yourself.

Original post by OnceAgain

I'm not as adept at relationships and dating as I should be.

Again, you're setting your benchmark against others. That's not a reliable indicator of how experienced you should be (which is the wrong word to use). When you're in a relationship, (and as I said dating the right match), your experience comes from getting to know that person and putting your heart into it. It's about your own experiences with individual women and not what other guys get up to. As I said before, having been in long-term romantic relationships, I can definitely say that there is no way in which you'd know everything there is to know, there's no way to perfect your skills completely. All relationships pose some challenges.

Original post by OnceAgain

I either have to go crazy and **** everything in sight to catch up (I'm still missing the relationship side then),

See above for my comments on the difference between actually being good in bed and ****ing lots of people ^^

Original post by OnceAgain

or I have to accept that I'm forever inferior.

You're not inferior. Try to come up with reasons why you are, and I don't think you'd be able to answer that case very well. :smile:

It is what it is. You don't have to do anything. You're not inferior because you have different life experiences than other people. If someone thinks that, then they're shallow and not worth knowing.

Reply 12

Original post by OnceAgain

My peers have way more experience with me. I can't lose it "at any time I choose" because I'm not always surrounded with people I'm interested in. Extremely rarely, in fact. I live in the middle of nowhere and meeting ANYONE is tough, nevermind people I share interests and such with.

Can't disagree with that. It's bloody hard to find someone who's really worth it.

Original post by OnceAgain

Yes it's societys fault and blah blah they should accept me. Well...yes. It SHOULD work like that. I SHOULDN'T be judged based on my past. But it doesn't really work like that. I will be judged regardless. The only way I can escape that is to fit those missed years into a shorter space of time in the future. Then I can be level with others.

It's not about being "level with others". Seriously, you need to get that thought out of your head. That's quite an immature way to approach stuff. Do sex and dating because you like it or it adds something to your life; not because it'll look good in front of other people. **** what other people think.

Original post by OnceAgain

Who wants to date someone who is in an experimental stage of their life and wants lots of new sexual experiences?

Well, just be up front about what you want with a woman. Make it clear where you want it to go. Furthermore, it's really important that you let anything develop naturally. Then you know it's good. And like I said in my other response, date people with a similar level of life experience so that you're at a similar stage of life. (that point is really important)

Original post by OnceAgain

But I have to sacrifice a hell of a lot to do that.

Sacrifice what exactly?

Honestly, you're thinking about this the wrong way. You're thinking - "I'll make myself into the perfect man and then women will want me". Firstly, there's no such thing as a perfect man. Secondly, no one wants to date a perfect person anyway. Thirdly, people don't look at a long list of attributes when they decide to date someone. That stuff helps no doubt but it's not a shopping list. Stuff like the chemistry you have together is really important to falling in love.

Example: Someone could be perfect on paper but you don't fancy them enough to date them (I can think of plenty of guys I know which fit into that category for me). Also, sometimes someone looks not so good on paper (doesn't tick every box) but just has something that really grabs you. People you date are more likely to be the latter. You fall short when you look for perfect.

Love is only a feeling, anyway.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 13

OP

Original post by Lucia.

x

Let's put it this way; there's an 'average' amount of experience people have. Virginity gone at 16. Maybe a 1 year relationship or something. You also mentioned that people should date others with similar experience.

Now, I'm way down the scale on the first front. There's very few people with my level of experience, and therefore very few people eligible for me to date. When you combine those two problems, I'm set to be ****ed over for the rest of my life. It's going to be a hell of a lot harder for me down the line, simply because I made this mistake in my teens.

Which is why I want to catch up. I don't give a **** what others think either, really. It's just the fact that is a hinderance for me (as well as a sad regret that I missed fun times) that I hate. I'm a man for ****s sake. I want to be at the top of my game, in the prime of my life. And if only by my own standards, I'm failing that.

Reply 14

Original post by OnceAgain

Let's put it this way; there's an 'average' amount of experience people have. Virginity gone at 16. Maybe a 1 year relationship or something. You also mentioned that people should date others with similar experience.

Now, I'm way down the scale on the first front. There's very few people with my level of experience, and therefore very few people eligible for me to date. When you combine those two problems, I'm set to be ****ed over for the rest of my life. It's going to be a hell of a lot harder for me down the line, simply because I made this mistake in my teens.

Which is why I want to catch up. I don't give a **** what others think either, really. It's just the fact that is a hinderance for me (as well as a sad regret that I missed fun times) that I hate. I'm a man for ****s sake. I want to be at the top of my game, in the prime of my life. And if only by my own standards, I'm failing that.

Hm you might have to decide how important your virginity it is. Some people save it up a lot. I don't think there's anything wrong with that so don't get me wrong. However, it is an experience which can be had in more than one way.

I'd say that you should be prepared to take risks because you never know with relationships and dating in general. There's always risk involved and you have to build up your character to deal with it. That'll put you in a position where you know yourself better.

Don't think about the past too much. Really, don't. Think to the future. It's uncertain now which means you have more opportunities to shape it than you do the past anyway (which you can't change at all). Cut yourself a bit of slack.

What's happened before has no direct bearing on the rest of your life. You can pick up your game; only takes time.

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

Don't regret it ... first, girls will respect you more than guys who just sleep around or who has slept with quite a few girls. Second, you should start being in relationships when you're ready - not for the sake of being in a relationship. I don't think it's anything to regret - you're young and you've lived your life for you. There are quite a few girls and guys who haven't had relationships or lost their virginity by 20. Just don't compare yourself to others, you'll be fine, what happens happens :smile:

Reply 16

Spoiltteenbrat

Original post by Lucia.

Hm you might have to decide how important your virginity it is. Some people save it up a lot. I don't think there's anything wrong with that so don't get me wrong. However, it is an experience which can be had in more than one way.

I'd say that you should be prepared to take risks because you never know with relationships and dating in general. There's always risk involved and you have to build up your character to deal with it. That'll put you in a position where you know yourself better.

Don't think about the past too much. Really, don't. Think to the future. It's uncertain now which means you have more opportunities to shape it than you do the past anyway (which you can't change at all). Cut yourself a bit of slack.

What's happened before has no direct bearing on the rest of your life. You can pick up your game; only takes time.

You deserve to be repped for taking the time out and explaining everything in detail.
Bless you :smile:

Reply 17

OP

Original post by Lucia.

Hm you might have to decide how important your virginity it is. Some people save it up a lot. I don't think there's anything wrong with that so don't get me wrong. However, it is an experience which can be had in more than one way.

I'd say that you should be prepared to take risks because you never know with relationships and dating in general. There's always risk involved and you have to build up your character to deal with it. That'll put you in a position where you know yourself better.

Don't think about the past too much. Really, don't. Think to the future. It's uncertain now which means you have more opportunities to shape it than you do the past anyway (which you can't change at all). Cut yourself a bit of slack.

What's happened before has no direct bearing on the rest of your life. You can pick up your game; only takes time.

I don't really care about it, but I at least want to lose it to someone I'm attracted to for more than appearances. I've had a handful of opportunities I could have followed up, but I was never interested in them beyond their appearance. One was hot, but made me cringe with her airheadedness. Another would barely let me get a word in edgeways with her ranting. etc etc.

I guess asking to meet lots of people with both personality and appearances is asking too much of this world, lol. **** it.

Reply 18

Original post by OnceAgain

I don't really care about it, but I at least want to lose it to someone I'm attracted to for more than appearances. I've had a handful of opportunities I could have followed up, but I was never interested in them beyond their appearance. One was hot, but made me cringe with her airheadedness. Another would barely let me get a word in edgeways with her ranting. etc etc.

I guess asking to meet lots of people with both personality and appearances is asking too much of this world, lol. **** it.

No it just takes time. Nothing wrong with how you you're approaching this. People treat this stuff differently so it's about what you're comfortable with.

It'll take you time though so you have to be patient. And you have to be able to approach women. The women I imagine would be ideal and less airhead-y are probably the ones who somewhat sink into the shadows because those other women are so obvious to you. It won't be easy but please don't give up. Your life isn't over, trust me.

I only made that point because you are talking how important experience is for you. I'm only saying that you have to accept what works with your approach. So of course, it'll be harder than if you were looking for something short-term. It's the same for everyone. There just weren't people around that you liked at the time so there is nothing wrong with you at all. There is nothing wrong with setting standards for the people you want to date or otherwise.

If you get to know someone as a friend (but not a close friend), then you've got a good basis for something happening. Go in with that in mind and rev it up at an appropriate point.

Alternatively, think about who your type of woman is. Find places where she'd hang out.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 19