Heartbreak has turned me into a slut

I broke up with my boyfriend 2 years ago. I was 21 at the time and he wasn't my first boyfriend but he was the love of my life.

Ever since then I've felt empty, like this ball of happiness I was carrying around when I was with him has been taken away. I've read in so many 'break up guides' that you should fill your time with other things and learn to be happy single; I have done this - I have a great life, a good set of friends and good health. but whatever I do, however happy I feel, it is always capped by this feeling of emptiness.

The only thing which helps is getting with men. It makes me forget the emptiness because for a few moments I can kid myself that I'm actually wanted by someone. But it's like a slippery slope - the more men I sleep with, the lonlier I feel and the more I need to sleep with. I know that becomming this person isn't going to get me anywhere in the long run but I'd rather have 2 hours of happiness and then regret than continual emptiness.

I don't know what to do..

Reply 1

abc101

17

Have you thought about counselling? I can see where you're coming from and really delving into how you feel about your ex and the pain you're going through is the first step to starting on the path to making yourself happier.

Reply 2

fl4mers

6

I can relate to this on a very personal level. I sort of went through a similar thing myself, but the most important thing is to build up your self esteem again. Every time you sleep with a new guy for the sake of those 2 hours of happiness, you're actually chipping away at your self worth and esteem. At the end of the day, you know that those guys don't care about you and are just in it for the sex and the more you do it, the more you'll start to believe that you're not worth loving. Believe me when I say that you are though. You are worth loving just as much as anybody else, but unless you believe that and start reducing the number of casual encounters you have and more actively concentrate on focusing on guys you could actually potentially have a long term future with, you're only destroying yourself bit by bit.

For me it took a guy waiting 6 weeks for me to have sex with him to make me realise that I was still worth caring for, for you maybe a different experience will open your way into a new mindset. It is your mindset though that you need to work on. You need to re-channel yourself into a state where you believe that a relationship is what you deserve and that any less isn't worth it in the long run. It's not easy, you'll probably fall back from time to time and have doubts, but in the end once you dig yourself out of this detrimental cycle you'll be a lot better off. Take this from someone who knows... and is battling that fight day by day.

Also, I very much recommend the following books if you're into reading at all. I found they helped me get a better idea of what I am actually looking for in a potential relationship, and also look out for those guys providing all that I don't need in a relationship too. They may not hold the answer for you, but then again they might.

Greg Behrendt - He's Just Not That Into You + It's Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life
Steve Harvey - Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
Meg Jay - The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How To Make the Most of them Now

I just hope that you can break the cycle and work things out, because I know that lost and lonely feeling and I don't wish it on anybody. I believe it's true that you need to believe in yourself and your own happiness before you can make someone else truly happy, so I think you will need to start finding ways of making yourself happy without the help of meaningless sex before you will be able to find something more lasting and concrete. Good luck with everything and feel free to PM if you feel the need.

Reply 3

Chumbaniya

17

It sounds like counselling would be a good idea - the fact that having sex leaves you feeling more lonely than you were and therefore craving more sex seems like a pretty clear addictive behaviour, and it sounds like you're using physical closeness to men as an unsatisfying substitute for the emotional closeness you feel you've lost. It's understandable and often healthy for people to have more casual sexual relationships after a significant break-up, but in your case it's obviously gone too far as it is upsetting you.

2 years is an extraordinarily long time for you to not be over a previous partner, so obviously there's something significant there that you haven't tackled and avoiding the issue by having sex with a lot of men that doesn't make you happy isn't going to make things better - talk to someone you can trust (or a counsellor) about it.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Foo.mp3

• Can't you focus on friends, family, personal pursuits, pets etc?

• Can't you perhaps date some guys instead of just rag them, in the hope of building something more meaningful that'll make you feel less cheap/empty?

• Can't you find happiness/self worth from within?

Sorry about all the questions but I have literally no sense of what it is to be in your position, I can't get my head around how you fall foul of each of the above

As I said in my post, I have focused on other aspects of my life: I am at university and have a very busy social life with a good circle of friends - I take part in societies and basically like to try and fill my time. However much I do I always feel as if I'm only doing it to escape the gnawing empty feeling that won't go away.

I do date guys, I have gone through stages of 'seeing' various guys - however it's incredibly difficult to get 'dates' with guys (especially at uni) - they mostly just want to "rag" as you put it. Besides, I found that dating was more soul destroying than sex because if someone gets to know me and they still reject me it's a reflection on my character, whereas with ONS it's just expected. I also have found that my heart is never really in it anyway and I just find myself comparing these guys to my ex - which again puts him in the forefront of my mind.

Your last point isn't really something I can answer. All I know is I don't particularly want my ex back, the feeling has turned into some sort of abstract need that I can't quite put my finger on. I am scared to death that I'm never going to find whatever it is.

Guess that makes me a pretty pathetic individual but it's not something I have much control over.

Reply 5

blondyx

17

Hm it is weird that you don't want him back. But like they say 'you never forget your first love'. Maybe try counselling like the others suggested to work out what it is about him that has you hooked still.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Thanks for the advice, I guess this is going to be something that will take a while to overcome. I think the main reason this has been going on for so long is because I never got 'closure' (I hate that word!) from the relationship; he broke up with me over the phone out of the blue and I never saw him again. There have been times when we've almost met up but I think now it would just be too much; I've blown this whole thing up in my head so if I saw him in real life I'd probably start crying or something embarrassing. I have essentially cut him out, blocked on facebook, don't have his number, if anyone starts talking about him I try not to listen/change the subject - I'm not sure if this is the healthiest method but I find avoidance is the better option at times. It is true that I don't really want him anymore but more what he represented, however I don't want to acknowledge the fact that he's out there somewhere living his life, with someone else most probably.

I hope that if/when I do meet someone I will be able to draw a line under this whole malarky, as I don't think I'm ever going to be truly over him until I have fallen in love with someone else.

Reply 7

pinkangelgirl

15

Hey, Op

I kinda understand what you mean. When my ex broke up with me I was so depressed etc i just wanted to fill this emptiness. (under no circumstance do i want him back, which is why it confused me??).

I have got with more guys in the past few months than in my entire life lol

Reply 8

blondyx

17

Original post by pinkangelgirl

Hey, Op

I kinda understand what you mean. When my ex broke up with me I was so depressed etc i just wanted to fill this emptiness. (under no circumstance do i want him back, which is why it confused me??).

I have got with more guys in the past few months than in my entire life lol

Has it helped?

Reply 9

Classical Liberal

19

Original post by Anonymous

As I said in my post, I have focused on other aspects of my life: I am at university and have a very busy social life with a good circle of friends - I take part in societies and basically like to try and fill my time. However much I do I always feel as if I'm only doing it to escape the gnawing empty feeling that won't go away.

I do date guys, I have gone through stages of 'seeing' various guys - however it's incredibly difficult to get 'dates' with guys (especially at uni) - they mostly just want to "rag" as you put it. Besides, I found that dating was more soul destroying than sex because if someone gets to know me and they still reject me it's a reflection on my character, whereas with ONS it's just expected. I also have found that my heart is never really in it anyway and I just find myself comparing these guys to my ex - which again puts him in the forefront of my mind.

Your last point isn't really something I can answer. All I know is I don't particularly want my ex back, the feeling has turned into some sort of abstract need that I can't quite put my finger on. I am scared to death that I'm never going to find whatever it is.

Guess that makes me a pretty pathetic individual but it's not something I have much control over.

It sounds like you are using casual sex as a self defence mechanism. You are terrified of being ultimately rejected in a relationship when you love them, thus you keep yourself away from a such an outcome by just having casual sex and not actually having/looking a proper relationship (and then you use copouts like "guys just want sex" as a rationalisation for your behaviour)

It is a very understandable fear. Loving somebody and then them leaving you is about one of the most brutal things a human being can go through.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 10

pinkangelgirl

15

Original post by blondyx

Has it helped?

it does and it doesnt. it makes me feel better, but then worse later on if that makes sense.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Classical Liberal

It sounds like you are using casual sex as a self defence mechanism. You are terrified of being ultimately rejected in a relationship when you love them, thus you keep yourself away from a such an outcome by just having casual sex and not actually having/looking a proper relationship (and then you use copouts like "guys just want sex" as a rationalisation for your behaviour)

It is a very understandable fear. Loving somebody and then them leaving you is about one of the most brutal things a human being can go through.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have another relationship - but i'm not making excuses when I say it's very difficult to find men who do. What 23/24 year old guy wants a relationship? especially one who is at university (as I am). It's impossible to actively look for a relationship, but it is possible to actively look for casual sex - therefore I suppose I encounter a lot more of the latter. I don't particularly enjoy acting in this way but if it's a question of being lonely and celibate or a slut - then I guess I'll have to stick with being a slut for now.

Reply 12

Rockabillyred666

Original post by fl4mers

I can relate to this on a very personal level. I sort of went through a similar thing myself, but the most important thing is to build up your self esteem again. Every time you sleep with a new guy for the sake of those 2 hours of happiness, you're actually chipping away at your self worth and esteem. At the end of the day, you know that those guys don't care about you and are just in it for the sex and the more you do it, the more you'll start to believe that you're not worth loving. Believe me when I say that you are though. You are worth loving just as much as anybody else, but unless you believe that and start reducing the number of casual encounters you have and more actively concentrate on focusing on guys you could actually potentially have a long term future with, you're only destroying yourself bit by bit.

For me it took a guy waiting 6 weeks for me to have sex with him to make me realise that I was still worth caring for, for you maybe a different experience will open your way into a new mindset. It is your mindset though that you need to work on. You need to re-channel yourself into a state where you believe that a relationship is what you deserve and that any less isn't worth it in the long run. It's not easy, you'll probably fall back from time to time and have doubts, but in the end once you dig yourself out of this detrimental cycle you'll be a lot better off. Take this from someone who knows... and is battling that fight day by day.

Also, I very much recommend the following books if you're into reading at all. I found they helped me get a better idea of what I am actually looking for in a potential relationship, and also look out for those guys providing all that I don't need in a relationship too. They may not hold the answer for you, but then again they might.

Greg Behrendt - He's Just Not That Into You + It's Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life
Steve Harvey - Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
Meg Jay - The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How To Make the Most of them Now

I just hope that you can break the cycle and work things out, because I know that lost and lonely feeling and I don't wish it on anybody. I believe it's true that you need to believe in yourself and your own happiness before you can make someone else truly happy, so I think you will need to start finding ways of making yourself happy without the help of meaningless sex before you will be able to find something more lasting and concrete. Good luck with everything and feel free to PM if you feel the need.

Amazing advice. I went through a similar thing a long time ago. You'll get there. :smile:

<3

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Reply 13

Lucia.

16

It sounds you're delaying facing up to how you feel. How long can you put on that front? Sit down and allow yourself to go over it in your mind. Cry or whatever - just let it all out. Knowing that there's going to be pain or hardship and going through it anyway, is where your courage comes from. It'll allow you to be a stronger person and you will feel better. Remember that life goes in cycles of good and bad. You experience something bad but there'll be something better around the corner.

Reply 14

Jason2

No-one will respect you until you show respect for yourself.

Reply 15

Stevo112

17

Original post by Anonymous

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have another relationship - but i'm not making excuses when I say it's very difficult to find men who do. What 23/24 year old guy wants a relationship? especially one who is at university (as I am). It's impossible to actively look for a relationship, but it is possible to actively look for casual sex - therefore I suppose I encounter a lot more of the latter. I don't particularly enjoy acting in this way but if it's a question of being lonely and celibate or a slut - then I guess I'll have to stick with being a slut for now.

I wouldn't mind a relationship with a girl I respect :rolleyes:

My first serious relationship lasted for 3 years (17-20) and she still has a special place in my heart 4 years down the line BUT I'm OVER HER!!!

At the moment it seems that most of the girls my age are either happily with long term boyfriends and talking marriage or slutting around. Not many girls are single and girlfriend material :frown:

I'm not into the whole "go out clubbing and score some drunk girl" mentality many guys have.

Reply 16

2ndClass

3

ewww imagine what your vag must look like :puke:

pump your breaks otherwise you'll put off any man that wants a relationship, no one wants a former slut for a girlfriend/wife

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by 2ndClass

ewww imagine what your vag must look like :puke:

pump your breaks otherwise you'll put off any man that wants a relationship, no one wants a former slut for a girlfriend/wife

Haha- surely my 'vag' is going to look no different whather I have sex with one person many times or sex with many people! Ignorant misogynist...

Also, I'm not widely known as a slut- I don't shout it from the rooftops. There's no reason anyone I want to start a relationahip with will know.

Thanks for your pointless advice.

Reply 18

2ndClass

3

Original post by Anonymous

Haha- surely my 'vag' is going to look no different whather I have sex with one person many times or sex with many people! Ignorant misogynist...

Also, I'm not widely known as a slut- I don't shout it from the rooftops. There's no reason anyone I want to start a relationahip with will know.

Thanks for your pointless advice.

No your vag will probably look all worn out and sloppy. Guys are visual creatures anony, it's just the way we see things. And ofcourse they'll want to know, most guys wants to know how many men their girlfriend has slept with so as to determine whether she's wifey material or a pump&dump which you appear to be. I'm not trying to be harsh but seriously....have some more self worth.....don't you want to be a prize

I suggest reading this
http://uk.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/42_dating_advice.html

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 19

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by 2ndClass

No your vag will probably look all worn out and sloppy. Guys are visual creatures anony, it's just the way we see things. And ofcourse they'll want to know, most guys wants to know how many men their girlfriend has slept with so as to determine whether she's wifey material or a pump&dump which you appear to be. I'm not trying to be harsh but seriously....have some more self worth.....don't you want to be a prize

I suggest reading this
http://uk.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/42_dating_advice.html

Ever heard of the phrase 'white lie' I'm sure if the situation arose I could round the number down. To be honest it hasn't even hit the 20 mark yet so by most people's standards I'm not really in proper slut territory yet anyway (for my age).

Please explain how having sex with one man 20 times would be any different to sleeping with 20 men once in terms of altering the appearance of my vagina?! Anyway, just for the record, mine is very tight - sometimes too tight which is actually a problem, so no fear of being 'sloppy' :smile:

Heartbreak has turned me into a slut

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