Giving up on friend who is on antidepressants
Hi, I don't really know where to put this and appreciate to keep this post anonymous please.
This sounds very harsh of me, but I am really giving up on a 'friend' of mine. She told me last June that she had started a course of antidepressants (I don't think particularly strong ones) and they were not for depression per se but to help with the side effects of a fever she had.
I strongly suspect she is still on them. Go back in time 1.5 years and she was so vibrant, hilarious, fun to be around, engaged and interested.
Over the last six months, I've seen my 'friend' descend into almost a state of being a zombie. I mean, she is still functioning and everything but it's like she is not quite there.
Here is what I have noticed and what concerns/frustrates me:
- Extremely apathetic - literally won't bother to text, call, facebook at all until I have to make the effort. This has been going on a while and has upset me the most. We used to be much closer. When I have raised it, it's like it is ME that is overreacting and nothing is wrong. But the reality is it's like she can't be bothered anymore.
- There is a rather worrying vacant look she has in her eyes, like she is dead behind the eyes.
- She is very subdued and just doesn't engage much.
- Everything is 'cool' or ''I'm good thanks'' in this faint, apathetic, bored sort of voice. Even if I ask whether that is really the case, it's "yehh"
- Makes no effort to socialise unless we really force her to. Like, even if we've arranged something, she'll get bored after an hour and go home with a headache, or will just come for a bit. Didn't even make an effort to come out on my birthday which really upset me but I didn't tell her that because I didn't want to spoil my day.
- Doesn't seem to enjoy things as much as other people. There was this HUGE social event recently which everybody in our friendship group was thrilled about. She just didn't seem excited/engaged at all. It was like it was just any other day of the week and that really dampened the mood - like I was SO SO excited about it and thrilled to be there, and she was like a zombie, I felt as though I was being over the top or something or like I don't get out much.
Does it sound like she is still taking medication? Because I honestly I don't think I've given anyone else as many chances as I have given her but it's like I don't exist. I genuinely can't be bothered to make an effort with her anymore. I'm moving to a new town after graduation anyway to start work, but that's what upsets me the most - she just is so apathetic about everything and knows that I'm moving away very soon.
This sounds very harsh of me, but I am really giving up on a 'friend' of mine. She told me last June that she had started a course of antidepressants (I don't think particularly strong ones) and they were not for depression per se but to help with the side effects of a fever she had.
I strongly suspect she is still on them. Go back in time 1.5 years and she was so vibrant, hilarious, fun to be around, engaged and interested.
Over the last six months, I've seen my 'friend' descend into almost a state of being a zombie. I mean, she is still functioning and everything but it's like she is not quite there.
Here is what I have noticed and what concerns/frustrates me:
- Extremely apathetic - literally won't bother to text, call, facebook at all until I have to make the effort. This has been going on a while and has upset me the most. We used to be much closer. When I have raised it, it's like it is ME that is overreacting and nothing is wrong. But the reality is it's like she can't be bothered anymore.
- There is a rather worrying vacant look she has in her eyes, like she is dead behind the eyes.
- She is very subdued and just doesn't engage much.
- Everything is 'cool' or ''I'm good thanks'' in this faint, apathetic, bored sort of voice. Even if I ask whether that is really the case, it's "yehh"
- Makes no effort to socialise unless we really force her to. Like, even if we've arranged something, she'll get bored after an hour and go home with a headache, or will just come for a bit. Didn't even make an effort to come out on my birthday which really upset me but I didn't tell her that because I didn't want to spoil my day.
- Doesn't seem to enjoy things as much as other people. There was this HUGE social event recently which everybody in our friendship group was thrilled about. She just didn't seem excited/engaged at all. It was like it was just any other day of the week and that really dampened the mood - like I was SO SO excited about it and thrilled to be there, and she was like a zombie, I felt as though I was being over the top or something or like I don't get out much.
Does it sound like she is still taking medication? Because I honestly I don't think I've given anyone else as many chances as I have given her but it's like I don't exist. I genuinely can't be bothered to make an effort with her anymore. I'm moving to a new town after graduation anyway to start work, but that's what upsets me the most - she just is so apathetic about everything and knows that I'm moving away very soon.
Look, if she's really suffering from depression, she needs support. You might not be able to give that to her, especially if she doesn't want to admit that she has a problem, but without help, she isn't likely to get better.
You could try letting her know that if she really is suffering from depression, you're there for her. Unless, of course, you're not. Because if you really can't be bothered to help her anymore, step away now.
You could try letting her know that if she really is suffering from depression, you're there for her. Unless, of course, you're not. Because if you really can't be bothered to help her anymore, step away now.
you sound selfish.
Original post by ChocoCoatedLemons
Look, if she's really suffering from depression, she needs support. You might not be able to give that to her, especially if she doesn't want to admit that she has a problem, but without help, she isn't likely to get better.
You could try letting her know that if she really is suffering from depression, you're there for her. Unless, of course, you're not. Because if you really can't be bothered to help her anymore, step away now.
You could try letting her know that if she really is suffering from depression, you're there for her. Unless, of course, you're not. Because if you really can't be bothered to help her anymore, step away now.
Did you not read my original post? I said that she wasn't taking them for depression, but to relieve side effects of another condition that causes low-energy.
I think it actually sounds more as if she's not taking them anymore. It sounds as though she has got to a depressed state and this could be due to her not taking them anymore (almost a withdrawal from them). I suggest you talk to her about it, maybe try and see if there is someone she can talk to about it who is able to help her. She probably needs you now more than ever and she is still there, she's just buried under everything. Try and just be there for her if she needs it, although I know that will be tough. Best of luck to you both.
Original post by Anonymous
Did you not read my original post? I said that she wasn't taking them for depression, but to relieve side effects of another condition that causes low-energy.
I did read it. But behaving that way sounds a Hell of a lot like she is actually depressed. It's only her word that she's taking them for something else, afterall.
I have a friend like the person you have described. I have stuck by her because she is a wonderful person, and when she needs me I am there. I always thought that was the purpose of a friend, as well as having somebody to have fun with.
It sounds like you have made your mind up about how you feel about the situation. Might be best to ease contact if you 'cant be bothered'.
It sounds like you have made your mind up about how you feel about the situation. Might be best to ease contact if you 'cant be bothered'.
She's on antidepressants for depression. Duh
Original post by Anonymous
Hi, I don't really know where to put this and appreciate to keep this post anonymous please.
This sounds very harsh of me, but I am really giving up on a 'friend' of mine. She told me last June that she had started a course of antidepressants (I don't think particularly strong ones) and they were not for depression per se but to help with the side effects of a fever she had.
I strongly suspect she is still on them. Go back in time 1.5 years and she was so vibrant, hilarious, fun to be around, engaged and interested.
Over the last six months, I've seen my 'friend' descend into almost a state of being a zombie. I mean, she is still functioning and everything but it's like she is not quite there.
Here is what I have noticed and what concerns/frustrates me:
- Extremely apathetic - literally won't bother to text, call, facebook at all until I have to make the effort. This has been going on a while and has upset me the most. We used to be much closer. When I have raised it, it's like it is ME that is overreacting and nothing is wrong. But the reality is it's like she can't be bothered anymore.
- There is a rather worrying vacant look she has in her eyes, like she is dead behind the eyes.
- She is very subdued and just doesn't engage much.
- Everything is 'cool' or ''I'm good thanks'' in this faint, apathetic, bored sort of voice. Even if I ask whether that is really the case, it's "yehh"
- Makes no effort to socialise unless we really force her to. Like, even if we've arranged something, she'll get bored after an hour and go home with a headache, or will just come for a bit. Didn't even make an effort to come out on my birthday which really upset me but I didn't tell her that because I didn't want to spoil my day.
- Doesn't seem to enjoy things as much as other people. There was this HUGE social event recently which everybody in our friendship group was thrilled about. She just didn't seem excited/engaged at all. It was like it was just any other day of the week and that really dampened the mood - like I was SO SO excited about it and thrilled to be there, and she was like a zombie, I felt as though I was being over the top or something or like I don't get out much.
Does it sound like she is still taking medication? Because I honestly I don't think I've given anyone else as many chances as I have given her but it's like I don't exist. I genuinely can't be bothered to make an effort with her anymore. I'm moving to a new town after graduation anyway to start work, but that's what upsets me the most - she just is so apathetic about everything and knows that I'm moving away very soon.
This sounds very harsh of me, but I am really giving up on a 'friend' of mine. She told me last June that she had started a course of antidepressants (I don't think particularly strong ones) and they were not for depression per se but to help with the side effects of a fever she had.
I strongly suspect she is still on them. Go back in time 1.5 years and she was so vibrant, hilarious, fun to be around, engaged and interested.
Over the last six months, I've seen my 'friend' descend into almost a state of being a zombie. I mean, she is still functioning and everything but it's like she is not quite there.
Here is what I have noticed and what concerns/frustrates me:
- Extremely apathetic - literally won't bother to text, call, facebook at all until I have to make the effort. This has been going on a while and has upset me the most. We used to be much closer. When I have raised it, it's like it is ME that is overreacting and nothing is wrong. But the reality is it's like she can't be bothered anymore.
- There is a rather worrying vacant look she has in her eyes, like she is dead behind the eyes.
- She is very subdued and just doesn't engage much.
- Everything is 'cool' or ''I'm good thanks'' in this faint, apathetic, bored sort of voice. Even if I ask whether that is really the case, it's "yehh"
- Makes no effort to socialise unless we really force her to. Like, even if we've arranged something, she'll get bored after an hour and go home with a headache, or will just come for a bit. Didn't even make an effort to come out on my birthday which really upset me but I didn't tell her that because I didn't want to spoil my day.
- Doesn't seem to enjoy things as much as other people. There was this HUGE social event recently which everybody in our friendship group was thrilled about. She just didn't seem excited/engaged at all. It was like it was just any other day of the week and that really dampened the mood - like I was SO SO excited about it and thrilled to be there, and she was like a zombie, I felt as though I was being over the top or something or like I don't get out much.
Does it sound like she is still taking medication? Because I honestly I don't think I've given anyone else as many chances as I have given her but it's like I don't exist. I genuinely can't be bothered to make an effort with her anymore. I'm moving to a new town after graduation anyway to start work, but that's what upsets me the most - she just is so apathetic about everything and knows that I'm moving away very soon.
something's obviously not right with her, whether it's medication or not. you can't hold it against her, she's not doing it on purpose.
Original post by bananaterracottapie
you sound selfish.
Afraid I have to agree to be honest, I feel sorry for the girl, there has to be something quite seriously wrong to get into that state considering what she was like before. I know OP you said you raised it with her but it does sound to me like you're perhaps not making enough effort to see it from her point of view, I doubt she's being like this deliberately to piss you off.
As someone who has gone through depression, I would urge you to be there for her. From everything you describe, it sounds incredibly similar to depression. Apathy and feeling listless and unengaged are one of the core symptoms. You also know she was taking antidepressants, which in itself strongly suggests she had depressive symptoms. I have never heard of antidepressants being prescribed for the 'side effects of a fever' and it seems most likely to me that they were in fact for depression, but that she didn't want to tell you, perhaps because she feared you not being terribly understanding - you don't really sound it from the tone of your message. Antidepressants usually make these symptoms better, not worse, and I seriously doubt that the drugs (if she is still taking them) would make her listless etc. It just sounds like she has depression, and it can take a LONG time to get better.
In the meantime, a person with depression really, really needs your unconditional friendship. Depression is hard enough to deal with without your friends abandoning you because you 'aren't as much fun as you used to be'. Trust me, nobody wants to become less fun and to stop enjoying things - I am betting this is all a million times worse for her than it is for you.
But depression DOES make it really hard to always treat your friends like you normally would. I remember it was very hard to properly engage and enjoy things, and I really had to force myself to initiate contact ever. Thankfully I had some of the loveliest friends in the world who knew things were wrong without being told and who were subtly there for me when I needed them. They didn't judge when I withdrew or was tired, but realised I was ill (and depression is an illness) and didn't push the matter. Now I am much better and I am so grateful to them. I know I will be there for them if they ever go through something like this, or any other difficult life situation.
Real friendship takes the rough with the smooth, and doesn't count the 'chances' it's given people, or measures how much fun it is to be with people, it just cares. It really sounds like your friend is going through a really, really rough time at the moment, rather than that she is somehow doing this to spite you or anything, and I think it would be really nice if you would just accept that it's nothing personal and that she needs you to stick by her.
It might be a bit more effort for you - calling her, texting her, arranging to meet up - but you can also make it work. If she doesn't have much energy (which most people with depression find), then maybe go round and watch a DVD with her? Or just drop round for a cup of tea and a chat every now and then, or have an afternoon baking. Anything, really, just let her know you haven't forgotten her.
In the meantime, a person with depression really, really needs your unconditional friendship. Depression is hard enough to deal with without your friends abandoning you because you 'aren't as much fun as you used to be'. Trust me, nobody wants to become less fun and to stop enjoying things - I am betting this is all a million times worse for her than it is for you.
But depression DOES make it really hard to always treat your friends like you normally would. I remember it was very hard to properly engage and enjoy things, and I really had to force myself to initiate contact ever. Thankfully I had some of the loveliest friends in the world who knew things were wrong without being told and who were subtly there for me when I needed them. They didn't judge when I withdrew or was tired, but realised I was ill (and depression is an illness) and didn't push the matter. Now I am much better and I am so grateful to them. I know I will be there for them if they ever go through something like this, or any other difficult life situation.
Real friendship takes the rough with the smooth, and doesn't count the 'chances' it's given people, or measures how much fun it is to be with people, it just cares. It really sounds like your friend is going through a really, really rough time at the moment, rather than that she is somehow doing this to spite you or anything, and I think it would be really nice if you would just accept that it's nothing personal and that she needs you to stick by her.
It might be a bit more effort for you - calling her, texting her, arranging to meet up - but you can also make it work. If she doesn't have much energy (which most people with depression find), then maybe go round and watch a DVD with her? Or just drop round for a cup of tea and a chat every now and then, or have an afternoon baking. Anything, really, just let her know you haven't forgotten her.
I suffered with depression for a good 5 years of my life and was on strong antidepressants. But it wasn't the tablets that helped me recover it was my friends who stuck by me throughout the times that I went into a shell and didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. they would leave me nice messages on facebook to cheer me up when I looked at them and knowing I had that support was an amazing feeling for me.
I still suffer with bouts of depression now as you never really "recover" from it..But I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world and the most amazing group of friends and whenever I feel myself spiraling back into this black hole they are always there to catch me..don't give up on your friend because could you really sleep at night knowing you once called yourself someones friend and when they needed you the most you couldn't cope??? I know I couldn't!
I still suffer with bouts of depression now as you never really "recover" from it..But I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world and the most amazing group of friends and whenever I feel myself spiraling back into this black hole they are always there to catch me..don't give up on your friend because could you really sleep at night knowing you once called yourself someones friend and when they needed you the most you couldn't cope??? I know I couldn't!
Friendship isn't about 'giving people chances' its about support and understanding and I'm not sure if you do that for your 'friend'. I don't pretend to be easy, but sometimes you just have to hold on to hope for that person and remind them that you still care, because you obviously do.
However I'm not sure what you're asking in your post. This person obviously means a lot to you and if you asking for permission to cut this person out of your life, that is ok- I agree with most other people's post because it goes against alot of my personal values but maybe you don't have the maturity to deal with something this stressful and thats ok too. I've suffered with depression for years and this video was something that I wished i had found to help explain it to people. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc
Hope this was useful, all the best
However I'm not sure what you're asking in your post. This person obviously means a lot to you and if you asking for permission to cut this person out of your life, that is ok- I agree with most other people's post because it goes against alot of my personal values but maybe you don't have the maturity to deal with something this stressful and thats ok too. I've suffered with depression for years and this video was something that I wished i had found to help explain it to people. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc
Hope this was useful, all the best
do you really want her death on your hands? thats all i'm sayin..............
Honestly, depression kills. Severe depression can kill a person inside, the medication is of course supposed to help but it needs to be alongside other help and support which your friend is in obvious need of.
Honestly people like this, trust me they need a lot of work to get back to normal. The lack of effort is through well these people have just given up I suppose, they say yes, I'm fine ect and brush off the questions about if something is wrong in order to hide the fact something is wrong with them. Sometimes they've very much come to terms with whats wrong with them but they've hit such a low they don't want to deal with it.
I'm sorry to say just giving up on these people, its completely understandable. But they need the help and support that will see them through it.
Honestly people like this, trust me they need a lot of work to get back to normal. The lack of effort is through well these people have just given up I suppose, they say yes, I'm fine ect and brush off the questions about if something is wrong in order to hide the fact something is wrong with them. Sometimes they've very much come to terms with whats wrong with them but they've hit such a low they don't want to deal with it.
I'm sorry to say just giving up on these people, its completely understandable. But they need the help and support that will see them through it.
All the people just suddenly saying "oh how selfish" etc, do you guys know how hard it is to deal with a friend with depression?
It's perfectly natural to think about distancing yourself as it makes you feel like you just don't know them anymore and that they rent the person you became friends with.
Obviously I'm not saying you necessarily should distance yourself because the friend needs you and part of being a friend is helping each other.
Just saying, don't be so harsh, it's tough.
This was posted from The Student Room's iPad App
It's perfectly natural to think about distancing yourself as it makes you feel like you just don't know them anymore and that they rent the person you became friends with.
Obviously I'm not saying you necessarily should distance yourself because the friend needs you and part of being a friend is helping each other.
Just saying, don't be so harsh, it's tough.
This was posted from The Student Room's iPad App
She sounds like she has depression. When you have depression, you need support from everyone both friends and family.
You don't feel like going out or anything.
I have it and my friends don't talk to me anymore and even if they don't, it's all arguments saying how I'm moping and attention seeking. They don't understand.
If you want my advice, I would suggest you show her you understand.
Posted from TSR Mobile
You don't feel like going out or anything.
I have it and my friends don't talk to me anymore and even if they don't, it's all arguments saying how I'm moping and attention seeking. They don't understand.
If you want my advice, I would suggest you show her you understand.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Swag hatter
All the people just suddenly saying "oh how selfish" etc, do you guys know how hard it is to deal with a friend with depression?
It's perfectly natural to think about distancing yourself as it makes you feel like you just don't know them anymore and that they rent the person you became friends with.
Obviously I'm not saying you necessarily should distance yourself because the friend needs you and part of being a friend is helping each other.
Just saying, don't be so harsh, it's tough.
This was posted from The Student Room's iPad App
It's perfectly natural to think about distancing yourself as it makes you feel like you just don't know them anymore and that they rent the person you became friends with.
Obviously I'm not saying you necessarily should distance yourself because the friend needs you and part of being a friend is helping each other.
Just saying, don't be so harsh, it's tough.
This was posted from The Student Room's iPad App
I see what you're saying, it must be difficult and frustrating, but at the same time shouldn't a good friendship be unconditional? The OP perhaps comes across as selfish because they seem to be making it more about them and for example moaning about why the girl didn't come to their birthday, rather than being concerned for someone who clearly deep down has some serious issues and its not like they're appearing not bothered on purpose. Ignorance of MH problems seems to be the problem here and it'll be why others here may have lost friends because of it, though that's not me having a go at the OP as its understandable if you haven't suffered from MH problems yourself that you wouldn't understand with a general lack of understanding in this country.
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