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Is it possible to get over someone whislt still having sex with them?

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I suppose in a way, I brought this all on myself. He made it clear at the start of this "sex thing" that we would never be together again, although I still think his reasons for not being with me are unreasonable. I guess because he was showing me affection/taking me out I confused it with him wanting more. I used to text him everyday and he would happily reply back. I haven't texted him for a few days now, and its becoming really difficult to stop thinking about him. He's coming into my dreams almost every night and he slips into my mind occasionally too. From his point of view, nothing has changed between us. We are still on good terms and he's more than likely unaware of how I have reacted to him wanting to find someone new eventually. Ive been ridiculous in thinking he felt more than he actually does, I mean, he is a really nice guy, and ive probably made him out to be something he's not - after all, I agreed to do this. I think the thing that affected me most was him saying "I thought we were doing this so we didn't have to be alone" I cannot really speak to him about this because we've been through it so many times now, ill just be getting the same answers back off him. It probably seems like ive gotten attached unnecessarily, but he was my first boyfriend and sexual partner and throughout the relationship there were no arguments or bad times, so I haven't got anything to "dislike" him for. I guess he's just treating me like a normal "friend with benefit" now instead of like we are still together. I would like to remain friends (he said once this is over we will be) but im doubtful because we don't speak unless I start it the majority of the time, and have limited time with him when I do see him. Im just feeling really rubbish today.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it and deny you are partly at fault for agreeing to it, but it was his idea to suggest it, and he's equally as involved in sleeping with you. Unless he's completely blind it must be pretty obvious for him that you still have feelings, and that this arrangement gave you hope that it wasn't over, at least, not completely and that it could start up again.

It's not ridiculous. When we want something we hope it will happen and delude ourselves a bit, it's happened countless times to countless people and will happen again. We do it in everything from interpreting feelings in the person you fancy when they're just being friendly, to situations like this where we interpret that things could go back to the way they were. Don't feel bad, you're just human like the rest of us. Particularly if he was your first it would be unreasonable to expect you to feel or behave otherwise. He never should have suggested this.

The thing he said about not being alone does show how he's doing this for sex. I would also say companionship and a close, non-committed relationship, but he never initiates contact or talking to you.

Right now, I don't think you can be friends. I would just send him a text or an email explaining that this is too painful for you, that it's making you/keeping you attached, and that you need to be by yourself now to actually and properly move on from what you had, and that if its best for you, at some point in the future you can be friends. Then delete his number and block his Facebook if you have to, particularly if you're one of those to stalk his Facebook to find out about what's going on in his life and if he finds another girl.

If and when you feel ready, you can get back in contact. I would recommend doing this when the thought of him with another girl, or seeing him (in a photo, etc) with another girl doesn't upset you at all. That's one of the best ways I've found to judge whether you are over someone.

Go out with friends, watch sad movies if you feel you need to cry a little bit, find or resume a hobby, go to the gym - anything and everything to keep you occupied. I would also suggest keeping a diary to write down how you're feeling, sometimes it really helps to just get your feelings down on paper.

Edit: and don't feel bad for whatever it is you need to do to feel better. If you need to comfort eat, then comfort eat and do it as much as you want. If it's to go out shopping and buy some clothes, then go out shopping.

(edited 10 years ago)

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