Too much too soon - your opinions on a guy I've been dating?

Almost 2 months ago I emerged from an almost 2 year relationship that I ended - I technically didn't want to end the relationship because I loved him, but his actions left me with no choice. I had poured all of my emotions into being with this guy, so I felt drained when it was over but also relived. A fortnight after things ended my male friend told me he liked me (and had for a while). I had always thought of him as 'the only guy I would date if I was single'. But still I explained the situation and explained I wasn't ready to be in anything serious again for a while. He said he understood and said he just liked spending time with me - so we went on dates, whether it was to the cinema or the park.

Shortly after he invited me round to cook dinner for me - he did, and the food was great but I hadn't even finished digesting my food before he was leading me to the bedroom. At first, I was hesitant and he said it was okay we 'didn't have to' - but I kind of felt like we'd got that far and I've never had such strong chemistry with someone in my entire life. Not even in past relationships. The deed was great, and we spent the whole evening and the whole of the next day together having lunch etc. But not long after I left him he called asking if I wanted to see him again the next day - I said I couldn't as I have family commitments (which I very much do right now) plus I need me time. He calls nearly every day and emails every day. We aren't public because we're still dating + because I want to be sensitive to my ex's feelings for a while longer. We both live locally to my ex.

The second time we got together he suggested I cook for him and invite him to my place, said he would like to travel with me (I have travel plans) and ultimately admitted he is looking for a relationship despite saying he was happy just dating. Also, we both have high sex drives but at one point he actually woke me up (after 3 hours of sleep!) and was persistent - I found it annoying and was pushing him away. I suddenly felt so overwhelmed by everything. We almost called it off then and there, but it seemed too sad...and he is wonderful. He is stunning (an adonis type) - my female friends and even female relatives have been blown away by him. My family recently met him + commented on the fact he seems warmer than my ex, which is true. He easily tells me the things he likes about me - asking my ex to do this was like pulling teeth. And the man is really talented. He said he's not find a woman he feels this way about in a long time. But...it's too much too soon. Though my (smart) friends/family have warned me not to throw him away so easily.

So I need your advice. Is there any way to slow things down and salvage this? I also feel a big focus is becoming on sex, is there any way to pull back from sex without making things stagnate? He himself admitted to being 'needy' but said he was going to work on it.

Reply 1

secret_smile

2

Talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel as honestly and frankly as you have in this post.
If you pull away from him sexually without explaining why you will just confuse him. If he really wants to be with you he will at least try to understand and give you the space/time that you need.

Reply 2

matt_g96

10

from what it sounds like, he has already liked you for a long time, and now that you dont have a boyfriend, he wants to be with you. it probably seems faster to you because you just came off a long relationship, while he has been wanting to ask you out for awhile. thats just my two cents, good luck i hope it works out

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by secret_smile

Talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel as honestly and frankly as you have in this post.
If you pull away from him sexually without explaining why you will just confuse him. If he really wants to be with you he will at least try to understand and give you the space/time that you need.

I did. I sat down with him after I realised how overwhelmed I felt and explained. He said he never should have said he wanted a relationship - I asked him to clarify whether he did or not - he admitted he did. I then said at this exact moment in time I did not - but it didn't mean I wouldn't be ready at some point. Though I couldn't say exactly when, and the ball was in his court. I asked if he was up for negotiation then and he said he absolutely was...but this is the second time I've asked him to slow down...which suggests he wasn't really listening first time round.

Would not having sex for a bit ruin everything, as it's like taking a step back? :frown:

I just feel like I want to get to know him more...we have been dating for a month, but I still don't feel like I know him all that well.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

I mean what would be acceptable 'space/time' for him to give me without driving him away completely?

Reply 5

joker12345

19

Original post by Anonymous

Would not having sex for a bit ruin everything, as it's like taking a step back? :frown:

I just feel like I want to get to know him more...we have been dating for a month, but I still don't feel like I know him all that well.

Whether or not you have sex is ultimately up to you, but it certainly seems weird and like maybe you've lost interest - if you wanted to get to know him before sex you wouldn't have had sex in the first place!
Are you actually over your ex? From what you describe, it sounds like maybe there are some lingering feelings, or you wouldn't be so hesitant with a guy you apparently really like!

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by joker12345

Whether or not you have sex is ultimately up to you, but it certainly seems weird and like maybe you've lost interest - if you wanted to get to know him before sex you wouldn't have had sex in the first place!
Are you actually over your ex? From what you describe, it sounds like maybe there are some lingering feelings, or you wouldn't be so hesitant with a guy you apparently really like!

Not necessarily. In fact it was in the middle of having a talk about me wanting to take things slowly that he invited me over to cook dinner. I then asked 'but...what are your expectations considering what we've just talked about?' and he said he had none, he just wanted to cook dinner for me. But once we got there, it was clear he wanted to have sex. So...I wouldn't have initiated/have done it so soon had he not asked.

Well, I was with my ex for nearly 2 years and we broke up less than 2 months ago. Yes, I have lingering feelings for caring about him deeply. I also am enjoying being with friends/family and doing things for myself as I seemed to spend so much time throwing myself into a relationship. Annoyingly, I seem to have met the right person at the wrong time. So the question then seems to be: am I willing to throw my time constraint away because I've met a good guy? And I'm not sure.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

edit: but I would never get back with my ex again. I care about him in a friendly way now, not romantically. There are no hard feelings.

Reply 8

Ladders

15

Sounds like he's after you for sexual gratification really; he's not listening to your reasonable requests and pressures you into it, persistently? I'm sorry but that sounds like he doesn't really care whats in your head.

If waiting until you want to do it properly is going to 'ruin' things and push him away, maybe that's not a bad thing.

Don't let his good looks blindside you into compromising on your values

Reply 9

joker12345

19

Original post by Anonymous

Not necessarily. In fact it was in the middle of having a talk about me wanting to take things slowly that he invited me over to cook dinner. I then asked 'but...what are your expectations considering what we've just talked about?' and he said he had none, he just wanted to cook dinner for me. But once we got there, it was clear he wanted to have sex. So...I wouldn't have initiated/have done it so soon had he not asked.

Well, I was with my ex for nearly 2 years and we broke up less than 2 months ago. Yes, I have lingering feelings for caring about him deeply. I also am enjoying being with friends/family and doing things for myself as I seemed to spend so much time throwing myself into a relationship. Annoyingly, I seem to have met the right person at the wrong time. So the question then seems to be: am I willing to throw my time constraint away because I've met a good guy? And I'm not sure.

But you could have said no to having sex, which you didn't then. If you do now, well he's obviously going to wonder what changed - I'm not saying you should have sex if you don't want to, just that it is likely he'll think you have lost interest or something as you changed your mind.
I'm a firm believer that there's no wrong time for the right person, you just need to figure out whether he really is the right person. I meant, surely if he is the right person you'll enjoy the time you spend with him too, just like that you spend with family/friends?

Reply 10

marklavender

7

Maybe you could not sleep over if he is going to wake you up, if i did that i would get a slap x

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Ladders

Sounds like he's after you for sexual gratification really; he's not listening to your reasonable requests and pressures you into it, persistently? I'm sorry but that sounds like he doesn't really care whats in your head.

If waiting until you want to do it properly is going to 'ruin' things and push him away, maybe that's not a bad thing.

Don't let his good looks blindside you into compromising on your values

Yeah, I understand what you're saying. I will admit I have been blindsided by his good looks somewhat - he is very attractive and I think at first I also wanted to jump his bones without realising that keenness might translate into wanting a 'relationship' later on. Though I did make things clear.

But: I mean he's said that when he first met me he thought 'banging body' and admitted that perhaps at first sex was the most *prominent* thing on his mind. He then went on to say that over time he's coming to really like me, realised the connection between us is more and said he doesn't do things for just any woman like he's done for me (personal stuff I didn't mention here). It's just those 'blurred lines' ( :wink:

) that are the problem.

Reply 12

Anonymous #2

Won't it make things awakard like if you, your ex and this guy all live locally? Might wanna pause on the dating as you literally just came out of a relationship 2 months..thats way too soon

Reply 13

Libtardian

15

He's a passive aggressive beta male, this is guy should have remained in your friend-zone, or maybe not at all considering what you said made him seem a bit...rapey.

Posted from TSR Mobile

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by otester

He's a passive aggressive beta male, this is what happens when you go out with someone you've previously friend-zoned.

Posted from TSR Mobile

He;s definitely alpha. Don't think I've met someone LESS pass aggressive, he makes his intentions quite clear!

Reply 15

Libtardian

15

Original post by Anonymous

He;s definitely alpha. Don't think I've met someone LESS pass aggressive, he makes his intentions quite clear!

I'm just going by what you've said, making clear intentions does not make him an alpha male but a passive aggressive beta male, you friend-zoned him, remember?

Posted from TSR Mobile

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by otester

I'm just going by what you've said, making clear intentions does not make him an alpha male but a passive aggressive beta male, you friend-zoned him, remember?

Posted from TSR Mobile

When did I friend-zone him? When we met I was in a relationship and he was pursuing/seeing another girl.

Reply 17

Millie228

9

He's way more into you than you are to him.
Your general 'sex drive' doesn't matter. Everybody has a high drive with someone they're nuts about. With my ex, he could wake me up whenever, and we'd go at it. At the most, it was five times a night, sleep was secondary - we were both highly attracted to each other, and it was still in the first flush.
It doesn't matter if he's a "good prospect". I find it a bit concerning that you feel the need to mention how your family and friends feel about him and the fact that he's an 'adonis'. Or the fact that he has certain assets over your ex. Your ex is your ex, there is a reason you broke up, and any man you date after him will (hopefully) be better.

I don't know a single selective, high quality woman who has ended up in a new relationship less than two months after her old one. If you are selective, at least twenty guys will ask you out before you go on a first date and one or two of those will go further. You're just settling.

Honest opinion? You're not nuts about this guy. It's temporary. If you were crazy about him, you wouldn't feel the need to "slow things down". You'd just want more of him. You've been dating less than two months, which is "the first flush". Get used to the idea that after an LTR it is normal to be single. Any woman who has options and wants a guy who is right for her takes time to meet new men, date and take her time. It seems you will settle for a) here, and b) interested. I don't doubt you like him. But you have fueled your interest with various arguments in regards to why he's a good guy.

If it was right, you wouldn't need to make this post.

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Millie228

He's way more into you than you are to him.
Your general 'sex drive' doesn't matter. Everybody has a high drive with someone they're nuts about. With my ex, he could wake me up whenever, and we'd go at it. At the most, it was five times a night, sleep was secondary - we were both highly attracted to each other, and it was still in the first flush.
It doesn't matter if he's a "good prospect". I find it a bit concerning that you feel the need to mention how your family and friends feel about him and the fact that he's an 'adonis'. Or the fact that he has certain assets over your ex. Your ex is your ex, there is a reason you broke up, and any man you date after him will (hopefully) be better.

I don't know a single selective, high quality woman who has ended up in a new relationship less than two months after her old one. If you are selective, at least twenty guys will ask you out before you go on a first date and one or two of those will go further. You're just settling.

Honest opinion? You're not nuts about this guy. It's temporary. If you were crazy about him, you wouldn't feel the need to "slow things down". You'd just want more of him. You've been dating less than two months, which is "the first flush". Get used to the idea that after an LTR it is normal to be single. Any woman who has options and wants a guy who is right for her takes time to meet new men, date and take her time. It seems you will settle for a) here, and b) interested. I don't doubt you like him. But you have fueled your interest with various arguments in regards to why he's a good guy.

If it was right, you wouldn't need to make this post.

Thanks for your advice Millie (it all helps!) but I generally disagree here. Two other people (one I found very attractive in more ways than one) have asked me to go on dates since I became single and I've declined them both in favour of continuing to date this guy.

I don't think I'm settling. Objectively I can see he's the best thing since sliced bread. Bear in mind I felt a connection to this guy when I first met him, so he's not just anyone. I love having sex with the guy, and we go 'go at it' a lot. I think saying your ex could 'wake you up whenever' is a little over-zealous - I'd had a really long and stressful day. There are times when I'd be up for it, but that night was not one of them. I also don't think it's as simple as 'you wouldn't need to make this post'. The fact is I can't jump from one relationship to the next with ease. When I love someone, I put so much into the relationship that the shock of it ending means it's going to take time for me to figure those feelings out: they don't disappear over night.

That doesn't mean I couldn't see myself being with this guy in the future.