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My boyfriend makes me feel like I'm never good enough...
We've only been together 4 months, and from the start he's been open with the fact that I'm not his usual type (both looks and personality wise). At first I took this as a compliment, that he must really like me anyway even though I'm not his type.
But now it's getting hard to constantly feel like I'm not good enough. He's got this 'perfect girlfriend' image in his head and every time I do something which doesn't fit with that he is dissapointed. Often he won't say but then later he'll bring it up, for instance, he asked if I wanted to go for a meal with him and his housemates at the last minute and I was really tired so politely declined. A few days later he told me he couldn't believe I'd not go because he'd 'do anything' for me. Basically he keeps telling me how he feels he is putting more in than he is getting out, even though I'm doing all I can. I can't change my personality. He wants a fun loving, spontaneous and adventurous girlfriend and that's just not me.
He also doesn't think we are compatible on a lot of things, to me the things he refers to aren't that important (music for example) and I tell him that it's impossible to find someone with exactly the same interests, to which he replied 'no its not, because I have before'.
He tells me he likes me for who I am, but I just feel like he wishes I was this perfect girl. I just want him to understand that I'm not always going to act the way he wishes I would. I don't even know why he's with me if I'm not what he wants a girlfriend to be.
But now it's getting hard to constantly feel like I'm not good enough. He's got this 'perfect girlfriend' image in his head and every time I do something which doesn't fit with that he is dissapointed. Often he won't say but then later he'll bring it up, for instance, he asked if I wanted to go for a meal with him and his housemates at the last minute and I was really tired so politely declined. A few days later he told me he couldn't believe I'd not go because he'd 'do anything' for me. Basically he keeps telling me how he feels he is putting more in than he is getting out, even though I'm doing all I can. I can't change my personality. He wants a fun loving, spontaneous and adventurous girlfriend and that's just not me.
He also doesn't think we are compatible on a lot of things, to me the things he refers to aren't that important (music for example) and I tell him that it's impossible to find someone with exactly the same interests, to which he replied 'no its not, because I have before'.
He tells me he likes me for who I am, but I just feel like he wishes I was this perfect girl. I just want him to understand that I'm not always going to act the way he wishes I would. I don't even know why he's with me if I'm not what he wants a girlfriend to be.
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If you feel that way, leave. Honestly, such individuals are destructive to your mental health and they will be a blockade to your progress. I know I would cut contact immediately since I respect myself to a great deal, the best people you can be around are those who embrace and accept you just as you are, everything else is poison.
(edited 10 years ago)
No disrespect intended, but he sounds like a c*nt.
All you can do is tell him that you are who you are, and that you can't be what he wants.
If I were your good self, I'd dump his unappreciative ass.
All you can do is tell him that you are who you are, and that you can't be what he wants.
If I were your good self, I'd dump his unappreciative ass.
Original post by Anonymous
We've only been together 4 months, and from the start he's been open with the fact that I'm not his usual type (both looks and personality wise). At first I took this as a compliment, that he must really like me anyway even though I'm not his type.
But now it's getting hard to constantly feel like I'm not good enough. He's got this 'perfect girlfriend' image in his head and every time I do something which doesn't fit with that he is dissapointed. Often he won't say but then later he'll bring it up, for instance, he asked if I wanted to go for a meal with him and his housemates at the last minute and I was really tired so politely declined. A few days later he told me he couldn't believe I'd not go because he'd 'do anything' for me. Basically he keeps telling me how he feels he is putting more in than he is getting out, even though I'm doing all I can. I can't change my personality. He wants a fun loving, spontaneous and adventurous girlfriend and that's just not me.
He also doesn't think we are compatible on a lot of things, to me the things he refers to aren't that important (music for example) and I tell him that it's impossible to find someone with exactly the same interests, to which he replied 'no its not, because I have before'.
He tells me he likes me for who I am, but I just feel like he wishes I was this perfect girl. I just want him to understand that I'm not always going to act the way he wishes I would. I don't even know why he's with me if I'm not what he wants a girlfriend to be.
But now it's getting hard to constantly feel like I'm not good enough. He's got this 'perfect girlfriend' image in his head and every time I do something which doesn't fit with that he is dissapointed. Often he won't say but then later he'll bring it up, for instance, he asked if I wanted to go for a meal with him and his housemates at the last minute and I was really tired so politely declined. A few days later he told me he couldn't believe I'd not go because he'd 'do anything' for me. Basically he keeps telling me how he feels he is putting more in than he is getting out, even though I'm doing all I can. I can't change my personality. He wants a fun loving, spontaneous and adventurous girlfriend and that's just not me.
He also doesn't think we are compatible on a lot of things, to me the things he refers to aren't that important (music for example) and I tell him that it's impossible to find someone with exactly the same interests, to which he replied 'no its not, because I have before'.
He tells me he likes me for who I am, but I just feel like he wishes I was this perfect girl. I just want him to understand that I'm not always going to act the way he wishes I would. I don't even know why he's with me if I'm not what he wants a girlfriend to be.
You two clearly aren't that compatible, and he's not exactly wrong. There's 7 trillion people out there, don't waste your time settling for someone when you can both do better by getting into relationships with people you are compatible with.
Original post by hihoho
If you feel that way, leave. Honestly, such individuals are destructive to your mental health and they will be a blockade to your progress. I know I would cut contact immediately since I respect myself to a great deal, the best people you can be around are those who embrace and accept you just as you are, everything else is poison.
But I don't think there's anyone that would particularly like my personality anyway. I think tolerance is the best I'm ever going to get. I can hardly blame him, even my own family can't stand my personality most of the time.
If he can't deal with the fact that this image he's got of a "perfect girlfriend" in his head probably doesn't exist in the real world, then its his problem. If he's pressuring you to act how he expects you to and not as you are and guilt tripping you when you don't meet his expectations, thats really not good. I'd actually say it borders on abuse and that this has the potential to become a controlling relationship if you don't either get out or make a stand against this behaviour now. He may say he likes you for how you are but its pretty clear that he doesn't fully respect you for who you are. You need to deal with this by confronting the issue and/or leaving if he doesn't improve his attitude.
Original post by Anonymous
But I don't think there's anyone that would particularly like my personality anyway. I think tolerance is the best I'm ever going to get. I can hardly blame him, even my own family can't stand my personality most of the time.
This is the type of thinking that will drag you down to many more problems, you're desperate and he smells it on you thus treating exactly how you treat yourself.
Original post by Anonymous
But I don't think there's anyone that would particularly like my personality anyway. I think tolerance is the best I'm ever going to get. I can hardly blame him, even my own family can't stand my personality most of the time.
This is an issue that you need to sort. Clearly you have some self esteem and self respect issues here which you need to get past and to be honest, I don't think this relationship is going to help you with that one bit. In my honest opinion, you're probably better off not being in a relationship and learning to love and respect yourself for who you are.
To be perfectly honest I think you should let him go. You are a young, charismatic, beautiful lady. You don't need someone who's going to constantly question you and question every single thing you do. If he don't appreciate you for who you are, then truth be told he does not deserve you. You don't need unneccesary drama in your life. Fall for someone who loves you for who you are. You sound like an amazing girl honestly. Yes you don't have the same taste as him in music but if he really loved you then he would also make an effort to like the music you like. Leave him trust me he don't deserve you. If he really loves you after you leave him tell him the reasons why your leaving, if he don't change his ways then he clearly doesn't love you and leaving him would prove to be the best choice you made.
so he has found someone before who has exactly the same interests as him? How'd that work out for him then...? not a match made in heaven obviously of they'd still be together.
you haven't been together long, in your shoes I'd walk away, this has no long term future if he is everlastingly going to be drooling over the idea of a girl who isnt like you. If you stay this is going to damage your self esteem, to leave now is easier than leaving in two more months.
I'd tell him you are not the girl he wants, you wont ever be that girl, and you are not going to try to change who you are to match some image he has of some ex who had the same interests as him.
you haven't been together long, in your shoes I'd walk away, this has no long term future if he is everlastingly going to be drooling over the idea of a girl who isnt like you. If you stay this is going to damage your self esteem, to leave now is easier than leaving in two more months.
I'd tell him you are not the girl he wants, you wont ever be that girl, and you are not going to try to change who you are to match some image he has of some ex who had the same interests as him.
Original post by Anonymous
We've only been together 4 months, and from the start he's been open with the fact that I'm not his usual type (both looks and personality wise). At first I took this as a compliment, that he must really like me anyway even though I'm not his type.
But now it's getting hard to constantly feel like I'm not good enough. He's got this 'perfect girlfriend' image in his head and every time I do something which doesn't fit with that he is dissapointed. Often he won't say but then later he'll bring it up, for instance, he asked if I wanted to go for a meal with him and his housemates at the last minute and I was really tired so politely declined. A few days later he told me he couldn't believe I'd not go because he'd 'do anything' for me. Basically he keeps telling me how he feels he is putting more in than he is getting out, even though I'm doing all I can. I can't change my personality. He wants a fun loving, spontaneous and adventurous girlfriend and that's just not me.
He also doesn't think we are compatible on a lot of things, to me the things he refers to aren't that important (music for example) and I tell him that it's impossible to find someone with exactly the same interests, to which he replied 'no its not, because I have before'.
He tells me he likes me for who I am, but I just feel like he wishes I was this perfect girl. I just want him to understand that I'm not always going to act the way he wishes I would. I don't even know why he's with me if I'm not what he wants a girlfriend to be.
But now it's getting hard to constantly feel like I'm not good enough. He's got this 'perfect girlfriend' image in his head and every time I do something which doesn't fit with that he is dissapointed. Often he won't say but then later he'll bring it up, for instance, he asked if I wanted to go for a meal with him and his housemates at the last minute and I was really tired so politely declined. A few days later he told me he couldn't believe I'd not go because he'd 'do anything' for me. Basically he keeps telling me how he feels he is putting more in than he is getting out, even though I'm doing all I can. I can't change my personality. He wants a fun loving, spontaneous and adventurous girlfriend and that's just not me.
He also doesn't think we are compatible on a lot of things, to me the things he refers to aren't that important (music for example) and I tell him that it's impossible to find someone with exactly the same interests, to which he replied 'no its not, because I have before'.
He tells me he likes me for who I am, but I just feel like he wishes I was this perfect girl. I just want him to understand that I'm not always going to act the way he wishes I would. I don't even know why he's with me if I'm not what he wants a girlfriend to be.
Maybe try being good enough for him. Cook him nice meals. Show a little cleavage. Initiate foreplay. Massage his toes.
Original post by conf
Maybe try being good enough for him. Cook him nice meals. Show a little cleavage. Initiate foreplay. Massage his toes.
Hahaha! Class!
Thanks for all the replies. Honestly though, I have a terrible personality. It's been the cause of breakup for all but one of my previous relationships. Once a guy gets to know me they realise I'm not that great. I'm neurotic, anxious, shy, socially awkward and fussy. Like I said, even my own family can't stand me so how can I expect a guy to?
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for all the replies. Honestly though, I have a terrible personality. It's been the cause of breakup for all but one of my previous relationships. Once a guy gets to know me they realise I'm not that great. I'm neurotic, anxious, shy, socially awkward and fussy. Like I said, even my own family can't stand me so how can I expect a guy to?
Regardless of all of this, you cannot be with someone who makes that worse. That is the bottom line. Your issues within yourself are entirely different and yes, it will be hard finding someone who 'puts up' with it all, but there will be someone out there similar. The person you are with now is not a good person for you to be with. I really agree with the other posters - you should leave before he hurts you any more. Take confidence from the fact that you leave, pride yourself on getting 'out' and being independent for a while. Focus on yourself, maybe, before you try and force yourself to be with someone who is not good for you? Why the need to be with someone else above helping yourself first? In my opinion it will be hard to ever be satisfied in a relationship with too many self-esteem issues, problems and paranoia will always pop up. That's not to say it isn't possible, but I don't think it's wise to be in such a hurry to get into another relationship. If you're so negative about yourself and kind find something positive to hang on to, make something positive; do something that will make you like yourself, make you be proud of what you've accomplished or become.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by unizzy
To be perfectly honest I think you should let him go. You are a young, charismatic, beautiful lady. You don't need someone who's going to constantly question you and question every single thing you do. If he don't appreciate you for who you are, then truth be told he does not deserve you. You don't need unneccesary drama in your life. Fall for someone who loves you for who you are. You sound like an amazing girl honestly. Yes you don't have the same taste as him in music but if he really loved you then he would also make an effort to like the music you like. Leave him trust me he don't deserve you. If he really loves you after you leave him tell him the reasons why your leaving, if he don't change his ways then he clearly doesn't love you and leaving him would prove to be the best choice you made.
Cringe.
Original post by unizzy
To be perfectly honest I think you should let him go. You are a young, charismatic, beautiful lady. You don't need someone who's going to constantly question you and question every single thing you do. If he don't appreciate you for who you are, then truth be told he does not deserve you. You don't need unneccesary drama in your life. Fall for someone who loves you for who you are. You sound like an amazing girl honestly. Yes you don't have the same taste as him in music but if he really loved you then he would also make an effort to like the music you like. Leave him trust me he don't deserve you. If he really loves you after you leave him tell him the reasons why your leaving, if he don't change his ways then he clearly doesn't love you and leaving him would prove to be the best choice you made.
You worked all that out over the internet? The NSA missed a trick with you.
Firstly, to be truthful and blunt, we're only hearing things from the OP's perspective. Its entirely plausible that her boyfriend feels he is getting the raw deal in this relationship too. To suggest that she go find someone else is absurd and could break up a relationship there and then that could be worked on.
The boyfriends ways are not uncommon tbh. One, a lot of people in relationships would wish that their partner would attend something with them even if it was last minute. I know I would as long as it wasn't happening all the time to the point where it could include more of a forewarning. These are things people in relationships often do.
Also, for the boyfriend or any person in a relationship to have an ideal person of whom they want to be with is not uncommon either OP. Many do conjure this image in their heads of the perfect partner and they let their imagination run wild. A lot of people realise through maturity that sometimes you must settle for someone who meets a few or several of these demands rather than someone who ticks every box on the 'mental checklist'. For many, finding the perfect person who is a 100% match for you is nothing more than a dream or fiction conjured up on television and film sets worldwide. Its not settling for second best, its being realistic OP.
OP, you need to make some sacrifices as he is more than likely making them too for you. You may not be aware of them but he may be making them.
There's no way I can say for definite whats up because only you both will know that but next time he asks you along just go with the flow even if you dont really want to do so deep down and try and enjoy it. If then he still finds something to moan about then maybe there is something else but dont feel like this is something to end a relationship over. To suggest such an action is ludicrous.
Original post by Anonymous
But I don't think there's anyone that would particularly like my personality anyway. I think tolerance is the best I'm ever going to get. I can hardly blame him, even my own family can't stand my personality most of the time.
Now that's not an attitude you should be having. He should be worshipping you like a goddess, day and night. (Yes, as cringeworthy as that may sound, I really couldn't come up wth anything better)To be honest, you can do better than him and are better off together. From what you said, there seems to be no future for you as a couple.
But, if you want to try and save things, maybe be impulsive and try to politely say why you couldn't make it the other night. If he's still being a frontal apendage, then dump him.
Women with low self esteem attract men who like to keep them down. That way they know they won't leave them. They mentally abuse them to the point that the woman feels that they should be grateful that this guy wants them in the first place.
Before anyone accuses me of being sexist, it works the other way too!
Before anyone accuses me of being sexist, it works the other way too!
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for all the replies. Honestly though, I have a terrible personality. It's been the cause of breakup for all but one of my previous relationships. Once a guy gets to know me they realise I'm not that great. I'm neurotic, anxious, shy, socially awkward and fussy. Like I said, even my own family can't stand me so how can I expect a guy to?
Wow, you truly are a self-depricating b888h. Hope you get sucked into a dark vortex. On a less harsh note, become more self-loving and self respecting and life would seem a bit more rosy.
Lots of love and light. xx
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