My ex is now on the board of a university society. It depresses me to compete with he
I'd rather just get on with my own life than have to make her jealous, which isn't going to work at this rate. Academically she has won. Physically as a girl she has won, she is good looking and Superman is a higher value male to start with (the majority of his Facebook friends are girls, as I said he's a good-looking smart guy, kudos). They may or may not be dating.
The only reason she's winning at all, however, is because of my stupid notions of social hierarchy and success in the professional sphere. At the risk of sounding racist, her strict Asian parents have disciplined her well; she actually feels guilty for considering dropping her extracurricular workload (she told me this when we were dating, that is one of the reasons why she dumped me-lower priority feelsbadman).
But because of the way I see the world every achievement like this puts her up on a pedestal, and makes me going 'yay got an essay in on time' sound like a lower-value male.
How do I stop thinking someone is better than me because they are e.g. a society representative, or have a lower body fat, or earn more (or probably will earn more as she'll be a scientist one day I'm sure), etc.? I have become really shallow and materialist in that sense, practically verging on the old misc mantra 'disregard bitches, acquire money and aesthetics'
Yes I know I'm obsessing but if I don't get to the bottom of this then this pattern of obsessing over grades, money, looks and social status may repeat in future relationships.
The extent of it is almost fascist; the way I see it if we were in a fascist society she would be in the master race because of this, whereas I would be in the firing squad simply because I am nice but average. And I'm getting fed up of this chasing self improvement for status because it's not making me happy
Tl; dr ex has been trained to be Supergirl academically and in the extracurricular world, cba competing but to compete is the way I've understood my world since being overshadowed by my brother at 10 years old, why do I feel this makes me a lesser person?
The only reason she's winning at all, however, is because of my stupid notions of social hierarchy and success in the professional sphere. At the risk of sounding racist, her strict Asian parents have disciplined her well; she actually feels guilty for considering dropping her extracurricular workload (she told me this when we were dating, that is one of the reasons why she dumped me-lower priority feelsbadman).
But because of the way I see the world every achievement like this puts her up on a pedestal, and makes me going 'yay got an essay in on time' sound like a lower-value male.
How do I stop thinking someone is better than me because they are e.g. a society representative, or have a lower body fat, or earn more (or probably will earn more as she'll be a scientist one day I'm sure), etc.? I have become really shallow and materialist in that sense, practically verging on the old misc mantra 'disregard bitches, acquire money and aesthetics'
Yes I know I'm obsessing but if I don't get to the bottom of this then this pattern of obsessing over grades, money, looks and social status may repeat in future relationships.
The extent of it is almost fascist; the way I see it if we were in a fascist society she would be in the master race because of this, whereas I would be in the firing squad simply because I am nice but average. And I'm getting fed up of this chasing self improvement for status because it's not making me happy
Tl; dr ex has been trained to be Supergirl academically and in the extracurricular world, cba competing but to compete is the way I've understood my world since being overshadowed by my brother at 10 years old, why do I feel this makes me a lesser person?
(edited 9 years ago)
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Original post by Riku
...
You don't know yourself well enough to realise that you can 'compete' with her in a healthy way.
stop following her. Take a break from facebook. Get outside for a walk and breathe. The only one you need to beat is your own efforts, challenge yourself to get better but don't compare.Original post by Kotoamatsukami
You don't know yourself well enough to realise that you can 'compete' with her in a healthy way.
How so? To do so I would e.g. have to become a best-selling writer now, or renowned historian, or fitness model, or CEO. Really this is the way I see things. It's apparently not healthy like I say it's practically fascist
Original post by Riku
How so? To do so I would e.g. have to become a best-selling writer now, or renowned historian, or fitness model, or CEO. Really this is the way I see things. It's apparently not healthy like I say it's practically fascist
Instead of all of those things, show her your green lightsaber.
Original post by tradingmyheartforyours stop following her. Take a break from facebook. Get outside for a walk and breathe. The only one you need to beat is your own efforts, challenge yourself to get better but don't compare.
stop following her. Take a break from facebook. Get outside for a walk and breathe. The only one you need to beat is your own efforts, challenge yourself to get better but don't compare.But here is the problem, I'm a perfectionist, I'm never good enough as I am right here right now so instead I either chase self improvement and never feel content or just give up on reaching unattainable goals. She's in second year, and she's been doing lots of extracurricular stuff throughout; I've barely done any. I can't 'win' that one.
I am pretty poor at the compare and despair thing simply because employers would think the same way.
Original post by Riku
x
Your misery may not stem from the fact that she is better because I highly doubt it would bring you joy to see her fail. It may stem from the fact that you think your mindset is incorrect and immoral.
You are quite right; some people are better than others. Certain people have a higher value than others and some of the things you discussed are ways of measuring someone's market value. Even if you find somebody else to love, she may not necessarily feel anything besides an initial jolt of jealousy or resentment.
And there isn't necessarily much to be ashamed about in regards to losing the interest of someone who is so career-orientated; because their focus is more divided from the start.
Original post by Old_Simon
You need professional help dude. No really. You do.
Really? Why? Apart from that I am obsessing over my ex girlfriend which I'm aware is unhealthy, I'm wondering whether the whole perfectionism thing is a problem
Original post by Kotoamatsukami
Instead of all of those things, show her your green lightsaber.
My penis? Mate she's my ex
I understand your pain brah, what do you mean when you are on about your brother tho?
Original post by Riku
My penis? Mate she's my ex
Your penis is green? I mean your TSR rep bar.
Original post by Riku
How do I stop thinking someone is better than me because they are
How do I stop thinking someone is better than me because they are
You have to train yourself to stop thinking like this. Honestly, I am the exact same. I had a massive inferiority complex and self hatred during school because I knew that everyone was so much better than me in simply everything: looks, intelligence, personality, confidence, etc. It's seriously messed me up and I'm only just starting to get over it slightly. You have to just FORCE yourself to stop caring. The more you think and debate about it with yourself, the more depressed you will get. Even if you KNOW that everyone is better than you, you have to just either change that or accept it. If you know it can't be changed, then your only option is to accept it and move on.
Comparing yourself to others will just bring you down and down and down. I speak from painful experience. Seriously, you need to start controlling your thoughts by distracting yourself. I know it's hard, it's feels impossible, your thoughts control you and not the other way around, etc etc, but the only way you can stop it is by getting a grip on yourself.
Original post by fnatic NateDestiel
I understand your pain brah, what do you mean when you are on about your brother tho?
I have a brother who is a bit of a genius. Through mostly natural ability but still hard work, he got 13 A*s, 6 A Levels, came top of his year in his MSc, and is now about to present his thesis overseas a conference later this year. He's also president of a university drama society. Look at your sig, 'alpha'. Well, he's the alpha here, I am the dreaded 'nice guy'
Original post by alea iacta est
You have to train yourself to stop thinking like this. Honestly, I am the exact same. I had a massive inferiority complex and self hatred during school because I knew that everyone was so much better than me in simply everything: looks, intelligence, personality, confidence, etc. It's seriously messed me up and I'm only just starting to get over it slightly. You have to just FORCE yourself to stop caring. The more you think and debate about it with yourself, the more depressed you will get. Even if you KNOW that everyone is better than you, you have to just either change that or accept it. If you know it can't be changed, then your only option is to accept it and move on.
Comparing yourself to others will just bring you down and down and down. I speak from painful experience. Seriously, you need to start controlling your thoughts by distracting yourself. I know it's hard, it's feels impossible, your thoughts control you and not the other way around, etc etc, but the only way you can stop it is by getting a grip on yourself.
Comparing yourself to others will just bring you down and down and down. I speak from painful experience. Seriously, you need to start controlling your thoughts by distracting yourself. I know it's hard, it's feels impossible, your thoughts control you and not the other way around, etc etc, but the only way you can stop it is by getting a grip on yourself.
Obviously I'm not going to accept that somebody, especially somebody who ultimately dumped me, is in fact a superior human being to me. This is where the problem comes; it's not just 'she's great at chemistry', 'he's good looking', it's 'they are worth more than me, no matter what acts of kindness I make'
kind of thing.
Yeah I am terrible at this compare and despair thing
Original post by Riku
Obviously I'm not going to accept that somebody, especially somebody who ultimately dumped me, is in fact a superior human being to me. This is where the problem comes; it's not just 'she's great at chemistry', 'he's good looking', it's 'they are worth more than me, no matter what acts of kindness I make'
kind of thing.
Yeah I am terrible at this compare and despair thing
kind of thing.
Yeah I am terrible at this compare and despair thing
So what are you going to do, wallow in your self pity over it forever?
Original post by Riku
I have a brother who is a bit of a genius. Through mostly natural ability but still hard work, he got 13 A*s, 6 A Levels, came top of his year in his MSc, and is now about to present his thesis overseas a conference later this year. He's also president of a university drama society. Look at your sig, 'alpha'. Well, he's the alpha here, I am the dreaded 'nice guy'
Omg I got the wrong end. I interpreted it as your brother was 10. I was thinking DemGrades_Doe.
There's nothing wrong with that. You know what's better than the Alpha. The G.O.A.T.
Don't get all hung up over a girl brah. I used to let that get to me - but not anymore.
Spoiler
Just be the best you, you can be. And find a hotter girlfriend
Original post by Dreadfort
Your misery may not stem from the fact that she is better because I highly doubt it would bring you joy to see her fail. It may stem from the fact that you think your mindset is incorrect and immoral.
You are quite right; some people are better than others. Certain people have a higher value than others and some of the things you discussed are ways of measuring someone's market value. Even if you find somebody else to love, she may not necessarily feel anything besides an initial jolt of jealousy or resentment.
And there isn't necessarily much to be ashamed about in regards to losing the interest of someone who is so career-orientated; because their focus is more divided from the start.
You are quite right; some people are better than others. Certain people have a higher value than others and some of the things you discussed are ways of measuring someone's market value. Even if you find somebody else to love, she may not necessarily feel anything besides an initial jolt of jealousy or resentment.
And there isn't necessarily much to be ashamed about in regards to losing the interest of someone who is so career-orientated; because their focus is more divided from the start.
Spoiler
No, you're right, and I don't think she will because I fear she sees me as a loser. But you're confirming this is true? Since she is 'better' and has higher market value
Haha that's true, I knew it'd be a risk. She even said she was sorry she was 'so busy I could only half-love you'. That and the curfews. I sometimes think she has no choice but to excel academically because of her parents and culture, it's that or the arranged marriage route. Still hurts
Original post by Riku
I'd rather just get on with my own life than have to make her jealous
Then get on with your life and stop obsessing over every single aspect of a girl who is no longer part of your life.
Original post by alea iacta est
So what are you going to do, wallow in your self pity over it forever?
Nooo. Train myself not to see people who earn more, are better-looking, or seem to be socially superior as being more worthwhile human beings. But that requires turning my entire life ethos on its head.
I notice it coming out sometimes with friends at say the pub. I think 'what are these guys, losers, they're ugly, a little overweight, they have no luck with girls, not the most educated'-and then I have to pull myself back and think get over yourself Riku. The disparity between university/grammar school life and my working class family/regional background is confusing. But they're happy, despite not being first in life. So I think I must be wrong here, so desperately chasing being the best.
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