How to stop thinking about this?

I broke up with my ex of 4 years last year after he cheated on me with my friend. We were together throughout uni. We have not contacted for a year and a half.

Today one of our mutual friends from uni told me that he is working for a big company and is earning a good salary for people our age. Idk why I even needed to know that information but now that is stuck in my mind and I can’t help but think of how unfair life is. He was the one who cheated on me and somehow he’s able to have a good job, be paid lots and live a good life. I’m here still single, depressed about the loneliness because my childhood friends have moved away or simply grown apart and I am struggling to make new friends as most people seem to be settled in their friend groups or relationships and don’t seem to be interested in making new meaningful friendships. I have lots of acquaintances but no actual friends.

I am not happy in my job and am thinking of going back to uni to do a PhD as that’s what I initially planned to do (my ex told me he would propose to me at graduation and so I thought to go straight into work to earn money for our future, which never happened).

What annoys me the most is that his job seems to have been just handed to him. My ex was lazy, his parents literally told me that they relied on me to help him grow up. He didn’t know how to cook for himself, couldn’t drive, refused to do extra things to build his CV when we were at uni, all his uni friends were people I introduced to him because he did not want to go out there and meet new people. One of his family members works for the company that he works at, so he was probably just given the job. That annoys me so much because I worked so hard to get my job. And I basically was a big factor in ‘helping him grow up’ and he’s used that to become some successful person today, I hate that I contributed to that when he had not contributed to anything other than this pain that I still feel over a year later!

I was moving on, and thought I was doing good, but this information today has just messed me up when I am already unhappy with lots of other things in my life! Does anyone have any tips on how I can somehow ‘forget’ this or move on from it?

Reply 1

Surnia

What your ex is doing makes absolutely no difference to your life. If you didn't know that information about him you would still be 'single, depressed about the loneliness because my childhood friends have moved away or simply grown apart and I am struggling to make new friends' and 'unhappy in your job'.

If you taught him to grow up and meet new people, then maybe he has learnt from that and made his own way in life; do the same.

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

When something similar happened to me, I would feel physically ill whenever i heard about the ex but more so, each time i heard about them it was always some new promotion, some new award they had been given, their wedding day, and how marvellous it was!!! I was like you trying so hard to move on and be non chalant about it all but underneath i was falling apart. That was until one in church, the preacher happened to be talking about letting go and valuing oneself and not letting anyone control your life and he said this line...."Every time you hear their name, you stop breathing, it feels like a dagger each time...", "Who the hell is that person that you have given them so much power over you?".. That was it! that broke me free that day from their control. The saddest part is, the ex doesn't even know you are still affected by them, they're just living their best life. So you need to say yourself, 'I DESERVE the best life'. Its a mental battle but one that can be won.

Reply 3

Zarek

Put the energy in to making your own future. The more you do this the less it will matter. It is difficult to get over breakup of significant relationships, but in hindsight it becomes clear this is wasted angst as your lives are no longer linked

Reply 4

Dunnig Kruger

Nobody can help the emotions that they feel. What we can do is to act differently in response to our emotions.

This unhappiness that you feel. Treat it as your brain telling yourself that something better change.
Make the chorus of this song your mantra for the next 6 months:

Never let unhappiness be an anchor that weighs you down in life. Be the person that has a bee in their bonnet. That you get most motivated, most determined, most active, most proactive when there's something you're unhappy about. With you doing what it takes to fix or mitigate whatever caused the unhappiness.
With this approach to dealing with your unhappiness, it doesn't matter if you move on from thinking about the triggers to your unhappiness. Because your short term unhappiness is a force for medium to long term good.

Having said that, please don't become yet another "I'll be happy when..." person. Where you're always looking for some future change in your life that will "complete you". With those changes happening and you just moving onto the next "I'll be happy when ... (eg new job, getting a PhD, new car, new house, getting married, having children, promotion in your job, retiring etc etc etc).
Your time in life is now! Today! Go on an amazing adventure or mini adventure today. Take pleasure from being alive - today!

Also become someone that keeps asking yourself "What else?" With you acting depending on the answer to that question.
EG What else could you do apart from work in your current job? If it's something better, hand in your notice and go do the something better.
What else could you do apart from a full time PhD?...

How about you setting up your own ethical business? And thereby going oneup on your ex?
How about you also getting yourself a fantastic romantic partner and thereby going oneup on whomever he's with now?

Reply 5

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

It’s easy to feel pangs of envy but ultimately how other people are doing has no bearing on your life.

Loads of people are doing “better” than you or subjectively have it “easier”. Conversely many have it “harder” or might be considered to be in a worse position. Neither of those should affect how fulfilling your own life is.

You’ll find things more satisfying when you stop comparing yourself and getting frustrated that karma isn’t “working” as you think it should.