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LDR whilst pregnant... whilst at uni. Watch

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    Oh, he's also in the navy.

    Its a tricky one. We have been together for a while now - we have talked about getting engaged and we are very much in love. I believe this is 'it', and I think he does too. Anyway, I am about to go into my second year of uni, where I live about 2 hours away from him with my uni mates. He joined the navy and is leaving in September for training. He can visit for the first 6 months and then he'll be off on a boat after that - for five years.

    I've also just found out I'm pregnant. Very early days (and who knows how it happened - we always use protection) but I'm undecided with what to do. If my boyfriend wasn't going off to join the Navy I would defer uni for a year or two, get a job and move in with him. But that can't happen. I have savings of about £6000 which I can use, but... I don't want to ruin my boyfriends career prospects by telling him and then him quitting the navy.

    Any advice? I don't think I could go through abortion. I don't deal very well with guilt and I think I'd feel incredibly guilty. Thanks in advance. No abuse please.
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    wow what a difficult position you are in..
    i would suggest you leave the baby with family to care for?
    how long is your degree, if it is 3 years thn im sure you can leave the baby with your family
    and visit the baby regularly?
    if not then im afraid abortion is a route as as you say you dont want your boyfriend to quit the navy
    hope this helps
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    Not sure how I would feel about leaving the baby at home. Especially since my parents work full time and I don't have anyone in my extended family that could help out.
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    Can he not defer his entry to the navy?

    Provision for single mothers at universities is very good from what I've seen. It's not like you'll be nursing your baby in a bog-standard student flat. You will be entitled to Parents' Learning Allowance of £1500 per year, housing benefit, child benefit, child tax credits as if you were a non-student, childcare expenses, probably the highest rate of student maintenance allowance but don't quote me on that. You will also more than likely be first in the queue for any hardship funds, specialised accommodation etc your university offers and they may offer a specific grant.

    To be honest, the issue for me would be that he's going onto a boat for five years solid. He'll miss your kid's entire infancy and he'll be like a stranger to her (and maybe you...) later on. For this reason alone, I would definitely want to abort, grotesque though it is.
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    Just get an abortion, ffs.

    You would be an idiot to have a baby when you don't even have a real relationship, and you're unsure whether he'd want to become a father at this point. You're too young, it would be the height of arrogance and foolhardiness to have a child at this stage
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    X.
    And what do you mean "ruin his career and he'd quit the navy"? How do you know he wouldn't say, "**** no, I'm way too young"? You presume too much

    (1) It would be madness to have this baby at this time

    (2) He is the father, so you should be talking to him, not an internet forum. I think you're perhaps a little delusional if you think he'd be like "Yeah, awesome let's have a baby. I really must quit my career"
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    Why don't you just talk to him about it rather than a student forum?
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    He won't be at sea continuously for five years, if he's told you that he's either been misinformed or is telling porkie pies. Either way, you need to have a conversation with him about this situation before making any decision.
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    Hi guys.

    I know he won't be away continuously but he'll still be away for long periods of time, with only a few short breaks. A while back we talked hypothetically about what we would do if I was pregnant and he said straight away that he would stay home rather than go, but I love him too much to let him give up on that. He's said himself that it isn't his 'dream job' but he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life yet, and he didn't fancy university. But still, he's signed a 5 year contract and I think he's looking forward to it.

    I didn't know about the support that pregnant women/mothers got at university so that's something to think about.

    I can't talk to him about it yet as he's away on holiday with hardly any internet access (it would be a bit mean to spring it on him in the middle of his holiday). I just wanted some advice on the issue before I got a chance to talk to him about it. I'm seeing him next thursday.
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    I can't offer much in terms of advice other than do what is right for you, whether that's continuing or terminating the pregnancy. Don't be pressured into either option. Discuss it with your boyfriend and make sure you're fully informed about the options before you make a decision.
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    You'll get abuse here OP so if I were you just talk to your bf instead.

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    Hi

    Whilst I don't want to turn this into a pro life vs pro choice debate I think that a lot of people who say that you should just get an abortion clearly do not have children of their own. I won't lie to you- having a child is very difficult but it is also the most rewarding thing you will do. I had a baby at the age of 21 (I'm now nearly 28) and I went to university as a single parent at the age of 25. I have just finished with a 2:1 in law. I got a childcare grant from the SLC towards my childcare costs and a special support grant. In addition I was able to get Child Tax Credit and Child Benefit. I also got some financial assistance from the university Access to Learning Fund (also known as the hardship fund). If you get your own place you may also get Housing Benefit towards the cost of your rent. I did still struggle financially but there is extra hep for students with children. Talk to your student services, the SLC, and maybe go to your local Citizen's Advice Bureau for a benefit check (I'm also a CAB Advisor). Definitely also talk to your boyfriend as soon as you can as well. If your relationship is strong enough it can survive anything.

    Best wishes xx
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    (Original post by MostUncivilised)
    Just get an abortion, ffs.

    You would be an idiot to have a baby when you don't even have a real relationship, and you're unsure whether he'd want to become a father at this point.
    This.


    But OP, how did you get pregnant if you used protection......
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    (Original post by SoftPunch)
    But OP, how did you get pregnant if you used protection......
    No contraception is 100% effective. If you're having sex, there is a chance you can get pregnant. Using contraception significantly reduces the risk, but it doesn't eliminate it.
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    (Original post by MostUncivilised)
    Just get an abortion, ffs.

    You would be an idiot to have a baby when you don't even have a real relationship, and you're unsure whether he'd want to become a father at this point. You're too young, it would be the height of arrogance and foolhardiness to have a child at this stage
    Because such a large and difficult decision can just be made with the click of your fingers. 'Just get an abortion' I doubt it's just that easy, and I'm sure abortions can have psychological effects on the mother.
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    (Original post by MostUncivilised)
    Just get an abortion, ffs.

    You would be an idiot to have a baby when you don't even have a real relationship, and you're unsure whether he'd want to become a father at this point. You're too young, it would be the height of arrogance and foolhardiness to have a child at this stage
    As always, spot on.

    The amount of people that get themselves into stupid situations in life is absolutely unbelievable.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Oh, he's also in the navy.

    Its a tricky one. We have been together for a while now - we have talked about getting engaged and we are very much in love. I believe this is 'it', and I think he does too. Anyway, I am about to go into my second year of uni, where I live about 2 hours away from him with my uni mates. He joined the navy and is leaving in September for training. He can visit for the first 6 months and then he'll be off on a boat after that - for five years.

    I've also just found out I'm pregnant. Very early days (and who knows how it happened - we always use protection) but I'm undecided with what to do. If my boyfriend wasn't going off to join the Navy I would defer uni for a year or two, get a job and move in with him. But that can't happen. I have savings of about £6000 which I can use, but... I don't want to ruin my boyfriends career prospects by telling him and then him quitting the navy.

    Any advice? I don't think I could go through abortion. I don't deal very well with guilt and I think I'd feel incredibly guilty. Thanks in advance. No abuse please.
    Sounds like a great thing has happened at a bad time. Even if he's your boyfriend you're essentially going to be raising that child as a single mother and it will, realistically, stop your uni career for years, if not indefinitely. Your options are:

    1. Have an abortion (if it's still within the timeframe)
    2. Keep the child and accept that it probably means ending your young/free life to focus on the childs life
    3. Have the child and put it up for adoption

    Keeping the child means you'll need money to pay for raising it - and whilst you're being a full time mum that'll fall to your boyfriend, which probably means him quitting the navy is out of the question.

    So, ask yourself - do you really want to single handedly raise a child? It'll put a strain on your life, relationship and uni career at this stage. If you are willing to risk losing all that you know then by all means have the child.

    First port of call is telling your boyfriend. He has as much right to know and to be involved in the decision making process as you do.
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    (Original post by Jophesxi)
    Because such a large and difficult decision can just be made with the click of your fingers. 'Just get an abortion' I doubt it's just that easy, and I'm sure abortions can have psychological effects on the mother.
    Stop being so precious, it's a protoplasm of cells the size of a peanut. I expel that many cells from my body when I masturbate.
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    (Original post by emsa86)
    Hi
    Whilst I don't want to turn this into a pro life vs pro choice debate I think that a lot of people who say that you should just get an abortion clearly do not have children of their own. I won't lie to you- having a child is very difficult but it is also the most rewarding thing you will do
    I'm sorry, having a child is not the same as having a foetus.

    I had a baby at the age of 21 (I'm now nearly 28) and I went to university as a single parent at the age of 25. I have just finished with a 2:1 in law.
    I got a childcare grant from the SLC towards my childcare costs and a special support grant. In addition I was able to get Child Tax Credit and Child Benefit. I also got some financial assistance from the university Access to Learning Fund (also known as the hardship fund). If you get your own place you may also get Housing Benefit towards the cost of your rent. I did still struggle financially but there is extra hep for students with children.
    Great, so that's what I pay my ****ing taxes for, women who won't use condoms finishing off their law degree while I earn £33k a ****ing year and I'm still doing my law degree part-time because I can't afford to just stop working.

    Because I don't have a ****ing child and I don't get loads of tax credits and child benefits. That's just brilliant.
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    (Original post by Huskaris)
    As always, spot on.

    The amount of people that get themselves into stupid situations in life is absolutely unbelievable.
    A voice of sanity and common sense, as you invariably are. Thank you Huskaris
 
 
 
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