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I think would put up with cheating because I don't want to be disposed of again

I'm a 26 year old female and have only ever had one boyfriend when I was 20 who slept with my best friend at the time at least 2 times that I know of. I got really upset I was on the floor crying my eyes out and he dumped me and said I looked pathetic. Emotionally the double betrayal made me dragged me rock bottom but it's the years of loneliness since has dragged me to hell.

I blame myself in some ways because he used to tell me that I should dress more like my friend who he cheating on me with and have a more 'bolshie' personality like one of our other friends. He would only have sex with me in the dark and tell me to put my clothes straight back on afterwards or else he wouldn't sleep in the same bed. Only on two occasions was he violent towards me once when were at a house party which had wound down he said he wanted to have sex I said no as there was someone passed out asleep in the room and they might wake up so he held me face down on sofa and put his hands up my skirt (I don't really want to describe what happened next). The second he held me against the wall and grabbed my hair bash my head against the wall until I admitted that I flirted with a coursemate of his a few days prior and that I was sorry, although I don't think I flirted I just introduced myself and stood listening to him talk for a while.

I feel like I was too ugly and weak for him, or anyone for that matter. In the years since I have spent a lot of money buying lots of nice clothes to try and compensate for the way I feel but it's never enough I still look awful and no man has ever been interested in me or even attracted to me.

I know it sounds crazy but I am considering that in the unlikely even that I ever do find someone again that I will hold on to them and would rather put up with cheating and even insults and abuse than be cast aside again.

I'm just wanting some thoughts from people. Can anyone relate or do you think I must be crazy?

Reply 1

bittr n swt

That's not crazy at all. Go ahead and find your man.

Would you like him to rape you too?

Reply 2

SophieSmall

You need to seek help, possibly counselling. Not saying you are crazy, but you're certainly not in a good mind set right now.

Reply 3

cake_lover

Your ex was an *******, end of. There is nothing wrong with you I'm sure. First you need to learn to love yourself the way you are before considering a relationship. :smile:

Reply 4

ALevelBro

You should take a few hits from the bong and chill the f*** out...

Reply 5

donutaud15

I can understand where you're coming from. Had the same happened to me except I turn the opposite of you, one strike and I dump the guy.

I can highly recommend counselling. You need to heal.

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Reply 6

iAmanze

You picked the wrong guy for you.

He messed up your perception of yourself

You need to reset this to that of pre-relationship times.
This could be done by counselling, developing a strong friendship base, getting stuck into different activities and events in the local area.