New issue arises. I don't think she understands how her behavior makes me feel. She is at a summer school right now where she has been going to like 8 years in a row and where she is an assistant, and of course it turns out that one of the people there she used to date with. That's one of the guys in his mid 30's. I knew this was going to happen, as she told me about him. She said she wanted nothing to do with this guy any more, and I understood it as if she will steer clear from him as much as possible. After all, she knows how I feel about the whole ex thing. She has been there for a week now, and send me a message a few days ago saying how she wished I was there because she feels like **** every year except that one year in summer school where she was in a relationship. Of course that referred to that guy, he is one of the mentors there or some ****, and they hooked up so she didn't feel like **** this one year in summer school when they were together. She worded is "when I was romantically entangled". I understand she meant that she'd much rather me be there with her, because when she is with someone there she feels alright. But then again, why the **** would she say this to me? Her ex is there, and there are like 10 people there that have known each other for years, and he is part of that group, so she can't fully avoid him. Despite this, I still agreed she go there (by agreed I don't mean allowed, she can do whatever the **** she wants, but I won't put up with it), because she said he hurt her a lot and she wants absolutely nothing to do with this guy. Then yesterday I get a message saying she's gone to a restaurant with a group of people and they're all laughing and having fun. I don't need to spell out who was in that group of people. When I confronted her about it, mentioning how she said she wouldn't hang around him, she said "you knew the situation I was getting myself into". I said that I did, but I expected her to steer clear whenever possible. She is at summerschool with two older people who are her "adopted parents", that's what she calls them. They were her mentors at first when she was still in highschool, but she became an assistant later and they are very close. Apparently those people I just mentioned, her, and a few other people all went together to get a meal. Later, one of her "adopted parents" left, and the group remained. I said that I assumed that she'd hang out with her "parents", together with other people, and not with this guy. But apparently it's all a really big group. She said "what did want me to do, stay hungry?". Guys I don't know how to deal with this **** anymore. Why does a ***** have to have 5 ex's and still be around them? At this point I'm too emotionally invested and I know I'd be crying in a ditch for a month if we broke up, even though this is giving me so much anxiety. Then I went on google and tried to figure out why I'm bothered by all of this ****, turns out there is something called retrospective jealousy, as if I'm comparing myself to a 30 year old dude? In my mind I just ******* hate my girl being around a guy she's seen naked, who's seen her naked and knows what she is like and what she likes in bed etc. And apparently she's dating me now.
I confronted her about the whole thing yesterday saying how I'm ******* fed up, and I don't want to be going through these emotions any longer. By that I purely meant how I want this anguish to stop. She responded with a message saying "I understand you've had enough", somehow implying that if I wanted to break up with her, she'd be fine with it. I ******* snapped at that point demanding she explain what she meant by that message, because I never said I wanted to break up, I just wanted not to have to have the same convos every ******* two weeks about her ex's. I sent her a long ass text explaining why I feel the way I do. Remembering back at when she said how she's never had a relationship similar to ours, where her partner is constantly worried about her exes and her behavior around them, I tried explaining how they only ever saw her as a fling or a piece of meat, never ever wanting to have anything serious with her down the line, which is quite obvious when you think about how she's broke up with all of them. I tried arguing my point of view, saying how if someone really cared about you and wanted a relationship to grow and wanted a future together, they'd actually care about her being around other men who she used to be with. She read the message and said she understands my POV, and sent bunch of text messages saying how she loves me inbetween, but I wasn't buying it. We agreed to speak on the phone in hour.
We spoke on the phone for 30 mins, and she said how she broke down in the restaurant in public, making me feel like ****. I still wasn't going to back out, since I sincerely am fed up with her behavior and her lack of understanding. I demanded she explain what she meant when she wrote "I understand you're fed up" because in my eyes this sounded like she was ready for a breakup. She said that she said that because she expected a text saying that I'm breaking up after the texts saying how I'm done putting up. The conundrum here is, since I broke up with her once after she's told me about sleeping with her friend and whatnot (which happened before she met me, I didn't want to be with a girl who can casually sleep with a guy and still remain friends, and date me at the same time. We got over this issue recently though where she deleted him completely - to my knowledge), she now expects me break up with her again any time we get into a fight about her exes, when that wasn't my intention. Without even expecting it, this whole think backfired more than I expected, she understood my text as an introduction to a break up, and then said something I didn't expect to hear, which is how she understands that I'm fed up (meaning "yeah, if you do break up, I'd understand" - that's how she explained it). After confronting her about this text, she tried arguing that was she actually meant was that she WOULD understand if I DID break up with her, to which I said, "If you would understand WHY, then why do you keep doing **** that you KNOW might cause a breakup?". Can't really remember what she answered, I think she asked if I actually loved her, to which I answered positively, and she said I love you to. She said "Do you actually want to be with me?" once again, I responded positively. Then she said "let's leave it at that for now, I have to go puke, I'm feeling like ****.
Later I tried understanding why I felt this way about the whole situation she's in, when she explained how apparently she has no choice in avoiding him at times, because the entire summer group hangs out together, and that guy is friends with other people she is friends with, yada yada. I feel I might've been a bit too harsh, my thinking is what she should've done is completely avoided him. Not remain fully alone, but kept to her "parents" and other friend there, go together with them. This of course is impossible because those "parents" hang out with people who hang out with her ex, so she couldn't have avoided him. She said she avoided him otherwise every other chance she got. I really do believe her, but I'm still hurt because I hate this ****, and thought it'd be different. When she mentioned she was out having food and a drink with some people that have remained after one of her "parents" left, I couldn't help myself but ask "who those people were", knowing the ******* answer before she'd even say it. I had a gut feeling, and it was right. When I asked her if her ex was in this group of four that remained, first question was "why do you want to know". Because *****, I already know that he is, why are you avoiding answering me? (Of course I never said this, this was my train of thought.). She could sense what was coming if she told me he was, so she tried avoiding telling me. Started going off topic on some other ****. I remained persisted, and got the answer I knew I wasn't gonna like, but expected anyway. Then the whole shitshow I just described started.
Guys, I don't even know what I want at this point. When I sent her a long ass text I mentioned before in which I said why I'm so worried about the ex's, she replied she understood how I felt. I think this was just to calm me down, because when we spoke on the phone later she said "I understand that I might ‘not’ understand how you feel". I replied "Brilliant, then I can expect us to have this same convo in about a year." (when she goes back to summer school). I'm sorry about a long ass heart wrenching post, but I feel she is a great girlfriend when we hang out, thoughtful, funny etc. She appears to really care about me. But at the same time, I get a ******* anxiety attack and sink deeper into depression when we have to fight about her ex's, where I feel I am repeating myself over and over, trying to explain the WHY it's bothering me, and yet instead of going "yeah, I won't be around my ex, even at the cost of not going to the summer school" (because remember, she said how she feels like **** EVERY YEAR, and knew she was gonna feel like **** again), she goes.
The only reason I haven't broken up yet is because I'm emotionally connected now, and I know this **** is going to hurt. I went through a horrible breakup with my first, and I honestly don't want to go through another one with a girl I feel is miles better than the last one, despite all of the **** I've written in this post. **** I hate dating so much, yet I hate being alone. I want company, I want to feel loved. I want to give love. But **** me, this **** is way more difficult that it should be.